The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Monday, May 17, 2010 9:48 AM

Zardoz:

You forgot to credit Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe, who wrote that song in 1947.

Dave

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Monday, May 17, 2010 10:41 AM

zardoz
4 MDs and 4 PhDs are going to a meeting by train. . . . "How are you going to manage with just one ticket between the ten of you?" . . . so they purchase just one ticket among ten of them. . . .

Mischief   ?   ?   ?

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Posted by blue streak 1 on Monday, May 17, 2010 12:02 PM

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit?   Unique up on it.

2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?      Tame way.

3. How do crazy peole go through the Forest?      They take the Psycho Path.

4. How do you get Holy Water?                You boil the Hell out of it.

 

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Posted by spokyone on Tuesday, June 8, 2010 10:15 AM

How twins are made in the computer age.


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Posted by blue streak 1 on Tuesday, June 8, 2010 1:42 PM

blue streak 1

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit?   Unique up on it.

2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?      Tame way.

3. How do crazy peole go through the Forest?      They take the Psycho Path.

4. How do you get Holy Water?                You boil the Hell out of it.

 

5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?                 Dam!!

6. What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?      Polaroids.

7.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?             A stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?                             Nacho Cheese.

9. What do youcall Santa's helpers?                                            Subordinate Clauses.

10. What do you call 4 bullfighters in Quicksand?                    Quattro Sinko. 

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, June 9, 2010 8:26 AM

Phoebe Vet

Zardoz:

You forgot to credit Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe, who wrote that song in 1947.

Sir; to which 'song' do you refer?
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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, June 9, 2010 8:37 AM

Paul_D_North_Jr

zardoz
4 MDs and 4 PhDs are going to a meeting by train. . . . "How are you going to manage with just one ticket between the ten of you?" . . . so they purchase just one ticket among ten of them. . . .

Mischief   ?   ?   ?

I can't decide whether I should say that that was a test to see who was paying attention, or if I should just admit to not catching the error myself when I typed it.
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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Wednesday, June 9, 2010 9:08 AM

zardoz

Phoebe Vet

Zardoz:

You forgot to credit Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe, who wrote that song in 1947.

Sir; to which 'song' do you refer?

This one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYlJH81dSiw 

 

Dave

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Posted by Modelcar on Wednesday, June 9, 2010 9:26 AM

 

blue streak 1

blue streak 1

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit?   Unique up on it.

2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?      Tame way.

3. How do crazy peole go through the Forest?      They take the Psycho Path.

4. How do you get Holy Water?                You boil the Hell out of it.

 

5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?                 Dam!!

6. What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?      Polaroids.

7.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?             A stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?                             Nacho Cheese.

9. What do youcall Santa's helpers?                                            Subordinate Clauses.

10. What do you call 4 bullfighters in Quicksand?                    Quattro Sinko. 

How far can you go into the woods....

How long is a piece of string...

Quentin

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Posted by CShaveRR on Wednesday, June 9, 2010 3:24 PM
How Long is a Chinaman.

Carl

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Posted by Deggesty on Thursday, June 10, 2010 6:29 PM

Modelcar
How far can you go into the woods....

Half way.

Johnny

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Posted by blue streak 1 on Friday, June 11, 2010 8:40 AM

blue streak 1

blue streak 1

1. How do you catch a unique rabbit?   Unique up on it.

2. How do you catch a tame rabbit?      Tame way.

3. How do crazy peole go through the Forest?      They take the Psycho Path.

4. How do you get Holy Water?                You boil the Hell out of it.

 

5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?                 Dam!!

6. What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?      Polaroids.

7.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?             A stick.

8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours?                             Nacho Cheese.

9. What do youcall Santa's helpers?                                            Subordinate Clauses.

10. What do you call 4 bullfighters in Quicksand?                    Quattro Sinko. 

11.What do you get from a pampered cow?                                   Spoiled milk.

12.What do you get when you cross a vampire  with a snowman?  Frostbite.

13.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twiches?        A nervous wreck

14. Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?  Anyone can roast beef

15. Where do you find a dog with no legs?  Right where you left him. (maybe)

16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils?   Because they have big fingers.

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Posted by Dakguy201 on Monday, June 14, 2010 3:51 AM
From the newspaper:
 
Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 3 early Monday. The Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis,38, of Little Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog catching trip. 
 
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the 22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering- wheel column.  Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge. 


After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his n**s off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. 
 
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.
 
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!!
 
Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

 

 


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Posted by zardoz on Monday, June 14, 2010 9:34 AM

Q: How do you know when your staying in a Redneck hotel?
A: When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."

Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?
A: There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court?
A: "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."

Q: What do rednecks call "Hee Haw"?
A: A documentary.

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, June 14, 2010 9:40 AM

The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New York and is wisked away in a private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him drive.

The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters.

"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands.

"This is the chief, what's the problem?"

"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure what to do"

"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.

"Bigger than that" says the officer.

"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief.

"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.

"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"

"Bigger" say the officer.

"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.

"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the Pope!"

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, June 14, 2010 9:42 AM

Frank Purdue arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....'to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

"Well then," says Frank Purdue, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".

Finally, Frank Perdue says to the Pope,"Sir, this is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals. "I have good news, and I have bad news," he tells them.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion ... The bad news is that we're losing The Wonderbread Account"

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Monday, June 14, 2010 2:53 PM

Kinda sounds like the joke about the beautiful socialite and the old philosopher at a party . . . the conclusion to which is the philospoher saying "We've already established that - now I'm just trying to establish your 'best price' . . .  Wink  '. 

- Paul North. 

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Posted by CShaveRR on Monday, June 14, 2010 3:03 PM
And that puts me in mind of the socialite who had a distasteful encounter with some philosopher, professor, or someone like that (I've forgotten the name associated with this). His parting comment: "Madam, you have it wrong: I stink... You smell!"

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

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Posted by spokyone on Monday, June 14, 2010 3:32 PM

 Bessie Braddock to Churchill "Winston, your drunk!"
Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"

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Posted by Deggesty on Friday, June 18, 2010 9:50 PM

spokyone

 Bessie Braddock to Churchill "Winston, your drunk!"
Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"

And, Winston Churchill had an exchange with another lady (whose name I do not remember at the moment). She: "If you were my husband, I would put arsenic in your coffee." He: "If I were your husband, I would drink it."

Johnny

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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Saturday, June 19, 2010 5:17 AM
He didn't like the casserole,And he didn't like my cake:He said my biscuits were too hard,Not like his mother used to make. I didn't perk the coffee right;He didn't like the stew.I didn't mend his socks,The way his mother used to do. I pondered for an answer;I was looking for a clue:Then I turned and slapped him silly;

Like his mother used to do.

Dave

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Posted by dmoore74 on Sunday, July 25, 2010 11:17 AM

Owed To A Spell Chequer

 

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Posted by Anonymous on Sunday, July 25, 2010 4:22 PM
To dmoore74:  The Owed to a Spell Chequer is a gem.  But then, I love puns.
 
A favorite heard many years ago in a math class.
 
There was great rejoicing in a Southwest Indian tribe when three young maidens were chosen as mates by three handsome bucks.  And there was more rejoicing when sometime later the three squaws all gave birth on the same day.
 
The tribal elders were quite intrigued by the fact that the one who slept on a deer hide had a girl, the one who slept on the buffalo hide had a boy, but the one who slept on a hippopotamus hide had twins - a boy and a girl.
 
The elders immediately gathered in council and after due deliberation announced their findings:
 
The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides!
 
 (With apologies to Joe Pythagoras)
 
Art
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Posted by grampaw pettibone on Sunday, July 25, 2010 5:52 PM

Lowell Thomas was on live TV doing THIS IS YOUR LIFE, LOWELL THOMAS. One of the guests was an associate named Carlton. Thomas said "Carlton,  you're drunk."  Carlton replied "Not drunk enough," and walked off the set.

Tom

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Posted by dmoore74 on Tuesday, October 12, 2010 6:34 PM

The Ultimate Guy Toy

This is the only place I could think to put this:  http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/5/bobcat-log-splitter-723408.html  Better put on your list to Santa right away.

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, October 13, 2010 9:21 AM

There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"

The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".

The mathematician said "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."

The attorney stated "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."

The trader asked "Are you buying or selling?"

The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice "What would you like it to be?"

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, October 13, 2010 9:24 AM

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

 

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, October 13, 2010 9:27 AM

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I`ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, October 13, 2010 9:37 AM

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."

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Posted by Deggesty on Wednesday, October 13, 2010 9:30 PM

zardoz

Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."

 

I forwarded this to my wife (who does not really understand football; to her, it is simply two groups of men who line up opposite each other and then run into each other), telling her, "You may appreciate this one." She responded, "I do."

Johnny

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