Trains.com

Would you believe..... (a little humor) Locked

173355 views
3436 replies
1 rating 2 rating 3 rating 4 rating 5 rating
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, March 6, 2007 7:56 AM
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 11:02 AM
The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unor confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 10:39 AM
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 10:27 AM

Top ten signs that you are too drunk

10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.

9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

6. You can focus better with one eye closed.

5. You fall off the floor.

5. The whole bar greets you when you come in.

4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like.

3. Roseanne looks good.

2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass.

1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 10:25 AM
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 10:15 AM

BEER PRAYER

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 10:08 AM
Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 9:46 AM
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 9:43 AM
The Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, February 27, 2007 9:40 AM
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"
  • Member since
    December 2005
  • From: MP 175.1 CN Neenah Sub
  • 4,917 posts
Posted by CNW 6000 on Monday, February 26, 2007 11:42 AM

Mens Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys.  I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the beverages of choice were going down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing she'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with her.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12:00. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then she said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'Oh s_ _t!' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

Dan

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 26, 2007 10:56 AM
Two small-town men were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference for work.
     There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, both men staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
     When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he asked.
     "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 26, 2007 10:50 AM
A Texan was bragging to an Englishman about how big Texas is. "Why you could get on a train in east Texas on Monday morning, head due west all day Monday, continue overnight, and still be in Texas at sunset Tuesday," she said. The Englishman replied that you could do the same in England. The trains were just as slow there.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 26, 2007 10:38 AM

At a wreck investigation, a brakeman was describing his version of the wreck: "The con was flipping the tissue in the doghouse; the hind shack was freezing a hot tub, near the hind end; tallow pot was cracking diamonds in the tank; Eagle Eye was down greasing the pig; and I was bending the rails when they hit us."

Under cross-examination this was translated to mean that the conductor was examining his orders in the cupola (of the caboose). The rear brakeman was cooling off a journal (bearing on which the axle rests). The fireman was breaking coal. The engineer was oiling the engine, and the head brakeman was throwing a switch, when the collision took place.

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 26, 2007 10:02 AM
Scientists were shocked to find what is believed to be the first known female railfan. "This destroys every theory we've had about the species," said one anthropologist. The woman, a swimsuit model and avid train watcher, was found lurking around Amtrak's Beach Cove maintenance shops with a camera and notepad. One witness heard her quoting from The Diesel Spotter's Guide.

     Anthropologists discovered this living female railfan, apparently the first ever, Cherry Allen, 21. She was at first suspected of being a clever fake. Extensive clinical testing proved her to be an actual genetic female and a timetable-carrying member of the railfan community. Ms. Allen was able to answer a series of complex questions concerning the motive power roster of the Pennsylvania Railroad prior to 1950. She is also tall, slender and very attractive. When not out railfanning or working as a swimsuit model, Ms. Allen enjoys watching sports on TV and building super-detailed O Scale locomotives. In a recent interview, this blue-eyed blond from the sunny beaches of Las Vegas confessed she is "still looking for that special someone." Who is her ideal man? "Well," she said, "A guy who loves spending afternoons lounging in the hot tub and reading old issues of Trains magazine."

     The discovery has stunned many. One man expressed surprise, commenting, "This means I have a chance at finding a girlfriend who won't make fun of me and my trains. An admittedly pretty small chance, but still..."

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 26, 2007 9:59 AM
A man is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
     
He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND swearing!"
     
Still nothing... and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one last time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, swearing, and smoking too!!!"
     
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said... "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 26, 2007 9:56 AM
The passenger train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air, before the doors slid shut. 

Seeing at him, an older man said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away." 

The young man took a deep breath and said, "In shape!?!  Dude, I missed this train at the last station."
  • Member since
    December 2005
  • From: MP 175.1 CN Neenah Sub
  • 4,917 posts
Posted by CNW 6000 on Sunday, February 25, 2007 10:02 PM
Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary:

   8:00am            Dog food!  My favorite thing!
   9:30am            Car ride!  My favorite thing!
   9:40am            Walk in the park!  My favorite thing!
10:30am            Got rubbed and petted!  My favorite thing!
12:00pm            Lunch!  My favorite thing!
   1:00pm            Played in the yard!  My favorite thing!
   3:00pm            Wagged my tail!  My favorite thing!
   5:00pm            Milk bones!  My favorite thing!
   7:00pm            Got to play ball!  My favorite thing!
   8:00pm            Wow!  Watched TV with my master!  My favorite
thing!
11:00pm            Sleeping on the bed!  My favorite thing!



Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:

Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other
inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I
make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must
eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that
keeps
me going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I once
again vomit on the floor.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The
audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight.
I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my
confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this
means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this
again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The
bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the
guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so
he is safe.......... for now.

Dan

  • Member since
    March 2005
  • From: SIOUX FALLS, SOUTH DAKOTA
  • 2,483 posts
Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Saturday, February 24, 2007 7:50 AM

 Datafever wrote:
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

While I don't believe this statement is entirely true, I will say that every profession has it's share of "Bad Apples", and it's no different with the legal profession. And it's a shame that attorneys in general have been given a black eye by the few bad apples in the profession. I have a long standing friendship with a couple of attorneys who are like brothers to me, and they are more or less responsible for having gotten me interested in trains.

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

  • Member since
    January 2001
  • From: MA
  • 562 posts
Posted by dmoore74 on Saturday, February 24, 2007 7:05 AM

New Age Stress Management

Here is a sure-fire technique to relieve the stress of daily life.

 

For any time you've had a rough night or day, here's a New Age stress management technique that really works:

Picture yourself near a stream.

No one but you knows your secret place.

Birds are singing sweetly in the cool mountain air.

You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world,"

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is crystal clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.

See, you're smiling already!

  • Member since
    October 2004
  • From: at the home of the MRL
  • 690 posts
Posted by JSGreen on Thursday, February 22, 2007 1:31 PM

 Political Humor:

 

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton.  I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here.  Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

...I may have a one track mind, but at least it's not Narrow (gauge) Wink.....
  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Smoggy L.A.
  • 10,743 posts
Posted by vsmith on Thursday, February 22, 2007 1:14 PM

The REAL crime with these awards ISNT the idiots who sued, it the fact that they find time and time again complete MORONS to fil the jury boxes with who issue these awards....Ugh!

Sigh [sigh]

   Have fun with your trains

  • Member since
    October 2004
  • From: at the home of the MRL
  • 690 posts
Posted by JSGreen on Thursday, February 22, 2007 8:46 AM

Bogus....SoapBox [soapbox]

Someone went to a lot of touble here, and they are amusing, but the TRUE stella awards are available HERE... 

The TRUE Stella Awards -- 2006 Winners
by Randy Cassingham
Issued 31 January 2007

Unlike the FAKE cases that have been highly circulated online for the
last several years (see http://www.StellaAwards.com/bogus.html for
details), the following cases have been researched from public sources
and are confirmed TRUE by the ONLY legitimate source for the Stella
Awards: www.StellaAwards.com . To confirm this copy is legitimate, see
http://www.StellaAwards.com/2006.html

-v-

2006 Runners-Up and Winner:

#5: Marcy Meckler. While shopping at a mall, Meckler stepped outside and
was "attacked" by a squirrel that lived among the trees and bushes.
And "while frantically attempting to escape from the squirrel and
detach it from her leg, [Meckler] fell and suffered severe injuries,"
her resulting lawsuit says. That's the mall's fault, the lawsuit
claims, demanding in excess of $50,000, based on the mall's "failure
to warn" her that squirrels live outside.

#4: Ron and Kristie Simmons. The couple's 4-year-old son, Justin, was
killed in a tragic lawnmower accident in a licensed daycare facility,
and the death was clearly the result of negligence by the daycare
providers. The providers were clearly deserving of being sued, yet
when the Simmons's discovered the daycare only had $100,000 in
insurance, they dropped the case against them and instead sued the
manufacturer of the 16-year-old lawn mower because the mower didn't
have a safety device that 1) had not been invented at the time of the
mower's manufacture, and 2) no safety agency had even suggested needed
to be invented. A sympathetic jury still awarded the family $2
million.

#3: Robert Clymer. An FBI agent working a high-profile case in Las Vegas,
Clymer allegedly created a disturbance, lost the magazine from his
pistol, then crashed his pickup truck in a drunken stupor -- his
blood-alcohol level was 0.306 percent, more than three times the legal
limit for driving in Nevada. He pled guilty to drunk driving because,
his lawyer explained, "With public officials, we expect them to own up
to their mistakes and correct them." Yet Clymer had the gall to sue
the manufacturer of his pickup truck, and the dealer he bought it
from, because he "somehow lost consciousness" and the truck "somehow
produced a heavy smoke that filled the passenger cab." Yep: the drunk-
driving accident wasn't his fault, but the truck's fault. Just the
kind of guy you want carrying a gun in the name of the law.

#2: KinderStart.com. The specialty search engine says Google should be
forced to include the KinderStart site in its listings, reveal how its
"Page Rank" system works, and pay them lots of money because they're a
competitor. They claim by not being ranked higher in Google, Google is
somehow infringing KinderStart's Constitutional right to free speech.
Even if by some stretch they were a competitor of Google, why in the
world would they think it's Google's responsibility to help them
succeed? And if Google's "review" of their site is negative, wouldn't
a government court order forcing them to change it infringe on
Google's Constitutional right to free speech?

AND THE WINNER of the 2006 Stella Award: Allen Ray Heckard. Even though
Heckard is 3 inches shorter, 25 pounds lighter, and 8 years older than
former basketball star Michael Jordan, the Portland, Oregon, man says
he looks a lot like Jordan, and is often confused for him -- and thus
he deserves $52 million "for defamation and permanent injury" -- plus
$364 million in "punitive damage for emotional pain and suffering",
plus the SAME amount from Nike co-founder Phil Knight, for a grand
total of $832 million. He dropped the suit after Nike's lawyers
chatted with him, where they presumably explained how they'd counter-
sue if he pressed on.

Copyright 2007 www.StellaAwards.com . This message may be forwarded as
long as it remains complete and unaltered.

 

...I may have a one track mind, but at least it's not Narrow (gauge) Wink.....
  • Member since
    December 2005
  • From: MP 175.1 CN Neenah Sub
  • 4,917 posts
Posted by CNW 6000 on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 8:33 PM
...all great examples of some of the idiots that abound in this fine country!

Dan

  • Member since
    June 2001
  • From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois
  • 13,681 posts
Posted by CShaveRR on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 8:28 PM

Disseminating other peoples' versions of intelligence...

 

In case there are any doubts that Americans are the most litigious
people in the world, here are the 2006 Stella award winners:

STELLA AWARDS

It's time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella
Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year old Stella Liebeck
who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in
New Mexico ). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most
frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States. Here
are this year's winners:


5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.


5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda
Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the
wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.


5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving
a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not
able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.  He couldn't re-enter the house bec ause the door
connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The
family was on vacation, and  Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the
garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a
large bag of dry dog food.  He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming
the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the
tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500
and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.  The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the
owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the
bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This
occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies' room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.  She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

AND...LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home (from an OU football
game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70
mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go into the back and make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed, and overturned. Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home.

The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

  • Member since
    September 2006
  • From: Mt. Fuji
  • 1,840 posts
Posted by Datafever on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 8:06 PM
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
  • Member since
    September 2006
  • From: Mt. Fuji
  • 1,840 posts
Posted by Datafever on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 8:05 PM
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
  • Member since
    July 2006
  • From: Aledo IL
  • 1,728 posts
Posted by spokyone on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 7:38 PM

Carl: A tear almost got out of my eye _ _ . _

 

  • Member since
    June 2001
  • From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois
  • 13,681 posts
Posted by CShaveRR on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 5:23 PM

A man takes his boy to a hockey game--they have seats directly behind one of the goals.  Unfortunately, there's plenty of action at this goal, because the goalie's having a very bad day--pucks shoot between his legs, past his stick, you name it.  He's obviously frustrated, but doesn't say a word.

After the game is over, the man yells down at him, "Hey--I want to talk to you!"

He tells the goalie, "I know you were having a rough game, but I also noticed that you kept your cool through everything--no swearing, rude gestures, or anything.  I'm glad my boy here didn't have to see or hear anything like that, so I'd like to take you out to dinner--right now."

The goalie, touched, said, "That's very nice of you.  But You and your boy paid a lot of money for those seats, and my performance couldn't have satisfied you, because it didn't satisfy me.  Yes, we can go to dinner, but I insist that it be my treat."

So, after the goalie showered and changed, the three of them went out of the stadium.  They walked a short distance up the street to a nice restaurant, and went through the door in single file:

Father, son, and goalie host.

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Smoggy L.A.
  • 10,743 posts
Posted by vsmith on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 4:58 PM
One nice thing about large scale is that you can add epitaths to the head stones, here a few from my collection for future "application" - EPITAPHS AND EPIGRAMS

From a graveyard in Ribbesford, Worcestershire

The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife
And the Devil sent him Anna


A headstone in Nova Scotia 

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, aged 102.
The Good Die Young 

William Wilson Lambeth

Here Lieth W.W.
Who never more will
Trouble you, trouble you

Sir Christopher Wren's tombstone in St Paul's Cathedral 

Si monumentum requiris, circumspice
(if you seek my monument, look around me)

Thomas W Campbell, a travelling salesman. Burlington, Iowa.

My Trip is Ended.
Send My Samples Home

The Gaelic words on the headstone of Spike Milligan, in Winchelsea, East Sussex. They were inscribed more than two years after his death

Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite
(I told you I was ill)

In most large cemeteries, you will probably find an epitaph that goes something like this one found in Waynesville, North Carolina:

Effie Jean Robinson

1897-1922

Come blooming youths, as you pass by ,

And on these lines do cast an eye.

As you are now, so once was I;

As I am now, so must you be;

Prepare for death and follow me.

Which is not funny at all. But underneath, someone had added:

To follow you

I am not content,

How do I know

Which way you went.

 

Death in the West

Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona

Here lies Lester Moore.

Four slugs

From a forty-four.

No Les

No Moore.

 

Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona

He was young

He was fair

But the Injuns

Raised his hair

  

Boot Hill Cemetery, Tombstone, Arizona

Here lays Butch.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

 

Silver City, Nevada

Here lies a man named Zeke.

Second fastest draw in Cripple Creek.

(May be in Cripple Creek, Colorado)

Silver City, Nevada

Toothless Nell  (Alice Chambers)

Killed 1876 in a Dance Hall brawl.

Her last words: "Circumstances led me to this end."

 

Boot Hill Museum, Dodge City, Kansas

Here lies the body of  Arkansas Jim.

We made the mistake, But the joke's on him.

 

Culver City

He called

Bill Smith

A Liar

Cripple Creek, CO

 

 

On the grave of a woman who died in 1984.  Colorado Springs, Colorado. Her son, owner of Zeezo's Magic Castle in Colorado Springs, stated that his mother had been married to a Texan who is buried in Texas.

I would rather be here than in Texas.

James B. McCoy left a message on his 1899 tombstone proclaiming his independence from the United States Government.

Member Co. D 17th Iowa Inf. which mustered in 1165 men and mustered out 42. Participated in 19 battles and 3 sieges. Never Applied For A Pension.  Salida, Colorado

On a hanged man

Rab McBeth

Who died for the want

of another breath.

1791-1823

Larne, Ireland - On a hanged sheep stealer

Here lies the body of

Thomas Kemp.

Who lived by wool

and died by hemp.

Bletchley, Bucks, England

 

Winterborn Steepleton Cemetery, Dorsetshire, England

Here lies the body

Of Margaret Bent

She kicked up her heels

And away she went.

 

Food was the topic of many epitaphs.

Here lies old Rastus Sominy

Died a-eating hominy

In 1859 anno domini

 

Savannah, Georgia

He got a fish-bone in his throat

and then he sang an angel note.

 

Schenectady, New York 

She was not smart, she was not fair,

But hearts with grief for her are swellin';

All empty stands her little chair:

She died of eatin' water-mellon.

 

In a New Jersey cemetery

Rebecca Freeland

1741

She drank good ale,

good punch and wine

And lived to the age of 99.

 

Merry Ol' England 

Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,

Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt.

Who died one morning just at ten

And saved a dinner by it.

 

Falkirk, England 

1690

Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones

Who ate while he was able.

But once overfed, he dropt down dead

And fell beneath the table.

When from the tomb, to meet his doom,

He arises amidst sinners.

Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,

Take him - whichever gives the best dinners.

 

 

Here lies Johnny Cole.

Who died upon my soul

After eating a plentiful dinner.

While chewing his crust

He was turned into dust

With his crimes undigested - poor sinner.

 

In memory of Anna Hopewell

Here lies the body of our Anna

Done to death by a banana

It wasn't the fruit that laid her low

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

 

Enosburg Falls, Vermont

Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,

The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:

She died of drinking too much coffee,

Anny Dominy -- eighteen-forty.

 

Roxbury, Connecticut

Eliza, Sorrowing

Rears This Marble Slab

To Her Dear John

Who Died of Eating Crab.

 

On a Farmer's Daughter, Letitia:

Grim Death

To Please His Palate

Has Taken My Lettice

To Put in His Sallat (salad).

Ipswich

 

On a grave digger:

Hooray my brave boys

Lets rejoice at his fall.

For if he had lived

He would have buried us all.

 

On a grave digger:

Robert Phillip, gravedigger:

Here I lie at the Chancel door;

Here lie I because I am poor;

The farther in the more you pay;

Here I lie as warm as they.

Kingsbridge, England

 

On a coroner who hung himself:

He lived

And died

By suicide

West Grimstead, Sussex, England

 

On Ezekiel Pease:

Pease is not here,

Only his pod

He shelled out his Peas

And went to his God

Nantucket, Massachusetts

 

On a Coal-miner

Gone Underground For Good

 

On an Architect:

Here lies Robert Trollope

Who made yon stones roll up.

When death took his soul up

His body filled this hole up.

 

 

On a lawyer in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer.

And that is Strange.

 

On an attorney:

Goembel

John E.

1867-1946

"The defense rests"

 

On a dentist:

Stranger tread

This ground with gravity.

Dentist Brown

Is filling his last cavity.

Edinburgh, Scotland

 

On a brewer:

G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.

In life he was both hale and stout.

Death brought him to his bitter bier.

Now in heaven he hops about.

 

On a Painter:

A Finished Artist

 

On an Auctioneer:

Jedediah Goodwin

Auctioneer

Born 1828

Going!

Going!!

Gone!!!

1876

 

On a fisherman:

Captain Thomas Coffin

Died 1842, age 50 years.

He's done a-catching cod

And gone to meet his God.

New Shoreham, Rhode Island

 

On a waiter:

Here lies the body of

Detlof Swenson.

Waiter.

God finally caught his eye.

April 10, 1902

 

On an Author:

He Has Written Finis

 

On a teacher:

Professor S. B. McCracken

School is out

Teacher

Has gone home.

Elkhart, Indiana

 

On John Yeast:

Here lies

Johnny Yeast.

Pardon me

For not rising.

Ruidoso, New Mexico

 

On John Penny:

Reader if cash thou are

In want of any

Dig 4 feet deep

And thou wilt find a Penny.

Wimborne, England

 

Epitaph on a huge boulder on the grave of a doctor:

William P. Rothwell, M.D.

1866-1939

This is on me. L

Oak Grove Cemetery, Pawtucket, Rhode Island

 

 On a watchmaker:

Here lies in horizontal position the outside case of Dear George Routleight, watchmaker, whose abilities in that line were an honor to his profession -- integrity was the mainspring, and prudence the regulator of all the actions of his life. Humane, generous, and liberal, his hand never stopped until he had relieved distress. So nicely regulated were all his movements that he never went wrong, except when set agoing by people who did not know his key; even then he was easily set right again. He had the art of disposing his time so well that the hours glided away in one continued round of pleasure and delight, till an unlucky moment put a period to his existence. He departed this life November 14, 1802, aged fifty-seven. Wound up in hopes of being taken in hand by his Maker and being thoroughly cleansed, repaired, and set agoing in the world to come.  

St Petrock's Church, Lyford, Devon, England

 

On a gardener:

To the Green Memory of

William Hawkings

Gardener:

Planted Here

With Love and Care

By His

Grieving Colleagues.

Davenport

 

On a housewife:

Mary Weary, Housewife

Dere Friends I am going

Where washing ain't done

Or cooking or sewing:

Don't mourn for me now

Or weep for me never:

For I go to do nothing

Forever and ever!

Belchertown

 

 A few epitaphs are subtle and do not appear humorous until one thinks about them.

Here lies the body

of John Round.

Lost at sea

and never found.

Belturbet, Ireland

 

Here lies Barnard Lightfoot

Who was accidentally killed

in the 45th year of his age.

This monument was erected

by his grateful family.

 

Here lies the body of

Thomas Vernon

The only surviving son of

Admiral Vernon

Plymouth, Mass.

 

Sacred to the memory of

Major James Brush

Royal Artillery, who was killed

by the accidental discharge of

a pistol by his orderly,

14th April 1831.

Well done, good and faithful servant.

 

Unmarried women called "Old Maids" or "spinsters" were another group that could be a source of humor.

1787 - Jones - 1855

Here lie the bones of Sophie Jones;

For her death held no terrors.

She was born a maid and died a maid.

No hits, no runs, and no heirs.

Scranton, Pennsylvania

 

Ann Mann

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

December 8, 1767

London, England

 

Beneath his silent stone is laid

A noisy, antiquated maid,

Who from her cradle talked to death,

And never before was out of breath.

Here lies, returned to clay

Miss Arabella Young,

Who on the eleventh day of May

Began to hold her tongue.

1794-1863

 

On a spinster postmistress:

Returned--Unopened

In a North Carolina cemetery

 

There just wasn't enough time for these individuals.

Here lies the father of 29.

He would have had more

But he didn't have time.

Moultrie, Georgia

 

Here lies the body of Elred.

At least he will be when he is dead.

But now at this time he's still alive,

14th August '65.

Oxford, England. (Elred eventually made it.)

 

Owen Moore

Gone away

Owin' more

Than he could pay.

Battersea, London, England

 

This Empty Urn is

Sacred to the Memory

of John Revere

Who Died Abroad

in Finistere:

If He Had Lived

He Would Have Been

Buried Here.

Connemora

Death causing the end of a marriage apparently was a good time for the true feelings of the surviving spouse or family members to be etched on stone for all the world to see.

She lived with her husband for 50 years

And died in the confident hope of a better life.

Burlington, Vermont

 

Dear Sister

Here lies the body of Mary Ford.

We hope her soul is with the Lord.

But if for hell she's changed this life,

Better live there than as J. Ford's wife.

Sowersby

 

Grieve not for me my husband dear.

I am not dead but sleeping here.

With patience wait - perforce to die

And in a short time you'll come to I.

And the husband added:

I am not grieved, my dearest life.

Sleep on, I've got another wife.

Therefore, I cannot come to thee

For I must go and live with she.

 

I plant these shrubs upon your grave dear wife

That something on this spot may boast of life.

Shrubs must wither and all earth must rot.

Shrubs may revive, but you thank heaven will not.

  

1796 -- WISE -- 1878

Here lies the body of Ephraim Wise.

Safely tucked between his two wives.

One was Tillie and the other Sue.

Both were faithful, loyal, and true.

By his request in ground that's hilly

His coffin is set tilted toward Tillie.

Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada

 

Sacred to the memory of

My husband

John Barnes

Who died January 3, 1803.

His comely young widow, aged 23,

has many qualifications of a good wife,

and yearns to be comforted.

In a Vermont cemetery

 

Here beneath this stone we lie

Back to back my wife and I

And when the angels trump shall trill

If she gets up then I'll lie still!

Barlinine Cemetery, Glasgow, Scotland

 

Here lies

Elizabeth,

my wife for 47 years,

and this is the first damn thing

she ever done to oblige me.

Streatham Churchyard, England

 

They abounded in riches

But she wore the britches ...

Essex, England

 

On an adulterous husband:

Gone, but not forgiven

Atlanta, Georgia

 

I put my wife beneath this stone

For her repose and for my own.

Middlebury, Vermont

 

 These kind of epitaphs make one wonder--

This stone was raised by Sara's Lord

Not Sara's virtues to record

For they are known to all the town.

This stone was raised to keep her down.

Kilmurry Churchyard, Ireland

 

Here lies

Ezekiel Aikle

Age 102

The Good

Die Young.

East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia

 

Here lies the body of poor Aunt Charlotte.

Born a virgin, died a harlot.

For 16 years she kept her virginity

A damn'd long time for this vicinity.

Death Valley, California

 

Here lies Pa.

Pa liked wimin.

Ma caught Pa in with two swimmin.

Here lies Pa.

 

A stone erected in memory of Brigham Young:

Brigham Young

Born on this spot 1801

A man of much courage and superb equipment.

Whitingham, Vermont

 

Some atheists claim to fame.

Here lies

an Atheist

All dressed up

And no place to go.

Thurmont, Maryland

 

Atheist Arthur Haine's epitaph:

Haine

haint

Vancouver, Washington

 

Personalities

Mary Lefavour

died 1797

aged 74 years

Reader pass on and ne'er waste your time

On bad biography and bitter rhyme.

For what I am this cumb'rous clay insures,

And what I was, is no affair of yours.

Topsfield, Massachusetts

 

I was somebody.

Who, is no business

of yours.

Stowe, Vermont

 

Here lies the body of

Jane Gordon

With mouth almighty

and teeth accordin!

Marblehead, Massachusetts

 

Cold is my bed, but oh, I love it,

For colder are my friends above it.

Calvary Cemetery, Chicago, Illinois

 

Here lies a man who while he lived

Was happy as a linnet.

He always lied while on the earth

And now he's lying in it.

 

On the four husbands of Ivy Saunders:

Here lies my husbands 1 - 2 - 3

As still as men could ever be.

As for the fourth: Praise be to God

He still abides above the sod:

Abel, Seth and Leidy were the first 3 names

and to make things tidy I'll add his - James.

Shutesbury

 

 Here lies

Suzannah Ensign;

Lord she is thin *

(* Should read "thine") Cooperstown, New York

 

On a miser who wanted to save money:

Thorp's Corpse.

When his wife died, the wording was changed to:

Here lieth Thorpses Corpses.

 

The dust of

Melantha Gribbling

Swept up at last

by the Great Housekeeper

Woodville, England

 

On a hypochondriac's grave:

See. I told you

I was SICK!

Littleton, Colorado 

 

Surnames caused rhyming problems for the stonecutter.

Here beneath this pile of stones

Lies all thats left of Sally Jones.

Her name was Smith, not Jones,

But Jones was used to rhyme with stones.

 

Here lie the remains of

Thomas Woodhen.

The most amiable of husbands

And excellent of men.

His real name was Woodcock

But it wouldn't come in rhyme.

Dunoon, Scotland

 

Some epitaphs were meant to warn the living from committing the same mistake as the deceased.

Beneath this stone a lump of clay

Lies Uncle Peter Dan'els

Who early in the month of May

Took off his winter flannels.

Edinburgh, Scotland

 

Here lies the body

of Jonathan Blake.

Stepped on the gas

Instead of the brake.

Uniontown, PA.

 

Reader, I've left this world, in which

I had a world to do;

Sweating and fretting to get rich:

Just such a fool as you.

Charleston, South Carolina

 

Ellen Shannon

age 26 years

Who was fatally burned

March 21, 1870

by the explosion of a lamp

filled with "R. E. Danforth's

Non-Explosive

Burning Fluid."

Girard, Pennsylvania

 

Harry Edsel Smith

Born 1903 - Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft

to see if the car

was on the way down.

It was.

near Albany, New York

 

Julia Newton

Died of thin shoes,

April 17th, 1839,

age 19 years.

In a New Jersey cemetery.

 

Here lies the body of Mary Ann Lowder

She burst while drinking a Seidlitz powder.

Called from this world to her heavenly rest,

She should have waited till it effervesced.

Burlington, Vermont

 

First a Cough

Carried Me Off

Then a Coffin

They Carried Me Off In

Boston, Massachusetts

 

Blown upward

out of sight:

He sought the leak

by candlelight

Wiltshire, England

 

Spelling is exactly as written on the tombstone

In memory of

Richard Fothergill

Who met vierlent death near this spot

18 hundred and 40 too.

He was shot by

his own pistill.

It was not one of the

new kind;

But an old fashioned brass barrell

Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.

Near Sparta Diggings, California

 

On Joseph Crapp:

His foot is slipt

and he did fall.

"Help; Help" he cried

and that was all.

Mylor Churchyard, Cornwall, England

 

Dinah had a little can

'Twas filled with kerosine

And soon among the twinkling stars

Dynamite Benzine. *

(* Dinah might been seen)

 

Here lies old Aunt Hannah Proctor

Who purged but didn't call the Doctor:

She couldn't stay, She had to go

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Medway

 

 More advertisements

 

Here Lies Jane Smith

Wife of Thomas Smith

Marble Cutter:

This Monument Erected

By Her Husband

As A Tribute

To Her Memory.

Monuments of this style

are 250 Dollars.

Annapolis

 

Sacred To The Remains of

Jonathan Thompson

A Pious Christian and

Affectionate Husband.

His disconsolate widow

Continues to carry on

His grocery business

At the old stand on

Main Street: Cheapest

and best prices in town.

Harwichport

  

Effen Nyt

(translates into "Exactly Nothing." Put on stone by disappointed heirs) New Church, Amsterdam, Holland

 

Arthur C. Homan's epitaph:

Once I wasn't

Then I was

Now I ain't again.

Cleveland, Ohio

 

On babies graves:

Ope'd my eyes, took a peep;

Didn't like it, went to sleep.

It is so soon that I am done for

I wonder what I was begun for.

Lake Mills Cemetery, Wisconsin

 

Here lies Ned.

There is nothing more to be said--

Because we like to speak well of the dead.

I came into this world

Without my consent

And left in the same manner.

Chattanooga, Tennessee

 

Thomas Stagg's epitaph:

That is all

St. Giles Churchyard, London, England

   Have fun with your trains

Join our Community!

Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.

Search the Community

Newsletter Sign-Up

By signing up you may also receive occasional reader surveys and special offers from Trains magazine.Please view our privacy policy