The new and (not very) improved humor thread

100954 views
757 replies
1 rating 2 rating 3 rating 4 rating 5 rating
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,547 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, March 15, 2011 9:47 AM

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he mistreated and bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

  • Member since
    October 2006
  • From: Allentown, PA
  • 9,624 posts
Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Tuesday, March 15, 2011 10:21 AM
"Actually, that line from [the Principia Mathematica] is just a statement of intent to prove later that 1 + 1 = 2. The proof itself is found 373 pages later, in Vol. II, p.86.

It is followed by a comment: "The above proposition is occasionally useful." "
From:  http://forums.xkcd.com/viewtopic.php?f=17&t=11485 , post by ijmaxwell on Monday, September 10, 2007, about 2/3 of the way down the page)
- Paul North. 
"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Northern New York
  • 19,875 posts
Posted by tree68 on Saturday, March 19, 2011 12:50 PM

TEXTING FOR SENIORS 

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there  appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

          ATD: At The Doctor's

          BFF: Best Friend Fainted

          BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

          BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

          CBM: Covered By Medicare

          CGU: Can't get up

          CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

          DWI: Driving While Incontinent

          FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

          FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

          FYI: Found Your Insulin

          GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

          GHA: Got Heartburn Again

          HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

          IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

          LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

          LOL: Living On Lipitor

          LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

          OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

          OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

          ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

          TTYL: Talk To You Louder

          WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

          WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

          WTP: Where's The Prunes?

          WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

          GGLKI: (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In)

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

  • Member since
    June 2001
  • From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois
  • 13,379 posts
Posted by CShaveRR on Saturday, March 19, 2011 3:41 PM

After Monday and Tuesday, even my calendar says "WTF"!

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

  • Member since
    January 2010
  • 538 posts
Posted by WMNB4THRTL on Saturday, March 19, 2011 3:59 PM

LaughLaugh ROTFL, you two!!!

Nance-CCABW/LEI 

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown

  • Member since
    January 2010
  • 538 posts
Posted by WMNB4THRTL on Monday, March 21, 2011 8:41 PM


 
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
 
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
 
The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
 
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
 
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
 
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
 
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
 
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

 

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." 

Nance-CCABW/LEI 

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown

  • Member since
    August 2005
  • From: At the Crossroads of the West
  • 10,326 posts
Posted by Deggesty on Monday, March 21, 2011 10:57 PM

Careful Nance; how will you be at putting puzzles together when you reach her age?Smile

Johnny

  • Member since
    January 2010
  • 538 posts
Posted by WMNB4THRTL on Monday, March 21, 2011 11:16 PM

Uhm...Whistling  I don't know, but I just hope I don't try to do so with a box of Corn Flakes!!!

Nance-CCABW/LEI 

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown

  • Member since
    June 2001
  • From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois
  • 13,379 posts
Posted by CShaveRR on Tuesday, March 22, 2011 10:00 AM

I had the same problem when I tried to put together a picture of a tiger...

Grrr...

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

  • Member since
    January 2010
  • 538 posts
Posted by WMNB4THRTL on Tuesday, March 22, 2011 10:18 AM

Sounds like we'd all be better off to stick with our trains, and stay away from the animals! Wink

Nance-CCABW/LEI 

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Northern New York
  • 19,875 posts
Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, March 22, 2011 2:48 PM

A less-than-intelligent fellow (choose your own group) called buddy, all excited because he'd completed a jigsaw puzzle.  The buddy was less than impressed and inquired as to why this fellow was so excited.

"On the box it says 3 to 5 years, and I got it done in less than two weeks!"

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

  • Member since
    September 2010
  • From: Libertyville, IL
  • 372 posts
Posted by Mr. Railman on Tuesday, March 22, 2011 3:21 PM

Here's a joke that'll make you laugh sooooooooooo hard

 

 

Amtrak

  • Member since
    March 2003
  • From: Champaign, IL
  • 185 posts
Posted by DennisHeld on Tuesday, March 22, 2011 8:55 PM

Forgive me if this one has previously posted, but here goes:

 

Two blondes were walking in the woods.  When they came across a set of tracks.  The first one said, "Those are bear tracks!"  The second disagreed.  "Those are rabbit tracks!"  So, they followed the tracks arguing.  "Bear tracks!"  "Rabbit tracks!"   Just then a train runs them over.

  • Member since
    June 2001
  • From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois
  • 13,379 posts
Posted by CShaveRR on Sunday, March 27, 2011 7:13 PM

 The Arrogance of Authority


A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas.

He told the old rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there..."

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land!  No questions asked or answers given!  Have I made myself clear...do you understand?!"


The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.  With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...              


...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



"Your badge!  Show him your BADGE!"

 

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

  • Member since
    January 2010
  • 538 posts
Posted by WMNB4THRTL on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 8:56 AM

Why be difficult, when with just a little effort, you can be impossible? Smile, Wink & Grin

Nance-CCABW/LEI 

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown

  • Member since
    April 2007
  • From: Iowa
  • 3,043 posts
Posted by Semper Vaporo on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 10:11 AM

They say that nothing is impossible, but they are wrong; I've been doing it for years.

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

  • Member since
    September 2007
  • From: Charlotte, NC
  • 6,096 posts
Posted by Phoebe Vet on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 10:16 AM

They said it couldn't be done

   with a smile he went right to it

He tackled the job that couldn't be done

   and you know ?...            He couldn't do it!

Dave

Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow

  • Member since
    August 2005
  • From: At the Crossroads of the West
  • 10,326 posts
Posted by Deggesty on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 5:15 PM
Subject: FW: A Wise Old Fisherman

 


 
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.


The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'
 Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
 



'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'




With age comes wisdom.
   


  
 

 

Johnny

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,547 posts
Posted by zardoz on Thursday, March 31, 2011 7:34 AM

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,547 posts
Posted by zardoz on Thursday, March 31, 2011 2:03 PM

As a follow-up to TREE68's post, here are some more modern acronyms:

ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sex
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
BMW: Big Money Waste
BUICK: Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
CHEVROLET: Cracked Head, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
CHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle on Long Extended Trips
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
COMPUTER: Capable Of Making Perfectly Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous 
DELTA: Doesn't Even Leave The Airport
DELTA: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive
DODGE: Drips Oil, Drips Grease Everywhere
GMC: Gotta Mechanic Coming!
HONDA: Hold On, Not Done Accelerating!
SUBARU: Still Usable But All Rusty Underneath
TOYOTA: The One You Ought To Avoid
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

and my favorite: TLA: Three Letter Acronym

  • Member since
    April 2007
  • From: Iowa
  • 3,043 posts
Posted by Semper Vaporo on Thursday, March 31, 2011 2:08 PM

And my favourites:

 

ACRONYM: A Coded Rendition Of Names Yielding Meaning

ACRONYMS: A Coded Rendition Of Names Yielding Meaning Sometimes.

 

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

  • Member since
    January 2010
  • 538 posts
Posted by WMNB4THRTL on Thursday, March 31, 2011 2:10 PM

To add to the above:

FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily

FORD: Found On Road, Dead

FORD: Found On Russian Dump

Nance-CCABW/LEI 

“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers

Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Sunny (mostly) San Diego
  • 1,765 posts
Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Friday, April 1, 2011 12:46 PM

Aw. come on, how could you guys forget

FIAT:  Fix It Again, Tony

Of course, my all time favorite was the explanation for what the acronym version of my employer's name in the 1970's, one of the major motion picture film labs in Hollywood:

CFI:  "Can't Find It" --said to more than one customer (I was told) when they came to collect negatives or prints.  (Apparently dailies were a big problem in that regard, for some reason.)

  • Member since
    January 2001
  • From: MA
  • 513 posts
Posted by dmoore74 on Monday, April 18, 2011 6:23 PM
Would You Marry Again? - Priceless
  A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over 
at him and asks the question.... 

WIFE: 
"What 
would you do if I died? Would you get married 
Again?" 

HUSBAND: 

"Definitely not!" 

WIFE: 
"Why not? 
Don't you like being married?" 

HUSBAND: 
"Of 
course I do.." 

WIFE: 
"Then why 
wouldn't you remarry? " 

HUSBAND: 
"Okay, 
okay, I'd get married again." 

WIFE: 
"You 
would?" (with a hurt look) 

HUSBAND: 
(makes 
audible groan) 

WIFE: 
"Would 
you live in our house?" 

HUSBAND: 
"Sure, 
it's a great house.." 

WIFE: 
"Would 
you sleep with her in our bed?" 

HUSBAND: 
"Where 
else would we sleep?" 

WIFE: 
"Would 
you let her drive my car?" 

HUSBAND: 

"Probably, it is almost new.." 

WIFE: 
"Would 
you replace my pictures with hers?" 

HUSBAND: 
"That 
would seem like the proper thing to do." 

WIFE: 
"Would 
you give her my jewelry?" 

HUSBAND: 
"No, I'm 
sure she'd want her own." 

WIFE: 
"Would 
you take her golfing with you? 

HUSBAND: 
"Yes, 
those are always good times." 

WIFE: 
"Would 
she use my clubs? 

HUSBAND: 
"No, 
she's left-handed." 

WIFE: 
-- 
silence -- 

HUSBAND: 

$1****$2"
  • Member since
    June 2001
  • From: Lombard (west of Chicago), Illinois
  • 13,379 posts
Posted by CShaveRR on Tuesday, April 19, 2011 6:57 AM

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.   He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.  Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is dead Dead.


The driver feels so awful that  he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the road sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.


"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and killed him."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."  She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead  Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on him.


The  Easter Bunny  jumps up, waves a paw at the them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.


The man is astonished.  He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can?  What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...


 
(Are you ready for this?)

 

(Are you sure?)

 

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

 

(Last chance!)

 

(OK, here it is)

 

It says...

 

"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds a permanent wave."


Happy Easter!!!

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,547 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, April 19, 2011 8:54 AM

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,547 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, April 19, 2011 8:56 AM

How do you catch the Easter Bunny?
Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,547 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, April 19, 2011 9:00 AM

A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose.

Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?"

The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."

  • Member since
    May 2005
  • From: S.E. South Dakota
  • 12,315 posts
Posted by Murphy Siding on Tuesday, April 19, 2011 9:43 AM

      A woman was at the summer olympics.  As she walked through a crowded area, she bumped into a man carrying a pole.  She asked "are you a pole vaulter?"  Puzzed, he replied  " No, I'm a Norweigan,  but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

  • Member since
    October 2006
  • From: Allentown, PA
  • 9,624 posts
Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Tuesday, April 19, 2011 11:04 AM

Neighbor kids from Austria across the street want to drive that hot Chrysler car when they grow up - you know the one, a Dodge Wiper ! 

The "Pennsylvania Dutch" area guys I used to work with called the imported German car known often as a 'Beetle' a "Wolks- Vagen".  They could say it 3 times real fast without missing a beat, too . . .  Whistling

- Paul North. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)

Join our Community!

Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.

Search the Community

Newsletter Sign-Up

By signing up you may also receive occasional reader surveys and special offers from Trains magazine.Please view our privacy policy