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Posted by spokyone on Tuesday, February 13, 2007 11:36 AM

Blondes  Old People  Now politics

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth."
"And what is your question, Kenneth?"
"I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary point him out and asks him what his name is.
"Larry."
"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

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Posted by Datafever on Monday, February 12, 2007 10:49 PM
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Monday, February 12, 2007 10:43 PM
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Monday, February 12, 2007 10:19 PM
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by spokyone on Monday, February 12, 2007 12:30 PM
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party......    even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps...   with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
I'm not really grouchy,
I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota commercials,  barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place,  somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?
I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....  I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who told this to me. And I don't remember if I posted this yesterday.
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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 12, 2007 9:56 AM

Now that I've insulted the blondes, now I'll take my shots at the elderly:

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Posted by spokyone on Monday, February 12, 2007 9:24 AM
Two blondes from NY drove down to Orlando for a vacation. They turned off I-4 onto Epcot Drive. The next sign said          "Epcot Center Left" The driver said, "Darn, we drove all the way down here for nothing"
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Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Monday, February 12, 2007 9:11 AM

Those 27 procedures at the ATM would especially apply if the female is a blonde!!!Laugh [(-D]

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 12, 2007 9:09 AM

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.  He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde was shopping and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.
"Why, that's a thermos .. . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee.

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 12, 2007 8:44 AM

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their
accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE/ procedures have been developed.Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
>
>  MALE PROCEDURE
>
> * 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
>
> * 2. Put down your car window.
>
> * 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
>
> * 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
>
> * 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
>
> * 6. Put window up.
>
> * 7 Drive off.
>
>
> ************************************************************
>
> FEMALE PROCEDURE:
>
> * 1. Drive up to cash machine.
>
> * 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
>
> * 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
>
> * 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card!
>
> * 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
>
> * 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
>
> * 7. Open door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
>
> * 8. Insert card.
>
> * 9. Re-insert card the right way.
>
> * 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

> * 11. Enter PIN.
>
> * 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
>
> * 13. Enter amount of cash required.
>
> * 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
>
> * 15 Retrieve cash and receipt.
>
> * 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
>
> * 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
>
> * 18. Re-check makeup.
>
> * 19. Drive forward 2 feet.
>
> * 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
>
> * 21. Retrieve card.
>
> * 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
>
> * 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
>
> * 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
>
> * 25. Redial person on cell phone.
>
> * 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
>
> * 27. Release Parking Brake.

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Posted by spokyone on Sunday, February 11, 2007 8:27 PM
This daddy has now been punished.
Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your
bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this

with his father.

"Daddy why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
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Posted by Railfan1 on Sunday, February 11, 2007 8:23 AM
Laugh [(-D]
"It's a great day to be alive" "Of all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, It might have been......"
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Posted by spokyone on Saturday, February 10, 2007 6:54 PM
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought as he roared on down I-75.He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring."I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he tromped on it some more, and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."

He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes, and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me any reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
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Posted by spokyone on Saturday, February 10, 2007 6:52 PM
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door.

The wife answers thru the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, February 10, 2007 6:44 PM

Sock Preference
================
The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.

"You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"

"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."

"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."

"You DO?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, February 10, 2007 5:56 PM

Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known.  Enjoy the following:

1.  Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2.  Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3.  There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5.  Always drink upstream from the herd.

6.  If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

8.  There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading.  The few who learn by observation.  The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.

9.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 

10.  If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

11.  Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12.  After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.  He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.  The moral:  When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by spokyone on Friday, February 9, 2007 7:54 AM

I like this one, and I am Irish.

           Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one

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Posted by Datafever on Friday, February 9, 2007 12:47 AM
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Thursday, February 8, 2007 10:09 PM

Tarzan Not Know Sex

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Oh,......Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how do do it properly."

She took off her cloathing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,

"What the h*** did you do that for?!!"

Tarzan replied, "Me check for squirrel."

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Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Thursday, February 8, 2007 9:40 PM

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a new husband. At the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

"Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs."

The second floor sign reads:

"Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids."

The third floor sign reads:

"Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Drop-dead Gorgeous."

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous and Help with Housework."

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it." Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."

She is tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

"Floor 6 - You are visitor 31, 456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please."

Thank you for shopping at the New Husband Store."

To avoid gender bias accusations, the store's owner also opens a New Wives' store just across the street...........

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

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Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Wednesday, February 7, 2007 7:03 PM

 Datafever wrote:
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Sadly enough, there is a ring of truth to that.Sad [:(]

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Posted by Datafever on Wednesday, February 7, 2007 6:16 PM
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and,when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Wednesday, February 7, 2007 1:49 AM
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Monday, February 5, 2007 9:49 PM

To All The Kids Who Survived The 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because we were always outside playing.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...we had friends and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live in us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all!

And you are one of them! Congratulations!

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Railfan1 on Monday, February 5, 2007 4:24 PM
Sign - Ditto [#ditto]
"It's a great day to be alive" "Of all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, It might have been......"
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Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Monday, February 5, 2007 1:43 PM

-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

That's my favorite out of the entire list!Laugh [(-D]

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 5, 2007 12:46 PM
How Cold Is Cold?

60  Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50  Miami residents turn on the heat

40  You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming

35  Italian cars don't start

32  Water freezes

30  You plan your vacation to Australia

25  Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming

20  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South

15  French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you

10  You need jumper cables to get the car going

5  American cars don't start

0  Alaskans put on T-shirts

-10  German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink

-15  You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist

-20  Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start

-25  Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going

-30  You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start

-40  Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South

-50  Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window

-80  Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South

-90  Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 5, 2007 12:33 PM

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
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Posted by vsmith on Monday, February 5, 2007 12:26 PM
 zardoz wrote:
 vsmith wrote:
 espeefoamer wrote:

 vsmith wrote:
Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"Wink [;)]

That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!

Cool [8D]

AHh Nope!
Sorry but the Colts are going to shoed and saddled, given cute frilly pink reigns and made to give pony rides to little girlsBig Smile [:D]
No one rides a Bear, not even Grizzly AdamsLaugh [(-D]

Keeping this for posterity!

Dont bother, Da Bears turned into another Dome team that cant play outside of their air conditioned happydale...Man what happened to Da Bears I remember who would win winter games simply by waiting for the other team to freeze solid on the old Soldiers Field ? Disapprove [V]

   Have fun with your trains

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 5, 2007 11:49 AM
"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution


(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire


(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough

(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft


(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid

(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage


(P) Something loose in cockpit

(S) Something tightened in cockpit


(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear

(S) Evidence removed


(P) DME volume unbelievably loud

(S) Volume set to more believable level


(P) Dead bugs on windshield

(S) Live bugs on order


(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent

(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground


(P) IFF inoperative

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe)


(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick

(S) That's what they're there for


(P) Number three engine missing

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search


(P) Aircraft handles funny

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious


(P) Target Radar hums

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

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