The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Saturday, February 15, 2014 3:41 PM

   Your mind knows what it's looking at, but it still sees something else:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmyfhbAF0wU

_____________

My mind's made up.  Don't confuse me with the facts.

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Posted by zardoz on Sunday, February 16, 2014 5:26 PM

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?'

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

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Posted by tree68 on Sunday, February 16, 2014 6:43 PM

zardoz

"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?'

She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."

I had the same problem when I asked for maps....

LarryWhistling
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Posted by narig01 on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 1:36 AM
I will admit I stole this from someone.

A small joke.
Never trust atoms. They are known to make up everything.

Thx IGN
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Posted by gardendance on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 6:58 AM

Where's your mother?
She ain't home.
Where's your grammar?
She ain't home neither.

1. Always Avoid Alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren’t necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”
12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?
24. Never copy someone else’s work without giving them credit.
25. About sentence fragments.
26. Never use possessive's to indicate plural's.

Patrick Boylan

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Posted by daveklepper on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 7:14 AM

WOW!!!!

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Posted by Deggesty on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 10:40 AM

And, if you fear that you suffer from prolixity, keep your mouth shut, and nobody will ever suspect it.

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Posted by Overmod on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 10:42 AM

gardendance

Where's your mother?
She ain't home.
Where's your grammar?
She ain't home neither.

1. Always Avoid Alliteration. Always. ...

#27.  Eschew sesquipedalian obfuscation.

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Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 10:43 AM

Humility is a fleeting thing.  The moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

LarryWhistling
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Posted by Deggesty on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 12:01 PM

And the corollary: when you offer an opinion, you are not humble.

Johnny

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Posted by ACY Tom on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 12:02 PM
Gardendance: Many years ago, in a previous job, one of my duties was to proofread and edit documents. Over my desk hung a sign that said: ABSOLUTELY NO Redundancy, Unnecessary Repetition, Superfluity, or Extraneous Reiteration! NEVER NEVER NEVER!
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Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 1:24 PM

ACY
Gardendance: Many years ago, in a previous job, one of my duties was to proofread and edit documents. Over my desk hung a sign that said: ABSOLUTELY NO Redundancy, Unnecessary Repetition, Superfluity, or Extraneous Reiteration! NEVER NEVER NEVER!

You didn't work in the Department of Redundancy Department, did you?

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by ACY Tom on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 1:31 PM
Tree: Many, many, many times.
Tags: And often.
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Posted by Overmod on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 1:44 PM

tree68

ACY
Gardendance: Many years ago, in a previous job, one of my duties was to proofread and edit documents. Over my desk hung a sign that said: ABSOLUTELY NO Redundancy, Unnecessary Repetition, Superfluity, or Extraneous Reiteration! NEVER NEVER NEVER!

You didn't work in the Department of Redundancy Department, did you?

There is no 'Department of Redundancy' Department any more.  As with the other areas upon which the beneficial halo effect of political correctness has descended.  It's conducive to poor self-image and perception of worth to use the word 'redundant', with its connotations of unnecessary duplication.

It is now the department of robust operational response realization in operational contexts response department.  We champion the engineer's concept of redundancy -- a safeguard and an assurance, not the semantic equivalent of sesquipedalian obfuscation (q.v.)

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 2:04 PM

Overmod

tree68

ACY
Gardendance: Many years ago, in a previous job, one of my duties was to proofread and edit documents. Over my desk hung a sign that said: ABSOLUTELY NO Redundancy, Unnecessary Repetition, Superfluity, or Extraneous Reiteration! NEVER NEVER NEVER!

You didn't work in the Department of Redundancy Department, did you?

There is no 'Department of Redundancy' Department any more.  As with the other areas upon which the beneficial halo effect of political correctness has descended.  It's conducive to poor self-image and perception of worth to use the word 'redundant', with its connotations of unnecessary duplication.

It is now the department of robust operational response realization in operational contexts response department.  We champion the engineer's concept of redundancy -- a safeguard and an assurance, not the semantic equivalent of sesquipedalian obfuscation (q.v.)

 

Uh....  Ummmm.... Yeah, what he said!

 

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by ACY Tom on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 3:49 PM
I think I have to take a break. My head is full.
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Posted by Murphy Siding on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 4:42 PM

       In church Sunday, our priest was talking about the annual parish fundraising appeal.  He said that this year's goal was 100% participation- from everyone!  I thought "Surely, you can't be serious" about using a phrase like that.

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by ACY Tom on Tuesday, March 4, 2014 10:40 PM
The preacher was encouraging the flock to exceed last year's donations for the building fund. He said, "Mr. and Mrs. Simpkins increased their donation compared with last year's. Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson upped theirs. Mr. and Mrs. Bailey upped theirs. So up yours!"
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Posted by narig01 on Wednesday, March 5, 2014 8:47 AM
From the bottom of my DD214. " Do not abbreviate."

Rgds IGN
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Posted by narig01 on Wednesday, March 5, 2014 8:48 AM
Let me retry the above

From the bottom if my DD 214. " Do not abrev. "

Rgds IGN
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Posted by Murphy Siding on Wednesday, March 5, 2014 10:01 AM

ACY
The preacher was encouraging the flock to exceed last year's donations for the building fund. He said, "Mr. and Mrs. Simpkins increased their donation compared with last year's. Mr. and Mrs. Wilkerson upped theirs. Mr. and Mrs. Bailey upped theirs. So up yours!"

    Where my wife was a church secretary, the minister would have a yearly sermon about why it was important to increase giving, in order  to cover all the costs involved in a running a church.  Each year, at the end of his sermon, a well known member- who thought  quite highly of himself and his image- would leap up, and enthusiastically proclaim that he would double his pledge from the year before.  The congregation always applauded him.  Those that new the reality- that he gave ZERO each and every year did not.

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by Overmod on Wednesday, March 5, 2014 10:48 AM

narig01
From the bottom of my DD 214. " Do not abbrev. "

As an interesting note:  The I-9 form, one of the most important of the Government forms concerning employment, recently had the number of pages increase.

The reason for the increase is the inclusion of a mandated reference to a Government paperwork-reduction program. 

If you don't believe me, download the .pdf from USCIS and see...

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Posted by Deggesty on Wednesday, March 5, 2014 11:07 AM

The government has reduced paper consumption--from its stock. Except for my 1040ES, I have to provide all the paper for both IRS and state income tax returns. And, I have to provide the paper for the estimated tax this year, since someone does not understand that when a man has reported that his wife  has died he is to receive the form--and the form for this year was addressed to my wife, who died almost two years ago. I even had a copy of the death certificate sent to these people last year.

Let us laugh at the inefficiencies of government.

Johnny

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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Wednesday, March 5, 2014 12:01 PM

narig01
Let me retry the above

From the bottom if my DD 214. " Do not abrev. "

Rgds IGN

A quick question:

How many of our younger members, born after 1960, don't know what a DD214 is?

Dave

Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Wednesday, March 5, 2014 12:04 PM

Phoebe Vet

narig01
Let me retry the above

From the bottom if my DD 214. " Do not abrev. "

Rgds IGN

A quick question:

How many of our younger members, born after 1960, don't know what a DD214 is?

   According to the description given, I'm not one of the younger members, having been born during 1960.... I do not know what a DD214 is.

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Wednesday, March 5, 2014 12:09 PM

In my age group, almost every male served in the armed forces.  People your age did not.  The DD214 is the declaration that you are separated from active service even though you may not actually be discharged.

The DD Form 214, Certificate of Release or Discharge from Active Duty.

Dave

Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow

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Posted by matthewsaggie on Sunday, March 9, 2014 7:38 PM

I was not drafted but still have my draft card. I was 1A, but lucky. Never even applied for a deferment. Who out there still has their pre-volunteer army draft card?

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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Sunday, March 9, 2014 8:34 PM

matthewsaggie

I was not drafted but still have my draft card. I was 1A, but lucky. Never even applied for a deferment. Who out there still has their pre-volunteer army draft card?

I was not drafted, either.  Like both of my younger brothers, I volunteered.  I don't have my draft card, but I still have my DD214.

Dave

Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow

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Posted by tree68 on Sunday, March 9, 2014 10:42 PM

matthewsaggie

I was not drafted but still have my draft card. I was 1A, but lucky. Never even applied for a deferment. Who out there still has their pre-volunteer army draft card?

I enlisted in the Air Force in 1968 and entered active service while I was still 17.  Unlike most guys of my generation, I never had a draft card - I never had to register.

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Monday, March 10, 2014 10:33 AM

matthewsaggie

I was not drafted but still have my draft card. I was 1A, but lucky. Never even applied for a deferment. Who out there still has their pre-volunteer army draft card?

   Don't have the card but I still remember my draft card number as well as my army serial number.

_____________

My mind's made up.  Don't confuse me with the facts.

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