Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[dharmon]

At what point do we go back to posting about Coo Coo Ka Choo Choos

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

At what point do we go back to posting about Coo Coo Ka Choo Choos

And since I guess I'm the walrus, whose the eggman .......or is that Ed.....man

[Anonymous]

Ahh this has got to stop!

HELP! [:D]

Hey Jude! Don't Paint it black

Wait...

nevermind that last one.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

HEY! I bought my Girlfriend an LV bag, i don't know what the LV stands for, but I know it hurt my Wallet..


I am not Cheap!

Although I can smell a sale from 9 miles away...

I ain't Cheap

[:D]

BAD NEWS KEVIN

I asked my wife, She-who-knows-all-things-fashion, and she says LV stands for Louis Vitton, very fashionable, very exclusive and very expensive. I hope she doesnt develop a taste for high end stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

That's it

Louis Vitton!

Trust me, Very expensive

Matter of Fact, I can see my wallet outside this wondow now in the freezing cold holding up a picket sign..

It went on strike last night, and both parties are at a lock out,

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Hey Jim,
If you printed all these jokes up, and put them together in a binder, you could call yourself a Paperback Writer.
You could do so without any Help at all.
It would make for a Hard Days Night, but when you were done, you could to get with Kevin to get a Ticket to Ride, and go with him Back to the USSR, where I am sure the joke book would be such a big hit it might cause a Revolution.
Stay Frosty,
Ed

Ed [;)]

Can I bring . . . . Sergeant Pepppers (he is a little lonely you know) and my pet raccoon Rocky, we call him Rocky Raccoon.

[Anonymous]

hmmmmmmmm

Kev is in the forums but not online with MSN Chat -- what is WRONG with that picture? [:(]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Hey Jim,
If you printed all these jokes up, and put them together in a binder, you could call yourself a Paperback Writer.
You could do so without any Help at all.
It would make for a Hard Days Night, but when you were done, you could to get with Kevin to get a Ticket to Ride, and go with him Back to the USSR, where I am sure the joke book would be such a big hit it might cause a Revolution.
Stay Frosty,
Ed

Ed [;)]

Can I bring . . . . Sergeant Pepppers (he is a little lonely you know) and my pet raccoon Rocky, we call him Rocky Raccoon.

As I understand it...Sgt Pepper won a battlefield commission and is now Maj Pepper (ret). He and his brother, James, a Doctor no less are managing the Spice Girls.

[Anonymous]

i'd like to manage the Spice Girls!

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

i'd like to manage the Spice Girls!

You have:

Grumpy Spice......CF
Snowy Spice .....Alaskaman
Unihead Spice........
Silly Spice.....Zardoz, Vsmith
Kitty Spice....
Serious Spice....KPH

[vsmith]

I would prefer to be called by my stage name...

Nutty Spice!

sort of like Prozac!..Sometimes you feel like a nut! Sometimes you Don't!

[Mookie]

The Mookie has a headache and her eyes are crossed!

[vsmith]

Just scratch the inside of her ears and watch her eyes roll back in her head in pleasure...

did I ever mention that I'm a professional cat torturer....

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Just scratch the inside of her ears and watch her eyes roll back in her head in pleasure...

did I ever mention that I'm a professional cat torturer....

send me a price list!

Mook

[JoeKoh]

Mookie
we have a cure for you cat scratch fever!
stay safe
Joe

[edblysard]

Mookie...
Get Back, get back, get back to where you once belonged...
Edman

[Mikeygaw]

i've heard of wildlife problems, but this is rediculus!

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20031217/ap_on_re_us/deer_train_station_3

[Anonymous]

OK, time to turn off the radio, pull out the 8 Track, and get back to some serious humor, fun, games, links, and the occasional educational post. (For those of you too young to know what an 8 track is--just ask your dad.)


Da Mook sent me these so I pass them along to yall. [:p]




People over 25 should be dead...to the survivors:

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were
kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, 70's probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no
childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets, and when we rode our
bikes, we had no helmets. (Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.)

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one
actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank soda pop with sugar in
it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing..

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back when the street lights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. No cell phones. Unthinkable.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into
the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, no video games at
all, no 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal
cell phones, personal computers, or Internet chat rooms.

We had friends! We went outside and found them.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth,and there were
no lawsuits from these accidents.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms, and
although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did
the worms live inside us forever.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked on the door, or
rang the bell or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem
solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion
of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them!

Congratulations. Please pass this on to others who have had the luck
to grow up as kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives,
for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors?

[Anonymous]

I agree with kevinstheRRman, I will wait until next year to make my resolutions, also!
Ralph Zimmer Alsip,Il.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I'll drink to that

even though i'm the one who stated it..

[Anonymous]

Mookie emailed me some more good stuff so I will include it in the . . . Thursday Edition of the Humor Paper. [:)]



Grab your kleenex before reading!


Subject: Kids say the darndest things..........



What Is Love?

Just in case we forgot.......

What is Love?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4
to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were
broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined:

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and
paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the
time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
Rebecca - age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You know that your name is safe in their mouth." Billy - age 4

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your
french fries without making them give you any of theirs."
Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she
takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
Danny - age 7

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop
opening presents and listen." Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a
friend who you hate." Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it
everyday." Noelle - age 7

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are
still friends even after they know each other so well."
Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and scared. I looked
at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and
smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
Cindy - age 8

"My mo mmy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone
else kissing me to sleep at night." Clare - Age 6

"Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken."
Lisa - age 6

"Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still
says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him
alone all day." Linda - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old
clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." Lauren - age 4

"I let my big sister pick on me because my Momma says she only picks
on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I
love her." Bethany - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little
stars come out of you." Karen - age 7

"Love is when daddy sees momma on the toilet and she doesn't think
it's gross." Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if
you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." Jessica - age 8

*** The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor
was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon
seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard,
climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his mother asked him
what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I
just helped him cry."

[Mookie]

Thanx for printing that Jim - it kind of fits in with the Holidays.

Mookie

[zardoz]

ok, ok, enough mushy stuff--it makes my eyes leak.
=======================================================

Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient


1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You
decide to:

a. Present it to the president of the United States.
b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wi***o display simple and pure affection without regard for
narrow-minded social conventions.
b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you
have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

a. If he`s your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
b. If you`re performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case,
you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this
male`s trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
c. If you`re a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that (1) He is
legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective
cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough
to cause fractures.


5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She`s attractive and
intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday
afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you`re watching a football
game; she`s reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue
sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no
longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is
going. She says she`s not asking whether you want to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do
you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don`t want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you`ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don`t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
and seventeen.


6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows,
the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities
that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and
when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the
stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They`re in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"


8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes
so large that you`re not sure which ones were originally intended for
your legs.
b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
has to be handled with tweezers.
c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks
the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but
this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear,
which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more
intimate relationship with it than with her.


9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.


10. What is the human race`s single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Remote control.


How to Score:

Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c."A real guy
would score at least 10 on this test.

[zardoz]

with all due respects to the ladies of the forum........[:)]




At long last... The Men`s ultimate Guide to what a woman really means
when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz
later).

She says = She means


You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think
about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of
white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department,
I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink
sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your
checkbook?

[}:)]

[zardoz]

How To Be Annoying:

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way".

Drum on every available surface.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Ask 0800 operators for dates.

Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire copy warnings and
Simon Bates "Whenever you rent or buy a video..." bits

Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Set alarms for random times.

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public
consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."

Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.

Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed`s stereo, with the
volume properly adjusted.

Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

Dress only in clothes colored Hunter`s Orange.

Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

Tape pieces of "The Grumbleweeds" over climactic parts of rental movies.

Wear your trousers backwards.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary
mints by the cash register.

Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

Leave someones printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
(Please note: Dot Matrix printers only.)

ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

only type in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

Pay for your dinner with pennies.

Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone`s
roadmaps.

Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assasination/UFO/
OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.

Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it`s gone now."

Light road flares on a birthday cake.

Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".

Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until
physically restrained.

Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".

As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

Stand over someone`s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

Fini***he 99 green bottles song.

Sing the "This is the song that never ends..." song.

Leave your indicator on for fifty miles.

Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.

Name your dog "Dog".

Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

Ask people what gender they are.

Reply to everything someone says with "that`s what YOU think."

Lick the filling out of all the jammy Dodgers, and place the biscuit
parts back in the tray.

Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.

Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was
a "good one".

Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you
don`t want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a
can of Glade Air Freshener.

Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers` brains.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first
in the phone book. Claim it`s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people
pronounce each A.

Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if they slow down.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people
play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

Wear a LOT of cologne.

Ask to "interface" with someone.

Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing".

Sing along at the opera.

Mow your lawn with scissors.

At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".

Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".

Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn`t rhyme.

Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in
a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".

Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn`t
cricket." Hmmm Geoff Boycott?

Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".

Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.

Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing
awkward silences with the impression that you`ll be saying more any
moment.

Never make eye contact.

Never break eye contact.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.

Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

Construct your own pretend "tricorder", and "scan" people with it,
announcing the results.

Give a play-by-play account of a person`s every action in an
annoying John Motson or Jimmy Hill voice.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Make appointments for the 31st of September.

Invite lots of people to other people`s parties.

[vsmith]

Sorry, Zardoz, the answers to your quiz just dont quite add up to my experiences; My answers are

1. D. Apply for a Patent it and go into the business selling Dr Vic's Cure-All on TV.

2. D. Sex

3. D. When your Russian, they kiss everbody.

4. D. See above, they hug everything.

5. D. reply "whadya say Honey?" (from real experience!)

6. D. saying during the middle of sex that we should get hitched. (happened to a friend)

7. D. Kids? what kids?

8. D. When the sub-atomic molecular bonds finally lose cohesion and they break down into thier component molecules. Be sure to sweep up the dust.

9. D. He was following his wifes direction, "turn here honey, no there!"

10. D. TOILET PAPER!

I know I scored about a minus one-million, but points arent everyhting!

[zardoz]

Stress
A guy tells his doctor, "I am under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people and insulting them. You gotta help me, doctor!"

The doctor says, "Tell me about your problem."

The guy looks at him and yells, "I just did YOU STUPID S.O.B.!"
======================================================
Lobsters

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come done to the water and whistle and these lobsters jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
============================================================
Johnny Can Count

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers little Johnny.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

Little Johnny smiles and says, "A Jack."
==============================================================
Shopping Trip

A husband was with his wife when she decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop.

Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him.

In a cocky manner, he asked, "Where are all the men's clothes?"

In a demure voice the clerk replied, "All of these clothes are for men, sir."
==============================================================
Printer Trouble

When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."
================================================================
more later [:o)]

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

with all due respects to the ladies of the forum........[:)]




At long last... The Men`s ultimate Guide to what a woman really means
when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz
later).

She says = She means


You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think
about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of
white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not
going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department,
I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink
sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your
checkbook?

[}:)]

The only reply to any of these is,"Not now,wait till the game's over.[:D]

[zardoz]

Friday silliness edition:

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only
endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?

How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot...and something
cold, cold?

What is the speed of dark?

Why are there braille signs on drive-up ATM's?

If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of
earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

[zardoz]

For all you parents:

Actual excuses written by parents to schools:

My son is under a doctor`s care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,
32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea
direathe the shits.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father`s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don`t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought
it was Sunday.

Sally won`t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her
funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and
could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn`t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something
going around, her father even got hot last night.

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