The new and (not very) improved humor thread

87318 views
660 replies
1 rating 2 rating 3 rating 4 rating 5 rating
  • Member since
    May, 2003
  • From: US
  • 12,534 posts
Posted by BaltACD on Friday, May 05, 2017 10:10 PM

ChuckCobleigh
BaltACD

So Gracie was a trailblazer for future candidates like Pat Paulson.  Whoda thunk?

The joke of the era was that a woman would become involved in politics - at any level. be it Gracie or any other woman.

Subsequently we have had our Pat Paulson's, Dan Gurney and other faux campaigns.  A faux campaign for George Bruns would have been similar.

         

Never too old to have a happy childhood!

  • Member since
    June, 2001
  • From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois
  • 12,947 posts
Posted by CShaveRR on Friday, May 05, 2017 10:32 PM

If I remember correctly, Gracie was a candidate for the Surprise Party.

Pat Paulsen was the candidate for the Straight Talk in American Government (S.T.A.G.) Party.

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

  • Member since
    November, 2005
  • 3,948 posts
Posted by wanswheel on Friday, May 05, 2017 10:54 PM

  • Member since
    October, 2006
  • From: Allentown, PA
  • 9,181 posts
Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Saturday, May 06, 2017 9:12 AM

From 1940.  I like the UP ad above - "go via the famous Road of the Streamliners and the Challengers" ! 

You might not want to read the list in the Dr. I. Q. ad too closely . . . Whistling 

- PDN. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
  • Member since
    July, 2006
  • 788 posts
Posted by NKP guy on Saturday, May 06, 2017 10:28 AM

   One afternoon little Alex was in the church, looking at a large marble plaque on the wall that had a list of names with a small flag beside each one.  

   The pastor, upon entering the church and seeing Alex, walked over to the lad and gently placed his hand on his shoulder.  "Good morning, Alex."  "Good morning, pastor.  I was just looking at this.  What is it?"  The pastor replied, "Why, Alex, that's a memorial honoring all the people of the parish who died in the service."

   Suddenly trembling with fear, Alex asked, " Oh, my gosh! Which one?  The 8:30 or the 11:00?"

  • Member since
    December, 2001
  • From: Sunny (mostly) San Diego
  • 1,506 posts
Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Saturday, May 06, 2017 1:55 PM

CShaveRR
Pat Paulsen was the candidate for the Straight Talk in American Government (S.T.A.G.) Party.

And who can forget his exhortation at the end of one of his campaign speeches: "I've upped my standards, America; now up yours!"

  • Member since
    December, 2001
  • From: Sunny (mostly) San Diego
  • 1,506 posts
Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Saturday, May 13, 2017 6:10 PM

Over on the Race to Promontory thread, I mentioned Roy Rogers and Dale Evans, which now brings to mind a story I once heard.

Apparently Roy left his new boots out on the porch of the ranch house overnight and came out to find that they had been chewed to pieces.  It was clear that a puma had done the damage by the size and pattern of the tooth marks on the remains.  He was beside himself with fury and seeing this, Dale said not to worry, she would take care of it and he should just wait on the porch.

She set out on Buttermilk and was gone for a while.  Roy was still sitting on the porch a while later when he heard singing and saw Dale riding up on Buttermilk with the offending puma draped across her saddle, dead, while she was holding a guitar and singing, "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

  • Member since
    August, 2005
  • From: At the Crossroads of the West
  • 8,505 posts
Posted by Deggesty on Saturday, May 13, 2017 7:51 PM

There was a man who enjoyed playing his piano at home until he realized that it badly needed to be tuned. He looked for a tuner's advertisement--and found one that had been placed by a man named Oppornockity. He called Mr. Oppornockity--and was told that his piano could be tuned that very day. When the tuner arrived, he proceeded to sit down at the piano--and began playing various songs. When he stopped playing, the piano was in perfect tune, and the man was delighted to know that no notes would be sour.

Some time later, his piano again needed tuning, and he called Mr. Opporknockity again--and was told, "I am sorry, but Oppornockity tunes but once."

Johnny

  • Member since
    September, 2013
  • 1,849 posts
Posted by Miningman on Saturday, May 13, 2017 8:17 PM

Finally!, A funny joke.

RME
  • Member since
    March, 2016
  • 2,073 posts
Posted by RME on Saturday, May 13, 2017 8:21 PM

Deggesty
He looked for a tuner's advertisement--and found one that had been placed by a man named Oppornockity.

You could have stopped right there -- the punchline is already on the telegram.

Like when you tell the joke about the intoxicating beer slipped to the opposing baseball team's pitcher, and you get to his name, Milfamey.  The groaning starts there, not waiting for 'the rest of the story'...

  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 5,787 posts
Posted by zardoz on Sunday, May 14, 2017 2:07 AM

Miningman

Finally!, A funny joke.

 

OK, here's another one: A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"

  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 5,787 posts
Posted by zardoz on Sunday, May 14, 2017 2:09 AM

In honor of Mother's Day:

 

Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:

Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.

Son: Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. Now I have to call everyone back.

-------------------------------------------------

Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?

Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.

Mom: OK, I'll ask your sister.

 ===============================

“Why doesn’t your mother like me?” a woman asks her boyfriend.

“Don’t take it personally,” he assures her. “She’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. I once dated someone exactly like her, and that didn’t work out at all.”

“What happened?”

“My father couldn’t stand her.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My wife, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing. The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase. Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive: "Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she lets him have it. "What are you complaining about?" he fires back.

"You still haven’t used the present I gave you last year."

#################################

 

  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 5,787 posts
Posted by zardoz on Sunday, May 14, 2017 2:24 AM
I’ve been working on my PhD 
in engineering for the past five years, but my kids don’t necessarily see that as work. As we were driving past Walmart one day, my son spotted a Now Hiring sign and suggested that I could get 
a job there. Hoping to make a point, I asked, “Do you think they’re looking for an engineer?” “Oh, sure,” he said. “They’ll hire anybody.”
  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 5,787 posts
Posted by zardoz on Sunday, May 14, 2017 2:32 AM

I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. 
I told her I didn’t. As I left a few minutes later, she yelled after me, “I hope you get the sex you want!” ------------------------------------------------------

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, 
I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

------------------------------------------------

We had just finished tucking our five kids into bed when three-year-old Billy began to wail. Turns out, he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he had in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Billy’s ear. Billy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from my husband’s hand, swallowed it, and demanded, “Do it again!”

""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""

Two babies are sitting in their cribs, when one baby asks the other, “Are you a little girl or a little boy?”

The other baby shrugs. “I don’t know how to tell the difference.”

“I do,” says the first baby. He carefully climbs out of his crib and into the other crib, then disappears beneath the blankets. After a few 
seconds, he resurfaces.

“You’re a little girl, and I’m a little boy,” he says.

“How can you tell?”

“Easy. You’ve got pink booties, and I’ve got blue ones.”

``````````````````````````````````````````````````

  • Member since
    April, 2016
  • 465 posts
Posted by Shadow the Cats owner on Sunday, May 14, 2017 10:10 AM

This is one of my drivers told me Friday.  He get's pulled into the scalehouse for an inspection.  He had a headache prior to getting pulled into the scale so after stopping he reached above his head and pulled out his bottle of tylonel and took one.  DOT inspector saw it comes running up and goes did I just see you take some dope in front of me.  My driver without missing a beat and with a straight face goes NOPE I just took a Birth Control Pill since I knew I was screwed when I got in here anyway might as well make sure I don't get pregant in the process.  

 

DOT officer starts laughing and told him to get out of there.  

  • Member since
    December, 2008
  • From: Toronto, Canada
  • 1,028 posts
Posted by 54light15 on Sunday, May 14, 2017 2:06 PM

Not to get serious about Pat Paulsen, but he was asked during his joke campaign, "What would you do about Viet Nam?" He said, 'I would take it to the U.N. and say, if you can't solve this, you have no right to exist." Makes sense. 

  • Member since
    September, 2013
  • 1,849 posts
Posted by Miningman on Sunday, May 14, 2017 3:11 PM

Can't believe I'm on this thread but here it goes:

So..Sherlock Holmes and the every trusty Watson are on a case that requires them to camp overnight outside.

They have their campfire and meal, enjoy a pipe smoke and soon retire off to bed.

In the middle of the night Sherlock wakes up Watson and says...."Watson, look up and tell me what you see"

Watson replies " Ahhh...I see many many stars, billions I'm told, and that's just what we can see. I surmise that there are many many planets around these stars and if just one of them has life on it then we are not alone in the universe"

To which Sherlock replies " No you idiot, someone stole our tent"

  • Member since
    December, 2007
  • From: Georgia USA SW of Atlanta
  • 8,272 posts
Posted by blue streak 1 on Thursday, May 25, 2017 7:48 PM

This a repeat ?

Invisible man married invisible woman.  Turned out their children not anything to look at .

  • Member since
    August, 2005
  • From: At the Crossroads of the West
  • 8,505 posts
Posted by Deggesty on Thursday, May 25, 2017 8:16 PM

"Let me see," said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Johnny

  • Member since
    May, 2003
  • From: US
  • 12,534 posts
Posted by BaltACD on Tuesday, May 30, 2017 9:03 AM

         

Never too old to have a happy childhood!

  • Member since
    August, 2005
  • From: At the Crossroads of the West
  • 8,505 posts
Posted by Deggesty on Tuesday, May 30, 2017 10:19 AM

BaltACD

 

I hope that bug is ready to jump off the track when a train appears.

Johnny

  • Member since
    May, 2005
  • From: S.E. South Dakota
  • 11,395 posts
Posted by Murphy Siding on Tuesday, May 30, 2017 11:23 AM

'Looks to me that if the driver quickly threw his weight left or right he'd be on the side of the tracks in the wink of an eye.  Of course, there would be that other little issue needing some immediate attention: "Help- I've fallen and I can't get up!".

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

  • Member since
    July, 2010
  • From: Louisiana
  • 1,395 posts
Posted by Paul of Covington on Tuesday, May 30, 2017 12:49 PM

   Where on earth is that?   It looks like an Isetta on narrow gauge track.

_____________

   My mind's made up.   Don't confuse me with the facts.

  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 5,787 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, May 31, 2017 3:28 PM

quote user="Deggesty"]

 

 
BaltACD

 

 

 

I hope that bug is ready to jump off the track when a train appears.

 

 

[/quote]And stays off this track:

   Rails to Nowhere by Jim, on Flickr" alt="" />

 

  • Member since
    July, 2010
  • From: Louisiana
  • 1,395 posts
Posted by Paul of Covington on Monday, June 05, 2017 5:23 PM

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside
of New York City, New York archaeologists found traces
of copper cable dating back 150 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that
followed, a Los Angeles archaeologist dug to a depth of
20 feet just outside Oceanside, California. Shortly
thereafter, a story appeared in the LA Times that read:
California archaeologists report the finding of a 200
year old copper cable and have concluded that their
ancestors had an advanced high-tech communication network
50 years earlier than the New Yorkers.

One week later, a newspaper in Louisiana reported the
following:  After digging down about 30 feet in his
pasture outside Thibodaux, Louisiana, Boudreaux, a self
taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Boudreaux therefore concluded that 300 years
ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless.

_____________

   My mind's made up.   Don't confuse me with the facts.

  • Member since
    August, 2005
  • From: At the Crossroads of the West
  • 8,505 posts
Posted by Deggesty on Monday, June 05, 2017 7:44 PM

Paul of Covington

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year outside
of New York City, New York archaeologists found traces
of copper cable dating back 150 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone
network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that
followed, a Los Angeles archaeologist dug to a depth of
20 feet just outside Oceanside, California. Shortly
thereafter, a story appeared in the LA Times that read:
California archaeologists report the finding of a 200
year old copper cable and have concluded that their
ancestors had an advanced high-tech communication network
50 years earlier than the New Yorkers.

One week later, a newspaper in Louisiana reported the
following:  After digging down about 30 feet in his
pasture outside Thibodaux, Louisiana, Boudreaux, a self
taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely
nothing. Boudreaux therefore concluded that 300 years
ago, Louisiana had already gone wireless.

 

Laugh

Paul, you certainly took me unaware.

As an act of kindness, you could have told us how to pronounce the name  of M. Boudreaux's home. I learned that in 1951 when my oldest brother, who lived in Baton Rouge, was taking me and and youngest brother down to Houma to visit our great uncle (retired) who had overseen the growing of the cane on a plantation there.

Johnny

  • Member since
    July, 2010
  • From: Louisiana
  • 1,395 posts
Posted by Paul of Covington on Tuesday, June 06, 2017 12:41 AM

   Tibbuhdoe

   When it comes to pronouncing Louisiana french names, there is just one basic rule--it's not how it looks.

    And when it comes to Boudreaux's conclusion, he was right.   We were wireless back then.   Kinda like cordless screwdrivers.

_____________

   My mind's made up.   Don't confuse me with the facts.

  • Member since
    December, 2001
  • From: Northern New York
  • 17,347 posts
Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, June 06, 2017 6:53 AM

Paul of Covington
When it comes to pronouncing Louisiana french names, there is just one basic rule--it's not how it looks.

One advantage of living in an area with a fair French presence is being able to pronounce the words...  

Not far from here is a town named after James Leray de Chaumont.  Some would be tempted to say "CHOW mont."  It's sha MOH.

Of course, we have a lot of Native American names as well, which are sometimes a challenge.

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

RME
  • Member since
    March, 2016
  • 2,073 posts
Posted by RME on Tuesday, June 06, 2017 7:48 AM

tree68
Not far from here is a town named after James LeRay de Chaumont. Some would be tempted to say "CHOW mont." It's sha MOH.

Which is even stranger when you consider the French pronunciation ought to be much closer to "show-mon(g)."  Still more interesting, of course, is why it's "James" and not "Jacques".

The problem may come in when, whether or not there was a fair French presence at one time, it may have gone native, or to Louisiana, and we wind up with things like "Ver-SALES" Kentucky or the inimitable "CAL-lus" Maine. 

(I remember my parents trying to find the ferry from St. Stephen (which you can only easily get to via Calais) to Newfoundland, in 1968, by asking locals, none of whom seemed to know where 'Cal-lay' might be.  Maine being Maine, perhaps, they had to ask several before one volunteered "Oh, ya want Callus, back that way.")

For MUCH more fun, examine names with more than one actual French word in them, like "Havre de Grace"...

Join our Community!

Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.

Newsletter Sign-Up

By signing up you may also receive occasional reader surveys and special offers from Trains magazine.Please view our privacy policy

Search the Community