Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

The Duck

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean -- you can TALK!" says the barman.

"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a
beer please."

Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area.

"Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be
here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."

And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site
and has his lunchtime lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus
owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking
duck.

"You should get it into your circus," he says. "You could make a lot of
bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it."

Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.

Barman says, "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was
chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?"

"Yeah!"

"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

"Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting
tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen."

The duck looked very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?"

[Anonymous]

It is time for the . . . . . Finally Friday edition of the Humor Thread Paper. [:D]



(Origin unknown)

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck,
How to live in a world that's politically correct? His
workers no longer would answer to "Elves," "Vertically
Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor
conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union
to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal
employment had made it quite clear That Santa had
better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner,
Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you
know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh, The ruts
were termed dangerous by the EPA. And people had
started to call for the cops When they heard sled
noises on their rooftops. Second-hand smoke from his
pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur-trimmed
red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and
flows, Rudolph was suing over unauthorized use of his
nose. And had gone on Dr. Phil, in front of the
nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who
suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the
gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a
choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of
leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him.
And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to
aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made
lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the
boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's war-like or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy
tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and
Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles
of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift
was one ecological.

No baseball, no football... someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls
were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And
Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa
just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could
not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got
to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite
empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable
was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift
that he might Give to all without angering the left or
the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each
group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity,
every hue, Everyone, everywhere... even you. So here
is that gift, its price beyond worth... "May you and
your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

[u]
The duck looked very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?"

Ss someone in the building industry, this one made me howl![:D]

[Anonymous]

There are two things every young boy wants for Christmas. Of course one of them is a train and the other . . . . . . . . .

http://www.geocities.com/mikeygaw/cutebench.jpg



This is just too cute not to share. I hope you all enjoy this pic. [:)]

[Anonymous]

zardoz [:)]

I hope the above post/link is not too mushy for you. [;)]

Mookie [:)]

Sorry, it is not kitties. [;)]

But it was just "too cute" not to share. [:)]

[ironhorseman]

This monkey walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "you got any cheeeese?" [:D]
The bartender says "NO! We don't serve monkeys and we don't serve cheese!" [|(]
The next day the monkey comes back to the same bar and asks the bartender again "you got any cheeeese?" [:D]
The bartender says "NO! I told you yesterday we don't serve monkeys and we don't serve cheese. Now get out of here!" [:(!]
The next day the monkey is back and asks again "you got any cheeeese?" [:D]
The bartender was furious. He told the monkey "NO! We don't serve monkeys and we don't serve cheese! Now if you come back tomorrow asking for cheese I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!" [|(][:(!][xx(]
Well the monkey came back again the next day. First thing he asked the bartender was "you got any nails" [?]
The bartender says "no."
[:-,] Then the monkey askes "well in that case, you got any cheeeese?!" [:D]

[Anonymous]

A midget, an Irishman, a leprechaun and a duck all walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"[8D][;)]

[Anonymous]

Time for another edition of . . . . . Sunday Funnies [:D]


I am leaving in a few minutes for my trip to the farm. (No Dan, Not the funny farm.) [8D]

This is most likely my last post for around a week. [:(]

I want to wish you and yours a Most Joyous and Blessed Christmas and a Very Prosperous New Year. [:)] [;)]

I am very sure that zardoz and vsmith will continue the Humor thread and carry on the great humor and entertainment that it has become. When I get back I will again join back in and hopefully add some more humor and a little knowledge to the thread. [:p]

Once again, I wish you a Wonderful Holiday Season [:)]


Now for a link . . . This is entitled, "Partridge in a Pear Tree" [:D] [:D] [:D]


http://www.funone.com/funpages/view.cfm/901


Some of you might have to think on this one for a few minutes to get the joke. [:o)]

[CShaveRR]

A lot of the much younger people in our "family" aren't going to get that one!

Good, though!

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

A lot of the much younger people in our "family" aren't going to get that one!

Good, though!

BB brain here - had to look at it twice before she got it! Duh...must be Monday!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

A lot of the much younger people in our "family" aren't going to get that one!

Good, though!

I got that one.

[vsmith]

OK, first joke up in the "lets keep this thread going while Jim is at the 'farm' getting treatment, I mean, visiting family, yeah thats it , family...."


The Hillbilly Mirror....

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old

hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the

stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he

remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he remembered his wife,

Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning

before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began

to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the

mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly gal

he's runnin' around with."

[vsmith]

Round 2...I'm still trying to get my head around how stupid some people are...

Subject: Disorder in court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court. These are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

----------------------------------

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

----------------------------------

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

----------------------------------

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

-------------------------------

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

-----------------------------------

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

-------------------------------------

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

------------------------------------

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

---------------------------------------

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

-----------------------------------------

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

---------------------------------------

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

--------------------------------------------

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

-----------------------------------------------

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

-----------------------------------------------

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

----------------------------------------------

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

-------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

--------------------------------------------------

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

-----------------------------------------------

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

---------------------------------------------------------

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

----------------------------------------------------

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

DUH-OH!![:D]

[Mookie]

They are really out there, aren't they!

[zardoz]

A doctor acquaintance sent me these, and yes, she is a surgeon......
==========================================================

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery


"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop!"

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Darn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em."

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"

"Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."

"What's this doing here?"

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"

"I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses."

"Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

"Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?"

"What do you mean, he wasn't in for a sex change?"

"Anyone see where I left that scalpel?"

"And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape."

"Ok. Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature."

"This patient has already had some kids, right?"

"Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?"

"Don't worry. I think this is sharp enough."

"FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out NOW!"

"Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!"

[vsmith]

Heres a little piece of life I found on the Darwin Award website, confirmed true:

(11 March 2003, Spain) Early one morning, police received a call warning that three robbers had invaded the bar of a Madrid brothel. The police dispatched several units, and confirmed that the call was true. Officers surrounded the building, and used a bullhorn to coax the offenders from the premises.

The robbers, understandably frightened, found themselves in an untenable situation inside a building surrounded by dozens of policemen. Their subsequent actions may have been influenced by the ready availability of alcohol. Instead of surrendering, they decided to go out in a blaze of glory, and tried to escape while shooting at everything in sight.

The policemen ducked, covered, and proceeded to shoot back at the running robbers. Two were fatally injured, and the third was wounded in his right leg.

Why was the gunfight over so quickly? The three robbers were carrying REAL guns loaded with FAKE ammunition. They were firing blanks, making enough sound and light to fool the police into shooting back, but not enough to actually help them escape.

[dharmon]

Now had they been French........[;)]

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Now had they been French........[;)]

they would have used champaign corks[:D]
stay safe
joe

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Now had they been French........[;)]

they would have used champaign corks[:D]
stay safe
joe

...or cheese knives!

[vsmith]

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little
beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on
Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in
Tucson.

3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested
the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread
maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit
down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was
water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In
the lake."

8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.


9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to
interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I
said "Dust!"

[vsmith]

Subject: Horsing Around


A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when
his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on
the head with a newspaper.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,"
she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have
known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV
when she walked up and hit him in the head again,
this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him
out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was THAT
for?"

She replied "Your horse called!"

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Now had they been French........[;)]

they would have used champaign corks[:D]
stay safe
joe

...or cheese knives!

They would probably just surrender and then protest that there was California wine in the bar!

[vsmith]

OK, More funny stuff.

Your tax dollars at work...
These are from actual high school essays ENJOY.

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had
its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh
Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling
Free.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E.coli and he
was room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had
disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as
a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly
surcharge-free ATM.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a
Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a
sneeze.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like
maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with
picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and
she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a
steel trap, only one that had been left out so long,
it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law, Phil. But
unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

He was a lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but a real duck that was actually
lame... maybe from stepping on a land mind or
something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended
one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire
hydrant.

[vsmith]

Here's a good one from the Urban Legend slush pile at the Darwin Awards...

Romeo and Juliet?

(April 1999) Two students were in love and engaged. Unfortunately all of the parents involved disapproved of the marriage. The parents had threatened dire measures if the students eloped. Caught in an impossible position of choosing between their love and their families, the students decided they would leave the world together.[V]

"Juliet" told her friend, a pharmacist, that she was having trouble sleeping before exams, and asked her for potent sleeping pills. The pharmacist secured for her a small bottle of pills, plastered with warnings, "Danger! Use strictly as directed! Do not operate a moving vehicle!" [xx(]

The two lovers locked themselves in a friend's dormitory room and tossed the key out the window. They shared a bottle of wine, made love, and then took the sleeping pills and kissed each other goodbye. Half an hour later, they began to feel curious rumblings in their intestines. Soon they realized that Juliet's friend had given them laxatives, not sleeping potion![:0]

There they were, locked in a small dorm room with the key ten floors below, and no toilets in sight! The stench spread quickly throughout the building, alerting other residents. A security guard was summoned, who forced the lock and poked his face 'round the door. He quickly swung it shut, nearly overcome by the fumes. The unfortunate couple had to be rescued by the SWAT team, protected by gas masks. They were taken to the hospital and treated for severe dehydration. [:(]

It turned out that the friend at the pharmacy was alarmed by the request for sleeping pills with no prescription. She contacted the parents, who conferred with one another and realized that something had to be done, hence the "new" prescription. Thus, the outcome: the marriage was belayed, both students were suspended from college, and both sets of parents were relieved. [:D]

[dharmon]

Another Shakesperian tragic comedy.........brought to you by Imodium AD

Oh Romeo, Romeo, where art thou Romeo OH, OH, NOOOOOOo

"where will you be when you gotta go?"

[Anonymous]

I'M B A C C C K K K [:)]

(From my treatments lol [:D] as someone has suggested [:D] [;)] )

And of course I want to do my part to . . . entertain, inspire, encourage, educate and enlighten our "readers", so here we go.



Now for the . . . . Sunday Funnies

I believe this is very fitting for Sunday. I hope you enjoy it.

Well the link I originally provided won't work, so I have had to copy and paste the story. I must give credit to "Joke of the Day" for this story.


Andrew#8217;s story was shared with me by his mom Jennifer. Here it is, in her own words with our thanks.

My son was born January 1996 and all seemed well. After a long difficult pregnancy, the arrival of this sweet baby seemed to be the end of our problems. However, there would be another path for us. In August of 1996 I rushed my son to the local hospital only to learn that he had a silent but deadly disease, Neutropenia. Neutropenia, (A.K.A Kostman#8217;s Syndrome), is the bodies#8217; failure to produce enough white blood cells called Neutrophils that are vital in fighting off bacterial infections. Now, my little angel had an ear infection, but since he did not have these Neutrophil cells, he never ran a fever and there was no indication that he was sick until he developed labored breathing. My family and I were told by the specialist that we should prepare for the worse. They were unsure that this sweet angel would even survive the night. When the doctors left the room, I immediately picked up the phone to my dearest friend and could only sob. I never said the first word, I just couldn#8217;t stop crying. Yet, she knew, and she said "Jen...okay" and began to pray. She prayed for my son, my family, and for the Lord#8217;s will. I prayed, too, like I never had before! I simply explained to God that I knew he had the power to take my baby back home, but I knew he also had the power to heal him and let him stay with me. And I asked the Lord to see fit to allow my baby to remain with us. I promised to never take a single second of our time with our sweet baby for granted because I had learned the value of time, of children, of prayer, and of miracles.

Andrew is approaching his eighth birthday. I know deep in my soul that the power of prayer and a miracle kept our family whole. I soak in every second I have with him; every single story he tells, ever laugh, every tear, & even every tantrum. I know that we were given a second chance, and I intend to absorb it all and pray I never have to let go.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Here's a good one from the Urban Legend slush pile at the Darwin Awards...

Romeo and Juliet?

(April 1999) Two students were in love and engaged. Unfortunately all of the parents involved disapproved of the marriage. The parents had threatened dire measures if the students eloped. Caught in an impossible position of choosing between their love and their families, the students decided they would leave the world together.[V]

"Juliet" told her friend, a pharmacist, that she was having trouble sleeping before exams, and asked her for potent sleeping pills. The pharmacist secured for her a small bottle of pills, plastered with warnings, "Danger! Use strictly as directed! Do not operate a moving vehicle!" [xx(]

The two lovers locked themselves in a friend's dormitory room and tossed the key out the window. They shared a bottle of wine, made love, and then took the sleeping pills and kissed each other goodbye. Half an hour later, they began to feel curious rumblings in their intestines. Soon they realized that Juliet's friend had given them laxatives, not sleeping potion![:0]

There they were, locked in a small dorm room with the key ten floors below, and no toilets in sight! The stench spread quickly throughout the building, alerting other residents. A security guard was summoned, who forced the lock and poked his face 'round the door. He quickly swung it shut, nearly overcome by the fumes. The unfortunate couple had to be rescued by the SWAT team, protected by gas masks. They were taken to the hospital and treated for severe dehydration. [:(]

It turned out that the friend at the pharmacy was alarmed by the request for sleeping pills with no prescription. She contacted the parents, who conferred with one another and realized that something had to be done, hence the "new" prescription. Thus, the outcome: the marriage was belayed, both students were suspended from college, and both sets of parents were relieved. [:D]

R E L I E V E D [:D] Well, yes, I guess you could say that. [:D] [:D] [:D]

Really relieved, [:D] [8D] [;)] with a little help from our friends. (oh no, here goes the Beatles songs all again.)

[tree68]

In the spirit (pun intended) of the upcoming night of excess:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says, "no - he only lives a mile away." About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving, and ask him to get out of the car, and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.
The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back, and they hop a fence, and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits, and waits, and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu, and has been in bed all day.
A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr."s" is there, and his wife says, "yes." They ask to see him, and she replies, "that he is in bed with the flu, and has been so all day."
The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car, and she asks, "why." They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage, and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.
True story, told by the driver at his first Alcoholic's Anonymous Meeting.

[Anonymous]

How would you know what he said at his first meeting? are you a member?

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by trainheartedguy

How would you know what he said at his first meeting? are you a member?

Not Moi, but I'll have to check on the person that sent it to me [#dots]