Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[TimChgo9]

I am sure someone posted stories like these... but, I don't feel like reading 139 pages of posts... (I can't take the computer in the john....so, there we are)

A few years ago, I was a Technical Support Professional, for that computer company that had the cow-spotted boxes.... Here are some honest-to-God things that happened to me.......

One afternoon, a woman came into the store, with a hand full of DVD's that she was returning to Hollywood Video, a couple of doors down from my store.  She came in the shop area, and asked me if she needed to rewinde the DVD's before returning them....... 

One customer came in and asked that we put the latest version of the Internet on a CD/R for him... He stated his version of the Internet was out dated, according to his brother-in-law who "knows computers"   When asked what he meant by the "latest version of the Internet"  he stated  "you know, the internet that is in my computer, I know you guys put the Internet on every computer you sell, and I want the latest version.... I didn't pay 1,500 dollars for a new computer, and not have the latest version of the Internet on it".....  At this point, trying to explain anything to this guy would have been more effort than it would have been worth.   So, my partner had the guy bring in his computer.. and we hooked it up to the network in the shop, and made a big show of showing him the latest version of the "Internet" that we put on his computer. 

I was called out to the sales floor because a customer had some question about a CD Burner that the computer he was purchasing had on it.  His concern?  He wanted to know how hot the CD burner got, and what he was supposed to do with the ashes..... Perplexed, I asked him what he was talking about, and he stated "Isn't a CD burner used for disposing of old CD's you don't need anymore?  I need to know how hot it gets, and if it will melt the case, and also, does the CD burner make alot of smoke?"  Trying very hard to keep a straight face, and convinced my fellow employee was setting me up, I patiently explained what a CD burner did, and why is was named as such.  The gentleman thought about it for a moment, and said...."Oh, well if I can't destroy my old CD's I guess I don't need a CD burner."

An older couple came in to buy one of those new "computer e-mail boxes" because their neighbor said that the US Mail was no longer going to be delivering mail, and they wanted to know how to let their friends know that they were going to be getting email, and not to send any more paper mail. 

While performing phone support for a customer, who was having Windows problems, I asked him what was on his desktop when he booted up his computer.  After a brief pause he stated. "A blotter, a stapler, and a pen and pencil holder... what does this have to do with my broken computer?"

A customer called, and she stated that her computer would not turn on.  She had her computer, monitor, printer and scanner all plugged in, and they were on, but the computer did not turn on.  I asked if she had pushed the power switch, to which she replied "Power switch, what power switch?"

This guy comes into the shop, and says his computer has a virus. After explaining what our prices were he agreed to have it serviced.  2 days later, he comes and picks it up.  4 hours later, he is back, with the same problem.  I asked him what happened, and he said. "Well, I was trying to look at some Anna Kournikova pictures my friend sent me".  (There was a viurs being distributed with the name "Kournikovapics" as the file attachment to the email)  After explaining to this person that the file wasn't really pictures, it was a virus, he looked at me and said.  "Can you take the virus out of the file, so I can see the pictures?" 

A customer brought in his keyboard, mouse, and computer, stating that we sent him a defective unit. Upon inspection, the plugs on the keyboard and mouse were terribly mangled, as well as the corresponding plugs on the computer.  We took it in for service, and the mystery of the mangled cables came to light when he came to pick it up.  After giving him his computer, mouse and keyboard, the customer wanted to make sure that the "connected properly" and proceeded to insert the plugs and try to twist them...  I stopped him and he looked at me and said... "Well, they are 'twist-lock' right?"

All the above are true..... really, they are. 

 

[JSGreen]

A little late for posting in the global warming debate...

[Datafever]

[Datafever]

The following is a letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:
It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:
 
Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County
Dear Mr. Price,
Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of nature's building materials "debris". I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.
My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers t throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the & Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.

The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS

[Datafever]

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in Australia? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia ? ( France )
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[JSGreen]

still amusing, though!

[Datafever]

My apologies.  You are correct.  This is not the Clint Black version.

[JSGreen]

Credits at the end cite Eric Idle, one of the Pythons.  I remember seeing that the first time in "The Meaning Of Life".

[Datafever]

Eric Idle puts things into perspective

[Datafever]

It's your first kiss and several questions might come to mind:



Is it the right time?



Is anyone watching?



Does your partner even want to?



Is your breath fresh?



And... Should you use some tongue?



Then you lean in and just go for it!!!

[vsmith]

These have to be shared....

 

http://www.worth1000.com/cache/contest/contestcache.asp?contest_id=5287

[vsmith]

This has to be the best commercial ever:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7FjeQ9mbwOs&mode=related&search=

[zardoz]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars,and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[zardoz]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.... After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesnt have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didnt take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drives them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

No, she says, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.

[zardoz]

You are an extreme redneck when:

1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys,watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

[zardoz]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.  When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh butter fat.  When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

So far I have been afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

[Datafever]

A man was hiking through a wilderness when he found his way blocked by a sizeable river.  He pulled out his map, but after a bit of study, was unable to determine if it would be better for him to proceed up-river or down-river in order to find a crossing.  As he was pondering what he should do, he spied a blonde lady strolling along the far bank of the river.

"Halloo, over there," he yelled.  "Can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?"

She looked at him with complete bewilderment before replying, "You are on the other side!"

[Datafever]

Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it.

The conductor said, "Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it."

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.

The conductor rushed back and said, "Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one."

Einstein looked at him and said, "Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going."

[zardoz]

 Yea! A new contributor.  My joke stash is just about empty.

You can just send people over to the "Don't blame the railroads" thread....

I hadn't been to that thread for a while....it sure has deteriorated.   But reading it is sort of like seeing a traffic accident: you don't really want to look, but you can't help yourself.

[tree68]

 Yea! A new contributor.  My joke stash is just about empty.

You can just send people over to the "Don't blame the railroads" thread....

[zardoz]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his face.  "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

 

"Actually, no," he replied.

 

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his face and into his hair.

 

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

 

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

 

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

 

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"

[zardoz]

 Yea! A new contributor.  My joke stash is just about empty.

[Datafever]

Why Computers Sometimes Crash!
By Dr. Seuss

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions are causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

[Datafever]

Two hunters went bear hunting. While driving through the mountains, they saw a sign that said, "BEAR LEFT". So, they turned around and went home.

[Datafever]

A truck driver is driving a truckload of penguins to the city zoo. Unfortunately, his truck breaks down, and it's going to take a while to repair. He sees another trucker and, desperate to get his job done, says "I'll give you $100 to take these penguins to the zoo." The second trucker agrees.

Later that day, the first trucker sees the second trucker walking along the street, followed by fifteen penguins in a long line. "Hey," says the first trucker, "You were supposed to take those penguins to the zoo!"

"I did," says the second trucker. "But there was still $50 left over, so now I'm taking them to a movie."

[Datafever]

Cajun Fishing ...

A game warden in Southern Louisiana recently stopped a Cajun with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, ma' fren, I ain't got none of dem, no. Dese are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Ya. Avery night I take dese here fish down to de bayou and let dem swim round for a while. I whistle and dey jump rat back into dese ice chests and I take dem back home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The Cajun looked at the game warden for a moment and then said "It's de truth ma' fren, I can show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Cajun poured the fish into the bayou and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the Cajun.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

[Datafever]

A duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Got any grapes?"

The clerk says, "No, we don't carry grapes."

The duck comes in every day for the next four days and asks the same clerk, "Got any grapes?"

Each time the clerk becomes a little more agitated. Finally, on the sixth day, the duck comes and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The clerk yells at the duck, "Look. I've told you for five days that we don't carry grapes. The next time you walk in and ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor."

Next day the duck walks in and the clerk can't believe it. The duck asks, "Got any nails?"

The clerk is amazed and says, "No, we don't carry nails."

The duck says, "OK. Got any grapes then?

[Datafever]

A cowboy walks up to his cowboy friends with a dachshund on a leash.

"What's with the dog?" asks one cowboy.

"Well," says the first cowboy, "I finally gave in to that voice in my head saying 'get a long little doggie'."

[Datafever]

A cowboy rides up to the local saloon, tethers his horse, walks around back, lifts its tail and kisses it on the ***.

A feller sittin' on the porch sees this and asks the cowboy "What in tarnation did ya do THAT for?"

The cowboy says "I got chapped lips."

The feller asks "Does that cure chapped lips?"

The cowboy says "Nope, but it sure keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

And the winner is:

15. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

(Have you ever had the mad urge to tell a motor-mouth to shut up?)

CANADIANPACIFIC2816