Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[miniwyo]

I don't know if this has been posted before, but I just got it so I figured I would post it again!




A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that
he has a better education.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies
expense...

Deputy says "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign. "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me
the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my
license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let
me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Now then, sir, do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[zardoz]

I recently picked a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well for my age".

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke or drink?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks or barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hunting, or fishing?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care if you live to be 80?"

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by germanium

Zardoz - I don't know where you get all this humour from, but it's brought many a smile to my face (and I suspect many others). Keep up the good work !!!

Thanks. I appreciate the appreciation.

[germanium]

Zardoz - I don't know where you get all this humour from, but it's brought many a smile to my face (and I suspect many others). Keep up the good work !!!

[zardoz]

Diet Rules

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.

NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted
for any other food color.

10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

[zardoz]

Men vs. Women

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

[zardoz]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp...yada yada yada!

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three of them. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete ... how much steel! Do you know how many engineers I would have to hire to figure how to do it? No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wi***hat I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'... know how to make them truly happy."

The genie paused for a few minutes and then said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"

[zardoz]

Work Speak

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Umfriend: A sexual relationship between friends or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my...um...friend."

Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, ***s over everything and then leaves

Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.

Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.

Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.

Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.

Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.

Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."

Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."

GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

[zardoz]

Top Ten Real Excerpts From Performance Evaluations

10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

[zardoz]

12 Signs You're A Grown-up


1. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

2. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

3. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

4. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

5. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

6. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

7. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

8. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.

9. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

10. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

11. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

12. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you.

[zardoz]

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must poli***he Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

[zardoz]

Top Ten Things You Do Not Want To Hear On An Airplane P.A. System

1. Mid-way across the Ocean: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

3. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail! Eject! Eject!

4. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)

5. This is your Captain speaking....these new planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......

6. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the inflight movie.

7. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...

8. Hey capt'n, take another hit man...

9. Get the parachutes ready...

10. I'm sure everyones noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now

[zardoz]

You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

* When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

* During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

* He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

* He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

* During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

* He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

* Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

* He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

* He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

[zardoz]

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

The little boy responded: "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again!"

[coborn35]

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in
front
of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all
the
way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while
healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and
then
chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to
screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from
someone
we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and
buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to
describe
the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics'
meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with
Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER????

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their
mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do
"practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on
"Start"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing
liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money
called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest
traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of
progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?

~~~~

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and
that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion:
Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late,
huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after
heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on
body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or
operate
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to
reduce
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...
I'm
taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor
use
only." (as opposed to...what?)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about
a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe,
uh...fly Delta?)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[zardoz]

As you are receiving e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally and with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Hearing the scream, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!"

====================================================================
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

[zardoz]

Can anyone help with this software problem my friend is experiencing?

Eighteen months ago he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-program, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually he tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.

Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. He did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However my friend discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes he made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted, they then resurfaced months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip. These latter products have no helpfiles and he has to try and guess the problem himself.

Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments and Hairstyle Express needs to be reinstalled every other week. It also conflicted with some of the new games he wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to his Audi TT programme it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems, if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Tough one? Any suggestions???

[zardoz]

A salesman rang the bell at a home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar.

Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your mother home?"

The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked,

"What do you think?"
=============================================================
An elderly couple were attending church, when about halfway through the service she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas. What should I do?"

Her husband leans over to her and replies, "When we get home put a new battery in your hearing aid."
==============================================================
Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! This here is Joe Bob, Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, buddy"
============================================================
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?" grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man.

"This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.

This IS Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your fricking bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

[zardoz]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane. As the plane took off, the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger. "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know ***?"

[zardoz]

Here is a link to a site that quite a variety of entertainment, ranging from the innovative to the idiotic; the latter represented here:
http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/11504/The_Famous_Baby_Kicking_Grandma_Scene_4.html

It just goes to show that stupidity is everywhere. My only thought was "That poor engineer".

I hesitated a while before I shared this, but it is railroad related.

[zardoz]

LOS ANGELES (AP) - Farfrompoopen Road, the only road to Constipation Ridge, lost to Divorce Court and Psycho Path, which placed No. 1 in an online poll of the nation's wildest, weirdest and wackiest street names.

Mitsubishi Motors sponsored the poll on the Web site and more than 2,500 voters cast their ballots during a week of voting that ended this month. Winners were announced Friday.http://www.TheCarConnection.com

"Our readers really stepped up with some insane street names," said Web site publisher Paul Eisenstein. "Our panel had a difficult time narrowing several hundred down to the 10 our readers voted on.

"But we learned a lot about the byways of this country, not to mention the collective sense of humor of city planners everywhere."

In first place was Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich., followed by Heather Highlands, Pa.'s, Divorce Court in second and Tennessee's Farfrompoopen Road in third. Eisenstein said all the roads were verified, although some are private and hard to find.

The complete top 10 list included:

10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas

9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.

8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.

7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.

6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.

5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston

4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.

3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)

2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.

1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.


http://apnews.myway.com//article/20060225/D8FVPVDGA.html

[coborn35]

Zardoz where do you get this stuff?!!! LMAO

[locomutt]

Whoa !!!! Those are very interesting links !!!!
Enjoyed them though,that was fun !!!!!

[zardoz]

I would like to call your attention to the following links. But be careful. Read the name very carefully and be absolutely sure you want to connect to these sites!

Be warned!!! The sites are not what you might expect.......be prepared.

www.whorepresents.com

www.expertsexchange.com

www.penisland.net

www.molestationnursery.com

www.therapistfinder.com




Remember, I warned you.

[zardoz]

PET DIARIES UNCOVERED....

As seen in a dog's diary:

8am - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite
10am - Oh Boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am - Oh Boy! A car ride! My favorite!
Noon - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
1pm - Oh Boy! The backyard! My favorite!
3pm - Oh Boy! The kids! My favorite!
4pm - Oh Boy! Dog food! My favorite!
5pm - Oh Boy! Mum! My favorite!
7pm - Oh Boy! Playing with the ball! My favorite!
9pm - Oh Boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!


As seen in a cat's diary:

Day 183 of my captivity... My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded -- must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to hurl on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[grampaw pettibone]

A true story

There used to be a line from Florence SC to Augusta, Ga. Hurricane Hugo finished it off, but that's another story. The Atlantic Coast Line used to run a daily passenger service from Florence to Columbia. There was a red headed conductor on this run who had a really short fuze. On one run,he got into it with some passengers who apparently threatened to throw him from the train. he got a pistol from his bag, shot a hole in the roof of the car and chased the two passengers out of the rear of the train, leaving them lying on the roadbed. For some reason, he wasn't fired, but was made to pay for the repairs to the car and was busted to freight conductor. On the same run in that capacity, he got into a serious arguement with the engineer which escalated into a situation where he demanded that the train be stopped and they could settle it on the track man to man. When they got to Florence, the engineer reported him to the superintendent who had him hauled in to explain himself. He asked Red if he called the engineer a son of a b****. He replied and I quote "No sir, how he found out he is one I don't know" This was told to me by someone who was there and claimed to be true. He was never fired and was allowed to retire later

[techguy57]

Know how they say the truth is stranger than fiction? You be the Judge:

(This is taken for an email from one of my high school buddies)

As some of you know, part of my job here in the Big Apple is acting
as a first line of defence for my literary agency by reading
unsolicited query letters from hopeful authors. These query letters
are definitely one of the major highlights of my life as most of them
are written by crazy people (in fact, just yesterday I got a query
letter from a crazy person who had included a court transcript of a
judge telling him that he's crazy). Anyway, for some reason I can't
explain, the paragraph you are about to read was a query letter
received this morning, and it gets the "Best Query Letter Ever" award
(by "best," I mean wackiest).

Here goes:

"I am submitting my first novel for publication.

'Enlightenment, Drunk Chicks, and Hitler" is a fantasy adventure
about two young men from present day Hawaii whose simple lives are
disrupted when they plunge into a river of molten lava. Protected by
an omnipotent, benevolent force, they resurface thousands of miles
away at a different point in history. It is clear that the
consciousness behind their journey has a specific agenda. There are
murderers to be brought to justice, spies to be exposed, and wars to
be averted. Fortunately, our heroes are young, resilient, and almost
never lose their sense of humor. The book is eighteen chapters and
approximately 33,000 words [100 pages] long. It is divided into
three parts.

Thank you for reading."

Mike

[techguy57]

QUOTE: You've seen a Hodag, or, at least you think that's what it was.

[(-D]Laughing so hard I nearly fell down![(-D]

Mike

[techguy57]

I'm sure this has been posted her before but I can't resist.- Mike[;)]

>A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
>
>Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
> I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is
> the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
> We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
> The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother,
> we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes
> sense."
>
> So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
> Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
> check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
>
> So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound
> sleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
>
> Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in
> bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
>
> The next morning, the little boy say's to his father,
> "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
>
> The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
> politics is all about."
>
> The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class
> while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored
> and the Future is in Deep [censored] ."

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by coborn35

Zardoz, ROTFLMAOAPM!!! (Rolling on the floor laughing my***off almost pissing myself!)
KEEPUM COMING MAN!

Thanks. It's good to know someone appreciates the humor.