Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[locomutt]

You know,I heard that the squirells were gathering NUTS for the winter>[:D]
I'm staying inside for awhile,and try to avoid them![8D]
Hope some of the rest of you do also[:)]

Oh,Well
locomutt[:o)] [}:)]

[Mikeygaw]

you want weird? was in the 60's high today, and it's dropping to the mid-30's overnight

[Mikeygaw]

oh, and if you all think kevin is bad, you don't want to hang out with me and my friends... trust me... were mmmuuucccchhhh worse...

[Anonymous]

M E [:D]

This is pure G O L D [:)]

Thank you for tonights humor. [8D]

NOW HEAR THIS [:0]

I am changing Kevin's name. He is no longer Kevin or Kev. HE IS "MAC" [:D] [:D]

All in favor say "Aye" Good. Motion carries. Secretary, note that there were no Nays.

[Anonymous]

Now with the business meeting over with we can relax and read the newest edition of the Humor Thread Paper. [:)]


And away we go . . . . . . . . . . . [:I]



A woman was walking her two dogs. As she passed a
couple of teenagers, they commented on the size of the
dogs, and what breed they were.

Finally they asked the dogs names. This is Rolex and
that's Timex, she replied.

They started laughing and said those are weird names
for dogs.

Not really...."they're watch dogs."

[JoeKoh]

Me
thank you for the stories about mac!! now try to understand this.I wanted to do the right thing and get my wife her favorite perfume at a department store. Imagine my surprise when they asked if I had anything smaller than $100.00 bill.But they sure wanted me to sign up for their credit card .I still bought the stuff and they had to make change!
stay safe
Joe

[JoeKoh]

Yo Jim
your next my friend(4 star club)
stay safe
Joe

[locomutt]

Hi JOE I see you are on line. Have you gotten
the picture yet? The wife and I tryed very hard,
as neither one of us has the sense to DO something
right the first time. (thats why I just edited it.)[:p][8]

locomutt[8D][:I]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

Yo Jim
your next my friend(4 star club)
stay safe
Joe

CONGRATS [:p] [:o)] [8D] [:I] [:D]

LIKE I SAID IN ANOTHER THREAD KEEP THE DOOR OPEN, I AM RIGHT BEHIND YOU. [:)]

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

Hi JOE I see you are on line. Have you gotten
the picture yet? The wife and I tryed very hard,
as neither one of us has the sense to DO something
right the first time. (thats why I just edited it.)[:p][8]

locomutt[8D][:I]

yep I go it[:)] thank you my brother lives near richmond va.
stay safe
Joe

[JoeKoh]

a string walks into a bar the barkeep says hey we dont serve your kind in here
so the string leaves and ties himself in a knot
he goes back into the bar the barkeep says hey didnt i just throw you out
the string says who me? I'm afraid knot
stay safe
Joe and Matt

[Anonymous]

Hey Joe welcome to the Four Star Club, whatever that means.. Wait based on mathematics and changes.. Is that what happens when you hit 1000 posts?? I think i see the light, Well congradualtions.. what number am I at.. or Kevin at? Thsi female-rule thing is getting to me,

It is now in day 3..

Ed in response to your response, A relationship Requires a Lot (and if your with Kevin, which your not, it Requires ever more Give and take) of give and take.. And i'm not standing on a limb by saying That most 16,. 17 year old Kids don't have what it takes to keep a relationship going. I have firends who are working on their 5th, 8th, 10th boyfriend and they're 18 maybe less!

Thats SAD!
i've had.. hmm.. One Boyfriend.. since It seems like forever. On a more serious note, If I was to calculate all the good times, and all the not so good times (I.e both those times i told you,) the score might come out to be +12, 377 and - 246. Look, I told everyone those incidents, But it doesn't happen like that every day, praise God.. otherwise i'd suffer from mass embarassememnt and wind up having a heart attack. When it comes to relationships, Kevin is as flexible as a piece of putty! I think he takes more Crap from me then I take from him.. Yes, for all the men out there, You Know when that is!

hehe.. He really puts up with me when that clock strikes midnight. yikes, trust me, you'd hate to be in the same neighborhood!

We've had lots of times where i'm only glad kevin was present. One time we were at a restaurant, and I got up, to go to the bathroom, then this guy who was drunk from the bar, Started making lewd comments, and kevin who could hear a cricket in the middle of Houston, Texas was over like a fla***elling the guy to back off.. so as kevin headed back to his seat the guy grabbed me and held on to me tight, Kevin turned around and Wang Chunged the guy right in the face.. I was shocked/terrified/stunned all three of those led me to not know how to react..

Sure the police had to come, But Nothing happened to Kevin.. He was hailed for saving me from the brute.. I don't know what the brute could have done, and trust me i don't want to know what he would have done..

Thats what is great to know, and it applies to every woman, Kevin If he over hears, he will be over protecting you no matter when where nor what time it is..

One time, during the graveyard shift, midnight train or the 11 pmer going through the west Island, it stopped at Cedar park.. Ed I think Kevin sent you the systems map.. so you would know where i'm tlaking about. This girl got off the train and as Kevin watched out the mirror, these two goons attacked her.. Kevin was already running for the door, so was the Engineer, and I think there was a thierd conductor too.. Either way, Kevin was first on the scene. Holding one of the guys back and he was shortly joined by the engineer, who both of them held both guys while the theird guy called the police.. The train was really late that night.
Maybe there wasn't a 3rd conductor, it may have been an innocent by standerd

So like I said, the good FAR, far, far, far out weighs the bad.. at any given time, and no matter what.. you just have to hold on, no matter what.. Now i'm sure their are exceptions, But for better or for worse!

Now i've heard from Kevin, That there are a few teenagers who don't have Girlfriends. on this site, too! Common Guys! let me give you THE MOST IMPORTANT tip ever! and if you don't like hearing tips from women, Thats too bad, because to my recolection, I don't recall asking you if you liked it...

A) Compliment a Girl! Go up to a girl and tell her how you like her hair, Soemthing like that! You know when I was in High school, i would have given my two front teeth for a guy to come up to me and tell me somehting like that! You know what that means to a woman? A hell of a lot!

Thats that! Thats all you have to do.. Because you will see, it will naturally progress from there.. you'll see.
I think the period key is jammed because every time I press it 2 or 3 come out ...

Jim, were all gonna call Kevin Mac, i'll do it at home!! Yes do it, do it! do it!

tommorow night, i'll tell you all about Kevins really bad timing Rap Joke..
theres a funny one!

But I Think i'll pack it in for tonight...

Good night
If Kevin were here what would he be doing..
putting up MORE christmas lights.

Peace.

p.s again, it's too late to proof read. sory fro my bobos, hye lok it's kevin!

[locomutt]

Joe[:D],

Glad you got the pix[8D]. I was afraid it might not come through.
I don't know if you got the other e-mail,but is that one caboose
a CSX transfer job[?] I do not think I've ever seen one like that,
anywhere[B)] I really appreciated seeing the pixs. Maybe I'll start
the modeling routine again[:)] Scrach building in "O" scale is so
much fun[:p] Actually I really do enjoy it[:D] It keeps me from buying
the real expensive things[8D]

Enjoyed the pix that had Matt in it.[8D]

Later

Locomutt[8D]



















;d],

[edblysard]

To the other half of Kevins world..
Any man too macho or too proud to listen, seek out, or consider the advice of a woman is condemed to live a lonely life, unfufilled and useless.
Was sitting here earlier, and realized Aimee and I have been married almost half of her life.
I have grown to count of her advice more than anyone else.
Any lasting relationship has to be based on trust, and respect.
I respect her opinion, and trust her to have both our interest in mind in every decision she makes, as she counts on me to do the same.

You story of Kevin to the resuce shows what type of person Kevin is.
Real men dont let things like the drunk, or the muggers slide.
A lot of people would have just let the girl at the station deal with the problem, not wanting to get involved.
I doubt Kev even though about what could happen, he saw a bad thing starting, and acted.
You should be proud.
Even if he wears kippers and war paint!
Stay Frosty,
Ed[:D]

[Anonymous]

I am going to bring out the next edition of our paper. This is Hump Day Helpers (a few minutes early). [:)] [8D] [:D]



COUNTRY WISDOM

Don't name a pig you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and
bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you
climb, but how well you
bounce.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not
yelled.

Meanness don't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their
barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just
ain't helpful.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't corner something meaner than you.

You can catch more flies with honey than
vinegar--assuming you want to catch
flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label
things as flowers or
weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel thing. Every path has some
puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.

AMEN!

[zardoz]

OK, back to "humor".


1-800-PSYCH
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term ………..

If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

==================================================================

TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS

10. You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your
email on the way back to bed.

9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.

8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

7. You spend half of a plane trip with your laptop in your lap...and your
child in the overhead compartment.

6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two,
just for the free Internet access.

5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com

4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

3. You move into a new home and decide to netscape before you landscape.

2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.

=====================================================================

[zardoz]

For the upcomming politically correct holiday:

On the 12th day of Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival my significant other in a consenting,
adult, monogamous, relationship gave to me:

Twelve males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.

Eleven pipers piping (plus an 18 member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract, even though they will not be asked to play a note.)

Ten melanin deprived testosterone poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping.

Nine persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression.

Eight economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved bovine Americans.

Seven endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands.

Six enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products.

Five golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration.(After members ofl the
Animal Liberation Front threatened to tthrow red paint at my computer, the calling birds, hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslaavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

Four hours of recorded whale songs.

Three deconstructionist poets.

Two Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and

One Spotted owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.


Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Good Kwanzaa,, Blessed Yule, and Happy Holidays*

*unless you are suffering from seasonally affected disorder(SAD). If this is the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with the suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.

[zardoz]

Computer Philosophy


A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.
--Joseph Campbell

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. --Mitch Ratliffe

All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the
parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't
get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a
hammer. --IBM maintenance manual, 1925

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. --Pablo Picasso

Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy
disk to reach a high shelf. --Sam Ewing

Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins.
--Robert Heinlein (in "The Moon is a Harsh Mistress")

Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. --Jeff Pesis

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were
part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.
--Geraldine Ferraro

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ...and the only one
that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- Wernher von Braun

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing;
but most of the time, we aren't either. --Marvin Minsky

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a
cardboard box and sit in a warehouse. --Jack Handey

There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. --J.H.Goldfuss

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
--Janet Reno

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by
accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals.  We cause
accidents. --Nathaniel Borenstein

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so. --Robert Orben


And my favorite:

Windows: A 32 bit graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system,
originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company
that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

[zardoz]

More computer stuff:

Murphy's Laws Of IT
Jim's Laws of Computer Maintenance
1- When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2- When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, then it's probably obsolete.
3- The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4- When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5- For every action there is an equal and opposite malfunction
6- To err is human... to really screw things up royally requires a computer.
7- He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8- A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
9- The No. 1 cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
10- A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

[zardoz]

Are YOU a problem thinker?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up.
Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself. But I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more
and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office
dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife
about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker.

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors,
and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line.
It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting
we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

[ironhorseman]

The difference between the city police and small town police is they have motorcycle cops in the city.
I come out from the store and there was a motorcycle cop writing a ticket. I asked him "why are you writing a ticket?"
He didn’t say anything.
I shouted "are you deaf?"
He just wrote another ticket.
I said to him "you are the stupidest cop I ever saw!"
He then wrote another ticket.
Finally, I got tired of talking to him, walked around the corner, got into my truck and drove off.

Happy Thanksgiving [:)]

[Anonymous]

Day three.. almsot over, as a matter of fact, This could be the last day.. I guess you'll all find out tommorow

Don't forget to give Kevin a big Welcome! hahaha Trains.com Style!

So like I promised, one last story...

One Time at a Restaurant, Not as low class as McDonalds, Yet not as high class as Rits Carlton
Somewhere in the middle.. Worst of all, I was there. again! So this is how it went.. we artrived at this Restaurant and Kevin was still in uniform with his Radio and all nine yards.. we were with the Enginerr and his Wife/girlfriend.. don't know if they got married? anyways.. so the four of us were sitting eating supper having mindless chit chat.. when This computer voice came over the Radio "CP DETECTOR... MILE..." (the restaurant is somewhat close to the tracks..) that lasted for about 1 minute, so it wasn't bad enough that everyone was starring at the two of them, they were all really quiet.. So kevin, in an attemopt to lighten things up yells out

"is it just me? or does rap keep getting lazier?

That pretty much sent me, and the rest of the restaurant into a laughing fit.. Except the table of Black guys behind us. Wich when we realized they were there, It wasn't funny anymore. And they kept starring at Us not that it was a problem, But even i had a laugh at that one, as a matter of fact so did the rest of the restaurant, except the black guys behind us..

oh well, their loss..

Hey.. I took the Train home tonight.. It sucked! Really it did.. all the conductors were all serious, no one was in a joking mood... If it was Kevin there, They'd all be laughing or Smiling.. The Train sucks without him, It really does.

BOARING..
thats the best way to describe the ride..
And its pretty boaring here, (not on the site, at HOME) without him.

well he'll be home mid-afternoon tommorow.. So welcome him, and laugh at him, and mock him.
You know, Especually Ed... make sure you Really rub it in.

Peace everyone!

[dharmon]

Hmmm..... I not sure...

I mean I like the old Keven, but this new Kevin under female rule isn't too bad either[:)].... and probably smells oops I mean spells better too..[:)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

OK Someone did good starting this thread, now we have a place to share all of funny / stupid email. OK here goes, ( I have several to share but will only do one a day) :


Retirement Plan: .

If you had bought $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year
ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you
would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00. With
Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the
beer, not the stock) one year ago, drunk all the beer
then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit, you
would have $214.00.

Based on the above, my current investment advice is to
drink heavily and recycle. This is a new retirement
program, I call it the 401Keg.

[8D][8D][8D]401keg is that how many well get to drink yearly or what
and can i get that up front[:0][:D][8D][xx(]

[Anonymous]

Trust me Mr. Harmon, The female version of Kevin spells better, and smells better, well I hope I smell better, after all I take a lot of time in the morning making sure I do!

hee hee, Just you wait until he reads this!

Hey Kevin! I love you!
[:D]

[edblysard]

Dan,
Shes got it bad, dont she?
Think Kevin stands a chance?
Ed[:D]

[JoeKoh]

ME
the forums will keep for kev! go get him!!!!!
stay safe
Joe

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Dan,
Shes got it bad, dont she?
Think Kevin stands a chance?
Ed[:D]

He's a goner, joint checking account on the way..... Plus with all the ammunition she's just passed out......... he's walking into an ambush when he get's back. I think Bergie and Dave Voss need to go ahead and change his screen name to "methe RRwoman"

[edblysard]

Ohh Yeahhh....

[Anonymous]

He should be home within an hour and a half!

i'll make sure he checks in!!

this is going to be great!