The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by York1 on Friday, September 27, 2019 1:47 PM

I haven't read through all the preceding pages, so forgive me if this has been written:

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident at the small village of Calddagh on the coast of Ireland, Patrick O’Flynn answered the door to find two grim-faced Constables.

 One of them said, “We are sorry, Mr. O’Flynn, but we have some information about your wife, Maureen.”

 Tell me … did you find her?” Patrick O’Flynn pleaded.

 The Constables looked at each other and one said, “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?”

 Fearing the worst, Mr. O’Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”

 The Constable continued, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife’s body in the bay.”

 Oh, my goodness!” exclaimed Mr. O’Flynn. Fighting back tears, he asked, “What could possibly be the good news?”

 The Constable continued,When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic lobsters that we’ve ever seen clinging to her. Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 1960’s. We feel that you are entitled to share in the catch.”

 Stunned by what he heard, Mr. O’Flynn demanded, “If that is the good news, then what is the REALLY good news?”

 The second Constable replied, “We’re gonna pull her up again tomorrow!!”

Saints Fan John

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Posted by Deggesty on Friday, September 27, 2019 1:27 PM

Zardoz, I really liked the one about recycling and such.

As to making change, the wife of one storekeeper in my home town counted on her fingers to determine how much change to give. At least, she did not require a machine to tell her. 

Johnny

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 27, 2019 12:18 PM

Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas.  Young people have their acronyms, now seniors have their own texting codes:

Top 10 Senior Texting Codes

* ATD - At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral

* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* FYI - Found Your Insulin

* LOL - Living on Lipitor

* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

* TOT - Texting on Toilet

* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

* GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 27, 2019 12:03 PM

Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman, that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing' back in my earlier days."

The young cashier responded, "That's our problem today - your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

Back then, we returned milk bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re-used for numerous things, most memorable besides household bags for rubbish, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks. This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school), was not defaced by our scribblings. Then we were able to personalise our books on the brown paper bags.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building. We walked to the local shop and didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.

Back then, we washed the diapers because we didn't have the throwaway kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 3 kilowatts – wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house - not a TV in every room and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Scotland in the kitchen.

We blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

We didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club
to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's $50,000 ‘People Carrier’ which cost the same as a whole house did before the "green thing." We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn't need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pub!

But isn't it sad that the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...especially from a tattooed, multiple pierced smartass who can't work out the change without the cash register telling them how much it is!

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, September 14, 2019 2:16 PM

A Tesla got stuck in a McDonald's drive-through when the battery unexpectedly died.

"It's alright," said the friendly Golden Arches window server, handing over the burgers and fries, but refusing to take any money. "No charge for you today!"

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, September 14, 2019 1:14 PM

Dr. Jones decides that he's tired of being a gynecologist, and wants to become a car mechanic. So he closes his practice and signs up at the local community college to take the introductory mechanics class.

At the end of his first year, he has to take a practical exam to get his class grade. When he receives his scoring sheet back he sees that he's got an 150% on the test. Not understanding how he could get 150%, he calls the instructor to ask.

The instructor responds, "well your first task was to take apart the car and you did that just fine. Your second test was to put the car back together. And you did that just fine as well. The bonus 50% was because you did it all through the muffler."

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Posted by Miningman on Wednesday, September 04, 2019 7:54 PM
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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Sunday, August 18, 2019 9:14 PM

Semper Vaporo

 

 
Lithonia Operator

What do you call a dwarf clairvoyant who has escaped from prison and is on the lam?

(I’m gonna give you guys a stab at this for a while.)

 

 

 

 

Sorry!

 

A small medium at large.

 

Bingo. The Golden Grimace award goes to Semper Vaporo.

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Posted by Deggesty on Sunday, August 18, 2019 8:51 PM

Tommy and Cloyd went to a seance.

After a little while, the lady in charge began laughing and laughing, whereupon Tommy got up, and hit her.

Cloyd asked why he did that--Tommy replied, "My mother told me to always strike a happy medium."

Johnny

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Sunday, August 18, 2019 8:12 PM

Lithonia Operator

What do you call a dwarf clairvoyant who has escaped from prison and is on the lam?

(I’m gonna give you guys a stab at this for a while.)

 

 

Sorry!

 

A small medium at large.

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Sunday, August 18, 2019 8:11 PM

What do you call a dwarf clairvoyant who has escaped from prison and is on the lam?

(I’m gonna give you guys a stab at this for a while.)

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Sunday, August 18, 2019 8:06 PM

The nurse says to the doctor, “There is an invisible man out in the waiting room. He has no appointment.”

The doctor says, “Tell him I can’t see him.”

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, August 17, 2019 1:44 PM

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Man: Yes

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.

Lady Interviewer: How much does whisky cost?
Man: Roughly $30.00.

Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 30 years

Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly $150,000 on booze.
Man: OK

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No

Man: So where is your Ferrari?

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, August 17, 2019 1:42 PM

Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist's office. 

Martin says to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have three buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! Today is Friday and we have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:15 already... ".

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have a tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks Martin, "Which tooth is it sir?"

Martin turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth and show him......."

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, August 17, 2019 1:39 PM

Mr. Parsons went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife.

Husband: I lost my wife Gale, she went shopping at Macy's and hasn't come back yet.

Officer: How tall is she?
Husband: I never checked.

Officer: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, can be healthy.

Officer: What colour are Gale's eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.

Officer: Colour of her hair?
Husband: That changes according to season.

Officer: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.

Officer: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.

Officer: Colour of the car? . . . . . 
Husband: Silver Ford Focus Zetec 1.6 engine, automatic drive, 2013 plate.  Scratch on the offside driver's panel, crack in the front headlight ....... and then the husband started crying .....

Officer: Don't worry sir ... we will find your car.

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, August 17, 2019 1:37 PM

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Wilson, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.

Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected ... there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day, Professor Wilson was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, "Mr Gandhi, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Professor Wilson, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions. Professor Wilson, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. "Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within one was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded,"The one with the money, of course."

Professor Wilson, smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, don't you think?"

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded,"Each one takes what he doesn't have."

By this time the professor was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "Idiot" and gave it to Gandhi. Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Professor Wilson, you signed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

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Posted by NKP guy on Tuesday, August 06, 2019 8:06 PM

1.   Wherever there are four Episcopalians...there you'll find a fifth.

2.  The difference between Episcopalians and Southern Baptists?  Episcopalians drink withe the window shades up.

3.  Methodists have works but no faith; Presbyterians have faith but no works.  Episcopalians dress well.

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Posted by BaltACD on Tuesday, August 06, 2019 7:45 PM

Paul of Covington
   Nice try!

   I came across this picture in my computer from a couple of years ago.  Seven year old Nathan decided to forge a letter from the school.   (It's a picture of the TV screen so it's not too clear.)

https://www.flickr.com/photos/paulofcov/48475320356/in/album-72157674861889041/

Here I thought Nathan was designing horns all night! Pirate

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Tuesday, August 06, 2019 4:36 PM

   Nice try!

   I came across this picture in my computer from a couple of years ago.  Seven year old Nathan decided to forge a letter from the school.   (It's a picture of the TV screen so it's not too clear.)

https://www.flickr.com/photos/paulofcov/48475320356/in/album-72157674861889041/

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, August 06, 2019 12:53 PM

Was at a Chinese restaurant the other day, and inside the fortune cookie was the advice, "Don't take advice from a fortune cookie".

------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't anthropomorphize computers, they don't like it.

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, August 06, 2019 12:31 PM

Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes? " 

Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.
==============================================

There was this magnificent mathematical horse. You could teach it arithmetic, which it learned with no difficulty, algebra was a breeze, it could even prove theorems in euclidean geometry. But when you tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance. 

The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.

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Posted by SD70Dude on Monday, April 29, 2019 5:03 PM

Overmod
Paul of Covington
I recently heard that a study had determined that contrary to popular belief, cats do recognize their name.

I don't understand how there is any confusion.  My cats respond individually to their names, when called, including raising their head out of the feeding dish while the 'others' keep eating.

The difference is that a dog comes when called in order to obey.  Cats come because they want to be with you.

In my experience the cats call YOU when they want you to be with them.  Or they want food.  Or they want to go outside.  Or they want to come inside.

There is a different tone of meow for each instruction.  Cat people learn to distinguish them.

When I was younger we had a particularly smart one who just had to have exactly what he wanted exactly when he wanted it.  If you were sleeping he would sneak up behind your head, extend one (and only one) claw, and start poking your forehead.

"hey, hey, hey, hey, are you awake?"

Greetings from Alberta

-an Articulate Malcontent

NDG
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Posted by NDG on Monday, April 29, 2019 4:06 PM

 

The Conductor.
 
Decades ago when the Diesels came,  a Crabby Old Conductor went to Heaven.
 
You know the type.
 
Cheeks and nose red from the weather atop cars giving hand signals by day, Lamp at nite, and Violation of Rule G.
 
Chin touching nose as he had his dentures out.
 
Black arm bands for his sleeves when Writing Up his Train by oil lamp.
 
Chewed Copenhagen, with stains all over, to prove it.
 
Anyway, he arrives at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter ushers him in.
 
First thing he sees is another Old Koot sitting at a desk putting out Train Orders by phone, horn-type transmitter on his chest, and underscoring the Repeats coming in over the Speaker from the Telegraphers down the line.
 
The Old Conductor asks St. P. " Who the Hell is That??? "
 
St. P. replies ' Don't mind Him, Thats just God, He thinks He is a Train Dispatcher. "
 

Thank You.

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, April 29, 2019 12:30 PM

This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer.

The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.

The bear says, "What do I owe you?"

The bartender stops and thinks for a moment.

"Even though this bear is smart," thinks the bartender, "he probably hasn’t been in many bars."

So the bartender says, "That'll be ten dollars."

The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.

After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.

"You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."

The bear looks up from his beer and says, "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, April 29, 2019 12:19 PM

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, April 29, 2019 12:18 PM

Overmod
a dog comes when called in order to obey.  Cats come because they want to be with you.

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.

He then said, "Anything else?"

The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"

The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.

The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck.

The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."

The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."

========================================================

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

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Posted by Overmod on Sunday, April 28, 2019 10:59 PM

Paul of Covington
I recently heard that a study had determined that contrary to popular belief, cats do recognize their name.

I don't understand how there is any confusion.  My cats respond individually to their names, when called, including raising their head out of the feeding dish while the 'others' keep eating.

The difference is that a dog comes when called in order to obey.  Cats come because they want to be with you.

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Posted by tree68 on Sunday, April 28, 2019 10:05 PM

Phoebe Vet

Dark humor is a psychological coping mechanism to help protect themselves from the horror they are exposed to regularly.

Indeed.  "You wouldn't understand" is the standard disclaimer - and many people wouldn't...

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Sunday, April 28, 2019 9:44 PM

JPS1
Sounds like you may be owned by a cat or two.

   No, but I've always admired an independent spirit.

   I recently heard that a study had determined that contrary to popular belief, cats do recognize their name.   I guess they just choose not to respond.

__________

  Come here, Dog!

  Here I am!  Here I am!  pant, pant.

  What do you want?   What do you want?  pant, pant.

 

  Come here, Cat!

  ...........

  ...........

  Why?

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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