THE magazine of railroading

SEARCH TRAINSMAG.COM

Enter keywords or a search phrase below:

The new and (not very) improved humor thread

65871 views
496 replies
1 rating 2 rating 3 rating 4 rating 5 rating
  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 5,595 posts
The new and (not very) improved humor thread
Posted by zardoz on Saturday, February 28, 2009 8:46 PM

I was just made aware (thanks MurphySiding) that the (in)famous "Would you believe...a little humor" thread has been, after all these years, locked.

So, in an effort to continue this almost-tradition, I hereby present its replacement:

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

I once heard a story about a railroad crew that befriended a monkey named Bobo. Where the monkey came from is not known.

The railroaders would play with Bobo and feed him and really treat him nice. In fact, they taught the monkey to give hand signals and pull pins; soon he was able to read a switch list.  Eventually they even taught him to run the engine. Soon Bobo got to be so good at it that the guys would let the monkey do their work while they went fishing.

One day the Trainmaster caught the guys fishing while Bobo was doing the work. All of the railroaders got fired on the spot. A couple of months later the railroaders got a letter from the company. It was a great flowery piece and reinstated all of the railroaders to their former positions with all back pay.

It was signed by Trainmaster Bobo.

 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

An elderly lady walked into a Toronto ticket office and asked for a ticket to New York. " Do you want to go by Buffalo?" inquired the ticket agent. "Certainly not!" she answered indignantly, " I want to go by TRAIN!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A rookie brakeman is out, late one night, on his first trip. The head brakeman tells him to set the brakes on a car, so he puts his lantern on the ground and climbs to the top of the car. "Hey," yells the head brakie, "what's the matter with you! You don't ever leave your lamp sitting on the ground," and he tosses the lantern up to the rookie.

Meanwhile, the engineer and the fireman are sitting in the nice, warm engine cab 30 cars away. The fireman calls the hogger over.  "You'll never believe what I just saw," he says. "That new brakeman stood flat footed on the ground, jumped straight up to the top of that boxcar; he even had his lantern with him!"

  • Member since
    August, 2005
  • From: Near the Crossroads of the West
  • 5,466 posts
Posted by Deggesty on Saturday, February 28, 2009 9:41 PM

Zardoz, how can you improve on the old thread?

At one time, the Erie Railroad was quite the butt of jokes because of its poor timekeeping. Two follow.

It was during a very tedious ride on the "Erie," and the passengers, tired, dirty and thirsty, all berated the company with the exception of one man. His fellow passeners commented on this, and asked why he did not denounce the compnay, too. "It would hardly be fair," he replied, "as I am traveling on a pass; but if they don't do better pretty soon, blame me if I don't go out and buy a ticket and join you."

A patriarch, who presented a half ticket for a ride between Suffern and Jersey City, was informed that he must pay full fare. He replied: "When I purchased the ticket before boarding this train I was entitled to the half-fare rate."

Johnny

Johnny

  • Member since
    August, 2005
  • 445 posts
Posted by Kootenay Central on Saturday, February 28, 2009 10:12 PM

.

  • Member since
    May, 2005
  • From: S.E. South Dakota
  • 9,529 posts
Posted by Murphy Siding on Saturday, February 28, 2009 10:34 PM

     Not a train story, but a true story:  When our oldest son was about 3, my wife had a bible study class that met at our house once a week.  That gave my son and I a chance to have a father-son night out.  We had gone to a Pizza Ranch for dinner .  At the pizza place, we were playing with my son's little, plastic tow truck, and having a good time.  At some point, the hook broke off the plastic tow truck, and Mr. 3 year old started to fret.  I did the dad thing, and told him we would fix it, or some other such thing.

     As we were standing at the cash register paying for our dinner, there was a large group of people waiting to be seated.  My son eagerly asked where we were going next.  I casually replied that we were going home.  Upon hearing that, he had a total melt-down, and screamed at the top of his lungs: "But DADDY!!!  YOU said we were  GOING  to  GET  a   HOOKER!!! Shock

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar. Otherwise I, too would be in the Lego Witness Protection Program

  • Member since
    December, 2001
  • From: Smoggy L.A.
  • 10,361 posts
Posted by vsmith on Saturday, February 28, 2009 10:45 PM

Well at 547 pages I'm kinda not surprised it got locked.

Cool Now I get to recycle all my stupid jokes. starting with...

Arkansas Vasectomy:

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... :O

 

  Have fun with your trains

  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 5,595 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, March 02, 2009 8:12 PM

Office dictionary entry: 

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing who's to blame for a missed deadline or a failed project.

======================================================================

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

  • Member since
    December, 2005
  • From: MP 175.1 CN Neenah Sub
  • 4,894 posts
Posted by CNW 6000 on Tuesday, March 03, 2009 12:17 AM

A man is getting changed in the locker room at his Gym after a workout.  The cell phone on the bench next to him rings so he answers it.
"Hello?"
"Hi Honey, guess what?" the woman who called asks.  "The fur coat I've had my eye on for some time now is on sale.  Would you mind if I picked it up"
"Not at all" he says.
"Also," she continues on "that Cadillac salesman called back.  The one we looked at the other day will finally be in.  Should I get it or are you still looking around?"
"Nope, let's splurge. Grab it!" he enthusiastically says.
"One last thing..." she paused "remember that beach house with the big porch we both adored?  Well it's back on the market but this time for $1.5M.  What do you want to do?"
He pauses and replies "Put in an offer at $1.4M and we'll see what happens!"
She shrieks with delight and hangs up and so does he, smiling.

He turns and looks at the now folded cell phone in his hand, holds it up and asks:
"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Dan

  • Member since
    March, 2003
  • From: US
  • 733 posts
Posted by Bob-Fryml on Tuesday, March 03, 2009 5:06 PM

Omaha, Nebr. - Tuesday, 3 March 2009.

Lee Barnett, a.k.a. "The Bullet," an acquaintance of mine who once worked as a hoghead out of Oakland, told me that the Southern Pacific Operating Rules book defined a train as "An engine, or more than one engine, with or without cars displaying markers."  Espee also had a definition for the old man riding the caboose cushions:  "A conductor is a brakeman, with or without brains, displaying pencils."

"I was sad when I did go
   From the land of Phoebe Snow.
      My eyes did burn and my head was light
         From smoking too much anthricite!"

   

  • Member since
    July, 2006
  • From: Aledo IL
  • 1,728 posts
Posted by spokyone on Tuesday, March 03, 2009 6:15 PM

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.  Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.  At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."  "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."  "Wow!  That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.  "Good," she replies.  "Get your own *** blanket." 

  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 5,595 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 9:47 AM

At the Zoo with Dad

Dad was out of town working one weekend.  On Sunday, the mom decided to take her son to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.

"That's an elephant", the mother said.

After the child repeated after her, he asked, "Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The mother replied, "That's his trunk, sweetheart."

"No, no", said the child, "Behind that!"

"Oh, that's his tail", she said.

"No, no!" the boy exclaimed. "That thing in the middle!"

The woman was flustered and replied, "Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!" And they moved on.....

The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, "Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!"

The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, "Elephant!"

"Very GOOD", beamed the father. "I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!"

The boy asked, "Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?"

The father replied, "That's his trunk."

"No!", the boy moaned, "Behind that!"

"That's his tail", the father replied.

"No, no! That thing in the middle!"

The father stammered, "Er...what did your mother say it was?"

"She said it was nothing!"

"Well", the man said, puffing out his chest. "Your mother's spoiled!"

Whistling

  • Member since
    August, 2005
  • From: Near the Crossroads of the West
  • 5,466 posts
Posted by Deggesty on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 12:31 PM

Some more (very old) tales told by men on their way to or from work; this time on the Long Island.

Man from Douglaston tells how he didn't mind the night when the vestibule door came off in his hands. He jsut set it against the wall out of the way and got off. He did mind, though, the night the door wouldn't open at all and the train went wheep-wheep and got under way while he was struggling with it. He hiked it back from Little Neck. [0.6 miles east]

Man from Baldwin (change at Jamaica) says that's interesting, and take his case, for example. He thinks the engineer on his train either has had an unhappy love affair in Baldwin or owes money there. Anyway, he frequently skips the stop. The Baldwin man gets off at Freeport. [1.1 miles east]

Man from Ozone Park (change at Woodside) says he never had that happen to him, but his wife gets upset sometimes when his evening train is lost. Quite a mess of spurs and loops and crossovers and causeways out around the Rockaways, and sometimes the motorman has to get down and ask the shanty man where he is.

(With apologies to A Treasury of Railroad Folklore for adding the distances for the benifit of us poor people not fortunate enough to live on Long Island)

Johnny

Johnny

  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Rock Springs Wy.
  • 1,964 posts
Posted by miniwyo on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 12:44 PM
A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big" everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience? The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in 
Mississippi ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.  I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.  "How many customers bought something from you today?  The kid says, "one".

 

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"  The kid says "$121,237.65".  

 

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the hell did you sell?"  

 

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he  said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.  Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4  Expedition."

 

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"  The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

RJ

"Something hidden, Go and find it. Go and look behind the ranges, Something lost behind the ranges. Lost and waiting for you. Go." The Explorers - Rudyard Kipling

http://sweetwater-photography.com/

  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 5,595 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 4:41 PM
Loud Train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

 
  • Member since
    January, 2009
  • From: Norfolk Southern Lafayette District
  • 1,642 posts
Posted by bubbajustin on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 4:54 PM

Very very very funny. I will favor this post. Good clean fun, not mutch of that anymore! Enjoyed the Bobo post!

The road to to success is always under construction. _____________________________________________________________________________ When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.

  • Member since
    January, 2009
  • From: Norfolk Southern Lafayette District
  • 1,642 posts
Posted by bubbajustin on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 5:19 PM

There was two people who were going possum hunting. Theay had their guns drewn looking for a possum. Then one of the people saw a 102 express fright train. So he grabbed his lantrn snd waved like mad at the train. SCREEEEEEECH! the train ground to a hualt. The engineer said "what kid of emergancy do we have here?" The guy said "I wanted to see if you wanted to but a possum?" The engineer said "you mean to tell me that you have stopped this 102 car express freight train to ask me if I wanted to buy a possum?" The guy said "yep" the engineer replied  "well seeins how I like possum I'm going to buy one off of you! How mutch do you wat?" "$50" Ok here it is "Thank's Mr. engineer." The engineer said where's the possum? OH WE AIN'T SHOT E'M YET WE JUST WANTED TO SEE IF YOU WANTED TO BUT ONE OFF OF US!!! He He He!!Laugh

The road to to success is always under construction. _____________________________________________________________________________ When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.

  • Member since
    November, 2007
  • 2,989 posts
Posted by Railway Man on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 5:23 PM

Bob-Fryml

Omaha, Nebr. - Tuesday, 3 March 2009.

Lee Barnett, a.k.a. "The Bullet," an acquaintance of mine who once worked as a hoghead out of Oakland, told me that the Southern Pacific Operating Rules book defined a train as "An engine, or more than one engine, with or without cars displaying markers."  Espee also had a definition for the old man riding the caboose cushions:  "A conductor is a brakeman, with or without brains, displaying pencils."

 

Reminds me of when I was a trick dispatcher many years ago and I was arguing with an old-head conductor about how we handled his local.  He won it by exclaiming, "RWM, you're just like a hoghead: Always trying to think."

RWM

  • Member since
    July, 2003
  • From: Elmwood Park, NJ
  • 2,385 posts
Posted by trainfan1221 on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 5:35 PM

Here is a fast one..

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the Bartender says "Okay, i'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Rock Springs Wy.
  • 1,964 posts
Posted by miniwyo on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 9:00 PM

trainfan1221

Here is a fast one..

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the Bartender says "Okay, i'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

 

 

*groan*

RJ

"Something hidden, Go and find it. Go and look behind the ranges, Something lost behind the ranges. Lost and waiting for you. Go." The Explorers - Rudyard Kipling

http://sweetwater-photography.com/

  • Member since
    December, 2001
  • From: Smoggy L.A.
  • 10,361 posts
Posted by vsmith on Wednesday, March 04, 2009 10:22 PM

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

  Have fun with your trains

  • Member since
    February, 2005
  • From: hillbilly hide away and campground C, M-ville,ILL
  • 2,078 posts
Posted by inch53 on Thursday, March 05, 2009 4:52 AM

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

http://www.trainboard.com/railimages/showgallery.php/cat/500/ppuser/4309

DISCLAIMER-- This post does not clam anything posted here as fact or truth, but it may be just plain funny
  • Member since
    December, 2005
  • From: MP 175.1 CN Neenah Sub
  • 4,894 posts
Posted by CNW 6000 on Thursday, March 05, 2009 6:26 AM

A man was at his local store buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for his pet.  In the checkout line, with the bag under his arm, a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

Wanting to have a little fun he puts her on.  On an impulse he told her that no, he didn't have a dog, but was starting the Purina Diet again.  He added that he probably shouldn't, because the last time he was on it he ended up in the hospital, but not before he lost 60 pounds & later awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and he was going to try it again.  By this point practically everyone in line was now caught up in his tale.

Horrified, she asked if he ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned him.  Deadpan, he told her no, that he stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit them both.

Dan

  • Member since
    December, 2005
  • From: MP 175.1 CN Neenah Sub
  • 4,894 posts
Posted by CNW 6000 on Thursday, March 05, 2009 6:30 AM

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. . . . . . .
 65 above zero:
 Floridians turn on the heat.
 People in Wisconsin plant gardens.


 60 above zero:
 Californians shiver uncontrollably.
 People in Wisconsin sunbathe.


 50 above zero:
 Italian & English cars won't start.
 People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.


 40 above zero:
 Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
 People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.


 35 above zero:
 New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
 People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.


 20 above Zero
 People in Miami all die.
 Wisconsinites close the windows.

 Zero:
 Californians fly away to Mexico .
 People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.


 10 below zero:
 Hollywood disintegrates.
 The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.


 20 below zero:
 Washington DC runs out of hot air.
 People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.


 30 below zero:
 Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
 Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the Snow-mobile.


 40 below zero:
 ALL atomic motion stops.
 People in Wisconsin start saying...'Cold enough for you?'


 50 below zero:
 Hell freezes over.
 Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late

Dan

  • Member since
    August, 2003
  • From: Bottom Left Corner, USA
  • 3,420 posts
Posted by dharmon on Thursday, March 05, 2009 9:03 AM

So the Pope died and arrived at the Pearly Gates after hours.  No one was around except a sleeping security guard.  He woke up the guard, told him that he was the Pope here to check in and then asked where St Peter was.  The guard told him they were expecting him, but it was after hours.  He then told him to grab his bags and follow him to temporary quarters for the night.  The Pope followed, a little taken back that the guard didn't offer to carry his bags for him and that although it was after hours no one was there to meet him....he was the Pope after all. 

They arrived at the temporary quarters which were spartan.  The guard told the Pope to come back first thing in the morning, and he'd get him in at the front of the line.  So the Pope sat on the bed for a few minutes until he heard some loud music and commotion.  He followed the noise down to the lounge and there seemed to be a party going on.  A bunch of people where there....St Pete and alot of the heavies as well as quite a few hottie girl angels.....and all attention was focused on this one guy in a pilot suit telling a story.  There was alot of laughing and carrying on.   The Pope goes to the bar and the bartender asks what he'll have.  The pope thinks a second and asks the bartender for a glass of wine.  When the bartender come back with his drink the Pope asks...."I'm a little confused.  I've spent my whole life dedicated to the church.  I don't want to sound overly proud or conceited, but I thought I was kind of important. But I get here and all the attention seems to be focused on that guy.  What gives?"

The bartender, wipes down the bar and leans over, " You are special, your holiness.  On any other day it would be different.  But really we get priests, cardinals and popes here all the time.  This is the first time we've had a naval aviator here."  

 Dan

  • Member since
    July, 2006
  • From: Aledo IL
  • 1,728 posts
Posted by spokyone on Thursday, March 05, 2009 1:52 PM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
Withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4 Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8.. Insert card.
9 Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Mexico
  • 2,629 posts
Posted by egmurphy on Thursday, March 05, 2009 2:09 PM

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dyin'."

The Rail Images Page of Ed Murphy "If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay home." - James Michener
  • Member since
    January, 2003
  • From: Mexico
  • 2,629 posts
Posted by egmurphy on Thursday, March 05, 2009 2:12 PM
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be the best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.


The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last
shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'
The Rail Images Page of Ed Murphy "If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay home." - James Michener
  • Member since
    September, 2008
  • From: Geauga County Ohio
  • 519 posts
Posted by wrawroacx on Thursday, March 05, 2009 2:49 PM

There were these two men at home talking. The first man asked, "Have you heard the latest about the new CSX Engine coming out?" The second man replies, "No". Then the first man says, "Well it's not out yet".

Tom My Videos - http://www.youtube.com/user/MrWrawroacx
  • Member since
    July, 2006
  • From: Aledo IL
  • 1,728 posts
Posted by spokyone on Thursday, March 05, 2009 2:51 PM

EG Murphy

PRICELESS

  • Member since
    January, 2009
  • From: Norfolk Southern Lafayette District
  • 1,642 posts
Posted by bubbajustin on Thursday, March 05, 2009 4:47 PM

A small child and his mother walked into the doctors office. The small child was playing with a wet sticky pice of balogna. The doctor comes out and says to the small child, "why don't you make a doctor with that pice of balognia?" The child blandly replies "I don't have that mutch balognia..."

The road to to success is always under construction. _____________________________________________________________________________ When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.

  • Member since
    June, 2001
  • From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois
  • 11,995 posts
Posted by CShaveRR on Thursday, March 05, 2009 5:23 PM
trainfan1221

Here is a fast one..

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the Bartender says "Okay, i'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

Pat says the cable uses all its power for good.

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

Join our Community!

Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.

Trains free email newsletter
NEWS » PHOTOS » VIDEOS » HOT TOPICS & MORE
GET OUR WEEKLY NEWSLETTER DELIVERED TO YOUR INBOX
Connect with us
ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER

Loading...