Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

This one is so bad I am sending myself to the corner, the corner booth in the coffee shop that is. [;)]



John and Jennifer left the fertility clinic in tears.
They were just told that Jennifer could never become
pregnant. They would never have the family they both
desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think
I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" John asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities
illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor
will take a scraping from one of your mouths and
culture it. In less than a year, we will have your
baby for you."

"This is the answer to our prayers!" Jennifer
exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but
he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her
husband.

John answered... "That was the Clone Arranger"

[Noah Hofrichter]

Chris, that's great! Will have to pass that one around too.....

Noah

[Junctionfan]

What do you call 3 naked blondes on a beach?

Good viewing...

[CShaveRR]

Sent me by my second-cousin, also Protestant:

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on
vacation. They were determined to make this a
real vacation by not wearing anything that
would identify them as clergy. As soon as the
plane landed, they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts,
sandals, sunglasses, etc.,,,,

The next morning, they went to the beach,
dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were
sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the
sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead
gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came
walking straight towards them. They couldn't
help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said
"Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them. They were
both stunned. How in the world did she know
they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits. These
were so loud you could hear them before you
even saw them.

Once again the two priests (incognito) settled
on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the
sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous
topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her
sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she
nodded at each of them, said "Good morning,
Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer
and said. "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes?" she replied

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to
know, how in the world did you know we are
priests--dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me... Sister Mary
Francis!"

[Anonymous]

A man is walking along the beach when he sees a bottle. He rubs it and a Genie appears. "I'll grant you three wishes," the Genie says, "But there's just one condition. I'm a laywers' Genie, so for every wish you make, all of the lawyers in the world get the same, only double." The man thinks a minute, then says, "For the first wish, I'd like $10 Million." "Lawyers will get $20 Million," the Genie says. "I'd love to have a Mustang GT," the man says. Insantly the car appears on the beach. "What's your last wish?" the Genie asks him. "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."[:D]

That one may take some thought before you get it, but it's a good one once you do!

[Junctionfan]

Not the funniest thing in the world but here we go...

What do call a magic user that has a bladder problem?

A wizzard.

[Junctionfan]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

First of all, Thanks to louisnash for sending me this:

Martha vs. Maxine

>Sounds like Maxine is on top of things: [:D]

Subject: MARTHA VS MAXINE

>Martha's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

> Maxine's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway!

>Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

>Maxine's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.

>Maxine's Way: Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

>Martha's Way: If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up:.

<Maxine's Way: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat
it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foit when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.

>Maxine's Way: Celery? Never heard of it!

>Martha's Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

>Maxine's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg white over the crust, so I don't.

>Martha's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

>Maxine's Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

>Martha's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.

>Maxine's Way: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

>Martha's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casserole and sauces.

>Maxine's Way: Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO!!!!!

I don't know about Martha's Way but it sounds like Maxine will need the latex for something else.[:-^]

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt
Subject: MARTHA VS MAXINE
>Maxine's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

I'll second that...

QUOTE:
>Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
>Maxine's Way: Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

I usually make my cakes from scratch... Even before Martha

QUOTE:
>Maxine's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg white over the crust, so I don't.

See note on cakes, above. Specialty: Apple

QUOTE:
>Maxine's Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Make it a Corona and you're on...

QUOTE:
>Maxine's Way: Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO!!!!!

Don't usually drink wine, but I can support the sentiment.[:p]

[locomutt]

First of all, Thanks to louisnash for sending me this:

Martha vs. Maxine

>Sounds like Maxine is on top of things: [:D]

Subject: MARTHA VS MAXINE

>Martha's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

> Maxine's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway!

>Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

>Maxine's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.

>Maxine's Way: Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

>Martha's Way: If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up:.

<Maxine's Way: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat
it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foit when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.

>Maxine's Way: Celery? Never heard of it!

>Martha's Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

>Maxine's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg white over the crust, so I don't.

>Martha's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

>Maxine's Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

>Martha's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.

>Maxine's Way: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

>Martha's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casserole and sauces.

>Maxine's Way: Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO!!!!!

[Noah Hofrichter]

Jim, you almost had me fooled, but I got it. Had to think a second though. Really a good joke. Will have to pass this on at school.

Noah

[miniwyo]

LMAO!!! That was great!! I did actually get that one wrong!!


3 Blondes walk into a bar The Brunette ducked.

[Anonymous]

A mute who wants to buy a toothbrush goes into a store. By imitating the
action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
>>
>>
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
Think about it first, carefully. The answer is below.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
HAVE YOUR ANSWER?
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >.
>> >> >
>> >> >.
>> >> >
>> >> >.
>> >> >
One-question IQ Test answer
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of
sunglasses."
>> >> >
>> >> >

You didn't get this wrong, did you ?


>

[Overmod]

You forgot business cars for the 'bigwigs' -- I'm tempted to say that you could start modeling this train with one of the old Con-Cor "Cardinal's Special" trainsets.

Or perhaps the MHCs on the Amtrak "Cardinal" -- you know, the ones with the shackles inside -- were actually intended as "Trenos-da-Fe", as it were. Or would it be worse as "auto-da-Santa-Fe"?

[Junctionfan]

If the railroad existed during the time of the Spanish Inquisition, what would the inquisitors want on a manifest train?

1/Pulpwood cars of fire wood for the heritics
2/40 foot tankers of holy water
3/ Bagage cars filled with money
4/ 60 foot highcube boxes of paper for the confessions
5/ 50 foot boxcars of candles
6/ stock cars of sacrificial lambs

Does anybody else have some more?

[Noah Hofrichter]

Now for post 2000!!

Chris, Glad you liked the joke, got it from a friend at school, not sure where he got it from though.......

[tree68]

And we are at Page 100!

[yeah]
[swg]

[Anonymous]

Noah!!!! That was the FUNNIEST joke I have ever heard!!!! I'll be laughing for HOURS at this rate!!!![(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

LMAO!!!!!!


Here's my joke of the day, but I don't think it's going to beat Noah's...


Bill just got this realy cool, powerful, and fast European sports car, so he takes it out for a spin. He knows he shouldn't, but he goes way over the speed limit. Pretty soon, just like he worried, he sees the flashing lights behind him. A state trooper pulls him over and walks toward Bill's car. The trooper says, "Tell me an excuse for speeding I haven't heard before and I'll let you go with a warning." So Bill thinks for a moment, then tells him, "Several years ago a cop took my wife and drove off with her. I thought you were bringing her back."

I'll have to keep this in mind-A JOKE OF THE DAY from me except for weekends....
[;)]

[Noah Hofrichter]

Just pushing us towards page 100............

A girl went to Sunday school every Sunday, and was always very board. One day she fell asleep.

The teacher walked over to her, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her "who is our our creator?"

The girl just gave her a blank look. A boy sitting behind her poked her with a needle so she would wake up, and she shouted "Lord, God, almighty!!" The teacher said, "very good", and went back up front. Well the girl fell asleep again.

The teacher walked over to her again, shook her shoulder and asked "who is our savior?". She started at the teacher with the same blank look. The boy poked her again with the needle, and she jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!!" The teacher said "Very good" and walked back to the front of the class. Again, the girl fell asleep.

The teacher again walked over to her, shook her shoulder and asked "what did Eve say to Adam after they had there last child?" The girl gave the same blank look, and the boy poked her again with the needle. She jumped up and shouted "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half!!" and the teacher fainted...........

[locomutt]

Well,here lately there has been a lot about Darth Vadar,so if anyone out there
wants to compare "Rednecks" to any of the "Star Wars" cast,nows your chance.
Hopefully this is correct: http://smilelaughs.com/rrn95.html

I think I got it,it really was a tad to long to put the whole thing up.[:)]

[Anonymous]

A local DJ here on April fool's day glued a coffee cup to the top of his car !
The looks he got !![:)]

[tree68]

Only 6 (Now 5) posts left to Page 100.

Guy has those headlights that turn off by themselves after you get out of the car - so you can make it to the door, etc. He parks downtown one evening. As he walks away from his car, a passerby points out that his lights are still on. Pausing the requisite few seconds, he turns and "blows" the headlights out, thanks the passerby, and walks on.

Passerby last seen with jaw still on pavement....

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

I think that maybe this post will start page 100. We will see. [:p]


Subject: In-Law

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told
them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and
three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."

Well it didn't. Maybe this one will. [:D]

[Anonymous]

I think that maybe this post will start page 100. We will see. [:p]


Subject: In-Law

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told
them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and
three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."

[Noah Hofrichter]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[vsmith]

That sound exactly like something out of the Hitchhikers Guide! LOL

[tree68]

A little "science fiction:"

Imagine if you will . . . the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief. . .
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So. . . what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

[CShaveRR]

Unfortunately for all of them, when they came out their seats had been taken!

(You get what you pay for.)

Seriously, I enjoyed it!

[locomutt]

Hope I got this link right:http://www.1funny.com/trainticket.shtml
This one is good.[:)]

[morseman]

When I went into my interview for a job as morse operator with Canadian Pacific Ry in t1952 in Montreal, The Sup't. put out his both hands and said "this is my left hand and this is my right hand". He then put them behind his back and rolled them around for ten seconds, then put them in front of him again. "Okay", he said, "which is my left hand". Luckily for me, a week before they found so many applicants flunked the test, that they allowed a person a second choice.

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Junctionfan

Some mergers should be for good reasons. Burlington Northern and Santa Fe was o.k before they used the initials BNSF. How discusting would it be if Illinois Centreal and Union Pacific did the same thing-ICUP.

Now we know why their engines are yellow[:0]!