The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by 54light15 on Friday, January 10, 2020 9:45 AM

Yep. Glad she's long gone. So long, beeyotch! 

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Thursday, January 9, 2020 3:07 PM

54light15

So my wife wanted to go on vacation, she said she wanted to go someplace she'd never been before. So I says to her, "Try the shower." 

 

Whoa. Are you sure you didn't mean to say ex-wife?!?

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Thursday, January 9, 2020 2:19 PM

Surprise  Tongue Tied  Ick!

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Posted by 54light15 on Thursday, January 9, 2020 1:33 PM

So my wife wanted to go on vacation, she said she wanted to go someplace she'd never been before. So I says to her, "Try the shower." 

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Thursday, January 9, 2020 1:23 PM

   Reminds me of a cartoon I saw many years ago.  A farmer is painting targets on the sides of his cows.  He explains to a passerby, "Them hunters can't hit anything they aim at."

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Thursday, January 9, 2020 12:39 PM

So Farmer Joe was out in the field with a bucket of white paint and a brush and painting "COW" on the sides of his herd.

"Whatcha doin' that for Joe?" a passing neighbor asked.

"Well ya know huntin' season's comin' up."

"Oh yeah, good idea.  But why'd you paint "COW" on that one, that ain't a cow, it's a bull!"

"No point in confusin' them city-slickers!"

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Tuesday, January 7, 2020 3:05 PM

A man's spouse did not like the vegetable with her dinner in the diner. He implored a stranger, "Take my wife's...peas."

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, January 7, 2020 11:57 AM

.

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Posted by 54light15 on Monday, January 6, 2020 9:37 PM

I was walking down the street and a man said to me that he hadn't had a bite for three days. I said, "So?'

I was walking down the street and a man asked me, "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?" I said, "I dunno."

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse says, "Becasue I'm a horse you idiot!" 

"I just flew in from Vegas and boy was that airplane comfortable!"

thank you very much. 

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Posted by tree68 on Monday, January 6, 2020 9:32 PM

Paul of Covington
When I was a kid in Honduras, before 1952 when we moved here, the milk was delivered by mule cart. 

And then there's the legendary fire horses whose second career was with a milk wagon, which was OK until they heard an alarm...

As an aside, many of the horses did actually learn the alarms to which they were normally going to respond.

And speaking of firehouses, one of the mascots in a Chicago firehouse had the uncanny ability to foretell an alarm.  Or so they thought.  At the time, there was a speaker in each firehouse over which the dispatch announced the alarm.  Normally the circuit for each station's speaker was off, to be turned on when it came time to send out a company.

Turns out the dog wasn't prescient at all - it heard the "pop" as the speaker was connected and would be running for the trucks before the dispatcher started to announce the alarm.

I had a dog that recognized our pager tones (the scanner is always on).  She didn't do anything more than get out of the way.  A friend had two pups who knew that when that department's tones came over the radio it was time to head for their kennels.

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Monday, January 6, 2020 8:30 PM

   I had to go back to the last page to figure out how we got to subject of milk.

________

   Another variation on "fly in the soup":

  " Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?"

   "Looks like the backstroke, sir."

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   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Monday, January 6, 2020 8:15 PM

Miningman
In Hamilton, Ont. , a big industrial city, milk was delivered by horse drawn milk vans.

   That reminds me:

   When I was a kid in Honduras, before 1952 when we moved here, the milk was delivered by mule cart.  The mules had different personalities.  One didn't want move--they had to yell and pull and poke him to get him to start.  Another one never wanted to stop--they would chase him down the street.

  Then there was the one that appreciated music.  There was a club with a live band about two blocks around the corner from our house.  One day he was standing in front of our house when the band started playing.  He immediately took off at a trot toward the club with the crew chasing after him.

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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, January 6, 2020 8:14 PM

As to milk in glass bottles, for a time we took delivery on such from a small dairy, It was neither pasteurized nor homogenized, and could sit in the sun a while. Then we changed to a much larger dairy which processed the milk "properly"--and we had to bring the milk in early.

In college, we still received milk in bottles, and it was served at breakfast and the evening meal. If I emptied a bottle in the evening, I would hold it over my glass and squeeze it as though I were getting the last drop out--and one evening, the boy sitting next to me reached over and made the motions of stripping a cow (I thanked him for that).

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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, January 6, 2020 8:04 PM

zardoz

 

 
Deggesty

A young man was out driving with his girl friend. She said, sternly, "Use both hands!" He replied, "I can't; I need one to steer."

 

 

 

I gotta stop drinking coffee when I read some of these...

 

 

Zardoz, thank you. That joke is almost as old as I am. It, along with many more that I wish I could remember, was in a magazine published for boys (The American Boy) that ceased publication in 1941. My brothers had saved almost all of the issues they had received, and I enjoyed reading the stories, articles, and jokes that were published.

Another one: He--"I don't see what keeps you girls warm in the winter". She--"You are not supposed to."

Johnny

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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, January 6, 2020 7:58 PM

A man who had asked for soup in a restaurant took one look at the soup after the waiter brought it to him and immediatley yelled at the waiter, "THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP!"

The waiter's response was, "Please don't yell; everybody else will want a fly."

Johnny

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Posted by tree68 on Monday, January 6, 2020 7:56 PM

Then there was the fellow who tried eating vichyssoise in the rain at a sidewalk cafe...

LarryWhistling
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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, January 6, 2020 7:49 PM

A man who had asked for soup in a restaurant took one look at the soup after the waiter brought it to him and immediatley yelled at the waiter, "THERE'S A FLY IN MY SOUP!"

The waiter's response was, "Please don't yell; everybody else will want one."

Johnny

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Monday, January 6, 2020 7:28 PM

First of all...  This is the humor thread and THAT (the Borden bankruptcy) AIN'T FUNNY!

2nd, I blame the medical community.  I was told to NOT drink milk, "it is good for very young children, but not adults", or so said my PCP.

Then I was told I need to take a calcium supliment to improve my bone structure.

HOG WASH!  (and I told her so!).

I remember getting milk from both Borden and Polk on every other day... even had two insulated boxes on the porch to put the 3 half-gallon glass bottles in.  Us kids had milk with just about every meal.  Good stuff!  (And good for you!)

 

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Monday, January 6, 2020 6:33 PM

BaltACD

 

 
Miningman
In Hamilton, Ont. , a big industrial city, milk was delivered by horse drawn milk vans. They were not replaced until 1961! I remember well when a horse had one leg stuck down an open man hole on our street. Hard to believe nowadays relating that story. Stoney Creek Dairy. 

They were famous for sundaes, banana splits and all that at their dairy delivered to your car. Everyone in Hamilton had a big plastic round tray proudly stamped ' Stolen from the Stoney Creek Dairy'. 

 

Elsie the Cow files for bankruptcy.

https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/06/business/borden-dairy-bankruptcy/index.html

 

Lady Firestorm says it's the fault of all those lame-a$$es drinking artificial milk instead of the real stuff!

She was a milkman's daughter, don't ya know? 

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Posted by BaltACD on Monday, January 6, 2020 6:13 PM

Miningman
In Hamilton, Ont. , a big industrial city, milk was delivered by horse drawn milk vans. They were not replaced until 1961! I remember well when a horse had one leg stuck down an open man hole on our street. Hard to believe nowadays relating that story. Stoney Creek Dairy. 

They were famous for sundaes, banana splits and all that at their dairy delivered to your car. Everyone in Hamilton had a big plastic round tray proudly stamped ' Stolen from the Stoney Creek Dairy'. 

Elsie the Cow files for bankruptcy.

https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/06/business/borden-dairy-bankruptcy/index.html

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Posted by 54light15 on Monday, January 6, 2020 6:13 PM

In Toronto there is a company called Back Motor Bodies that makes truck bodies, mainly cube vans. In the lobby of the company when I was there, was a photo of a milk truck they made in 1938. It had a rivetted metal body, steel wheels, pneumatic tires, headlights and a windshield wiper. It had a one horse horse in between two shafts with the throttle reins going back into the cab. 

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Posted by Miningman on Monday, January 6, 2020 5:34 PM

In Hamilton, Ont. , a big industrial city, milk was delivered by horse drawn milk vans. They were not replaced until 1961! I remember well when a horse had one leg stuck down an open man hole on our street. Hard to believe nowadays relating that story. Stoney Creek Dairy. 

They were famous for sundaes, banana splits and all that at their dairy delivered to your car. Everyone in Hamilton had a big plastic round tray proudly stamped ' Stolen from the Stoney Creek Dairy'. 

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Posted by tree68 on Monday, January 6, 2020 5:25 PM

zardoz
I remember the milkman coming to our house.

We had a milk man for a while when we moved into the village.  In fact, our new house had a small compartment next to the door where the milk could go.  Unfortunately, it wouldn't hold gallon bottles, which is how we usually got milk.  In fact, I'm not sure it would hold half gallons.  So we had an insulated box on the back (side) porch.

I had a morning paper route and regularly saw the milkman pulling out of his starting place, dripping down the road (melted ice).

LarryWhistling
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Posted by Electroliner 1935 on Monday, January 6, 2020 5:14 PM

My memory is of the round bottles that would be put on our porch and in the winter, having the cream freeze and push up the cap. I got to put some sugar on it and walla, ICE CREAM. 

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Monday, January 6, 2020 4:58 PM

zardoz
I remember the milkman coming to our house.

What I remember was my Pop getting up before dawn and walking to the milk shed and getting the day's milk from the cow (Reddie) and bringing it back and pouring it into the bottles through a cheese cloth. When I was about five or six, he sold the cow and we started getting our milk in town at the store. I think my Mom missed having her fresh cream for the coffee every morning, though.

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Monday, January 6, 2020 4:01 PM

54light15
A guy walks into a resturant and asks the waiter, "Do you serve crabs?" the waiter says, "This is a shoe store, we don't serve food."

Tongue Tied  ???

I think I get the basic gag (but maybe not), but are you sure that's how that goes?

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, January 6, 2020 2:45 PM

tree68

 

 
Flintlock76

So two drunks are staggering up Lexington Avenue in New York City.  One rolls down a subway entrance while the other keeps walking.  A few blocks later, the first walks past a another subway entrance while his buddy staggers up.

"Hey!" says the first, "Where YOU been?"

"Down in some guys basement.  Good Lord, you should see the Lionel set HE'S got!" 

 

YesThumbs Up

 

+2

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, January 6, 2020 2:44 PM

54light15
The milkman didn't come to our house.

I remember the milkman coming to our house. He usually did our street right around lunch hour. I'd come home from school for lunch, see the milkman, next thing you know my parents, unbeknownst to them, just purchased two quarts of chocolate milk.It was in glass bottles--yum!

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, January 6, 2020 2:39 PM

Deggesty

A young man was out driving with his girl friend. She said, sternly, "Use both hands!" He replied, "I can't; I need one to steer."

 

I gotta stop drinking coffee when I read some of these...

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