The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Tuesday, May 12, 2015 8:47 PM

Heard in our office today:

A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don’t big planes have baby planes?"
The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother.
The stewardess asks the girl if her mom told her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that’s because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"

(This text version from: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/southwestairlinesjokes.html )

For more funny airline jokes, go to:

http://www.funnyairlinestories.com/jokes/pas.asp 

- Paul North. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by Murphy Siding on Tuesday, May 12, 2015 9:12 PM

     A vedor rep was telling me about a family trip they took last fall.  His young daughter said "Daddy?  Why do all the raccoons come up to the road to sleep?".

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Posted by steemtrayn on Tuesday, May 12, 2015 10:25 PM

  A man sits down at a bar, opens his briefcase and takes out a small piano with a one foot tall piano player. "That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen." says the bartender, amazed. "where'd you get it?" The customer tells him that he was taking out the trash and he found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out the genie said he would grant him one wish, and this is what he got. "Wow. Do you still have the lamp?" asked the barman. "Sure, right here. go ahead, try it. But I gotta warn you, He's a little hard of hearing, so when you tell him your wish, you have to speak clearly." The man get's up to use the rest room. When he comes back, he finds the whole room is filled with ducks flying all over the place, Knocking over bottles, spilling drinks, crapping on patrons and making a mess of the place. "What the hell happened? he asks the bartender. "I don't know...All I did was wish for a million bucks." "oh, right," says the man. "I told you he was hard of hearing, he probably thought you said a million ducks. I mean, hell, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"

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Posted by wanswheel on Wednesday, November 4, 2015 2:33 PM

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Posted by Norm48327 on Wednesday, November 4, 2015 3:18 PM

wanswheel

 

Your point was?????

Norm


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Posted by Paul of Covington on Wednesday, November 4, 2015 4:40 PM

   I dunno.   He's laughable enough without having to piece this together.

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Posted by wanswheel on Wednesday, November 4, 2015 8:03 PM
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Posted by rrnut282 on Friday, November 6, 2015 1:30 PM

And why (or how) is this funny?

Mike (2-8-2)
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Posted by Murphy Siding on Friday, November 6, 2015 3:37 PM

     We're coming into what we probably all believe to be another ugly, year long, presidential election.  We'll be bombarded with campaign commercials 24/7, and as always the sh.....tuff will fly.  What say we all just decide to leave all the election stuff on other forums and try to keep it focused on trains on this one?

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Posted by tree68 on Friday, November 6, 2015 8:34 PM

Murphy Siding

     We're coming into what we probably all believe to be another ugly, year long, presidential election.  We'll be bombarded with campaign commercials 24/7, and as always the sh.....tuff will fly.  What say we all just decide to leave all the election stuff on other forums and try to keep it focused on trains on this one?

That's pretty much how it's supposed to be anyhow.  While some topics can have a political angle (PTC), in general, politics has always been off-limits.

A little reminder every now and then doesn't hurt.

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Saturday, November 14, 2015 11:49 PM

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Saturday, December 5, 2015 8:58 AM

    A little real-life, occupational humor-

     I manage a  lumberyard.  We purchase steel for covering agricultural buildings from a steel rolling plant on a Hutterite Colony.  Hutterites are similar to the Amish in a lot of ways.  They live communaly on farm colonies.  They are of german decent, in fact german is their main language, english is their second language.  The men all have black beards, and wear plaid shirts with black pants, suspenders and hats.  The woman all wear long, patterned dresses, white stockings, black shoes, and little skullcaps with their hair in a bun.Over the last couple of decades, they've expanded their operations into light industry on the colonies, usually agriculture related like the steel.

     The Hutterites are honest, hardworking people and good to work with.  They are, however, of a different culture and sometimes that gets interesting.  They don't always communicate on the same level we do, and they are sparse of words.

     So, I got a call yesterday from Clarence at the steel plant.  He's an older gentleman, mid-sixties, with a thick, thick german accent.  I answered the phone.
He said "Is dis Norris?" 
I said "yes".
In his thick german accent he said "Oh God!  I woke up in da middle of da night and I was tinking of you!"
Surprise

     'Turns out he had quoted me some pricing that was in error, and it woke him up in the middle of the night worrying about it.

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Posted by gardendance on Saturday, December 5, 2015 2:47 PM

Was he worried he quoted you a price too high or too low?

Patrick Boylan

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Posted by 54light15 on Saturday, December 5, 2015 5:48 PM

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "what is this, a joke?"

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Posted by tree68 on Saturday, December 5, 2015 9:36 PM

Murphy Siding
'Turns out he had quoted me some pricing that was in error, and it woke him up in the middle of the night worrying about it.

I once took a college course in business communications.  The professor shared with us a letter he had gotten from a store owner of recent European descent.

The prof had gone to the store with a complaint of some sort (I forget what it was), but the owner wasn't there.

The store owner sent the prof a letter of apology which began "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you had your upset..."

LarryWhistling
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Posted by Murphy Siding on Saturday, December 5, 2015 11:21 PM

gardendance

Was he worried he quoted you a price too high or too low?

 

Too low naturally.

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Sunday, December 6, 2015 12:19 PM

Murphy Siding
[snipped - PDN] . . . The men all have black beards, and wear plaid shirts with black pants, suspenders and hats. . . ."

Oh, that must be the difference, then - the shirts of the ones around here are white !

- Paul North. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by CNW 6000 on Wednesday, December 9, 2015 1:54 PM

What kind of shorts do clouds put on?

Thunderwear

Dan

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Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, December 9, 2015 3:52 PM

Paul_D_North_Jr
 
Murphy Siding
[snipped - PDN] . . . The men all have black beards, and wear plaid shirts with black pants, suspenders and hats. . . ."

 Oh, that must be the difference, then - the shirts of the ones around are white !

 - Paul North.

Pretty fancy stuff, there.  Those around here wear black, and blue shirts for special occasions (like church).  

LarryWhistling
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Posted by gardendance on Wednesday, December 9, 2015 4:12 PM

Pronouns hang out in places you'd never see a proper noun.

Patrick Boylan

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Posted by NKP guy on Wednesday, December 9, 2015 4:14 PM

A wet American tourist visiting an Irish coastal town on a dreary day asks a local lad, "Tell me, does it rain here every day?"  The lad replies, "And how should I know?  I'm only 13."

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Wednesday, December 9, 2015 4:20 PM

tree68
 
Paul_D_North_Jr
 
Murphy Siding
[snipped - PDN] . . . The men all have black beards, and wear plaid shirts with black pants, suspenders and hats. . . ."

 Oh, that must be the difference, then - the shirts of the ones around are white !

 - Paul North.

 

 

Pretty fancy stuff, there.  Those around here wear black, and blue shirts for special occasions (like church).  

 

  If they wore stiped shirts they could sing barbershop quartet.

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Friday, May 20, 2016 4:49 PM

   I remember cracking up when seeing this many years ago, and recently came across it on line.   These are statements from actual accident reports.

http://carhumor.net/funny-car-accident-reports/#

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NDG
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Posted by NDG on Wednesday, June 1, 2016 5:01 PM

 

Here is one from 50 years ago.

An old Passenger Conductor pulls the pin in life and goes to Heaven.

An Angel meets him at the Pearly Gates and checks over his Dossier.

All is correct, and they enter Heaven.

Over on the right the Conductor sees another Old Timer wearing black sleeve protectors, a green eyeshade and spectacles with a spit cup telephone transmitter around his neck leaning over a Trainsheet using a nib pen and an ink well to issue Train Orders over the Wire.

The Conductor asked "What in H is he doing?"

The Angel answered. " Thats God and thinks he's a Train Dispatcher."


Hmmmm.

Thank You.

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Posted by wanswheel on Sunday, August 14, 2016 12:14 PM

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Posted by Firelock76 on Sunday, August 14, 2016 12:33 PM

Great story about Thomas Edison, got this one from one of the curators of the Edison Museum in Fort Myers, FL.

Henry Ford and Edison were great friends, Ford sending Edison a new car every few years.  One year Ford sent a brand new Model A, and then wired Edison he'd be in town on a certain date, and could Tom pick him up at the station.

Comes the day Ford arrives, and Edison shows up, not in the Model A, but an old Model T.  "Where's the new car I sent you?"  asks Ford.  "Don't like it," said Edison, "I prefer the Model T."  "What for?" asks Ford.  Edison answered "The T's less trouble, I don't have to roll down a window when I want to spit tobacco!"

Both cars are still there at the Edison house in Fort Myers, and they both still run!

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Posted by Dakguy201 on Thursday, August 18, 2016 8:26 AM
Q:  What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the train?

A:   He waits at the next station.
RME
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Posted by RME on Thursday, August 18, 2016 9:14 AM

Q.  What did Chris Kyle do when he missed the train?

A.  Adjusted windage and holdover, and took another shot.

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Posted by tree68 on Thursday, August 18, 2016 1:36 PM

Firelock76
Both cars are still there at the Edison house in Fort Myers, and they both still run!

Edison's Menlo Park Laboratory was moved, complete with the dump, to Greenfield Village (part of the Henry Ford) in Dearborn, MI.  I've been there several times.

LarryWhistling
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Posted by blue streak 1 on Thursday, August 18, 2016 5:26 PM

You have to wonder if Edison had not put his eggs in the DC current basket how much he could have dominated the electric industry ?

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