The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by dmoore74 on Tuesday, October 26, 2010 9:36 AM

Happy Halloween

> A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... 
when behind him he hears:
>
>
> Bump... 
>
>
>
> BUMP...


> BUMP...
>

> Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

>
> BUMP...
>

> BUMP...
>

> BUMP...
>
>>
> Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him


> FASTER...
>

> FASTER...


>
> BUMP...
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>

BUMP...
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>

BUMP...
>

>
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> He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
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>

> However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
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>


> clappity-BUMP...

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> clappity-BUMP...
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> clappity-BUMP...
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> on his heels, the terrified man runs.


>
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> Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.  His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
>
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> With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
>
>
>
>

> Bumping and clapping toward him!
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> The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
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> Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
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> and,
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> (hopefully you're ready for this!!!)
>
>
>
>
>
> The coffin stops.


 

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Tuesday, October 26, 2010 11:47 PM
Ron was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Wednesday, October 27, 2010 5:37 AM

Laugh  Laugh  Thumbs Up  Thanks !

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by dmoore74 on Wednesday, October 27, 2010 5:45 PM

Happy Halloween!!

 

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

 
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

  "Master, Master!.....The Hills are  alive with the sound of music!"

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Posted by tree68 on Wednesday, October 27, 2010 6:15 PM

Dang - we need a g-r-o-a-n "smilie"....

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Wednesday, October 27, 2010 7:51 PM

Ick!  Agree - but something like this one'll have to do in the meantime . . .

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by dmoore74 on Thursday, October 28, 2010 2:04 PM

Prepare to groan again.

 

There lived a man who was very unhappy because he was deeply in love with a girl who didn't know he was alive. In desperation, he visited a coven of witches who lived nearby and presented his case before them.

 

Touched by his tale of woe, and impressed with the young man's appearance, manner, and bearing, they decided to help him. They worked their magic and eventually presented the young man with several small objects that looked like capsules. "Bury these under the window of your beloved under a full moon and she will love you," they instructed.

 

Doubtful, the young man resolved nevertheless to do as the witches instructed. On the very next full moon, he stealthily made his way over to his beloved's house and carefully buried the capsules in the rich loam beneath her window. Nothing happened right away, but, trusting the wisdom of the old ladies, he went home to see what the next day would bring.

 

The next morning, he walked hopefully over to the girl's house and rang her doorbell. She opened the door, saw it was him, and grabbed him. She hugged him, kissed him, and invited him in for lunch. Their courtship was short but passionate, and within a month they were happily married.

 

Late one night after they had been married, the young man visited the coven again. "I just want to thank you ladies for your help. My life is everything I could have desired."

 

"No problem, dearie," said one of the old ladies. "After all, nothing says lovin' like something from the coven, and pills buried says it best."

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Posted by dmoore74 on Friday, November 5, 2010 5:04 PM
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Posted by locomutt on Friday, November 5, 2010 5:30 PM

If I remember correctly, that was due to an earthquake; not sure I would call that one humorous.

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

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Posted by Deggesty on Friday, November 5, 2010 5:43 PM

Before reading Mutt's comment, I thought, "I wonder what the speed limit is." It really is amazing how much the rails seem to have stretched under the strain.

Johnny

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Friday, November 5, 2010 11:00 PM

dmoore74

 

Now that's just kinky!

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Friday, November 5, 2010 11:27 PM

That is the result of the earthquake in New Zealand in early September (6th or 7th).  When I first saw that particular image in a posting on another forum I didn't believe it.  The poster then provided other images and others found news reports about it and there were other images of the same damage from other angles.  I decided to try to figure out what the earth did to cause that particular kinking.  My best guess is that about 100-feet of track was compressed to a length of only about 90.5 feet.  It is remarkable that the track remained so flat.  Note how the ballast was just flung sideways at the peaks of the kinks.

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by Kootenay Central on Saturday, November 6, 2010 12:16 AM

 Thank You.

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Saturday, November 6, 2010 9:21 AM

     Test-  main page shows this thread as locked?

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by locomutt on Saturday, November 6, 2010 9:28 AM

Murphy Siding

     Test-  main page shows this thread as locked?

Not now; it was.

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

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Posted by Anonymous on Tuesday, November 16, 2010 11:54 AM

Cannibal Nbr. 1:  My wife has been disagreeing with me.

Cannibal Nbr. 2: Could be just the garlic or the onions, but here, have an antacid.

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Posted by Mr. Railman on Tuesday, November 16, 2010 12:21 PM

Good one. This one might not go under humor but it can relate to the subject.

Back in the 60s, the CTA had a little garden at their Kimball yard. Waterfowl and woodland critters would stop by the little slice of nature or make it their home. The employees would use the area as a BBQ type thing. unfortunately, it was removed when they did construction on the yard in the 70s 

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Posted by Ishmael on Tuesday, November 16, 2010 3:39 PM

Two grumpy old men are sitting on a bench in a waiting room in a railroad station.

One says, "I just bought a round trip ticket."

The other says, "Where to?"

The first says, Why right here, you fool!"

Baltimore and Ohio-America's First Railroad
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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 18, 2010 1:03 PM

And you thought your commuter train was crowded......

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=54403

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Thursday, November 18, 2010 4:53 PM

zardoz

And you thought your commuter train was crowded......

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=54403

 

That wasn't a typical railfan excursion?

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Posted by zardoz on Thursday, November 18, 2010 7:18 PM

ChuckCobleigh

 

 zardoz:

 

And you thought your commuter train was crowded......

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=54403

 

 

 

That wasn't a typical railfan excursion?

If so, it certainly was a tad overbooked.

I don't know how the engineer could see out the front window.

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Posted by tree68 on Friday, November 19, 2010 7:11 AM

zardoz
 I don't know how the engineer could see out the front window.

Who needs to see out the front?  The train'll stay on the rails, and you'll know when to stop when you get there.  I'm sure the frontriders will let you know if there's something in the way...Confused

LarryWhistling
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Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Friday, November 19, 2010 3:31 PM

zardoz
  And you thought your commuter train was crowded......

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=54403 

Mischief What the NJT trains to Penn Station NYC will look like in a few years, now that NJ Governor Chris Christie cancelled the ARC = 2 new tunnels under the Hudson River . . .

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by Deggesty on Friday, November 19, 2010 10:16 PM

Paul_D_North_Jr

 zardoz:
  And you thought your commuter train was crowded......

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=54403 

Mischief What the NJT trains to Penn Station NYC will look like in a few years, now that NJ Governor Chris Christie cancelled the ARC = 2 new tunnels under the Hudson River . . .

Yes, and what will the majority of the passengers do as the train approaches the Hudson River?

Johnny

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, November 20, 2010 8:14 AM

tree68

 

 zardoz:
 I don't know how the engineer could see out the front window.

 

 

 

Who needs to see out the front?  The train'll stay on the rails, and you'll know when to stop when you get there.  I'm sure the frontriders will let you know if there's something in the way...Confused

Yeah, when the 'frontriders' start bailing off at a high rate the visibility will improve just in time to see what you are about to hit.

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, November 20, 2010 8:17 AM

Design Engineers' Terminologies

 

  • A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
    We are still peeing in the wind.

     

  • EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
    We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

     

  • CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
    We know who to blame.

     

  • MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
    It works OK, but looks very hitech.

     

  • CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
    We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

     

  • PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
    The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

     

  • TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
    We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

     

  • THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
    The only person who understood the thing quit.

     

  • IT IS IN THE PROCESS
    It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

     

  • WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
    Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

     

  • PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
    Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

     

  • GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
    We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

     

  • GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
    I can't wait to hear this bull!

     

  • SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
    Come into my office, I'm lonely.

     

  • ALL NEW
    Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

     

  • RUGGED
    Too *** heavy to lift!

     

  • LIGHTWEIGHT
    Lighter than RUGGED.

     

  • YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
    One finally worked.

     

  • ENERGY SAVING
    Achieved when the power switch is off.

     

  • LOW MAINTENANCE
    Impossible to fix if broken

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, November 20, 2010 8:20 AM

"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player in a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?"

"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.

"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.

"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, November 20, 2010 8:25 AM

A little Bear is at his custody hearing. The judge asks Little Bear whom he wants to live with. "Well, I don't want to live with Mamma bear, she beats me. And I do not want to live with Papa Bear, he beats me too."

The Judge asks Little Bear if he has any relatives whom he likes. Little Bear says, "No. . .but I would feel safe with the Chicago Bears.....they don't beat anybody".

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, November 20, 2010 8:29 AM

The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, November 20, 2010 8:41 AM

The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New York and is wisked away in a private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him drive.

The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters.

"Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands.

"This is the chief, what's the problem?"

"Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure what to do"

"Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief.

"Bigger than that" says the officer.

"Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief.

"Bigger than the Governor" says the officer.

"Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?"

"Bigger" say the officer.

"Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed.

"Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the Pope!"

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