The new and (not very) improved humor thread

[CNW 6000]

A man is getting changed in the locker room at his Gym after a workout.  The cell phone on the bench next to him rings so he answers it.
"Hello?"
"Hi Honey, guess what?" the woman who called asks.  "The fur coat I've had my eye on for some time now is on sale.  Would you mind if I picked it up"
"Not at all" he says.
"Also," she continues on "that Cadillac salesman called back.  The one we looked at the other day will finally be in.  Should I get it or are you still looking around?"
"Nope, let's splurge. Grab it!" he enthusiastically says.
"One last thing..." she paused "remember that beach house with the big porch we both adored?  Well it's back on the market but this time for $1.5M.  What do you want to do?"
He pauses and replies "Put in an offer at $1.4M and we'll see what happens!"
She shrieks with delight and hangs up and so does he, smiling.

He turns and looks at the now folded cell phone in his hand, holds it up and asks:
"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[zardoz]

Office dictionary entry: 

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing who's to blame for a missed deadline or a failed project.

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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

[vsmith]

Well at 547 pages I'm kinda not surprised it got locked.

Cool Now I get to recycle all my stupid jokes. starting with...

Arkansas Vasectomy:

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... :O

 

[Murphy Siding]

     Not a train story, but a true story:  When our oldest son was about 3, my wife had a bible study class that met at our house once a week.  That gave my son and I a chance to have a father-son night out.  We had gone to a Pizza Ranch for dinner .  At the pizza place, we were playing with my son's little, plastic tow truck, and having a good time.  At some point, the hook broke off the plastic tow truck, and Mr. 3 year old started to fret.  I did the dad thing, and told him we would fix it, or some other such thing.

     As we were standing at the cash register paying for our dinner, there was a large group of people waiting to be seated.  My son eagerly asked where we were going next.  I casually replied that we were going home.  Upon hearing that, he had a total melt-down, and screamed at the top of his lungs: "But DADDY!!!  YOU said we were  GOING  to  GET  a   HOOKER!!!

[Kootenay Central]

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[Deggesty]

Zardoz, how can you improve on the old thread?

At one time, the Erie Railroad was quite the butt of jokes because of its poor timekeeping. Two follow.

It was during a very tedious ride on the "Erie," and the passengers, tired, dirty and thirsty, all berated the company with the exception of one man. His fellow passeners commented on this, and asked why he did not denounce the compnay, too. "It would hardly be fair," he replied, "as I am traveling on a pass; but if they don't do better pretty soon, blame me if I don't go out and buy a ticket and join you."

A patriarch, who presented a half ticket for a ride between Suffern and Jersey City, was informed that he must pay full fare. He replied: "When I purchased the ticket before boarding this train I was entitled to the half-fare rate."

Johnny

[zardoz]

I was just made aware (thanks MurphySiding) that the (in)famous "Would you believe...a little humor" thread has been, after all these years, locked.

So, in an effort to continue this almost-tradition, I hereby present its replacement:

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I once heard a story about a railroad crew that befriended a monkey named Bobo. Where the monkey came from is not known.

The railroaders would play with Bobo and feed him and really treat him nice. In fact, they taught the monkey to give hand signals and pull pins; soon he was able to read a switch list.  Eventually they even taught him to run the engine. Soon Bobo got to be so good at it that the guys would let the monkey do their work while they went fishing.

One day the Trainmaster caught the guys fishing while Bobo was doing the work. All of the railroaders got fired on the spot. A couple of months later the railroaders got a letter from the company. It was a great flowery piece and reinstated all of the railroaders to their former positions with all back pay.

It was signed by Trainmaster Bobo.

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An elderly lady walked into a Toronto ticket office and asked for a ticket to New York. " Do you want to go by Buffalo?" inquired the ticket agent. "Certainly not!" she answered indignantly, " I want to go by TRAIN!"

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A rookie brakeman is out, late one night, on his first trip. The head brakeman tells him to set the brakes on a car, so he puts his lantern on the ground and climbs to the top of the car. "Hey," yells the head brakie, "what's the matter with you! You don't ever leave your lamp sitting on the ground," and he tosses the lantern up to the rookie.

Meanwhile, the engineer and the fireman are sitting in the nice, warm engine cab 30 cars away. The fireman calls the hogger over.  "You'll never believe what I just saw," he says. "That new brakeman stood flat footed on the ground, jumped straight up to the top of that boxcar; he even had his lantern with him!"