Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A shy young man was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, the shy man hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!

So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "***, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

[zardoz]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer

I always wondered how that part of Wisconsin became part of Michigan[;)]!

Don't let him fool you - they lost it in a poker game..[swg]

Actually, Michigan was the "loser" on that deal. It really involved a relatively small strip of land on the Michigan-Ohio border (the dispute was called The Toledo War). Ohio got the strip of land, and Michigan got the UP as a consolation (they originally considered the territory rather useless, until they found out about the iron and copper deposits).... I don't think Wisconsin had much of a say in the deal.

See, I did learn something in Michigan History and Government in 7th grade!

[espeefoamer]

I always wondered how that part of Wisconsin became part of Michigan[;)]!

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Aren't gullible sisters wonderful?

When we lived in Glen Ellyn, we used to have to pass a house that had a regular mailbox by the road, and another one, mounted on a pole about eight feet higher, labeled "Air Mail". When my sister visited me once I made a point of driving her past this mailbox. Silence.

I said, "I'm amazed--I thought for sure you'd ask how they got the mail into that box."
"Yeah, I was just trying to figure that out. Do you know?"

(I wasn't so lucky on my attempt to convince her that the waves flowed away from the shore on this side of Lake Michigan.)

Gullible nephews are fun, also.

For some reason, Kenosha has a cannon on display in a park on the lakeshore near downtown on. It points directly east towards Michigan.

One day I took my nephews from out-of-town on a little tour of Kenosha. When he asked about the cannon, I told him it was a leftover from the great Wisconsin-Michigan war of 1875 that Wisconsin lost, and that is how Wisconsin lost the Upper Peninsula to Michigan.

Come to think of it, I never did tell him I was "pulling his leg".

[CShaveRR]

Aren't gullible sisters wonderful?

When we lived in Glen Ellyn, we used to have to pass a house that had a regular mailbox by the road, and another one, mounted on a pole about eight feet higher, labeled "Air Mail". When my sister visited me once I made a point of driving her past this mailbox. Silence.

I said, "I'm amazed--I thought for sure you'd ask how they got the mail into that box."
"Yeah, I was just trying to figure that out. Do you know?"

(I wasn't so lucky on my attempt to convince her that the waves flowed away from the shore on this side of Lake Michigan.)

[zardoz]

A little holiday humor game.

http://www.elfmovie.com/swf/snowball_fight/index.html

[zardoz]

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs !

[samfp1943]

How misunderstanding can be humorous:
A Woman goes to the Post Office to buy Stamps for her Christmas Cards.
She says to the clerk "May I have 50 Christmas stamps."
The Clerk says "What denominations?"
The woman says "Heaven help us, has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Baptist, 10 Lutheran & 22 Presbyterian."
[:)][:)][:)]

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by waltersrails

http://ztrainman.tripod.com/

What is on that site that it warrants inclusion in the "humor" thread?

Perhaps what is funny is the low quality of the photos.

Or did you just hijack this thread to promote your lame site?

[art11758]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The
Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the
Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Chief nods
and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's
ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns
with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief
watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a
very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What
is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that
evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with
a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are
indeed a man of talent, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is
your last request?

The LoneRanger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen carefully, dumb ***,
I said, "BRING POSSE!"

[samfp1943]

One hunderd and Twenty-two pages--my dial-up would take forever to go thru it all--but what I have read is pretty funny stuff..getting close to Christmas,in twelve days..So an early Merry Christmas to all... and a little humor, for the season, Y'ALL[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]
A Redneck Christmas Joke The Three Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

MERRY CHRISTMAS and HAPPY NEW YEAR!

[Anonymous]

A lady of mature years inherited a parrot which had a foul mouth....every few minutes, the bird would cackle "I'm a swinger". One day, the parrot made this remark while the lady's parish priest was visiting.

"Don't worry", said the priest; "I have two parrots at the rectory, and we cured them."

"But what did you do?"

"I taught them to recite the rosary, Come over for a visit and you'll see."

The lady paid a visit to the rectory and saw the two parrots perched next to a table containing a roasry and a small bell. Oe would strike the bell, the second would say the required prayer, the first would move the bead, and the roles would be reversed for the next round, just like clockwork.

"Marvelous, chimed the parishioner; May I bring my parrot in?"

"Sure, we'll see you tomorrow morning."

The next morning, the woman showed up at the rectory with her parrot, which immediately blurted out, "I'm a swinger" --- whereupon one of the priest's two parrots said to the other:

(pregnant pause)

"You can put the beads away, Joe; Our prayers have been answered!!"

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

.
http://digicc.com/fido/
How do they do that ? ? ? [;)]

Took some creative programming (in Basic) and some good old human pattern recognition, but I figured it out.... But I won't tell [}:)]

Pretty interesting! Must be based on an old parlor game.

[waltersrails]

http://ztrainman.tripod.com/

[Anonymous]

.
.
.

http://digicc.com/fido/

.
.
.


How do they do that ? ? ? [;)]

[zardoz]

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”

[zardoz]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

[zardoz]

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

"Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can't plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father"

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

"Beloved Father,
Please don't touch the garden. It's there that I have hidden 'the YOU-KNOW-WHAT'.
I love you, too,
Ahmed"

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can't find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

"Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That's all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed."

[zardoz]

English has to be one of the hardest languages to understand. Read the paragraph below and try to understand the meaning.

Two individuals proceeded towards the apex of a natural geologic protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitously descended, sustaining severe damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure; Subsequently the second member of the team performed a self rotational translation oriented in the same direction taken by the first team member.

In plain English what does this translate to?

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after!

[Murphy Siding]

zardoz: My whole entire neighborhood is knee deep in DHMO![:O] What's a fella to do????

[zardoz]

I received a few emails last night from forum members that were upset that I put such a serious topic in the 'humor' thread.

Just so you know, di-hydrogen monoxide is a chemical name for water:
(di-hydrogen=H2, monoxide=O; H2+O=H20. Water.

The idea for the post was from a bit done by Penn & Teller on their Showtime program "Bull***" (yes, that is the program's exact name). The point of the bit was to showcase the gullibility of people, and their tendency to overreact to news items without really understanding what was being told to them. I suppose the emails I received illustrated Penn & Teller's point.

It was meant to be funny. I apologize for any confusion.

[miniwyo]

I hope DHMO is found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir, Since its the main component that its made of. [:P]

[zardoz]

With apologies to Bergie et al.

Administratrium, The New Element

AMES, IA--The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers at IPRT/ISU. The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neuron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as governmental agencies, large corporations, and universities. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.

[zardoz]

BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."

* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!

Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property damage.

Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:

* as an industrial solvent and coolant.

* in nuclear power plants.

* in the production of styrofoam.

* as a fire retardant.

* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce remains contaminated by this chemical.

* as an additive in "junk-foods" and other food products.

Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!

THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!

The American government has refused to ban the production, distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.

IT'S NOT TOO LATE!

Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others throughout the world.

[zardoz]

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

[zardoz]

Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting The Impulse To Nag

2. You Can Change The Oil, Too

4. How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug

5. We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas

6. Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness

7. How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch Football

8. Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone Other Than Him To Boss Around

9. How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His Slop

10. How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

11. Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself

12. Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right

13. Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility

14. You, The Whining Sex

15. Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours

16. If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

17. How To Close The Garage Door

18. If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation

19. How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia

20. Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank

21. Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation

22. How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself

23. Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend

24. Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous

25. How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

[zardoz]

Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following is required.

1. Combatting Stupidity

2. You, Too, Can Do Housework

3. Resistance to Beer

4. How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray

5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas (Give Us Credit Cards)

6. Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am

7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (also called "Don't Wash My Silks")

9. Get A Life - Learn To Cook

10. How Not To Act Like An Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong

11. Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right

12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

13. You, The Weaker Sex

14. Reasons To Give Flowers

15. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb

16. You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Please

17. How To Put Down A Toilet Seat

18. Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Lies

19. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost

20. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency

21. Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes

22. Mother-in-Laws Are People Too

23. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous

24. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

25. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver

26. Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home

27. Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Vocabulary

28. You Don't Really Need That Porsche

[zardoz]

A Mother's Dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.

Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

Drooling: How teething babies wa***heir chins.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

[zardoz]

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Madonna. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Madonna, you have sinned."