Blondes Old People Now politics
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. "Kenneth." "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry." "And what is your question, Larry?" "I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"
Now that I've insulted the blondes, now I'll take my shots at the elderly:
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns.""Do you mean a rose?""Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?----------------------------------------------------------------------------------A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?""Sure.""Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks."No, I can remember it.""Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.""I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.""Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?""Twelve thirty."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?""No," he replied, "Arthritis."
Those 27 procedures at the ATM would especially apply if the female is a blonde!!!
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?They went to see "Closed for the Winter."
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Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was shopping and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold.""Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked."Why, that's a thermos .. . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee.
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE/ procedures have been developed.Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.>> MALE PROCEDURE >> * 1. Drive up to the cash machine.>> * 2. Put down your car window.>> * 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.>> * 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.>> * 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.>> * 6. Put window up.>> * 7 Drive off.>>> ************************************************************>> FEMALE PROCEDURE:>> * 1. Drive up to cash machine.>> * 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.>> * 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.>> * 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card!>> * 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.>> * 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.>> * 7. Open door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.>> * 8. Insert card.>> * 9. Re-insert card the right way.>> * 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.> * 11. Enter PIN.>> * 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.>> * 13. Enter amount of cash required.>> * 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.>> * 15 Retrieve cash and receipt.>> * 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.>> * 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.>> * 18. Re-check makeup.>> * 19. Drive forward 2 feet.>> * 20. Reverse back to cash machine.>> * 21. Retrieve card.>> * 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.>> * 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.>> * 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.>> * 25. Redial person on cell phone.>> * 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.>> * 27. Release Parking Brake.
Sock Preference ================ The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.
"You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy the following:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
I like this one, and I am Irish.
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one
Tarzan Not Know Sex
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,......Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how do do it properly."
She took off her cloathing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
"What the h*** did you do that for?!!"
Tarzan replied, "Me check for squirrel."
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."
The second floor sign reads:
"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."
The third floor sign reads:
"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous."
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help with Housework."
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it." Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."
She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31, 456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please."
Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store."
To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a New Wives' store just across the street...........
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
Datafever wrote:Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Sadly enough, there is a ring of truth to that.
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...we had friends and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!
And you are one of them! Congratulations!
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
That's my favorite out of the entire list!
Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer
zardoz wrote: vsmith wrote: espeefoamer wrote: vsmith wrote:Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!AHh Nope! Sorry but the Colts are going to shoed and saddled, given cute frilly pink reigns and made to give pony rides to little girlsNo one rides a Bear, not even Grizzly AdamsKeeping this for posterity!
vsmith wrote: espeefoamer wrote: vsmith wrote:Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!AHh Nope! Sorry but the Colts are going to shoed and saddled, given cute frilly pink reigns and made to give pony rides to little girlsNo one rides a Bear, not even Grizzly Adams
espeefoamer wrote: vsmith wrote:Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!
vsmith wrote:Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"
That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!
Keeping this for posterity!
Have fun with your trains
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