The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Wednesday, October 5, 2016 1:02 PM

      Over the weekend a pipe broke at our general office in a town 7 miles away, causing a big mess and some clean-up expenses.  There was about an inch of water on the floor when the break was discovered. None of the computers there were damaged, but our head bookkeeper noticed that some of their computer towers were sitting on the floor.  In a paranoid panic, Mr. Bookkeeper had someone at each of our locations cut some pieces of 2x8 lumber to put under all the company computers.

     Because of some cord being too short, my computer has always sat on top of an 8 inch cinder block. It’s hidden under a counter so it’s not really visible to the public.  While I was at lunch yesterday the guy with the 2x8 lumber came around and raised up all our computers.  Mine now has a piece of 2x8 between the cinder block and the computer.  The other guys have to worry about the water getting more than  1-1/2” deep. Not me, I can hold out until the water is 9-1/2” deep.

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by AMTK 281 on Wednesday, October 5, 2016 3:50 PM

A WPA foreman is overseeing a road construction project in the southwest, leaning on his shovel in typical fashion, when a snake bites him in the ankle. He exclaims, "Why you son of a gun, if I had another shovel, I'd cut your head off!"

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Posted by samfp1943 on Wednesday, October 5, 2016 7:17 PM

Murphy Siding wrote the following post[in part] [snipped] "...Because of some cord being too short, my computer has always sat on top of an 8 inch cinder block. It’s hidden under a counter so it’s not really visible to the public.  While I was at lunch yesterday the guy with the 2x8 lumber came around and raised up all our computers.  Mine now has a piece of 2x8 between the cinder block and the computer.  The other guys have to worry about the water getting more than  1-1/2” deep. Not me, I can hold out until the water is 9-1/2” deep..."

Floods are something that usually does not happen oit here in the South of Kansas...In the last 6 weeks or so we have had what amounts to 'our monsoon season' a 7" + rain folled int the next few days by about 4" or so. then another 7"+ rain within a couple of days....A comment from a local down by the Co-OP said "...WE haven't had , that much rain in the 35 years, I've lived here"   Since there was no need the City has let the brush grow up in the little draw that flows through town...THe culvert under BNSF has been altered by havinf the Railroad shove galvanized large diameter piple through its passages, and the flood washed a bunch of portable anhydrous tanks into the holes..the result was water back up in  middle of town to about 4' deep...Flooded several homes and offices, and the second one got the PODS that were being used to store the salvaged stuff from the first floods.

Believe me, Norris...You'd have gotten new office furniture, and a new computer! Mischief   OH, Yeah! The city Council is studying what to do,incase they get another flood. DunceBlindfoldLightningSnail

Sam

 

 


 

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Thursday, October 6, 2016 12:16 AM

Sam, your wet story reminds me of something my late father-in-law would say: "When you're up to your kiester in alligators, it's too late to think you should have drained the swamp."

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Thursday, October 6, 2016 9:34 AM

 

     I have an uncle who winters somewhere in southern Kansas.  He said it's flatter than a pancake there. He has camper with a little covered deck on it set up on his little piece of ground.  One night during an intense storm, his dog needed to go out, so my uncle got out of bed and opened the door for the dog.  The dog ran across the deck and jumped off the edge like he always did.  When he did, he made a big splash into the water. My uncle  turned on the outside  lights to find out that the river that had been a half mile away that morning was now a foot deep around his camper.

 

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Posted by BtrainBob on Thursday, October 6, 2016 1:08 PM

Alan Sherman on a more railroad themed song.   https://youtu.be/almHNoCGiYc

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Thursday, October 6, 2016 9:33 PM

BtrainBob

Alan Sherman on a more railroad themed song.

  https://youtu.be/almHNoCGiYc

 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by BaltACD on Thursday, October 6, 2016 10:04 PM

Paul_D_North_Jr
BtrainBob

Alan Sherman on a more railroad themed song.

  https://youtu.be/almHNoCGiYc

Definately a railroader - family in every terminal

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, October 8, 2016 1:00 PM

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Saturday, October 8, 2016 1:47 PM

If you want to have some fun... wait until late on Christmas Eve and then drive up to one of the 24hour gas stations and run in with a harried look on your face... maybe even muss your hair a bit.

Look all around when you get in the door and say, "Quick, I need a Christmas gift for my wife!"

Usually you will find a rack of motor oil near the front.  Grab a bottle of your favourite oil and say, "She likes" and name the color of the bottle,  "so she will like this!".  Take it to the checkout counter and buy it.  Leave with a big "relieved/satisfied" smile on your face.

The first time I did this, I really needed a quart of oil for a snow blower, but I have since done it just for the fun of it.

It worked best the first time I did it.  I fooled the pretty, young clerk, but not the fellow trying to chat her up and he explained to her what had happened as I walked out.  The other times, I have too hard a time keeping a straight face and the clerks catch on too easily.  Maybe you can do better.

 

Semper Vaporo

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Posted by wanswheel on Monday, October 31, 2016 11:48 AM

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Monday, October 31, 2016 2:07 PM

You sure that's not Santa?

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Posted by BaltACD on Monday, October 31, 2016 2:43 PM

Murphy Siding
You sure that's not Santa?

Santa, from Weight Watchers in civi's

NDG
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Posted by NDG on Friday, November 11, 2016 12:19 PM

 

FWIW.

"Nice to be up front on these new Diesels, ahead of all that SMOKE!!"

https://obscuretrainmovies.files.wordpress.com/2016/02/hd007.jpg

Thank You.

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Posted by RME on Friday, November 11, 2016 3:47 PM

NDG
"Nice to be up front on these new Diesels, ahead of all that SMOKE!!"

Isn't that the movie that had Alco FAs on the outside, but F-units on the inside? 

NDG
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Posted by NDG on Wednesday, November 16, 2016 10:22 PM

 

What did the Roundhouse Foreman say to the Engineer as he climbed aboard the RDC??

"This Budd's for You !"

Thank You.

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Posted by zardoz on Sunday, December 25, 2016 3:05 AM

While I was working as a store Santa, a boy asked me for an electric train set. “If you get your train,” I told him, “your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that all right?”

The boy became very quiet. So, moving the conversation along, 
I asked, “What else would you like Santa to bring you?”

He promptly replied, “Another train.”

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Posted by zardoz on Sunday, December 25, 2016 3:28 AM

On the first day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the second day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Two Happy Meals, and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Eleven pounds of butter, Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, My drive through gave to me: Twelve bags of Pepto, Eleven pounds of butter, Ten baked potatoes, Nine polish hot dogs, Eight bowls of chili, Seven pints of cole slaw, Six chocolate milkshakes, Five onion rings, Four Egg McMuffins, Three Biggie Fries, Two Happy Meals, And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese.

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Sunday, December 25, 2016 7:32 AM

How many pallbearers did it take to carry the casket on the 13th day?

Semper Vaporo

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RME
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Posted by RME on Sunday, December 25, 2016 11:03 AM

Semper Vaporo
How many pallbearers did it take to carry the casket on the 13th day?

One.  To drive the Letroporter.

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Sunday, December 25, 2016 11:26 AM

RME

 

 
Semper Vaporo
How many pallbearers did it take to carry the casket on the 13th day?

 

One.  To drive the Letroporter.

 

I dunno.  That sounded like a job for a Schnabel car set!

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Posted by pajrr on Monday, December 26, 2016 2:51 AM

In January when the credit card bills arrive that is known as a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Saturday, April 1, 2017 11:25 AM

Why are soldiers so tired on the 1st day of April?

 

 

Because they just finished a 31 day March!

Semper Vaporo

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Posted by wanswheel on Friday, April 7, 2017 10:11 AM

I was eighteen and available. My father said, "Enlist in the Navy."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because it's cleaner than the Army. In the Army, you'll be rolling around in mud."

Mud didn't sound good, so I went with Dad's advice. In those days, they gave you a pass to graduate. They called it a war diploma. Good thing, because without a war diploma I'd still be in high school.

Everyone was patriotic. I was patriotic, but I had a plan. I was an entertainer. Didn't matter that the only people I was entertaining were my friends. I'm telling you, I was an entertainer.

With Dad leading the way, I took the subway down to Grand Central Station, where there was a Navy recruiting center at the time. The doctor took my blood pressure. By the look on his face, I knew something was wrong.

Son,” he asked, “you feeling okay?”

“Feeling fine, sir.”

He took my blood pressure again. The needle went crazy. I looked at the doctor's expression and figured death was around the corner.

“Lie down, young man,” he ordered.

“Yes, sir.”

The needle started dancing all over my arm—and there was no music.

“You're staying overnight, son,” he said.

No one stayed overnight at the recruiting center—except me.

My father was upset. “Your mother will really be upset,” he said. “I'm going home to tell her.”

Next morning, the doctor told me I had hypertension. In layman's talk, that meant I was a wreck. But that didn't disqualify me. They must have been shorthanded. Go figure.

“I'm an entertainer,” I said to anyone who would listen.

“What kind of entertainer?” the doctor asked.

“Comic. I do impressions. I believe I belong in Special Services.”

No problem, sailor,” he said, stamping my papers. Bang! Bang! Bang! I'll never forget that sound.

Next thing I knew, I was on a train with the shades pulled down. The shades were for security reasons but, dummy that I was, I thought we were going to see a movie.

“I'm an entertainer,” I told the commanding officer. “Please send me to where I can entertain.”

“No problem,” he said, stamping my papers with that same Bang! Bang! Bang!

Four hours later, another officer came by with a pad. He asked me if I had special skills.

“Entertaining,” I said proudly. “I'm an entertainer.”

“No problem.” Again with the Bang! Bang! Bang!

Sampson, New York. Boot camp wasn't fun. Who wants to run around a snowy track in your underwear at five in the morning? Husky dogs couldn't take it.

“Put me in Special Services, please,” I begged my superiors.

“No problem.” here we go again. Bang! Bang! Bang!

Next thing I knew I was in the Philippines. The Japanese were on the attack. “You don't understand, sir,” I told my commanding officer. “I'm an entertainer. I do impressions.”

He looked at me, looked at my papers, picked up the stamp and came down with a Bang! Bang! Bang!

That night I was sitting with a 20-millimeter gun on a PT tender.

This couldn't be Special Services. My papers had been stamped, but the only Bang! Bang! Bang! I was hearing was the sound of planes dropping bombs.

Next day I was back cracking jokes. There were two Jewish boys aboard—me and, believe it or not, a guy louder than me: Irving.

Every Saturday morning while we were anchored in a harbor somewhere in the Philippines, a leaky old whaleboat came by and took me and Irving to worship with a rabbi on shore. That was fine, except that, with the whole crew watching, Irving kept yelling, “Come on, Rickles, the rabbi is waiting!” I felt like I was in the Exodus from Egypt.

http://navy.togetherweserved.com/usn/servlet/tws.webapp.WebApps?cmd=ShadowBoxProfile&type=Person&ID=338953

 

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Friday, April 7, 2017 11:34 AM

Ah, yes!  The famous Johnny Carson trip across the hall to the set of "CPO Sharkey" to confront Rickles about breaking his cigarette box, which he is holding in his left hand. Absolutely hilarious, it was.

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Posted by BaltACD on Friday, April 7, 2017 11:39 AM

Murphy's Real Laws:


1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

5. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.

6. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.

7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

8. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."

9. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

10. Despite the cost of living, it still remains popular?

11. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

12. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

13. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

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Posted by tree68 on Friday, April 7, 2017 1:29 PM

BaltACD
13. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

Probably on a motorcycle.  While doing a wheelie...

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There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by wanswheel on Friday, May 5, 2017 9:18 PM

 

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Posted by BaltACD on Friday, May 5, 2017 9:52 PM

wanswheel

The shame is - it was played as a joke at the time.  The US has come a long way since then and still has a long way to go.

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Friday, May 5, 2017 9:58 PM

BaltACD
The shame is - it was played as a joke at the time.  The US has come a long way since then and still has a long way to go.

So Gracie was a trailblazer for future candidates like Pat Paulson.  Whoda thunk?

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