The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by York1 on Friday, September 4, 2020 4:00 PM

I picked up a hitch-hiker the other day.  He seemed like a nice guy.

After a few minutes, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer.

I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

York1 John       

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Posted by Overmod on Monday, August 31, 2020 12:28 AM

MikeInPlano
The best thing about that test is, when after several trials you do test positive, you don't care. Or perhaps that repeating it daily is also good prevention. 

158 proof alcohol is ideal denaturing strength for SARS-CoV-2.  Pretty close to Bacardi 161...

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Posted by MikeInPlano on Sunday, August 30, 2020 7:57 AM

Overmod

 

 
54light15
Overmod- I built both Hubley Duesenberg kits and I have to say, that mine are museum-worthy! Not bragging, they are impressive to everyone that sees them and mine are better than any others that I've ever seen.

 

I am again reminded of the oldSmile foamer line: "Pictures -- or it never happened."  Beauty is in the EYE of the beholder.  (And make it lots of detail beauty shots, in focus, with good saturation...)

 

Correction - beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, especially at last call. 

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Posted by MikeInPlano on Sunday, August 30, 2020 7:55 AM

mvlandsw
 
Do It Yourself (DIY) Covid-19 Test  . . . 
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid-19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it, then see if you can smell it.  If you can, then you are halfway there. 
Then drink it.  If you can taste it, then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom. 
I tested myself seven times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. 
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms. 
I'll report my results later. 
                            Tank yu Vary Mulch, sty heathy

 

 

The best thing about that test is, when after several trials you do test positive, you don't care. Or perhaps that repeating it daily is also good prevention. 

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Posted by ruderunner on Sunday, August 30, 2020 6:15 AM

saw this quote the other day...

 

There's 2 types of countries in this world,  

Those that have put man on the moon, 

And those that use the metric system. 

Modeling the Cleveland and Pittsburgh during the PennCentral era starting on the Cleveland lakefront and ending in Mingo junction

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Posted by mvlandsw on Friday, August 28, 2020 1:35 PM
 
Do It Yourself (DIY) Covid-19 Test  . . . 
A new and easy test for the horror of Covid-19 is making the rounds and it's simple, quick and positive (or negative if you see what I mean).
Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favorite whisky into it, then see if you can smell it.  If you can, then you are halfway there. 
Then drink it.  If you can taste it, then it is reasonable to assume you are currently free of the virus because the loss of the sense of smell and taste is a common symptom. 
I tested myself seven times last night and was virus free every time, thank goodness. 
I will have to test myself again today because I have developed a throbbing headache which can also be one of the symptoms. 
I'll report my results later. 
                            Tank yu Vary Mulch, sty heathy

 

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Posted by tree68 on Friday, August 28, 2020 11:48 AM

Paul Milenkovic
So they can Scandinavian...

Smile, Wink & Grin

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Posted by Paul Milenkovic on Friday, August 28, 2020 11:39 AM

Overmod

Most world navies put large numbers on their battleships, but Norway and Sweden have started using bar codes instead.  Why?

 

So they can scan the navy in without teaching the port master how to read?

If GM "killed the electric car", what am I doing standing next to an EV-1, a half a block from the WSOR tracks?
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Posted by tree68 on Friday, August 28, 2020 7:07 AM

It is a groaner...

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Posted by Overmod on Friday, August 28, 2020 5:06 AM

Leo_Ames
I saw that at another railfan forum, so I won't spoil it. :)

It takes a great deal of work to have the grammar work out right.  I'm betting Erik has the national heritage to figure it out...

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Posted by Leo_Ames on Friday, August 28, 2020 4:52 AM

I saw that at another railfan forum, so I won't spoil it. :)

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Posted by Overmod on Friday, August 28, 2020 3:25 AM

Most world navies put large numbers on their battleships, but Norway and Sweden have started using bar codes instead.  Why?

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Posted by Overmod on Thursday, August 27, 2020 11:47 AM

54light15
Overmod, that's brilliant!

I only improved the punchline slightly; the idea was from one of the guys in the aneutronic-fusion community, and I thought it was too good not to pass along.

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Posted by 54light15 on Thursday, August 27, 2020 9:29 AM

Overmod, that's brilliant! 

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Posted by Overmod on Thursday, August 27, 2020 5:54 AM

Don't you hate it when people bang on your door and then argue that you have to be 'saved' or else you'll burn?

I don't think there is any place for religion in the damn fire service!  Now leave me alone and let me get back to sleep...

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Wednesday, July 29, 2020 7:57 PM

zardoz
You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

But some folks think the plural of spouse is spice.

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, July 29, 2020 5:15 PM

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes. But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice, Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet, And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those, Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.

And the plural of cat is cats and not cose. We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say Mother, we never say Methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim, So English, I fancy you will all agree, Is the funniest language you ever did see.

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Saturday, June 20, 2020 5:23 PM

OM nailed it.

But I usually just say, "Because they want to."

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Posted by Overmod on Saturday, June 20, 2020 2:57 PM

Lithonia Operator
Do you know why Jewish men tend to die before their wives?

Because they so, so soooo want to.

In an alternative version: Because the Eternal is merciful.

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Posted by tree68 on Saturday, June 20, 2020 2:46 PM

Flintlock76
For something to be funny, it has to have a grain of truth to it!  

It's usually true for legends, too...

 

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Saturday, June 20, 2020 11:54 AM

think  I've heard it, coming from New Jersey as I do you hear everything, but I don't remember the punch-line.

As to "political correctness," just remember the old truism about jokes.  For something to be funny, it has to have a grain of truth to it!  

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Posted by Lithonia Operator on Saturday, June 20, 2020 11:20 AM

This is not exactly politically correct, but it was told to me by a Jewish friend.

Do you know why Jewish men tend to die before their wives?

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Posted by Flintlock76 on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 9:41 PM

This is a classic from the Soupy Sales joke book:

A flying saucer circles New York City and then lands in Central Park.  Everyone runs screaming in terror except for a tough Jewish cop who didn't scare easily.

He walks up to the saucer just as the ramp lowers and the little green men are coming out.  To his amazement, they're all wearing yarmulkes!

"Holy smoke!" he says to one, "Do all you guys wear yarmulkes?"

"No," says the alien, "Just the Orthodox!"

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Posted by Paul Milenkovic on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 7:03 PM

There is a wealthy man who never regularly attended services of the faith tradition in which he was raised let along contributed money comensurate with his wealth to support the congregation, but he approaches his faith leader and begs, "You have to help me, Most Reverend, I think my wife is trying to poison me."

"Why would you think a crazy idea like that?"  

"My wife was always telling me what I can and cannot eat in scolding tones, but lately, she has been feeding me cake every day and in a gentle voice encouraging me to partake of it.  Since then I have felt terrible -- headaches, terrible stomach cramps, I cannot think nor walk straight anymore, I think she is putting arsenic in the cake to slowly poison me!"

"Friend, your wife is offering you a kindness by serving you cake, and this is how you react?  This kind of thing only happens in movies of the kind you should not be watching anyway as they are morally corrosive."

"What do I do, I am at my wits end?  Please, please, I know I haven't attended services or support the congregation financially, but I that will change, but please help me!"

"OK, OK, I will meet with your wife to get her explanation that will certainly clear up this petty misunderstanding, and then I will report to you what I find."

A couple weeks later, the man meets with the spiritual leader who tells him, "Friend, eat the cake."

If GM "killed the electric car", what am I doing standing next to an EV-1, a half a block from the WSOR tracks?
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Posted by BaltACD on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 4:29 PM

As told by a Bot

zardoz
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 4:22 PM

The sun's rays illuminated the old barn as it was razed so a new one could be raised.

- PDN. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 4:11 PM

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 4:07 PM

 

  • The city landfill was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  • In the boat, a row erupted amongst the oarsmen about how to row.
  • The nurse wound the crepe bandage around the wound.
  • Dessie decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  • Chloe was too close to the door to close it.
  • When Ted saw the tear in the painting he shed a tear.
  • How can I intimate my thoughts to my most intimate friend?
  • Sherrie shed her shoes in the shed.
  • In terms of weight lead is in the lead.
  • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  • When the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
  • Why do our noses run but our feet smell?
  • I did not object to the object.
  • Freddie filled in his form by filling it out.
  • The market garden was designed to produce produce.
  • Why do performers recite a play, yet play at a recital?
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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, June 17, 2020 3:55 PM

54light15
this was on the Yahoo news feed. so it's political, I still think it's funny:

Excellent! You've re-inspired me.

We'll begin with a box and the plural is boxes.
But the plural of ox should be oxen, not oxes.

The one fowl is a goose but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may found a lone mouse or a whole set of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

 

If I speak of a foot and you show me your feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why should not the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural wouldn't be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats and not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say Mother, we never say Methren,
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine she, shis and shim,
So English, I fancy you will all agree,
Is the funniest language you ever did see.

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