The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by dmoore74 on Thursday, March 12, 2009 7:28 PM

A sign of the economy?!!


A  Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up
a case of Budweiser and puts it in their  cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the  wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put  them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so
they carry  on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar  of face  cream and
puts it in the basket.
'What do you  think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream.  It  makes me look beautiful,'  replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:  'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the
price.'

On the PA system:  'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.

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Posted by Deggesty on Thursday, March 12, 2009 8:03 PM

There was a passenger engineer who was very good at stopping his train at the same spot in each station, and the station agents could tell the waiting passengers where to stand so that they did not have move down the train before boarding. One day as he came into one of the stations, he overran the station before he stopped. The conductor, who was already standing in the rear vestibule, gave him three shorts on the communication line, blew the proper signal for the street crossing that was right beside the station as they backed, and then stopped the train, using the valve on the monkey tail. The engineer got down, walked back to the station, and asked the agent, "Who cut my sunflower down?"

Johnny

Johnny

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, March 13, 2009 8:31 AM

Deggesty

There was a passenger engineer who was very good at stopping his train at the same spot in each station, and the station agents could tell the waiting passengers where to stand so that they did not have move down the train before boarding. One day as he came into one of the stations, he overran the station before he stopped. The conductor, who was already standing in the rear vestibule, gave him three shorts on the communication line, blew the proper signal for the street crossing that was right beside the station as they backed, and then stopped the train, using the valve on the monkey tail. The engineer got down, walked back to the station, and asked the agent, "Who cut my sunflower down?"

Johnny

Actually, there is quite a bit of truth to the above; you would be amazed at the obscure things we sometimes use for spotting marks. We try to use things that do not change with the seasons (hard to see the sunflower when it's covered by three feet of snow).

And of course the marks change depending on how many coaches are in the train, how many coaches are deadheading, how many units you have, which style of unit you are in, etc.

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Posted by Dakguy201 on Friday, March 13, 2009 9:34 AM

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking.  Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. The responses show some of the Canadian sarcastic humor!!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?
    ( from England )
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of  them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton, and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die off?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe Ca-na-da is that big country to your North.  Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...  Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in  Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I  sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of older Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?     (Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA )
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of  anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

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Posted by Anonymous on Friday, March 13, 2009 9:08 PM

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

----------------------------------------------------------------

There once was a rich man who was near death.

He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "Why did you bring paving stones?"

-------------------------------------------------

And a railroad related one (sort of):

TO ALL UNION PACIFIC  NEW HIRES


Welcome to your new life as a UP object.  Please read this Updated Employee Handbook immediately.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.  If we see you wearing new Red Wing boots & carrying a $600 Gucci grip, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.  If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness.  If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you work for the railroad, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive the contractually allotted personal days.  Approval for taking these days is left to managers who do not get personal days.  You may apply for personal days at any time.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:  Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25, except for everyone else. (Forget it. You're a new hire, vacation isn't something you need concern yourself with at this time.)

BEREAVEMENT   LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.  In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled for off time, as long as no one else has to work overtime.  We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided all of the work is done and we have enough people to fill the next shift, without paying overtime, or no one misses call.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, by shift.  For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders"
category.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.  We hope your career with the Union Pacific will profit us. Oh, and you, too. Or not.
Have a nice week.
Your friends at UP Management

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Posted by dmoore74 on Saturday, March 14, 2009 7:56 PM

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from
work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'
 

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Posted by Clutch Cargo on Saturday, March 28, 2009 11:06 AM

 Why does the Navy carry Marines around with them?

 

 

Because Sheep would be too obvious.

 

Kurt

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Posted by egmurphy on Saturday, March 28, 2009 9:53 PM

As folks get older, they begin to take more naps and take up
bird watching ---- kinda like turning into cats.

The Rail Images Page of Ed Murphy "If you reject the food, ignore the customs, fear the religion and avoid the people, you might better stay home." - James Michener
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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Thursday, April 9, 2009 3:51 PM

Thumbs Up   Laugh

For those of you who like wildlife - here's a link to a short and funny video from the USGS Northern Divide Grizzly Bear Project, taken by a "critter cam" = controlled by motion detecting sensor.  My daughter forwarded it to me as she received it under the intriguing (but misleading) caption of "poledancer".  This bear is better than most people - don't worry, it's not offensive in any way.  The version she sent to me had a disco music track, but I don't know how to post a link to that one here (yet).  Anyway, enjoy !

http://www.nrmsc.usgs.gov/research/video/Kendall_RTgrizrub2006 

Video: Grizzly bear at rub tree

Video Description: Grizzly bear vigorously rubbing on a tree regularly used by other bears in Glacier National Park.

USGS Northern Divide Bear Project

Remote video by J.Stetz / A.Macleod. August 12, 2006.

Length: 33 seconds, File Size: 589 KB. Clip: RB03v

If you roam around this site - http://www.nrmsc.usgs.gov/research/KendallRemoteCamera.htm - there seem to be several other videos of like kind - including a bear taking a swipe at the camera, and even one of the elusive wolverine walking past a "bear hair trap" ! at: http://www.nrmsc.usgs.gov/research/video/Kendall_HT2005wolverine 

- Paul North.

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by aricat on Friday, April 10, 2009 9:57 AM

But Minnesota public schools will still start on time!!!

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Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, April 15, 2009 9:42 AM

TWENTY-FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED..

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your derriere look fat.

LarryWhistling
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Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, April 15, 2009 11:39 AM

The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation.  It concerns transit (bus and trolley) companies.  This was serious and was written for male supervisors of women in the work force during WWII.  For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.

 

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees

There’s no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men.  The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point.  The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage.  Here are eleven helpful tips o the subject from Western Properties.

1.         Pick young married women.  They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they’re less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn’t be doing it, they still have pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2.        When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in the lives.  Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy.  It’s well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3.        General experience indicates that “husky” girls – those who just a a little on the heavy side – are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4.        Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination – one covering female conditions.  This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of a lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5.        Stress at the outset the importance of time – the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules.  Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6.        Give the female employee a  definite day-long schedule of duties so that they’ll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes.  Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have the jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7.        Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day.  Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8.        Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day.  You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology.  A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and was her hands several times a day.

9.        Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms.  Women are often sensitive; they can’t shrug off harsh words the way men do.  Never ridicule a woman – it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10.     Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women.  Even though a girl’s husband or father may swear vociferously, she’ll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11.     Get enough size variety in operator’s uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit.  This point can’t be stressed too much in keeping women happy.

 

LarryWhistling
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There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, April 15, 2009 12:16 PM

INTRODUCING THE NEW BIO-OPTIC ORGANIZED KNOWLEDGE DEVICE, TRADE NAMED “BOOK”

BOOK  is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology.  No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.  Only an external light source is needed.  Any lamp, normal daylight, or evan a flashlight will suffice.  BOOK is so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere – even sitting in an armchair by the fire or on the deck next to the pool – yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.  Here’s how it works:

BOOK  is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.

The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.  Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.  Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density;  for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more pages.

Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain.  A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.  BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.  BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard.  The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.  Many come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact play you left it in a previous session – even if BOOK has been closed.  BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.  Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once.  The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools – the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS) or the Permanent Encryption Nib Stylus (PENS). 

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave.  Also, BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking as well.  Look for a flood of new titles soon!

 

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by bubbajustin on Wednesday, April 15, 2009 3:16 PM

There is older man that walk into a dinner.He is from one of the southern states, so he hase that southern draw. An older lady is sitting behind him eating a burger and fries. She starts to choke, and the dinner staff are like "oh no what do we do?" The older southern man lifts up her skirt and licks her butt.Dead She coughs up the food and slaps the guy in the face and says "how dare you!!!" He said "but mam, I was just doin' the hind-lick manuver!"

The road to to success is always under construction. _____________________________________________________________________________ When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.

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Posted by Deggesty on Wednesday, April 15, 2009 9:01 PM

tree68
INTRODUCING THE NEW BIO-OPTIC ORGANIZED KNOWLEDGE DEVICE, TRADE NAMED “BOOK”
BOOK  is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology.  No wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.  Only an external light source is needed.  Any lamp, normal daylight, or evan a flashlight will suffice.  BOOK is so easy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere – even sitting in an armchair by the fire or on the deck next to the pool – yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disk.  Here’s how it works:
BOOK  is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.  Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs.  Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density;  for now, BOOKs with more information simply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain.  A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.  BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.  BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard.  The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish.  Many come with an “index” feature, which pinpoints the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact play you left it in a previous session – even if BOOK has been closed.  BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers.  Conversely, numerous BOOKmarks can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once.  The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools – the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS) or the Permanent Encryption Nib Stylus (PENS). 
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave.  Also, BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking as well.  Look for a flood of new titles soon!

 

Excellent! Perhaps sales may escalate into the millions?

Johnny

Johnny

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Posted by Deggesty on Tuesday, April 21, 2009 5:41 PM

Mookie's question about flat wheels on locomotives reminded me of the engineer who was a little unwise in his use of the independent brake, and ground flat spots on all his engine's wheels. He was, of course, called in to give an account of his misdeed. His response to the question as to how long he thought the flats on the drivers were was, "About a dollar." The man who was interrogating him responded, "A dollar?! They are six inches long!" The engineer then said, "You didn't let me finish; I was going to say a dollar bill."

Johnny

Johnny

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Posted by spokyone on Saturday, May 2, 2009 12:50 PM

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus is watching you.'  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.  When he heard nothing more, afer a bit, he shook his head and continued.  Just as he pulled the plasma TV out so he could disconnect it, clear as a bell, he heard,  'Jesus is watching you."

   Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.  Finally, in the corner of the room the light beam came to rest on a parrot.  'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Jesus really IS watching you, said the parrot..'

   The burglar relaxed. 'So you are warning me, huh?  Who in the world are you?'
  
 'Moses', replied the bird.
 'Moses?' the burglar laughed.  What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
  
Replied the parrot, 'The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus.' 

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Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Saturday, May 2, 2009 2:38 PM

Three men from Texas were sitting together one day, bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. All of the women were hearty stock from the upper midwest.

The first man had married a woman from Des Moines, Iowa had had told her that she was going to have to do the dishes and the house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Chicago. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a gal from International Falls, Minnesota. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwhich and load the dishwasher.

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Posted by ericsp on Sunday, May 3, 2009 1:39 AM

If you put a container in a Thrall container car, is it enthralled?

Is flew the correct term for a dead fly? 

"No soup for you!" - Yev Kassem (from Seinfeld)

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Posted by locomutt on Wednesday, May 6, 2009 1:45 PM

 
Q. What is the definition of a fixed signal?

A. A cub brakeman on a windy night, on top of a boxcar, with a cigarette in his mouth, a cinder in his eye and his lantern out.

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

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Posted by spokyone on Wednesday, May 6, 2009 2:15 PM

locomutt


Q. What is the definition of a fixed signal?


A Mexican man that had a vascectomy.
Oh. I thought you asked "A fixed Senor"

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Posted by locomutt on Wednesday, May 6, 2009 3:44 PM

spokyone

locomutt


Q. What is the definition of a fixed signal?


A Mexican man that had a vascectomy.
Oh. I thought you asked "A fixed Senor"

 

LaughLaugh 

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

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Posted by bubbajustin on Wednesday, May 6, 2009 3:53 PM
spokyone

locomutt


Q. What is the definition of a fixed signal?


A Mexican man that had a vascectomy.
Oh. I thought you asked "A fixed Senor"
HA HA HA HA HA HA! Halarious1

The road to to success is always under construction. _____________________________________________________________________________ When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Friday, May 8, 2009 10:14 AM

 Link to humorous "framed" photo (of the "Despair, Inc. / Demotivation" style) of a HUGE pile-up type derailment, most likely on the Burlington Northern, labled as "EPIC FAIL":

http://media.photobucket.com/image/fail/frosteees/fail.jpg?o=20

I observe a stone bridge pier to the left of the mainline tracks in the foreground, and a similar stone bridge abutment to the left.  Looking at it carefully, I see what appears to be the remains of a black steel truss bridge above and in between several of the cars - i.e., on top of the stone pier to the left of the main, below the green BN covered hopper, above the yellow BN refrigerator car or box, and to the left of the 2 crumpled silver cars (also BN reefers ?).  So I'm thinking this is the derailment in the Chicago area from like 10 or 15 years ago, when something knocked down a truss bridge as a train was going across it ?

Anyway, quite the dramatic photo, don't you agree ?

- Paul North.

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by Deggesty on Friday, May 8, 2009 11:50 AM

Paul_D_North_Jr

 Link to humorous "framed" photo (of the "Despair, Inc. / Demotivation" style) of a HUGE pile-up type derailment, most likely on the Burlington Northern, labled as "EPIC FAIL":

http://media.photobucket.com/image/fail/frosteees/fail.jpg?o=20

I observe a stone bridge pier to the left of the mainline tracks in the foreground, and a similar stone bridge abutment to the left.  Looking at it carefully, I see what appears to be the remains of a black steel truss bridge above and in between several of the cars - i.e., on top of the stone pier to the left of the main, below the green BN covered hopper, above the yellow BN refrigerator car or box, and to the left of the 2 crumpled silver cars (also BN reefers ?).  So I'm thinking this is the derailment in the Chicago area from like 10 or 15 years ago, when something knocked down a truss bridge as a train was going across it ?

Anyway, quite the dramatic photo, don't you agree ?

- Paul North.

That took talent, didn't it? Big Smile

Johnny

Johnny

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Posted by CShaveRR on Friday, May 8, 2009 12:44 PM
I recognize that derailment site!

This is LaGrange, Illinois, where the BN crossed the IHB. When I used to print out narratives for my area train-watching trips, I wrote the following about this (be thankful you didn't take your trip thirty-some years ago, Johnny!):

This bridge was the site of one of the more catastrophic train wrecks in the western suburbs in recent times. On August 27, 1977, a defective freight car caused an eastbound BN freight to derail, blocking all three tracks. Amtrak's westbound San Francisco Zephyr was too close to avoid running into the wreckage, and was consequently derailed as well (there were numerous injuries, some serious, but no deaths). The biggest pileup was right on the IHB bridge--naturally the bridge collapsed, blocking the IHB for a time as well.

I remember seeing the flange marks in the ties and at least two grade crossings to the west of the bridge, so the errant freight car was derailed going through the downtown.

The photograph was taken looking north on the IHB; you can see the piers of the bridge that normally carries BNSF over the IHB. At the extreme left of the bridge is a single-lane street. Paul, this wasn't a truss bridge; it was (and is) a rather mundane girder bridge.

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Friday, May 8, 2009 2:13 PM

Carl - Thank you !  Thumbs Up  for the supplemental information.  I can see where it was a girder bridge - they're just generally not quite as susceptible to that kind of collapse from derailments.  Not immune - just not usually as vulnerable.

Mischief  Can you imagine the response to the following inquiry from "the wife", when any of the many involved railroaders - train crews, wreck crews, B&B gangs, track gangs, C&S people, operating and engineering officials, etc., etc. finally made it home - either much later that day, or after several continuous days, more likely:

"How was your day, honey ?" Kisses

How would you respond ?  What can you say ?  Confused  Who would believe that chain of events ?  Whistling

Certainly an object lesson in why trains should be inspected as often as possible, and any emergency application of the brakes should trigger notifying any other trains in the vicinity.

Thanks again.

- Paul North.

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by Deggesty on Friday, May 8, 2009 4:14 PM

CShaveRR
This is LaGrange, Illinois, where the BN crossed the IHB. When I used to print out narratives for my area train-watching trips, I wrote the following about this (be thankful you didn't take your trip thirty-some years ago, Johnny!):

Carl is referring to a trip which my wife I and took this spring, leaving Salt Lake City on the westbound CZ on 3-28, and leaving Chicago, returning home, 4-24. Yes, I am glad that there was nothing even approaching what is seen in the picture. Indeed, in all of my rail travels, a derailment has affected my travel only twice--both times on the Southern's Knoxville division--and the trains I was riding were detoured (adding new route mileage, some of which I never again rode). The first one was in Riceville, Tenn., in 1957, and my train was detoured over the CNO&TP from Chattanooga to Oakdale, and then into Knoxville. The second derailment was at Bluff City, Tenn., in 1958, and we were detoured over the Clinchfield from Johnson City to Frisco, where we took the Southern first through Moccasin Gap into Gate City where the engine was put back on the head end (the interchange in Johnson City made it necessary to run the engine around the train), and then on to Bristol.

Johnny

Johnny

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Posted by cherokee woman on Monday, May 18, 2009 4:27 PM

 An "Oldie but Goldie"........

Wooo! Wooo!

 

There were two Indians and a Cowboy walking along together in the desert when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a steep hill to the mouth of a cave. 

He stopped and hollered into the entrance, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" 

He then listened very closely until he heard an answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. 

The Cowboy was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about ... was that Indian goofy or something?

"No", said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, `Woooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!' and get an answer back, that means she is in there waiting for you."

Well, just about that time the other Indian spotted another cave. He took off, ran to the cave, stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" 

When he heard a reply "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" off came his clothes and into the cave he goes.

The Cowboy started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. 

Suddenly, he looked up and saw this great big cave. He was amazed at the size and thought, "Man! It's bigger than the caves those Indians found. There must be something special in this cave!"

Well, he darted up the hill at great speed with hopes of ecstasy and grandure. He got in front of the cave and yelled, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" 

He was thrilled when he heard the answering call of
"WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!"

He quickly took off his clothes. With a happy face he raced into the cave. 

The headlines in the next day's newspaper stated:

NAKED COWBOY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!

Angel cherokee woman "O'Toole's law: Murphy was an optimist."
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Posted by trainfan1221 on Monday, May 18, 2009 8:31 PM

I like it! 

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