The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, September 14, 2009 8:08 PM
bubbajustin

Suppose that you are driving down the road, and all the wheels fall off you canoe. Well, than how many seconds would it take for a bow-legged grasshopper to kick all the seeds out of a green tomato?

Answer: 32sec. There aren’t any bones in ice cream

Be careful, or you might ashtray your uncle.

 

And now for something completely different.....

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, September 14, 2009 8:10 PM

....ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ʎ1ǝʇǝ1dɯoɔ buıɥʇǝɯos ɹoɟ ʍou puɐ

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Posted by grampaw pettibone on Monday, September 14, 2009 8:13 PM

zardoz
....ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ʎ1ǝʇǝ1dɯoɔ buıɥʇǝɯos ɹoɟ ʍou puɐ

How you do dat? 

 

Tom

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A contentious woman is like a constant dripping! (Solomon)

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Monday, September 14, 2009 10:04 PM
bubbajustin

Suppose that you are driving down the road, and all the wheels fall off you canoe. Well, than how many seconds would it take for a bow-legged grasshopper to kick all the seeds out of a green tomato?

Answer: 32sec. There aren’t any bones in ice cream

   What is.....Netflix? Tongue

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by bubbajustin on Tuesday, September 15, 2009 4:20 PM
Murphy Siding
bubbajustin

Suppose that you are driving down the road, and all the wheels fall off you canoe. Well, than how many seconds would it take for a bow-legged grasshopper to kick all the seeds out of a green tomato?

Answer: 32sec. There aren’t any bones in ice cream

   What is.....Netflix? Tongue

What?ConfusedBlindfold

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Tuesday, September 15, 2009 4:55 PM
bubbajustin
Murphy Siding
bubbajustin

Suppose that you are driving down the road, and all the wheels fall off you canoe. Well, than how many seconds would it take for a bow-legged grasshopper to kick all the seeds out of a green tomato?

Answer: 32sec. There aren’t any bones in ice cream

   What is.....Netflix? Tongue

What?ConfusedBlindfold



    It reminded me of the Netflix radio commercials.  They're like a Jeopardy game, except the questions and answers are all random, and no correlation.

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by dmoore74 on Thursday, October 22, 2009 9:16 PM

A project that could only be done by people with WAY too much time on their hands.

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdUspvkKOmw

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Friday, October 23, 2009 8:13 AM

Laugh  But hey - what else are you gonna do while you're standing out there minding the you-know-what ?  Golf has already been invented . . . Whistling

Thanks for posting that.  I've seen the Border Collies work at a demonstration at Celtic Fest in Bethlehem.  I'll be they thought this was all great fun.

- Paul North.

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, October 27, 2009 7:48 AM

The "Cops Ticket Speeding Train" thread reminded me of this one (for the PC crowd, this is how I heard it.  Subsitute another group as needed):

An officer saw a carload of nuns creeping down the highway at 25 mph, well under the posted limit. 

When he asked why they were going so slowly, the nuns replied that they saw signs at the edge of the road that said "25". 

The officer pointed out that those were route signs, and that they were on state route 25.

"Oh," replied the driver.  "That would explain why Sister Mary Benedict was so nervous back on Highway 140..."

LarryWhistling
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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, October 27, 2009 11:08 AM

 The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air, before the doors slid shut.

     Seeing at him, another man said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."

     
The young man took a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train at the last station."

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, October 27, 2009 11:18 AM

A Tokyo commuter Katsuo K. [last name abbreviated] caused havoc on a crowded tube train when his inflatable underpants unexpectedly went off. The rubber underwear was made by Katsuo himself, and designed to inflate to 30 times their original size in the event of a tidal wave.

"I am terrified of water, and death by drowning is my greatest fear" said Katsuo, 48. Unfortunately he set them off accidentally while looking for a hard candy on a rush hour train. The swelling underpants began to crush everyone in the car to the walls until another passenger successfully stabbed them with a pencil.

=======================================================================

 
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob wllllantysiliogogogoch

(58 letters): A place in Gwynedd, Wales, famed for the length of its railroad tickets. It means "St. Mary's Church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool of the church of St. Tysilo near the Red Cave." The official name comprises the first 20 letters; the rest is thought to have been added as a hoax in the 19th century.

 

It is now many years since the last train stopped at the railway station with the longest name in Britain "Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-Llantysilio-gogogoch" in Anglesey. When a train stopped at the station the porter would cry out "Anybody in there for here?"

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Posted by BNSFwatcher on Tuesday, October 27, 2009 3:32 PM

Some of these are kind'a fun.  I especially like the one about the duck going into the bar.  If you are not amused, just hit the "enable e-mail" button or don't open the thread.  Duh!

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 18, 2009 3:15 PM

What Makes 100%?

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?  Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?  We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.  How about achieving 103%?What makes up 100% in life? 

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:  

If: 

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

 is represented as: 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. 

Then: 
 
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%    

and 

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% 

But, 

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E   is

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

And, 

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is 

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% 

AND, look how far @$$ kissing will take you. 

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% 

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and ***kissing that will put you over the top.

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 18, 2009 3:23 PM

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, “I’ll give each of you just one wish” “Me first! Me first!” says the admin. clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone. “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone. “OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

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Posted by RRCharlie on Friday, December 18, 2009 3:42 PM

And then there was the constipated mechanical engineer who worked out his problem with a slide rule!!!

Mel Hazen; Jax, FL Ride Amtrak. It's the only way to fly!!!

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Posted by spokyone on Monday, December 21, 2009 12:50 AM

Da Bears.

Posted on Facebook. My friend went to the game in Baltimore today. After the game at a local bar, he was bad-mouthing the Bears and Jay Cutler in particular. Jay was sitting at a nearby table. Then things got ugly. Jay stood up and threw a beer pitcher at my friend. However, a waitress intercepted it.

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Posted by Kootenay Central on Monday, December 21, 2009 3:11 PM

Whats the difference between Santa Claus and a famous golfer?

Santa stopped after three HOs.

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Posted by espeefoamer on Monday, December 21, 2009 7:36 PM

Santa's going to fill your stocking with coal for that one!Smile

Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool.
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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:11 AM

espeefoamer

Santa's going to fill your stocking with coal for that one!Smile

Will that be Powder River or Appalachian coal?
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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Tuesday, December 22, 2009 9:39 AM

zardoz

espeefoamer

Santa's going to fill your stocking with coal for that one!Smile

Will that be Powder River or Appalachian coal?

 

Anthracite.  It doesn't blacken his white gloves.

 

Dave

Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow

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Posted by bubbajustin on Tuesday, December 22, 2009 8:30 PM

Nevertheless, he can fire a steamer with it if he gets enough quantity!

Does Santa deliver in bulk?

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 7:32 AM

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 7:37 AM

12 Redneck Days of Christmas

12 pack of Bud
11 wrestling tickets
10 cans of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Redman
6 cans of Spam
5 Flannel Shirts
4 mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 hunting dogs
and a part to a Mustang GT

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 7:47 AM

The Twelve Days of Christmas

DAY ONE:

Dearest Bob,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest love and affection,

Violet


DAY TWO:

Dearest Bob,

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine? Two turtle doves!! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just too adorable.

My everlasting love,

Violet


DAY THREE:

My Dear Bob,

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I actually must protest. I don't deserve such generosity-three French hens! They are just darling, but I must insist-you've been too, too kind.

All my love,

Violet


DAY FOUR:

Dear Bob,

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really they ARE beautiful. But don't you think enough is enough? You are just being too romantic.

Love, Violet


DAY FIVE:

Dear Bob,

What a marvellous surprise! Today the postman delivered five gold rings. One for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. To tell you the truth, all these birds really squawk a lot and are getting on
my nerves.

Affectionately, Violet


DAY SIX:

Bob,

Today the postman knocked and ran. When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back on the birds again. Those geese are huge! Where in the name of creation will I keep them? The neighbours are complaining, rightfully so, and it is impossible to sleep through this racket.

Now let this be the end of this.

Cordially, Violet


DAY SEVEN:

Bob,

What the heck's with you and these stupid birds?!? Seven swans-a-swimming? What kind of sick joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never stop with the racket.

Stop with this sadistic nonsense. This is not funny and I am very unhappy.

Sincerely, Violet


DAY EIGHT:

OK Pal ! !

WHAT IN THE SCREAMING HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH EIGHT MAIDS-A-MILKING?
JESUS!!! I THINK I PREFER THE DARN BIRDS! THE MAIDS-A-MILKING HAD TO BRING THEIR  COWS. THERE IS COW POOP ALL OVER MY LAWN AND BIRD POOP ALL OVER THE HOUSE. I CANNOT MOVE MY FEET. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.


DAY NINE:

LISTEN DUMBHEAD ! !

YOU'RE A SADISTIC ***! NOW I HAVE NINE PIPERS PIPING IN MY FRONT YARD AND THEY ARE STANDING KNEE DEEP IN COW POOP. THIS AFTER CHASING THOSE MAIDS ALL NIGHT LONG. CONSEQUENTLY, UPSETTING THE COWS TO THE POINT THAT THEY ARE STEPPING ALL OVER THOSE SCREECHING BIRDS. THE NEIGHBOURS HAVE STARTED A PETITION TO EVICT ME.

UP YOURS ! ! !


DAY TEN:

YOU ROTTEN JERK ! ! !

NOW THERE'S TEN LADIES DANCING. I DON'T KNOW WHY I CALL THOSE SLUTS "LADIES". THEY'VE BEEN MESSING WITH THOSE DARN PIPERS ALL NIGHT LONG.

NOW THE COWS CAN'T SLEEP AND THEY'VE GOT DIARRHEA! EVERYTHING HAS TURNED TO A RIVER OF YUCK ! !

THE COMMISSIONER OF ZONING AND THE BUILDING INSPECTOR HAVE SUBPOENAED ME TO GIVE JUST CAUSE WHY MY HOME SHOULDN'T BE CONDEMNED.

I'M CALLING THE POLICE ! !

I MEAN IT. BY GOD !


DAY ELEVEN:

LISTEN JERK ! ! ! !

NEVER IN MY WILDEST IMAGINATION DID I EVER THINK THAT I WOULD BE WITNESS TO ELEVEN LORDS-A-LEAPING ON THAT MANY MAIDS AND "LADIES."

THEY TOOK THOSE BROADS LIKE GRANT TOOK RICHMOND-- AND THEY WILL NEVER WALK EXACTLY RIGHT AGAIN. I WASN'T THE ONLY WITNESS, BY THE WAY.

THE "60 MINUTES" CAMERA CREW AND STAFF ARE JUST NOW LOADING UP THEIR CAMERA AND EQUIPMENT ON A CHARTERED PLANE AND ARE RACING AGAINST TIME TO HAVE THE FIRST CHRISTMAS SPECIAL ON PAY TV.

FOR THE RECORD, ALL 23 OF THOSE DARN BIRDS ARE DEAD. THEY WERE TRAMPLED TO DEATH IN THE ORGY. AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, SOMEHOW, SOME DAY, I'LL GET YOU ! ! ! !

I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOUR FACE AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE!

MISS VIOLET MONICA HABERSHAN


DAY TWELVE:

LAW OFFICES GOLDSTEIN, SILVERBERG AND O'REILLY

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge receipt of your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Violet Monica Habershan.

The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss Habershan at the Charter Glade Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight!

With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 7:52 AM

10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

6. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

7. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

8. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

9. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

10. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."


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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 7:57 AM

Christmas Physics

After many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.

1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there exists at least one good child in each.

3. Santa has 31 of hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky
27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each good child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariable described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5. 353,00 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion -

If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's toast by now.

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Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 8:48 AM

zardoz
The Twelve Days of Christmas

DAY ONE:

Dearest Bob

I recall seeing a version of this in which the recipient received the entire chorus each day - leaving her with 12 partridges (with accompanying pear trees), 22 turtle doves, etc...

In that version, I believe she managed to find a new boyfriend...

 

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
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There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by JoeKoh on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 12:24 PM

possibly posted before-if so my apologies

 Picture Taking

a young man was driving in town and noticed a flash .he discovered it was an intersection camera that police use to check for speeding,red lights etc..He wasn't speeding nor ran the light so he decided to have some fun.he made faces at the camera and made gestures to the camera and his timing was perfect.Three days later he got five tickets in the mail for not wearing his safety belt while driving.As someone once said you can't fix stupid.

stay safe

joe

Deshler Ohio-crossroads of the B&O Matt eats your fries.YUM! Clinton st viaduct undefeated against too tall trucks!!!(voted to be called the "Clinton St. can opener").

 

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Posted by CShaveRR on Wednesday, December 23, 2009 5:11 PM
The version we hear on WFMT is similar--by Day 11 she can't stand the guy, but the drummers cause her to throw herself off a cliff--before which, she wills all of that stuff to the guy to deal with.

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by dmoore74 on Thursday, January 7, 2010 1:44 PM

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!  The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.' 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?' 'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!' A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?' Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!

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