Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the (insert religion of your choice here) are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

[zardoz]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

[zardoz]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order. Spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!'"

[UPTRAIN]

He exploded, lol. I didn't see any catenary! The "steamer" must be an excursion under wires, lol.

[samfp1943]

http://www.banditos.info/speles/sobersanta2.swf ..

For the person who loves to play with trains at Christmas, use the arrow keys[ not the mouse] to move santa to his refreshment, and be sure to catch a cupcake for him to maintain his sugar buzz, also, PLEASE, KEEP SANTA OFF THE RAILROAD TRACK!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND A SAFE NEW YEAR [bow]

[samfp1943]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Sam,

I see you have owned both an MGB and a Triumph TR6...

And Carl, the cheaper the brake fluid, the more smoke it makes!

Ed[:D]

QUOTE: Originally posted by samfp1943


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at BMC, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, CDs, CD ROMs, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

Ed: Funny you should mention those two English Automobiles..Truly, they were fine examples of English automotive know-how..Fortunately, my cousin owned a "migbee' ,we called it old "faithless", it would take you as far as you wanted to go, but the return trip was usually done in tow[^] , and the Tr-6 was a similar story- owned by my sister and her husband..not only was it a mechanical mess, it too should have come with its own wrecker.[:o)]

[zardoz]

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pi$$ed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my a$$ for *** near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady *** cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those a$$holes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't *** funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little $hits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls. . . Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots. . . they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air. . . dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat a$$ and draw unemployment.

If there's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season.

[Anonymous]

Out of the mouths of children . . . [:I] [:o)] [;)] [:)] [:D]


I am a Father



A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren, and he doesn't wear his collar that way . . .

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds!" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar!"

[Anonymous]

Thoughts for the year 2005


Number10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6- Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble
down the stairs.
Number 5- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism .
Number 3- Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars,
and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with
mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in
America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal
immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the
Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by trainfan1221

Okay, this just happened to me...I was at my job the other day,(I work for a major food chain),and suddenly heard somebody yell "You must really like trains!" I never turned my head so fast before, assuming I must have been who he was referring to though I had no idea who he was. Turns out he was talking to a little kid with an engineer cap on. But it was an amusing experience.

And oh so true...

[trainfan1221]

Okay, this just happened to me...I was at my job the other day,(I work for a major food chain),and suddenly heard somebody yell "You must really like trains!" I never turned my head so fast before, assuming I must have been who he was referring to though I had no idea who he was. Turns out he was talking to a little kid with an engineer cap on. But it was an amusing experience.

[dmoore74]

Engineer Jokes (Non-Railroad Engineers)


Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where
did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well,
I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a
beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the
ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fit."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as
it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's
with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The
doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper.
Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say, what's with that
group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens
keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year,
so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent
for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And
I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these
guys play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers
build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a
mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another said,
"No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "Actually
it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline
through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough
features yet"

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it
was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect
said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for
an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his
mistress, because the passion and mystery he found there. The
engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and
a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the
other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Understanding Engineers - Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one
week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it
and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you
kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do
ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at
it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What
is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that
I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't
you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't
have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."


Understanding Engineers - Take Ten
(Engineers and Management)

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and
shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend of mine that
I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You and your balloon
are located between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and
60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man on the ground, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is
technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your
information. The fact is, I am still lost and it is getting later."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man on the ground, "you don't know where you
are or where you are going. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is that you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Eleven

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999.
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Twelve
(Engineer in Heaven)

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St.. Peter checks
His dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong
place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flu***oilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So,
how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flu***oilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[zardoz]

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or," the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident?" the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her pennyless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

The lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[edblysard]

Sam,

I see you have owned both an MGB and a Triumph TR6...

And Carl, the cheaper the brake fluid, the more smoke it makes!

Ed[:D]

QUOTE: Originally posted by samfp1943


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at BMC, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, CDs, CD ROMs, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

[Anonymous]

.

.

.

http://www.patmedia.net/marklevinson/cool/cool_illusion.html

.

.

.

[CShaveRR]

RAISING BOYS

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d ) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.


The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas... Things I've
learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house four inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) "Play-Doh" and "microwave" should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, Texas, has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy .

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

[samfp1943]

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by someone at BMC, and neatly rounds off their heads.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, CDs, CD ROMs, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.

[Anonymous]

The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up easy for transporting

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish
Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, not a popular dog with CIA agents

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

[coborn35]

WOW! That super cool! This a funny redone line from the song Milkshake: My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard and they're like wanna trade cards? *** right i wanna trade cards i'll trade you but not my charzard

[zardoz]

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And if you are anywhere near as stubborn as I am, you will keep trying at least a few more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so. And, there's nothing you can do about it!

Go ahead KEEP TRYING ALL YOU WANT!

Have a great day!

[zardoz]

Bubba and JimBob


One day, JimBob was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"

"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, JimBob, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobby Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want'.

So I took the truck!"

"Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!"

[dmoore74]

> Living Will
>
> A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to
> her:
>
> "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,
> dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
> happens, just pull the plug."
>
> His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.
>
>

[zardoz]

New words (or old words with new definitions)

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: When everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***.

19. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

20. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

21. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

22. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

23. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

24. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

25. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

26. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

27. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

28. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

29. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

30. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

31. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

32. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

33. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

34. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

[zardoz]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything ... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers.

In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a wo! rd, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for a few days, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[zardoz]

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.

The girl responds: "Which one? We have: Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95, Volleyball Barbie: $19.95, Shopping Barbie $19.95, Surfer Barbie: $19.95, Disco Barbie: $19.95 and Divorced Barbie: $299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbies are $19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds: "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's jewelry, Ken's money, Ken's computer, and Ken's best friend...

[zardoz]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to reading a magazine but, a few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman had a cold, the man was curious about the shuddering, but went back to his reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezed yet again and, again, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking more than before.

At this, the man said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and the shuddered violently. Are you okay?

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "but I have a very rare medical condition - whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

"I've never heard of that condition," the man said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman said. "Pepper."

[Anonymous]

These are pretty good. [:D] I received them in an email and thought I would share them. [;)]

Words with two Meanings [:o)] [:I] [8)] [^] [B)]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5
minutes.

AND;

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing >to
put in it.
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?

He said . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I
sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave
you?
She said . ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go
to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[Anonymous]

Z [:)]

The blue ball machine was sent to me in an email. I don't do drugs (other than RXs) and could never have come up with that without being on drugs. Who ever did it must have lots of time to just sit and play.

[zardoz]

One morning *** Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a DC restaurant. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies, "I'll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, sir?" she asks George W.

He replies, "How about a quickie?"

"Why, Mr. President," the waitress says, "How rude. You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton!" The waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, "It's pronounced "quiche.'"

[zardoz]

THE BOX UNDER BILL & HILLARY'S BED

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box
under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."