Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[CShaveRR]

Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client who lost his 
house in Hurricane Katrina and wanted to rebuild.  He was told the 
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to the 
parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the 
property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to 
track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the 
following reply:

(Actual letter)

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan 
application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of 
Title.   While we compliment the able manner in which you have 
prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you 
have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 
1803.   Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary 
to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (Actual letter):



"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I 
note that you wish to have title extended further than the 202 years 
covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated 
person in  this country, particularly those working in the property 
area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from 
France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. 
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the 
land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had 
acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the 
possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a 
sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the 
privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, 
Isabella.

"The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful 
about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing 
of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' 
expedition. Now the Pope, as I am sure you may know, is the emissary of 
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, 
created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that 
God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, 
therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to 
before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA.

"I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we 
have our damn loan?"

He got the loan.

[zardoz]

Some self-evident truths about pets...

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

[zardoz]

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[zardoz]

"A Tale of Six Boys"

....... Let us never forget from the Revolutionary War to the Gulf War and all the wars in-between that sacrifice was made for our freedom. Remember to pray praises for this great country of ours and also pray for those still in murderous unrest around the world. STOP and THANK GOD for being alive and being free at someone else's sacrifice.

Nice story, but I don't get the punchline.......there is one, isn't there?

[Datafever]

THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T...........

 1 . Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

 2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.

 3. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a "tittle".

 4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.

 5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.

 6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.

 7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.

 8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.

 9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.

 10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.

 11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.

 12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.

 13. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

 14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

 15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.

 16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.

 17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.

 18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.

 19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.

 20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!

 21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver!

 22. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.

 23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.

 24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

 25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)

 26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless.)

 27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an
old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

 28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.

 29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.  It's the same with apples!

 30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!

 31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified Kosher.

 32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.

 33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.

 

(PS - I personally have no knowledge as to the factual validity of each and every factoid presented above.) 

[Datafever]

The Cat-Lovers Guide to Christmas Tree Assembly and Decoration

 http://www.fluffytails.ca/christmas.asp

[Datafever]

"A Tale of Six Boys"

Each year I am hired to go to Washington, DC, with the eighth grade class from Clinton, WI. where I grew up, to videotape their trip. I greatly enjoy visiting our nation's capitol, and each year I take some special memories back with me. This fall's trip was especially memorable.

On the last night of our trip, we stopped at the Iwo Jima memorial. This memorial is the largest bronze statue in the world and depicts one of the most famous photographs in history -- that of the six brave soldiers raising the American Flag at the top of a rocky hill on the island of Iwo Jima, Japan, during WW II.

Over one hundred students and chaperones piled off the buses and headed towards the memorial. I noticed a solitary figure at the base of the statue, and as I got closer he asked, "Where are you guys from?"

I told him that we were from Wisconsin. "Hey, I'm a cheese head, too! Come gather around, Cheese heads, and I will tell you a story."

(James Bradley just happened to be in Washington, DC, to speak at the memorial the following day. He was there that night to say good night to his dad, who has since passed away. He was just about to leave when he saw the buses pull up. I videotaped him as he spoke to us, and received his permission to share what he said from my videotape. It is one thing to tour the incredible monuments filled with history in Washington, D.C., but it is quite another to get the kind of insight we received that night).

 When all had gathered around, he reverently began to speak. (Here are his words that night).

 "My name is James Bradley and I'm from Antigo, Wisconsin. My dad is on that statue, and I just wrote a book called "Flags of Our Fathers" which is #5 on the New York Times Best Seller list right now. It is the story of the six boys you see behind me.

 "Six boys raised the flag. The first guy putting the pole in the ground is Harlon Block. Harlon was an all-state football player. He enlisted in the Marine Corps with all the senior members of his football team. They were off to play another type of game. A game called "War." But it didn't turn out to be a game.

 Harlon, at the age of 21, died with his intestines in his hands. I don't say that to gross you out, I say that because there are generals who stand in front of this statue and talk about the glory of war. You guys need to know that most of the boys in Iwo Jima were 17, 18, and 19 years old.

(He pointed to the statue) "You see this next guy? That's Rene Gagnon from New Hampshire. If you took Rene's helmet off at the moment this photo was taken and looked in the webbing of that helmet, you would find a photograph. ...a photograph of his girlfriend. Rene put that in there for protection because he was scared. He was 18 years old. Boys won the battle of Iwo Jima. Boys. Not old men.

"The next guy here, the third guy in this tableau, was Sergeant Mike Strank. Mike is my hero. He was the hero of all these guys. They called him the "old man" because he was so old. He was already 24. When Mike would motivate his boys in training camp, he didn't say, 'Let's go kill some Japanese' or 'Let's die for our country.' He knew he was talking to little boys. Instead he would say, 'You do what I say, and I'll get you home to your mothers.'

"The last guy on this side of the statue is Ira Hayes, a Pima Indian from Arizona. Ira Hayes walked off Iwo Jima. He went into the White House with my dad. President Truman told him, 'You're a hero.' He told reporters, 'How can I feel like a hero when 250 of my buddies hit the island with me and only 27 of us walked off alive?' So you take your class at school, 250 of you spending a year together having fun, doing everything together. Then all 250 of you hit the beach, but only 27 of your classmates walk off alive. That was Ira Hayes. He had images of horror in his mind. Ira Hayes died dead drunk, face down at the age of 32. ...ten years after this picture was taken.

"The next guy, going around the statue, is Franklin Sousley from Hilltop, Kentucky. A fun-lovin' hillbilly boy. Franklin died on Iwo Jima at the age of 19. When the telegram came to tell his mother that he was dead, it went to the Hilltop General Store. A barefoot boy ran that telegram up to his mother's farm. The neighbors could hear her scream all night and into the morning. The neighbors lived a quarter of a mile away.

 "The next guy, as we continue to go around the statue, is my dad, John Bradley from Antigo, Wisconsin, where I was raised. My dad lived until 1994, but he would never give interviews. When Walter Cronkite's producers, or the New York Times would call, we were trained as little kids to say, 'No, I'm sorry, sir, my dad's not here. He is in Canada fishing. No, there is no phone there, sir. No, we don't know when he is coming back.' My dad never fished or even went to Canada. Usually, he was sitting there right at the table eating his Campbell's soup. But we had to tell the press that he was out fishing. He didn't want to talk to the press.

"You see, my dad didn't see himself as a hero. Everyone thinks these guys are heroes, 'cause they are in a photo and on a monument. My dad knew better. He was a medic. John Bradley from Wisconsin was a caregiver. In Iwo Jima he probably held over 200 boys as they died. And when boys died in Iwo Jima, they writhed and screamed in pain.

"When I was a little boy, my third grade teacher told me that my dad was a hero. When I went home and told my dad that, he looked at me and said, 'I want you always to remember that the heroes of Iwo Jima are the guys who did not come back. Did NOT come back.'

"So that's the story about six nice young boys. Three died on Iwo Jima, and three came back as national heroes. Overall, 7,000 boys died on Iwo Jima in the worst battle in the history of the Marine Corps. My voice is giving out, so I will end here. Thank you for your time."

 Suddenly, the monument wasn't just a big old piece of metal with a flag sticking out of the top. It came to life before our eyes with the heartfelt words of a son who did indeed have a father who was a hero. Maybe not a hero for the reasons most people would believe, but a hero nonetheless.

 Let us never forget from the Revolutionary War to the Gulf War and all the wars in-between that sacrifice was made for our freedom. Remember to pray praises for this great country of ours and also pray for those still in murderous unrest around the world. STOP and THANK GOD for being alive and being free at someone else's sacrifice.

[dmoore74]

Walmart Wine

 

WAL-MART announced that it will begin offering

customers a new discount item: WALMART's own brand of

wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with

Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1- $3 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a

bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "there is a

market for inexpensive wine," said Kathy Micken, professor of

marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville.

She said: "But the right name is important." Customer

surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for

the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc

9. White Trashfindel

8. Big Red Gulp

7. World Championship Riesling

6. NASCARbernet

5. Chef Boyardeaux

4. Peanut Noir

3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!

2. Grape Expectations

1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of WALMART wine is that it can be served

with either white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).

[blhanel]

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old
man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in
all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old
man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically
asked, "What's the matter, never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Lord Atmo]

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the
dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the
page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.  If you are UP to it, you
might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP
a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a
hundred or more.  When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP, but
when the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, it wets
the earth and often messes things UP.  When it doesn't rain for awhile,
things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ...
it's time to shut UP!

that's a lot of UP there. kinda like their SD70Ms...

 

[rrnut282]

A little wordplay for you ... this is such fun to read ... enjoy!

DO YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

->

 

I heard it as:

The dump was so full, it had to refuse to dump any more refuse.

[JSGreen]

A little wordplay for you ... this is such fun to read ... enjoy!

DO YOU THINK ENGLISH IS EASY?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

           ... just to name a few!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.  There is no egg in eggplant,
nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.  And why is it that writers write but
fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?  If the
plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose,
2 geese.  So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices?  Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but
not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all
but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?  If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by
truck and send cargo by ship?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a
language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you
fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going
on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights
are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this ...

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other
two-letter word, and that is "UP."  It's easy to understand UP, meaning
toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the
morning, why do we wake UP?  At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  Why
do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP
to the secretary to write UP a
report?

We call UP our friends and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.  We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.  People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:  A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped
UP.  We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.  We
seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the
dictionary.  In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the
page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.  If you are UP to it, you
might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.  It will take UP
a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a
hundred or more.  When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP, but
when the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.  When it rains, it wets
the earth and often messes things UP.  When it doesn't rain for awhile,
things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so ...
it's time to shut UP!

[Datafever]

A friend is someone we turn to when our spirits need a lift.


A friend is someone we treasure for our friendship is a gift.


A friend is someone who fills our lives with beauty, joy, and grace.


And makes the world we live in a better and happier place.


There is a miracle called friendship that dwells in the heart.


You do not know how it happens or when it gets its start.

[dmoore74]

Husband and Wife Store

 

A Husbands Store has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a man. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a man.  On the first floor a sign reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have  Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the next floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are  Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

 "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can  hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

 Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

 She is tempted to stay but goes to the next floor where a sign reads:

 Floor 6  - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this  floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband  Store.       

The store's owner also opens a Wife Store.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

No man has ever visited floors 3 through 6.

[JSGreen]

Warning: this one sounds really dirty, but it isn't (unless you have a dirty mind!)  

So that said, read at your own risk.
              
                        
A Thanksgiving Poem  

He laid her on the table,
So white and clean and bare.  

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.  

He touched her neck and then her ***,
And then he felt her thigh.  

The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.  

The hole was wide -- he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.  He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
...And then he stuffed the turkey.

[JSGreen]

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big,
old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled
up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began
dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his
bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He
slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you,
one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the
souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard
for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly
to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one
for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me
the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence,
yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the
wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a
glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's
all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

SMILE, God Loves You!
:)

[JSGreen]

Grandma and Grandpa were driving from Washington to Florida.  To attend their granddaughter's graduation from medical school.

Halfway through their trip, they stopped to visit one of their sons in Kansas for a night. Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in the medicine cabinet. He asked his son about using one of the pills.

 The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

 "How much?" asked Grandpa.

 "Around $10.00 a pill," answered the son.

 "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, we'll be leaving early in the morning, so I'll put the money under the pillow."

 Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow.

 He immediately called Grandpa on his cell phone and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[tree68]

| | | | | | | / / / / / / __ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

(heh heh -- ain't that dumb?)

   

Maybe I'm just delirious, but I found your domino effect quite funny.  Maybe it was because the dominos were falling the wrong way.  The falling dominos should be falling into the standing ones.

| | | | | | | \ \ \ \ \ __ __ __ __ __ __

I noticed that, but I just cut and pasted it as is....  Don't know who to blame for the original....

[Datafever]

Guy walks into a bar with his pet ant. He's spent years teaching the ant to sing "White Christmas", and has finally succeeded and can't wait to show his ant off.

He puts him on the bar and shows him to the bartender saying, "See that?"

The bartender squashes the ant with his towel, saying "Yeah, the pests are all over the place."

[Datafever]

| | | | | | | / / / / / / __ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

(heh heh -- ain't that dumb?)

   

Maybe I'm just delirious, but I found your domino effect quite funny.  Maybe it was because the dominos were falling the wrong way.  The falling dominos should be falling into the standing ones.

| | | | | | | \ \ \ \ \ __ __ __ __ __ __

[tree68]

| | | | | | | / / / / / / __ __ __ __ __ The domino effect at work.

(heh heh -- ain't that dumb?)

[dmoore74]

 

 

We've heard of blank verse.  Maybe this is blank humor.

[CShaveRR]

I found a little humor in the fact that if you click on the little red "x" you get a slightly larger red "X".

[vsmith]

 

 

[CShaveRR]

My wife and I just ate at a fast-food joint that has its own cups for its soft drinks.  The warning is around the bottom of the cup: "This beverage may be cold--DUH!"

Just like that!

(That, and the view of the tracks, were the two redeeming features of the place.)

[Datafever]

 

 

In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof

that the human race is doomed through stupidity,

here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- "Do not use while sleeping."
(but that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos -- "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."
(the shoplifter special)?


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?


On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh..fly Delta?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?!)

[Datafever]

The Folded Napkin

I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy. But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie. He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome.

I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade. The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded "truck stop germ"; the pairs of white shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks.

I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot. After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties.

Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table.

Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto a cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag. If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.

Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work.

He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often had heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months.

A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine.

Frannie, headwaitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news. Belle Ringer, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of the 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table. Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Belle Ringer a withering look.

He grinned. "OK, Frannie, what was that all about?" he asked.

"We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay."

"I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him. What was the surgery about?" Frannie quickly told Belle Ringer and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed:

"Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK" she said. "But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is."

Belle Ringer nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do.

After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.

"What's up?" I asked.

"I didn't get that table where Belle Ringer and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pony Pete and Tony Tipper were sitting there when I got back to clean it off," she said. "This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup." She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the    outside, in big, bold letters, was printed "Something For Stevie."

"Pony Pete asked me what that was all about," she said, "so I told about Stevie and his Mom and everything, and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this." She handed me another paper napkin that had "Something For Stevie" scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds.

Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: "truckers."

That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work. His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called ten times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have his mother bring him to work, met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back.

Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting.

"Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast," I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. "Work can wait for a minute. To celebrate you coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!" I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room. I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper napkins.

"First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess," I said. I tried to sound stern. Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had "Something for Stevie" printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.

Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it.

I turned to his mother "There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems."

"Happy Thanksgiving."

Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well. But you know what's funny?

While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big, big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table. Best worker I ever hired.

[zardoz]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

[zardoz]

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard.

Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front Of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday- School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

[zardoz]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.

"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"