The new and (not very) improved humor thread

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  • Member since
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  • From: MA
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Posted by dmoore74 on Tuesday, December 4, 2012 8:48 AM

Semper Vaporo

Friend of mine says the joke is not complete...

The wife replied, :"Tthat's ok, I already bought that necklace anyway...so just go ahead and have another drink, dear".

Sounds like the woman who always wants to get in the last word.

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Tuesday, December 4, 2012 8:45 PM
Public transportation notice:
 
"When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.
 
If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.”
 
— Unknown

From: http://www.blcompanies.com/services/transportation.php 

- Paul North. 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
  • Member since
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Posted by CShaveRR on Tuesday, December 11, 2012 8:19 PM

 Christmas At Rock-Away Rest


'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,

and all of us seniors were looking our best.

Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;

Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.


A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope

That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.

We surely were lucky to be there with friends,

Secure in this residence and in our Depends.


Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,

Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.

The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,

And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.


The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,

Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.

Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --

Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.


Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair,
In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
(But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter).

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor.
'Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social- security checks had arrived.
We sang--how we sang!--in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!

Author Unknown
 

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by zardoz on Sunday, January 13, 2013 4:36 PM

A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "

He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

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Posted by vsmith on Friday, February 1, 2013 10:41 AM
Dang, as I feared..all the good band names are already taken:

\Here is a collection of Funny Band Names you might encounter.
Imagine driving by a nightclub and seeing a sign with the words... 
"TONIGHT, LIVE ONSTAGE"
      band name    .
A

A Band Named Bob
A Box of Fish with Tartar Sauce 
A Boy Named Gomer 
A Cat Born In An Oven Isn't A Cake 
Above Average Weight Band 
Abracadaver
Abstract *** Brigade
Actual Size
Adickdid 
Adios Pantalones
Admiral Poopy Pants and His Dancing Teeth
Adult Children of Heterosexuals 
Adventures in Shrubbery
The Advil Monkey
Aerosol Methods
Afghanistan Banana Stand
Afraid Of Figs
Afrodiziac
Agnes Morehead
Aha, the Attack of the Green Slime Beast 
The Al Roker Death Cult Wind Ensemble
Al's Heimers
Albino Toilet Boys 
Alcoholics Unanimous
Alcoholocaust
Alien Ant Farm
Alien Nymphos from Uranus
The Alien Puppets
Alien Sex Fiend 
All You Can Eat
Almighty Lumberjacks of Death
The Amazing Embarrasonic Human Karaoke Machine
Amish Meth Lab
Amputatoe
Amputease
The Anally Devoted Husbands
Anal Speech Therapy
An Emotional Fish
The Andriod Sisters
Angry Amputees
Angry Salad
Angry Samoans 
Anus the Menace
Apocolypse Hoboken 
Are These My Pants?
Armani Death Machine
Armed and Hammered
Armpit
Army of Prawns
The Arrogant Worms
Arthur Loves Plastic 
Ashtray Boy
The Atomic Bitchwax
Automatic Daffodils
Attila The Stockbroker
Attractive Eighties Women
Avenging Lawnmowers of Justice
Ayatollah Mama Please

B

Badical Turbo Radness
The Bad Livers 
Bad Mutha Goose
Bad Tequila Experience
Baldilocks
Ball Point Banana
Baloney Ponys
The Bambi Molesters
Bananafishbones
The Band Formerly Known As Sausage
Band Over
Band That Shot Liberty Valence
Barbie Bones
Barefoot Hockey Goalie
Barenaked Ladies
Barf
Barnyard ***
Barry White Boys 
Barstool Prophets
Bassholes 
BBQ Platypus
Bearded Itchy Lover 
Beats the Hell Out of Me 
Beatnik Termites
Beef Masters 
Beerbellied Scum From Central Bucks County
The Bendy Monsters 
Ben Dover and the Screamers
Ben Wa and the Blue Balls
Bernie the Trailer Park Queen and the Deadbeat Dads
Bertha's Mule 
Betty Ford
Betty's Not a Vitamin
Beverley Beer Bellies
Biff Hitler and the Violent Mood Swings
Big Ass Truck
Big Balls and the Great White Idiot 
Big Dead Fish
Big Fat Pet Clams From Outer Space
Big Fish Ensemble
Big Head Cat
Big White Undies
The Biggest Freak in New Jersey
Bimbo Toolshed
Bionic Roomate
The Bisquit ***
Bitter Enemies/Butter Enemas 
Bizzare Czars
Bjorn Again
Black Moth Super Rainbow
Bleeding Rectum 
Bloated ***
Bloated Tick
Blood Sledge Electric Death Chickens
Bloody Death From Outer Space
Bloody Stools
Blueballs Deluxe 
Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggits
Body Falling Down Stairs
Boiled Angel
Bondage A Go Go
Bonerama
Bongo Sherbet and the Electrified Yeti Wobblers
Bongzilla 
Bordering On Retarded 
Boris the Sprinkler
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
BowWowWowHaus 
Brady Bunch Lawnmower Massacre
Brad Pitt Live and Nude
The Brian Jonestown Massacre
The Britney Spearchuckers
Broadzilla
Brutal Juice
Brutal Noodle
Buck Naked and the Bare Bottom Boys
Bullwinkel Gandhi
Buck Satan and the 666 Shooters
Buddy Wasisname and the Other Fellas
Bulimia Banquet 
The Bumpin' Uglies
The Bourbon Tabernacle Choir
Burger Pimp
Bus Station Loonies
Busted Rubbers
Buster Hymen & the Penetrators
Butt Trumpett
Butthole Surfers

C

The Callous Taoboys
Caltransvestites 
Candy Striper Death Orgy 
Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers 
Captain Cardiac and the Coronaries
Captain Drinking Binge 
Cardiac Zach and the Defibulators
Carter the Unstoppable Sexmachine 
Caucasian Invasion
Chain Smokin' Alter Boys
The Charging Tyrannosaurus of Despair
Cheap Mike & the Feedbacks
Cherry Coke Enema
Cherry Poppin' Daddies
Chia Pet
The Chicken Charmers 
Chickens On Smack
Chief Brody & the Bigger Boat
Children of the Vending Machine
Chocolate Bunnies From Hell
Chocolate Watchband
Choosy Mom's Funky Dance Carnival
Clive Pig and the Hopeful Chinamen 
Cobaine's Brains
Colon On The Cob
Colostomy Grab-Bag 
Compulsive Gamblers
Concrete Octopus
Cookie Mould and the Smegmettes 
The Couch Slugs
The Crab Cometh Forth
Crappy the Clown and the Punch Drunk Monkies
Crazy Taco Cafeteria
Crazy Uncle Larry and his Troupe of Molotov Cocktail Jugglers
Crispy Ambulance
Crocheted Doughnut Ring
Crosseyed Chicken
Cultivated Bimbo
The Cunning Runts
Curious George and the Homophobes
Curl Up And Die
Cycle Sluts From Hell

D

Dairy Queen Empire
The Dairy Queens
Dali's Car
*** the Bad Luck 
Dancing Cigarettes
The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
Danger Wank
David Devant & His Spirit Wife
Dead Alcoholics with Boners
Dead Fish Prophecy 
Dead Kennedys
Dead Milkmen
The Dead Pants (Die Toten Hosen)
Debbie Harry's Armpit Crew
Deepthroat Shotgun
Demolition String Band
Dick Cheese and the Crackers 
Dick Davis and the Dicktones
Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles
Dick Donkeys Dawn 
Dick Duck and the Dorks
Dick Nibbler's All-star Weenie Roast
The Dick Nixons 
Dicky Retardo 
Dicks on Fire
Did Lee Squat? 
Diesel Dick and the Dipsticks
Dirt Clod Fight 
Disgruntled Postal Workers 
Dog Food Five 
Dogs With Jobs 
Domino's Delivery Boyz
Don Knotts Overdrive 
Doris Daze
Doug and the Slugs
Dow Jones and the Industrials
Downy Mildew 
Dracula Milk Toast 
Drag King
Dragmules 
Draw Your Own Cow
Dreaded Apparatus 
Drew Barrymore's Dealer
Drive By Crucifixion 
Drive-In Funeral 
Drunks With Guns 
Drunken Ugly Basement Brothers
Duckbutter
Dukes of Hazardous Material
Dumpster Juice 

E

e. coli
Earthpig and Fire
Ear Wacks
Edith Head 
Ed Gein's Car 
Ed's Redeeming Qualities
Elastic Sausage 
Electric Al and the Poison Dart Frog McNuggets
Electric Blue Peggy Sue and the Revolutionions from Mars
Elegant Doormats
Elizabeth Taylor's Husbands
The Elvis Diet 
Endangered ***
Epileptic Disco
Ethyl Merman
Everpresent Fullness
Eve's Plumb
Evel Gazebow
Evil Beaver
The Evil Elvii
Evil Weiner 
Experimental BBQ 
Exploding Boy 
Exploding Head Trick
Exploding White Mice

F

Fabulous Amputators
Fabulous Pimps
Fangboy and the Ghouls
The Farting Ghosts
The Fartz
The Fat Chick from Wilson Phillips
Fat Luv
Fat Welfare Moms On Dust
The F.C.C(The Flying Cunts of Chaos)
Fearless Iranians From Hell
The Fierce Nipples 
The Fifty Foot Hose
50 Naked Midgets
Fire on Your Sleeve
Five Fat Guys Who Rock
Fix My Head
The Flaming Donuts of Jesus
Flaming Box of Ants 
Flaming Lips
Flamin' Schnanuses
Flavor of Uranus
Flogging Molly
Flopping Bodybags
Fly Spinach Fly
Flying Dustbunnies
Flying Elmo's
Four Honkies In a Big Black Car
Four Nurses of the Apocalypse
Four Out of Five Doctors
The Fred Mertz Experience
Freda Fuselage And The Wingwalkers
Free Beer
Free Beer and Chicken
Free Range Chicken
The French are from Hell
Freud Chicken
Frogs Don't Cry
Fromage d'Amour
Frosted Suede
Frumious Bandersnatch
Full Throttle Aristotle
Full Metal Chicken
Funky Green Dogs From Outer Space
Furious George

G

GangGreen
Gangway Fathead 
Garbage
Gaye Bikers on Acid 
The Gaza Strippers
Gee That's A Large Beetle I Wonder If It's Poisonous
Gefilte Joe and the Fish
Gelvis Pressly
Genitorturers
Get Reality Over With. Take Hallucinogens (G.R.O.W.T.H)
Ghandi's Lunchbox
Girl Scout Handgrenade
Girls Can't Catch
The Glands of External Secretion
Global Disrobal
God's Girlfriend
Goldfish Don't Bounce
The Go Kill Yourselves
Go Nad Go
Gonoreagan
Gonnorhea Pizzaria
Grand Master Ass-Blaster and the Pimp-Slap Crew
Gravity Ass
Grim Skunk
Gregg Turner and the Blood Drained Cows
Gringo Star
The Grilled Cheeze Fiasco
Guess My Perversion
Guitarantula 
Guns N' Wankers
Gut Full of Cheese
Guyana Koolaid

H

Habitual Sex Offenders 
The Hair & Skin Trading Co. 
Haircuts That Kill
Hakan Sleeps Naked
Half Man, Half Biscuit 
Halibutt Sharon
Halo of Flies 
Hamster Sandwich 
Han Solo and the Chewbaccas
The Happiest Guys In the World
Hard-drinkin' Housewives
Harry Palms and the Gym Towels 
Headlice of Doom
Head Like a Hole?
Heavy Pink Insulator
Heavy Vegetable
Hefty Pink Labia Lips
Helen Keller Plaid
Helicopter Barfs
Hell Toupee
Hellacopter Meat
Hello I'm A Truck
Henry Kissinger's ***
Here, Eat This!
Her Majesty the Baby
Herpes Cineplex
He's Dead Jim
Heterophobia
Hey! That's My Bike!
Heywood Trout Festival
Hindu Garage Sale
Hitler Stole My Potato
Hitler's Missing Testicle
Hockey Teeth
Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers
Holy Mary, Mother of Bert
Holy Sisters of the Gaga Dada
Homer and the Sexuals
Hornets Attack Victor Mature
The Hostile Amish
Hot Buttered Aspirin
Hot Rod Shopping Cart
House of Large Sizes 
The Hurling Tandooris 

I

I Buried Paul 
I Got Shot By Dick Cheney
I Love My Shih-Tzu
Ice Cream Headache
Icky Boyfriends
Identity Crisis
If Cows Had Wings 
If Pigs Could Talk Would You Still Eat Them
If You Don't Order Food You Have To Leave
Immaculate Infection
Impotent Seasnakes 
Individual Fruit Pie
Infected Mushroom
The Inflatable Boy Clams 
Inflatable Dates
Inflatable Party Sheep
"insert cool name here"
The Insult That Made a Man Out of Mac 
Interspecies Love Child 
The Introspective Playboy 
Invisible Flintstones
Iowa Beef Experience 
Iron Liver 
Iron Prostate
Italians Obsessed with Cheese
I've Got a Wedgie
IWRESTLEDABEARONCE

J

Jabbering Trout
Jason's Cat Died
Jason's Gay Haircut
Jazz Iguanas
The Jean Paul Sartre Experience
Jehovah's Waitresses
Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program
Jerry's Kids 
Jesus Christ and the Nailknockers
Jesus Christ Super Fly 
Jesus Chrysler Supercar
Jiggle the Handle
Jif and the Choosy Mothers
Jim Jones and the Kool Aid Kids
Joan of Arkansas 
Jodie Foster's Army
Joe Buck Yourself
Joe Puke and the Chunky Bits
John Cougar Concentration Camp
John Denver's Co-Pilot
John Holmes: Cucumber Smuggler
Johnny Panic and the Bible of Dreams
Johnny Uterus and the Fallopian Tubes
Jolly Naked Fishermen
Jonestown Punch
Juggling Death Squad
Junior High Burnout
Just Plain Cheese

K

Kamakazi Sex Pilots
Karl Maldens Nose
Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Ken Dodd's Dad's Dogs Dead
Kenfunky Fried 
Kerrigan's Knees
The Kids Who Never Learned How to Colour Inside of the Lines
The Killer Hayseeds
Killer Kiwis
Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jew Boys
Kinky Slinky
Kiss My Poodles Donkey
The Kitshickers
Knee Deep Shag
Kung Foo Dykes
Kung Fu Action Clergy Persons
K.Y. and the Backsliders

L

Lance Armstrong and the One Ballers
Lavay Smith and The Red Hot Skillet Lickers
Lawnsmell
Leonard Skinhead
The Leave It To Beaver Conehead Immolation
Led Lobster
Lee Harvey Keitel 
Lee Press-On and the Nails
*** Dopeheads on Mopeds
Lick, the Dog
Limp Wrist
Lip Smacking Kitten Lunch 
Lord Panic and the Exploders
Lorne Greene's Wet Nipple
The Lord Is My Shotgun
Lost Underpants of Doom
Lothar and the Hand People
Loud American Tourists
Lubricated Goat
The Luminous Toilet Bowls 
Lung Mustard
The Lust Penguins
Luxury Christ
Lyin' female dog and the Restraining Orders

M

Maggot Sandwich 
Man...or Astro-Man? 
Manson-Nixon Line 
Mao Tse Helen
Mary Carves the Chicken
Mary Kay and the Cosmetics
Mary Kay's Pink Cadillac ***
Mary Tyler Morphine
Mayhem Lettuce 
McAlbert Fish Sandwich
Me and Sir Octagon
Meat Puppets
Mechanical Tampon Fish
Mega Smegma
Melissa's House of Crabs
Men Among Poodles
Men With Issuses
Mermaids In the Basement
Microwavable Tree Frogs 
Mill Valley Taters 
Minnie Pearl Necklace 
Minnie Pearl's Jam
The Minstrel Cramps
Mr. Holland's Anus
Mr. Quintron and the Flossy Unicorn Puppet Show
Mr. Tasty and the Bread Healers
Mr. T Experience
Moe, Larry and Shirley Jones
Mogen David and the Grapes of Wrath
Moist Fist 
The Morbid Tavern Apple Choir
More Drunk Cowboys 
The Morning Shakes
The Most Sordid Pies
Mother Theresa's Children [Moder Theresas Barn]
Mother Tucker's Yellow Duck
Mouse and the Traps
The Muscular Lesbians
Mussolini Headkick 
Mustard Plug
My Dog Has Hitler's Brain
My Friend the Chocolate Cake
My Other Car is Even Crappier
My Three Scum
My White Bread Mom
Myth America

N

Naked Potato 
Naked David Hasselhoff
The Napolean Blownaparts
Nascar Fanatics
Natural Fonzie
Naugahyde Chihuahuas
Navigators Of Carrots
Nearly Died Laughing While Shaving My Butt
Ned's Atomic Dustbin
New Riders of the Minimum Wage
New Squids on the Dock
Nip Drivers
The Nipple Erectors
No Pants Bandits
No Way Sis (Oasis tribute band)
Nocturnal Emissions
Nomad Nipples 
Noodle Muffin and the Pig Squints
Norman Bates and the Shower Heads
Not Drowning, Waving
Not Now I'm Naked
Not With My Camel
Nurse With Wound
Nuts Can Surf

O

Oedipussy
Ohio Howie and his Temple of Boom
Old Bathtub Hag
Old Lady Driver
Once I Killed a Gopher With a Stick
The Only Alternative and His Other Possibilities
Operation Cliff Claven
The Orange Jews
Orange Juice After Toothpaste
Organic Condom Mazda Drugs 

Our Manager Told Us That Our Band Name Was Too Long and Difficult to Remember and That We Had to Change it So After a Long Brainstorming Session We Came Up With This One Because All the Other Ones Sucked

Outer Body Llama
Out of Godzilla's Butt
Out Vile Jelly
Ovarian Trolley 
Ozzy Beard Spaghetti 

P

Pabst Smear 
Painful Rectal Itch 
Paisley Brain Cells
Paul Minor's Great Big Ego 
Paul Will Eat Himself
Peace Love and Pitbulls 
The Peanut Butter Conspiracy
Pearl Harbor and the Explosions 
People With Chairs Up Their Noses 
Pepto Dismal
Peter and the Test Tube Babies
Phenobarbidols 
Phil McAvity and his Gerbils
Philemon Arthur and the Dung
Phlegm Fatale 
Phone Bill from Hell
Picadilly Circus People 
Pieces of Lisa
Pimps of Venus
Pink Slip Daddy 
*** Off Postmen
Planet of Pants
Plastic Nude Martini 
Playdough Fish 
Plump Harriet
Poo On A Stick
Poop Shovel
Popemobile 
Pontius CoPilot
Pork Queen 
Porn on the Cob 
Porn Flakes
Pornhuskers 
Possum Juice
Post Nasal Drip 
Poultry in Motion 
Pregnant Men 
Pretentious Flamedogs 
Printed At Bismarck's Death 
Professor Morrison's Lollipop 
Psychic Buddist Gorillas 
Psycho Sluts from Hell 
Public Enema
Pullout Method
Pure *** Extract
Purple Earthquake

Q

Quasimodo and the Eunuchs 
*** Wookie
Question Mark & the Mysterians 

R

Rainbow Butt Monkeys
Rage Against Filo Dough
The Rampant Hedgehogs
Rats of Unusual Size
Rebel Without Applause
Rectal Exam
Red Neck Girlfriend
Reluctant Stereotypes 
REO Speed Dealer
The Revolting Cocks
Rhythm Method
Road Kill
Rodney King and the Nightsticks
Rolling Blackouts
Rolling Donut
Ronnie James Deoderant
Root Boy Slim and the Sex-Change Band with The Rootettes
Royal Flush and the Jacks of All Trades
Rubber Nipple Salesmen
Rudimentary Peni
Rugburns
Rumplforskin
The Runz
Rusty Pickup and the Crappytones
Ryan Retardondo and the Get Down Syndrome

S

Sadista Sisters
Sandy Duncan's Eye
Satan’s Cheerleaders
Saturated Fat
Saturday's Garbage
Saturn's Flea Collar
Science Diet
Scary Chicken
Screaming Brocolli
The Screaming Hormones
Screaming Moist Accountants
*** Pole
Semi Digested Curtain Rail
Sensitive New Age Cowpersons
74 Megs of Ryan
Severe Tire Damage
Sex Clark Five 
Skankin' Pickle
Sharon Stoned 
She Stole My Beer
Shirley Temple of Doom
Shirley Temple Pilots
Shoot the Mime 
Shorty and the Disappointments
Shorty Johnson & The Trojans
The Shower Scene from Psycho
Sinus Envy 
Sissy Boy Slap Party 
Sister Run Naked 
Six Organs of Admittance
Skadelic Smegma 
Skanorrhea and the Burning Sensations
Skinny Chicken & The Chokers
Skunk Death
Sloppy Seconds
The Slutty Nunz
Sluts for Hire
Sly and the Family Jewels
Smegma & the Nuns 
Smelly Tongues 
Smorgasborgnine
Snotty Scotty and the Hankies
Sodom & Gomorrah Liberation Front
Sofa Kingdom
Some Random Band
Son Of Sam Walton
Soothing Sounds For Baby
Sorry About Your Daughter
The Sound of Animals Fighting
Soup Dragons
Sour Puppet
Space Hog
Spaceman Bill and the Groovy Gravy
Sparky the Lizard Hermaphrodite
Spastic Colon
The Spastic Rats
Special Ed and the Short Bus
Squirrel Nut Zippers
Stark Naked and the Car Thieves
Stiff Dead Cat
Stiff Richards 
Stinky Binky
Stinky Fire Engine
String Cheese Incident
St. Mucous
Stockhausen and Walkman
Stop Calling Me Frank
Stop Lookin' and Buy It
Straight Jacket Lucy
Stud McCoy and the Creemy Twinkies
Stukas Over Bedrock
Stupid White People
Suicide Ninjitsu Penguin Assassin Squad
Suicide Shrimp Fiasco
Super Sonic Soul Pimps
The Surf Maggots
Susanne and the Guys With Ties
Swearing at Motorists
Sweaty Bum Chunks
Sweaty Nipples
Swingin' Udders 

T

Tastes Like Chicken
The Technochocolates
Technosquid Eats Parliament
Ted Bundy's Volkswagen
Ted Ed Fred
Temporary Darkening of the Stool
Terry Dactyl and the Dinosaurs
Test Icicles
Testostertones
Thank God We're Immortal
The Baby Won't Eat His Corn Dog
The Quilted-Quicker-Picker-Upper, Bounty!
They Might Be Giants
They Tried To Frame OJ
They Were Expendable
Thinking Fellers Union Local 282
This Bike Is A Pipe Bomb
This Is Serious, Mum
Thomas Jefferson Slave Apartments
Three Day Stubble
Three Dead Trolls in a Baggie
350,000 Crazed and Fully Africanized "Welcome to Disneyworld" Bees
Tickle Me Pink
Titty Bingo
To Live and Shave in LA
Toiling Midgets
Tonto's Expanding Headband
The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza
Too Fat to Skate 
Tooth Fuzz
Toxic Shock and the Tampons 
Toys That Kill
Tracy & the Hindenburg Ground Crew
Trailer Park Casanovas
Trampled by Turtles
Transatlantic Chicken Wicken No. 5
Traveling Dingleberries
Trench Coat Yuppies
Trotsky Icepick
Trout Fishing In America
Tupperware Death
Turkey Makes Me Sleepy
22 Toxic Chemicals
20,000 Leaks Under The Sink
Two Cow Garage
Two For Flinching
Two Minute Sinatra 
2000 Flushes

U

UFOFU
Ugly Head
Ultimate Spinach
UltraBabyFat
Umbrella Full of Semen
Unidentified Rocking Objects
Uncle Bob Touched Me
Underpants Machine
The Urinals
Urine Specimen
Usless ID

V

Van Gogh's Ear 
The Vast Void of Empty Nothingness 
Vegetarian Meat
Venus and the Razor Blades 
Vermin from Venus
The Veronica Cartwrights
Vic Morrow's Head 
Vic Vaccume and the Attachments 
The Voluptuous Horror of Karen Black
Vomit Launch

W

Waffles Against AIDS
Was I Naked 
We Go To 11
We The Peephole
The Well Hungarians
Well Strung 
Wendy and Her Menstrual Cycles
What Made Milwaukee Famous
When People Were Shorter and Lived By the Water
Where's The Pope? 
The Whip-M-Out Girl's
White People Lie
White Trash Debutantes
Whorehouse of Representatives
Who The Hell Are You?
Willie Nelson Mandela
The Wizards of Twiddly
Woke Up Falling
Wonderbred, the Refined White Flour Children
Wrecked ‘Em
The Wrench Twisting Streetlickers 
Wynona Ryders

Y

The Yams from Outer Space 
The Yeasty Girls
Yellow Snow
The Young and the Uselsess
You Need A Spanking
Your *** Neighbors 
Your Naked Mother

Z

Zombies Under Stress
Zombina & The Skeletones
Zorro and the Blue Footballs
Zsa Zsa
Zulu Leprechauns

   Have fun with your trains

  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Northern New York
  • 20,869 posts
Posted by tree68 on Friday, February 1, 2013 5:16 PM

vsmith
Dang, as I feared..all the good band names are already taken:

There's a thing that floats around Facebook for creating your "rock band name."

Something like the color of your mother's favorite housecoat, the street you lived on as a child, and the name of your first dog.

You could end up with the "Green Highland Friskies..."

The more obscure the possible selections, the stranger things could get...

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

  • Member since
    September 2010
  • From: Libertyville, IL
  • 372 posts
Posted by Mr. Railman on Friday, February 1, 2013 6:41 PM

Humorus, but true.

As me and my two friends were sitting down to grab something to eat, we noticed that the pedestrian crossing at Lake Cook Road depot (Metra) was malfunctioning. It was going on and off for short intervals. So I decided to call in the Item two. Word of advice: Calling 1800 fix-gate will lead you to an ED pill...

"Hello. is this the number for grade crossing problems?"

"Yes"

"I'd like to report an item two at Lake Cook Road,"

"A what?"

"An Item two. The signals going off, but there's no train!"

"And where is this?"

"Lake Cook road"

"And...?

"The depot. It's a pedestrian crossing!"

"Thanks for calling,"

"You're welcome"

Makes you wonder...

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Posted by Paul_D_North_Jr on Saturday, February 2, 2013 3:51 PM

For engineering types (not the train 'driver" kind, though), here's a link to a great one on an ancient engineering failure, by Paul Pendragon, circa 1981 (may take re-reading it to get all the nuances): Mischief

"Beware the Wrath of Abibarshim" - "Recently excavated clay tablets shed new light on the most famous engineering failure in antiquity. Although some of the words are conjectural, this translation contains a clear message for modern engineers. Do you know someone who might benefit from this voice from the past?"

http://www.sacbusiness.org/cs/hesterj/Beware%20The%20Wrath%20Of%20Abibarshim.htm 

See also: http://deletionpedia.dbatley.com/w/index.php?title=Abibarshim_(deleted_05_Apr_2008_at_22:04) which cites:

Paul Pendragon, Beware the Wrath of Abibarshim!, Production Engineering, Volume 28, Number 7, July 1981, pp24-26, Penton/IPC, ISSN 0146-1737

It ought to be required reading . . . Sigh

- Paul North. 

 

 

"This Fascinating Railroad Business" (title of 1943 book by Robert Selph Henry of the AAR)
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Posted by Deggesty on Sunday, February 3, 2013 6:40 PM

Paul, I enjoyed the first link. Is Paul Pendragon any relation to King Arthur (the Pendragon)?

The second link has been removed.

Johnny

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 4, 2013 8:04 PM

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...

"Clean my house."

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Posted by dmoore74 on Wednesday, February 6, 2013 9:21 AM

Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. 

Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. 

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target: 


Dear Mrs. Harris:


Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.

    This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time  and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

    EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.


10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

  'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

  And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

  One of the clerks passed out.

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Posted by Semper Vaporo on Saturday, May 18, 2013 7:02 PM

A Congressman went to a 3rd world country on a politically motivated publicity junket and spent most of his time traveling from one small village to another giving his typical promissory speeches.  At one village the tribe was well known for its herd of cattle and he was most interested in being photographed talking to the herdsmen.

But first he had to give one of his typical speeches to the assembled tribesmen.

He began by praising them for their large herd of cattle and then began to extol the virtues of what material items they would get if they signed a trade treaty with the U.S.  He told them all about the wonderful benefits of accepting U.S. aid. 

He promised a chicken in every pot, beans in the pantry and he went on and on about it.

Someone in the crowd shouted "Huzunga!" at one point and he figured it was like an "Amen!" from a church congregation, so he made even more promises.

Soon, another tribesman began to jump up and down shouting "Huzunga!", and then a few more did so.

This just egged him on and his voice reached a fever pitch as he promised more and more to them.  And the more he promised, the more people shouted, "Huzunga!".

Soon, he had the whole tribe jumping up and down, shouting with one voice, "Huzunga!,  Huzunga!  Huzunga!".

He nearly wore himself out shouting his promises over the crowd screaming in such a frenzy, and he had to quit so as to save something of his voice for the next village.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, he walked over to the tribal Chief and asked him if he could inspect the cattle herd. The Chief nodded yes, but then said "When we get to the corral, do be careful to not step in the huzunga."

 

Semper Vaporo

Pkgs.

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Posted by Murphy Siding on Friday, September 20, 2013 5:00 PM

     Full moon time-

      Today,I called to order some materials from a wholesale company that we purchase a lot of goods from.  Because of a full moon, or something, a phone transaction had me looking for a Candid Camera.

Phone conversation with wholesale city desk salesman:

Me:  I'd like to order 120 sheets of 4x10 .090 FRP panel.

He: We only have 91 sheets on hand.  It would be a week before we got more in.

Me: I guess we'll take the 91 sheets now, and write a back-order for the rest when they come in.

He:  Well.... I can't sell you all of them.

Me:  Um...why not?

He; We don't like to sell out of something, because then we'd have none to sell.

Me Huh?  You don't want to sell them all, so you can have some to sell?

He: Yes.  But I can sell you a unit of 60 today, and back-order the rest.

Me:  Then you'll have 31 left?

He:  Yes.

Me: What will you do with those 31?

He: Oh, we'll sell them.

Me: To who?

He: Well, i suppose to whoever needs them.

Me:  OK..... How 'bout you sell me 60 sheets, and then sell me the other 31 as well?

He:  Works for me.  Do you want them on the same purchase order?

Me:  Sure.  Why not.  You can even send them on the same truck.

He:  Great.  Is there anything else I can do for you?


       Where's the hidden camera?  I came this close to asking him to put me through to Mr. Dilbert.  Oof-duh!  Dunce



Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.

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Posted by tree68 on Friday, September 20, 2013 6:41 PM

It's fall (well, almost).  Time again for the ever popular corn mazes.

With apologies to any blondes who don't appreciate blonde jokes.  I'll explain it to you later.

LarryWhistling
Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) 
Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you
My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date
Come ride the rails with me!
There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 20, 2013 7:51 PM

Thanks guys for resurrecting this thread. Perhaps this is just what the forums need right now.  Especially jokes about the strange decision management-types make.  Just no jokes about insufficient handbrakes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 20, 2013 7:59 PM

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party.  But before they left home, the wife got a terrible headache, and she told her husband to go to the party alone.  Being a devoted husband, he protested and said he wanted to stay with her in case she needed anything.  She said she was going to take some aspirin and just go to bed and that he should just go and have a good time.  So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 20, 2013 8:47 PM

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

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Posted by zardoz on Friday, September 20, 2013 8:55 PM

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers.

The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies and large corporations. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.

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Posted by dmoore74 on Saturday, September 21, 2013 7:11 AM

 

Subject: Romance


An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

 

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.I love you." 


The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."

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Posted by vsmith on Saturday, September 21, 2013 7:53 PM

I was traveling through Scotland and in a small town on a small bay I walked into a small pub to get a drink, inside was just two old men, one was the bartender the other was a local patron sitting at the end of the bar, I sat at the bar and ordered a  beer.

As I sat there the old man at the end of the bat turned to me and scowled, "laddie, you see this bar, I built it, I put my heart and soul into it, I used the best woods in the county, I used more love and care than for my own children, but do they call me 'McTavish the barmaker???', NOO!!!.."

I started to say something when he continued, pointing out the window at the roof of the church across the square, "You see that roof, I built it, it will stand up to the heaviest rains, I put my heart and soul into it, I used more love and care than for my own children, but do they call me 'McTavish the roofbuilder???', NOO!!!.." 

Then he pointed out the other window to the pier in the bay "You see that pier, I built it, I put my heart and soul into it, it will hold up to the strongest seas, I used more love and care than for my own children, but do they call me 'McTavish the piermaker???'.....Ohh NOOOOOO!!!! .....but ya screw ONE goat!...."

   Have fun with your trains

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Posted by Deggesty on Sunday, September 22, 2013 4:59 PM

Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.

Johnny

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Posted by zardoz on Sunday, September 22, 2013 7:38 PM

Deggesty

Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.

Names and details were changed to protect the innocent.

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Posted by zardoz on Sunday, September 22, 2013 7:48 PM

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

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Posted by Deggesty on Monday, September 23, 2013 4:32 PM

zardoz

Deggesty

Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.

Names and details were changed to protect the innocent.

 

Come, now; the nurse was not named; the admiral was guilty and should not be protected--and it really was a daffodil.Smile

Johnny

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, September 23, 2013 6:30 PM

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, September 23, 2013 6:54 PM

Boss lacks empathy

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. 

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. 

Finally, around 10:00 Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." 

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?" 

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, September 23, 2013 6:56 PM

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 

14. "This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 

6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 

5. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot." 

4. "Wow, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands." 

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 

"Amen" 

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Posted by Overmod on Tuesday, September 24, 2013 8:39 PM

Deggesty

zardoz

Deggesty

Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.

Names and details were changed to protect the innocent.

 

Come, now; the nurse was not named; the admiral was guilty and should not be protected--and it really was a daffodil.Smile

Reader's Digest.  April 1958.  Page 134.  Humor in Uniform.

Adapted since then to a number of other services; if you have a better or earlier source, time to spill it.

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Posted by SLOCONDR on Tuesday, September 24, 2013 8:53 PM

 

 

 

 

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Posted by Paul of Covington on Wednesday, September 25, 2013 10:57 AM

overmod:

     "Reader's Digest.  April 1958.  Page 134.  Humor in Uniform.

Adapted since then to a number of other services; if you have a better or earlier source, time to spill it."

_________________________

     Yes, I remembered reading it back when I was in high school but didn't remember exactly when.   Overmod, how big a library do you have, or how good a memory?    The gag was also used in the British comedy movie, "Carry On, Nurse", I think in the early sixties.

_____________

My mind's made up.  Don't confuse me with the facts.

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