The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Friday, November 29, 2019 3:50 PM

The totally exasperated high school football player gets right in a player's face and screams, "What the #u©k is it with you, kid? Is it ignorance, or is it apathy?"

"I don't know, and I don't care."

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, November 29, 2019 12:28 PM

Q: How is Christmas like your job?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

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A college football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

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I decided to make my password "incorrect" because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, "Your password is incorrect."

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Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

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A man was driving and saw a truck stalled on the side of the highway that had ten penguins standing next to it. The man pulled over and asked the truck driver if he needed any help.

The truck driver replied, "If you can take these penguins to the zoo while I wait for AAA that will be great!"

The man agreed and the penguins hopped into the back of his car. Two hours later, the trucker was back on the road again and decided to check on the penguins. He showed up at the zoo and they weren't there! He headed back into his truck and started driving around the town, looking for any sign of the penguins, the man, or his car.

While driving past a movie theater, the truck driver spotted the guy walking out with the ten penguins. The truck driver yelled, "What are you doing? You were supposed to take them to the zoo!"

The man replied, "I did and then I had some extra money so I took them to go see a movie."

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, November 29, 2019 11:46 AM
The newspaper published a story saying that one-half of Congress were crooks. 
The Government took great exception to that and demanded a retraction and an apology.
The newspaper responded the next day with an apology, and reported that one-half of Congress were not crooks.
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Posted by zardoz on Friday, November 29, 2019 11:36 AM

Why is it that steam locomotives can't sit down?

Because they have a tender behind.

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, November 29, 2019 10:11 AM

A turkey farmer wanted to genetically engineer the perfect turkey for his family's holiday meal. His turkeys were already delicious but there was one big problem: not enough drumsticks.

He was tired of all the fighting over the holiday table, so he decided to do something about it.

He spent years trying to selectively breed a turkey that would have enough drumsticks to go around. It became an obsession—he gave up socializing and became something of a hermit and a running joke in the town.

After several years of increasingly reclusive behavior, the other farmers were shocked when he turned up at their local watering hole.

"Well?!" they asked him, en masse. "I did it!" said the turkey farmer, "I bred one that has 6 legs!"

"Wow!" "Congratulations!" "We knew you'd pull it off!"

The bartender said, "That's great, but we have to ask: How did it taste?"

"I don't know . . ." said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"

 

Credit cartalk.com for this gem.

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Tuesday, November 12, 2019 6:15 PM

BaltACD

 

 
Murphy Siding
My sister in law had me help her bury a big roll of old carpet in the forest near her house. She would have had her husband help her, but he's out of town.

 

Nothing suspicious about that - was the carpet heavy and lumpy?

 

No moreso than her husband.

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by BaltACD on Tuesday, November 12, 2019 4:54 PM

Murphy Siding
My sister in law had me help her bury a big roll of old carpet in the forest near her house. She would have had her husband help her, but he's out of town.

Nothing suspicious about that - was the carpet heavy and lumpy?

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Tuesday, November 12, 2019 4:22 PM

My sister in law had me help her bury a big roll of old carpet in the forest near her house. She would have had her husband help her, but he's out of town.

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, November 12, 2019 3:47 PM

zardoz
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Corollary:  The wife is showing me how mad she is at me by not talking to me.  I think I'll wait a little longer before making up.  The quiet has been great!

LarryWhistling
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Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, November 12, 2019 1:44 PM

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumkin by its diameter?Pumpkin Pi

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Why do blind people hate skydiving? It scares the hell out of their dogs.

When you look really closely, all mirrors look like eyeballs.

Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. The plot thickens.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!

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Posted by York1 on Friday, September 27, 2019 1:47 PM

I haven't read through all the preceding pages, so forgive me if this has been written:

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident at the small village of Calddagh on the coast of Ireland, Patrick O’Flynn answered the door to find two grim-faced Constables.

 One of them said, “We are sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your wife, Maureen.”

 Tell me … did you find her?” Patrick O’Flynn pleaded.

 The Constables looked at each other and one said, “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

 Fearing the worst, Mr. O’Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”

 The Constable continued, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife’s body in the bay.”

 Oh, my goodness!” exclaimed Mr. O’Flynn. Fighting back tears, he asked, “What could possibly be the good news?”

 The Constable continued,When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that we’ve ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s. We feel that you are entitled to share in the catch.”

 Stunned by what he heard, Mr. O’Flynn demanded, “If that is the good news, then what is the REALLY good news?”

 The second Constable replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow!!”

Saints Fan John

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Posted by Deggesty on Friday, September 27, 2019 1:27 PM

Zardoz, I really liked the one about recycling and such.

As to making change, the wife of one storekeeper in my home town counted on her fingers to determine how much change to give. At least, she did not require a machine to tell her. 

Johnny

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 27, 2019 12:18 PM

Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas.  Young people have their acronyms, now seniors have their own texting codes:

Top 10 Senior Texting Codes

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* FYI - Found Your Insulin

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

* GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 27, 2019 12:03 PM

Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young cashier responded, "That's our problem today - your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

Back then, we returned milk bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re-used for numerous things, most memorable besides household bags for rubbish, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school), was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalise our books on the brown paper bags.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building. We walked to the local shop and didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.

Back then, we washed the diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 3 kilowatts – wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house - not a TV in every room and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Scotland in the kitchen.

We blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

We didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club
to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $50,000 ‘People Carrier’ which cost the same as a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pub!

But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't work out the change without the cash register telling them how much it is!

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, September 14, 2019 2:16 PM

A Tesla got stuck in a McDonald's drive-through when the battery unexpectedly died.

"It's alright," said the friendly Golden Arches window server, handing over the burgers and fries, but refusing to take any money. "No charge for you today!"

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, September 14, 2019 1:14 PM

Dr. Jones decides that he's tired of being a gynecologist, and wants to become a car mechanic. So he closes his practice and signs up at the local community college to take the introductory mechanics class.

At the end of his first year, he has to take a practical exam to get his class grade. When he receives his scoring sheet back he sees that he's got an 150% on the test. Not understanding how he could get 150%, he calls the instructor to ask.

The instructor responds, "well your first task was to take apart the car and you did that just fine. Your second test was to put the car back together. And you did that just fine as well. The bonus 50% was because you did it all through the muffler."

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Posted by Miningman on Wednesday, September 4, 2019 7:54 PM
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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Sunday, August 18, 2019 9:14 PM

Semper Vaporo

 

 
Lithonia Operator

What do you call a dwarf clairvoyant who has escaped from prison and is on the lam?

(I’m gonna give you guys a stab at this for a while.)

 

 

 

 

Sorry!

 

A small medium at large.

 

Bingo. The Golden Grimace award goes to Semper Vaporo.

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Posted by Deggesty on Sunday, August 18, 2019 8:51 PM

Tommy and Cloyd went to a seance.

After a little while, the lady in charge began laughing and laughing, whereupon Tommy got up, and hit her.

Cloyd asked why he did that--Tommy replied, "My mother told me to always strike a happy medium."

Johnny

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Sunday, August 18, 2019 8:12 PM

Lithonia Operator

What do you call a dwarf clairvoyant who has escaped from prison and is on the lam?

(I’m gonna give you guys a stab at this for a while.)

 

 

Sorry!

 

A small medium at large.

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Sunday, August 18, 2019 8:11 PM

What do you call a dwarf clairvoyant who has escaped from prison and is on the lam?

(I’m gonna give you guys a stab at this for a while.)

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Sunday, August 18, 2019 8:06 PM

The nurse says to the doctor, “There is an invisible man out in the waiting room. He has no appointment.”

The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, August 17, 2019 1:44 PM

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Man: Yes

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.

Lady Interviewer: How much does whisky cost?
Man: Roughly $30.00.

Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 30 years

Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly $150,000 on booze.
Man: OK

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No

Man: So where is your Ferrari?

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, August 17, 2019 1:42 PM

Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist's office. 

Martin says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... ".

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks Martin, "Which tooth is it sir?"

Martin turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him......."

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, August 17, 2019 1:39 PM

Mr. Parsons went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife.

Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.

Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: I never checked.

Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Officer: Colour of her hair?
Husband: That changes according to season.

Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Officer: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.

Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . . 
Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2013 plate.  Scratch on the offside driver's panel, crack in the front headlight ....... and then the husband started crying .....

Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, August 17, 2019 1:37 PM

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Wilson, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.

Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected ... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day, Professor Wilson was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Professor Wilson, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Professor Wilson, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within one was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."

Professor Wilson, smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."

By this time the professor was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "Idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Professor Wilson, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

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Posted by NKP guy on Tuesday, August 6, 2019 8:06 PM

1.   Wherever there are four Episcopalians...there you'll find a fifth.

2.  The difference between Episcopalians and Southern Baptists?  Episcopalians drink withe the window shades up.

3.  Methodists have works but no faith; Presbyterians have faith but no works.  Episcopalians dress well.

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Posted by BaltACD on Tuesday, August 6, 2019 7:45 PM

Paul of Covington
   Nice try!

   I came across this picture in my computer from a couple of years ago.  Seven year old Nathan decided to forge a letter from the school.   (It's a picture of the TV screen so it's not too clear.)

https://www.flickr.com/photos/paulofcov/48475320356/in/album-72157674861889041/

Here I thought Nathan was designing horns all night! Pirate

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Tuesday, August 6, 2019 4:36 PM

   Nice try!

   I came across this picture in my computer from a couple of years ago.  Seven year old Nathan decided to forge a letter from the school.   (It's a picture of the TV screen so it's not too clear.)

https://www.flickr.com/photos/paulofcov/48475320356/in/album-72157674861889041/

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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