The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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Posted by wanswheel on Saturday, March 29, 2014 2:36 AM
I was drafted, then swore an oath at Fort Hamilton, then boarded a train at Penn Station. http://www.britishpathe.com/video/news-from-usa-tubular-train/query/USA+train
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Posted by Deggesty on Saturday, March 29, 2014 9:00 AM

Back in 1968, I thought I was going to ride this train from Baltimore to Washington; imagine my dismay when only "standard" cars were on the train when it arrived in Baltimore.

Johnny

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Posted by wanswheel on Saturday, March 29, 2014 12:28 PM
Johnny, it’s tube bad your train arrived in standard fashion. - Mike http://www.britishpathe.com/video/washington-train-smash-aka-u-s-train-wreck/query/USA+train+washington
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Posted by dmoore74 on Monday, March 31, 2014 3:30 PM

Healthy Eating

A Doctor who was addressing a large audience said "The material we put into our stomach is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

"Red meat is awful.  Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.  But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.  Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Friday, May 16, 2014 1:20 PM

A woman from the ASPCA sees on old prospector trying to get his mule to move.  He is whipping the poor animal, kicking it, jerking it by the bridle and cussin' up a storm.  But, the mule is just not budging, so he kicks it some more and is beating on it with his fists.

The woman can't stand it, so she goes over and grabs the man by the collar and turns him away from the poor mule.  "How dare you treat this beast of burden in such a way!  It is just a poor animal and you have no right to be abusing it thusly!" she shouts at him.

The man is totally taken aback, and just stands there in shock as she berates him and his behavior.

"You should treat this animal with kindness and with calm demeanor.  You should not be shouting at it like this.  You should only need to ask it to do what you want, not beat it so."

She apparently has an affect on him and he begins to scrape his foot on the ground, hanging his head in shame and nods in agreement as she continues to rail at him.

When she finally stops to catch her breath, he stammers out, "Yes, you are right; Bessy and I have been partners for many years and I have not been treating her right.  I have been cruel to her.  I vow, here and now, to begin to treat her right.  I am ashamed of my actions and I will, from now on, only ask her to do what I need!"

The woman smiles at him and says she is proud that he has had a change of heart.

The old prospector then turns back to his mule, picks up a 2x4 board and wallops it over the head, breaking the 2x4 in two.

The woman is aghast! "How dare you?  You said you were going to be kind to your mule and treat her well."

The old prospector says, "Yes, I will... I was just getting her attention so I could ask her to get off my foot!"

 

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Saturday, May 17, 2014 9:02 AM

As an old Tennessean friend used to tell me: "First, you gotta be smarter than the mule . . . ".  Smile, Wink & Grin  (R.I.P., Wally Vance). 

Mischief  Interesting how the woman was treating the prospector in much the same way as she was reprimanding him for treating the mule !

- Paul North. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by Deggesty on Saturday, May 17, 2014 10:34 AM

And, sometimes the mule is smarter than the driver. Fifty-five years ago, I was at a country church, talking with one of the older members. He told me of an event that took place when the centennial of the church was celebrated, fifty-six years earlier.

When people were leaving for their homes, one mule did not want to leave. So the owner built a fire under the mule to get him started; the mule started, and stopped when he was safely away from the fire--but the wagon was right over the fire; by then, the fire was burning so well that it caught the wagon on fire and, before anybody could take action, the wagon was burned up.

I understand that if you are buying a mule from someone you do not know well you should look for fire marks on the mule's underside.

Johnny

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Posted by blue streak 1 on Sunday, May 18, 2014 4:57 PM

An oxymoron ---------  The Russian bureau of comedy ?

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, May 24, 2014 3:38 PM

I found a few old jokes buried in my old computer. Some of the references are so dated that some of you youngsters might not understand....


For better of for worse, here are a few of them:



Viruses To Watch Out For

 

1. Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

 2. Lorena Bobbit Virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

 3. Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

 4. Paul Revere Virus: warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

 5. Hillary Rodham Clinton: Virus Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

 6. Ollie North Virus: Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.

 7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

 8. Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

 9. Jane Fonda Virus: Attacks your hard drive's FAT.

 10. Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

 11. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

 12. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

 13. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

 14. Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

 15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

 16. Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

 17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

 18. Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your computer (affects Apples only!).

 19. Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

 20. Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

 21. Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

 22. PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

 23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

 24. LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

 25. O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did.

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, May 24, 2014 3:42 PM

A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs.

 

She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

 

As you shall make your bed so shall you………………………………….mess it up.

Better to be safe than……………………………………………..punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the…………………………………………………………….bug is close.

It's always darkest before………………………………………daylight savings time.

You can lead a horse to water but………..........................................................how?

Don't bite the hand that……………………………………………………..looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a……………………………………………………………Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new……………………………………………….math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll…………………………….stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the…………………………………………………...pigs.

An idle mind is…………………………………………………..the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's……………………………………………..pollution.

Happy is the bride who……………………...………………….gets all the presents.

A penny saved is…………………………………………………………..not much.

Two's company, three's……………………………………………the musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….you have to blow your nose.

Children should be seen and not………………………….spanked or grounded.

When the blind leadeth the blind………………………………...get out of the way. 

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Posted by zardoz on Saturday, May 24, 2014 3:46 PM

REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS

 

BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods

BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern

BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick

BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps

CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in

TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker

CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited

DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers

DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer

FAX - What you lie about to the IRS

HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos

INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere

MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers

MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live

NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast

SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, July 7, 2014 3:45 PM

A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers were taking a train to attend a joint 
conference.  Each of the mathematicians had a ticket, but only one of the engineers did. The mathematicians were snickering about this when one of the engineers returned to the car and shouted, "Conductor's coming!"

All of the engineers hurried back and crammed into a restroom, and when the conductor came by, he knocked on the door and said,"Ticket please."  The engineer with the ticket passed it under the door, and the conductor punched it and returned it.  After the conductor left, all the engineers came piling out, and the mathematicians sat there in amazement.

On the return trip the mathematicians decided to do the same thing, so they only purchased one ticket amongst them. This time, none of the engineers had a ticket.  The mathematicians were snickering again, when an engineer ran in the car and said "Conductor's coming."  All of the mathematicians piled into one restroom and all of the engineers into another.  

The last engineer in knocked on the restroom of mathematicians and said, "Ticket, please." He then took the ticket and joined the rest of the engineers.

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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, July 14, 2014 3:24 PM

I'm sure that we all know that old soldiers never die, they just fade away.

However, upholsterers never die; they always recover.

Johnny

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, July 15, 2014 6:54 AM

Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes?" 

Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.

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Posted by ChuckCobleigh on Wednesday, July 16, 2014 12:56 AM

zardoz

Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes?" 

Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.

Cogito, ergo zoom!

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Posted by gardendance on Wednesday, July 16, 2014 4:34 AM

Cogito ergo potato, I think therefore I yam.

Patrick Boylan

Free yacht rides, 27' sailboat, zip code 19114 Delaware River, get great Delair bridge photos from the river. Send me a private message

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Posted by Deggesty on Wednesday, July 16, 2014 4:21 PM

Conversation in a bench seat (this definitely dates the conversation):

Sweet Young Thing: Can't you use both hands?

Young Man: No, I need one to drive with.

Johnny

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Posted by narig01 on Sunday, March 29, 2015 2:45 PM
It has been a while since anything was posted here. My shot. The FRED, Federal Rear End Device is the butt of many jokes. Thx IGN
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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Sunday, March 29, 2015 3:39 PM

Warning - for mature members only:

From a restroom wall:

Mischief Vidi, vici, veni . . . Smile, Wink & Grin

I figure it's naughty only if you understand it (Latin in this case). - PDN. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by Norm48327 on Sunday, March 29, 2015 4:16 PM

Paul_D_North_Jr

Warning - for mature members only:

From a restroom wall:

Mischief Vidi, vici, veni . . . Smile, Wink & Grin

I figure it's naughty only if you understand it (Latin in this case). - PDN. 

 

Tsk, tsk,tsk. Yes I understand. Nice rearrangement of the saying. Bow

Norm


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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Sunday, March 29, 2015 4:52 PM

Paul_D_North_Jr

Warning - for mature members only:

From a restroom wall:

Mischief Vidi, vici, veni . . . Smile, Wink & Grin

I figure it's naughty only if you understand it (Latin in this case). - PDN. 

It's not possible to attend Catholic school without learning Latin.

Dave

Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow

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Posted by wanswheel on Sunday, March 29, 2015 5:42 PM
In 1934, Commodore Vanderbilt’s great-great-granddaughter was the object of a custody battle. She wasn’t feeling well but she had to travel. Daily News headline: Sick Gloria In Transit Monday.
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Posted by Paul of Covington on Sunday, March 29, 2015 7:04 PM

   I've been meaning to add this one for some time now, but I've been busy procrastinating:

  God told man that good and obedient wives were to be found in all corners of the world.   Then He made the world round and laughed and laughed.

_____________

   "A stranger is just a friend you ain't met yet."  ___ Dave Gardner

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Sunday, March 29, 2015 7:51 PM

"Head for the roundhouse, Nellie - they can't corner you there !"

(oft-quoted by my father, who probably got it from some old-time radio show, I believe - see, for example:)

https://www.pioneerdrama.com/SearchDetail.asp?pc=RUNTOTHERO 

http://www.amazon.com/Run-For-Round-House-Nellie/dp/B003HZGX8S (Peggy Lee ?) 

https://www.facebook.com/RuntotheRoundhouseNellie 

http://sidetracked-charley.blogspot.com/2011/01/head-for-round-house-nellie.html (good photo of one)

- Paul North. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Sunday, March 29, 2015 7:57 PM
"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by Murphy Siding on Sunday, March 29, 2015 8:24 PM

Paul_D_North_Jr

"Head for the roundhouse, Nellie - they can't corner you there !"

- Paul North. 

 

 That ranks right up there with "Get off the stove Grandma, you're too old to ride the range!".

Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by gardendance on Sunday, March 29, 2015 9:40 PM

Man said to God, what's a million years to you?

God said a minute.

Man said to God, what's a million dollars to you?

God said a penny.

Man said to God, give to me a million dollars.

and God said, sure, in a minute.

Patrick Boylan

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Posted by ricktrains4824 on Tuesday, March 31, 2015 12:02 PM

Three girls got the idea to rob a bank, and they almost got away with it, but the police were hot on their trail. They decided to hide in an old barn, and then run after the police left. When the police came into the barn, they had hidden in three old potato sacks. The police decided to check the sacks by tapping them with their batons. The first sack held a brunette, and, thinking quickly, she barked and growled. The police moved to the next sack, and, thinking quickly, the red head meowed and hissed. Then the police checked the last sack, and the three got caught. The third sack had the blonde hiding in it. When the police officer tapped it with his baton, the blonde, thinking quickly..........

 

 

 

 

shouted.........

 

 

POTATOES!

Ricky W.

HO scale Proto-freelancer.

My Railroad rules:

1: It's my railroad, my rules.

2: It's for having fun and enjoyment.

3: Any objections, consult above rules.

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Posted by gardendance on Tuesday, March 31, 2015 12:06 PM

Being prim and proper the ladies did not send a note telling to get the cows serviced, they just wrote "comfortable".

Punchline explanation available on request.

Patrick Boylan

Free yacht rides, 27' sailboat, zip code 19114 Delaware River, get great Delair bridge photos from the river. Send me a private message

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, April 3, 2015 3:00 PM

Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"

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