Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[dharmon]

Out here in the wild(fire) west, it makes its way down south of the border to live it's second life. I was cleaning out my garage the other day and moved some stuff out on the driveway. I had no less than 3 cars stop and ask if I was having a yard sale or getting rid of the stuff.....

..........Umm yeah, I'm getting rid of my table saw, let me help you load it.............and this rolling toolbox too........No, I'm keeping the garbage can and the empty cardboard boxes......

[Anonymous]

Now for a little (mind you I said little) humor. The poor joke writers are having writer's cramp after doing so well for a while, so during this dry spell the audience may throw in a joke or two or three. And of course the audience may throw jokes in at anytime. [8D]


Some much needed humor . . .


Last Laugh

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in
a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in
telling them to disperse some people who were
loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small
crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his
window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again,
"Let's get off that corner...NOW!" Intimidated, the
group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares
in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman
turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"


"Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen,
"especially since this is a bus stop!"


and . . .


One day Glenn was working late under a car and some
brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff
isn't too bad tasting" he thought.

Next day he told his buddy Scott about tasting the
brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a
little more today."

Scott got a little concerned but didn't say anything.

Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the
brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more
today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told
Scott,"This brake fluid is really great stuff."

His friend was now really worried. "You know that
brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You
better stop drinking that stuff."

"Hey, no problem..." Glenn defended, "I can stop any
time."

[Anonymous]

Well, I gotta tell the joke sometime, right?
Here it is.
A drunk man walks home from a party. When he crosses a bridge, and sees a bunch of people on the river bank going in the water. He got curious and came down. So he asks a person "What are yo guys doing?" The person replies: "Take your clothes off, go into the water and you' ll find out" The drunk man did that. After he came out the same person asks "So, did you find Jesus, my friend?"
"No", the man replies. He tried one more time. Each time the same question was asked after he came out and each time the man replied "No". After fourth try the man answered "No, I didn't find Jesus. Are you sure this is where he went in?"

[Anonymous]

I was looking at this picture http://www.railpictures.net/viewphoto.php?id=37427
and something weird caught my eye. When you first look at it, it seems normal.
But look at the car on the road right next (to the left) to the train. Will somebody tell me why the guy is driving on the wrong side of the road?

[Anonymous]

Well, Alex, the guy might tell the police that it was gravity of those big locomotives that pulled his small truck to the wrong side of the road...

I'll try to translate a joke from Croatian:

Three buddies get so drunk they can't walk, so they find themselves crawling on all fours in the middle of the railroad tracks. The first one says: "What a funny stairway, the steps are too far away and it's full of stones!" The second one: "And the handrails are so thick and too low!" The third one looks back and says: "But we're lucky, guys, here comes the elevator!"

Have a nice day everyone!
Oliver

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Oliver Trzok

Well, Alex, the guy might tell the police that it was gravity of those big locomotives that pulled his small truck to the wrong side of the road...

I'll try to translate a joke from Croatian:

Three buddies get so drunk they can't walk, so they find themselves crawling on all fours in the middle of the railroad tracks. The first one says: "What a funny stairway, the steps are too far away and it's full of stones!" The second one: "And the handrails are so thick and too low!" The third one looks back and says: "But we're lucky, guys, here comes the elevator!"

Have a nice day everyone!
Oliver

Croatia - is that in Wyoming? [:o)]

(That's a little far for the Mookie to go on Amtrak - so I will just say welcome to the forum)

Mookie

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts for the day . . . put your thinking caps on [^]


=======================================================
Daily Thoughts

"The human brain is like a TV set. When it goes blank,
it's time to turn off the sound." Pat Elphinstone

"On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of
weather. We had something like that where I grew up.
We called it a window." Dan Spencer

"A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon
without springs#8212;jolted by every pebble in the road."
Henry Ward Beecher

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Alaskaman

I was looking at this picture http://www.railpictures.net/viewphoto.php?id=37427
and something weird caught my eye. When you first look at it, it seems normal.
But look at the car on the road right next (to the left) to the train. Will somebody tell me why the guy is driving on the wrong side of the road?

Well, it could be:

1. The driver's only previous driving experience was with slot cars
2. He's trying to see if a relative jumps off, so he can pick them up
3. It is in West Virginia nuff said....[:D]
4. It's the wife of the railfan photographer, who's had enough and is trying to run him down.
5. Or it's MISSOURI racing to a grade crossing......

[Anonymous]

LOL Missouri Racing to a Grade Crossing.. LOL

HAHAHAHAH!

wow..

[Anonymous]

MISSORI racing to a crossing.... LOL[:D][:D]
Three words: Post of the day. (ok, four)

[edblysard]

We should be so lucky!
Ed[:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

We should be so lucky!
Ed[:D]

L M A O [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

[Anonymous]

[zardoz]

A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him.
The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!"
He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that."
He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a conductor for many years, one of my pet peeves is waking up and finding the engineer sleeping. - D. Koch
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.
"Man," the Chinese man says. "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
"Man," the Italian says. "If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
"Man," the redneck says. "If I get another ham 'n' cheese sandwich in my lunch, I'll kill myself."
The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybody's crying.
"This is all my fault!" says the Chinese man's wife. "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
"This is all my fault!" says the Italian's wife. "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He packed his own lunch."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a teacher and a conductor on the railroad?
One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a county that lacks a modern telecommunications system?
"Technologically backward"

What do you call a county that lacks a fully integrated banking system?
"Economically underdeveloped."

What do you call a country that lacks a well-connected public transportation system?
"United States of America"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND swearing!"
Still nothing... and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one last time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, swearing, and smoking too!!!"
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said… "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Female Railfan Discovered: Experts Amazed
Scientists were shocked to find what is believed to be the first known female railfan. "This destroys every theory we've had about the species," said one anthropologist. The woman, a swimsuit model and avid train watcher, was found lurking around Amtrak's Beach Cove maintenance shops with a camera and notepad. One witness heard her quoting from The Diesel Spotter's Guide.
Anthropologists having discovered a living female railfan, apparently the first ever, Cherry Allen, 21. She was at first suspected of being a clever fake. Extensive clinical testing proved her to be an actual genetic female and a timetable-carrying member of the railfan community. Ms. Allen was able to answer a series of complex questions concerning the motive power roster of the Pennsylvania Railroad prior to 1950. She is also tall, slender and very attractive. When not out railfanning or working as a swimsuit model, Ms. Allen enjoys watching sports on TV and building super-detailed O Scale locomotives. In a recent interview, this blue-eyed blond from the sunny beaches of Las Vegas confessed she is "still looking for that special someone." Who is her ideal man? "Well," she said, "A guy who loves spending afternoons lounging in the hot tub and reading old issues of Trains magazine."
The discovery has stunned many. One man expressed surprise, commenting, "This means I have a chance at finding a girlfriend who won't make fun of me and my trains. An admittedly pretty small chance, but still..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

done for now, with more to come....................

[zardoz]

The Book of Rules Back during the war, when anyone could get a job braking, the D&H hired a new kid from Troy. The Superintendent gave him his copy of the Book of Rules and told him, "Now take this and study it. Keep it with you at all times on the railroad, because any situation that might come up is covered in the Book of Rules."

So the kid takes his book, says, "Thank you, Sir, I sure will!" and goes home to study the book. That night he gets a call for No. 7, the less-than-premier sleeper train from Troy to Montreal. He gets on the train at Troy, and the conductor tells him to go back and make sure the lanterns are all lighted and ready to go on the rear platform. The train pulls out while he's walking back through the sleepers, and up around West Waterford he's walking through one car when he sees a woman's bare posterior exposed through the curtains of an upper berth.

"Hmmmmm — How do I handle this? Oh yeah, the Book of Rules!" So he gets out the Good Book, then runs to the rear of the train, grabs a red lantern and hangs it on the berth. Next comes a traveling salesman, who sees parted curtains and the red light, and gets the entirely wrong idea. Needless to say, there was blood on the moon when the word got back to the Old Man the following day, and the kid had a message waiting on his return to report to the Superintendent's Office RIGHT NOW!

He walks in, and the Old Man inquires politely, "Son, what in the world were you thinking of when you hung that red lamp on that poor woman's berth on Monday night?" "Well, Sir," the new hire started, "you told me that anything that came up on the railroad was covered by a rule in the Book of Rules."

"Yes, I did," said the Old Man. "But where in hell did you find a rule to cover that one?" "Right here," the new guy replied. "It says, 'The rear end of a sleeper, exposed by night, must be protected by a red light."

Next day the kid was a Trainmaster.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Steam or Diesel?
A man was walking along the beach one day, when he came across an old lamp. When he picked it up and wiped it clean, a Genie appeared... The genie said to the man, "Okay, I've been in there for a long time, and I really want to party, so make your three wishes quickly."
The man replied "Okay, for my first wish, I want a limo." Boom, a limo appeared. "For my second wish, I want the limo filled with money," the man said. Poof, it was done.
"And for my last wish I want a railroad built to Hawaii," the man said. The genie looked at the man, and said "Hang on a second, that's impossible! Do you know how long it would take me to try to build that??? Think of something else that wouldn't take as long," the genie begged.
The man thought for a second and finally said, "Okay, I want a better understanding of my wife."
The genie thought for a while and said, "Let's skip sidings and go for double tracks to start with from Honolulu to LA... and now did you want a steamer or a diesel with that?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Road Rage
A engineer is driving north on a fairly winding rural road and spots his conductor heading his way. The conductor is driving the same road but in the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the conductor leans out the window and hollers "PIG." The engineer just smirks, sticks up his central finger. and yells back "B------." They each continue on their way. As the engineer rounds the next curve, he runs into a huge pig that is just lying in the middle of the road. The engineer is killed instantly in the accident.
The moral of this story? If engineers would only listen…
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Example
A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.
"Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You're not going to spend it on liquor, are you?"
"No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
"You're not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
"You wouldn't waste the money at a model train store to improve your layout, would you?" asks the man.
"No, never," says the bum, "I don't play with trains."
The gentleman then asks the bum if he would like to come back to his house for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they're heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
The bum asks: "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play with trains."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[zardoz]

sorry, just can't stop.....

The Inflatable Commuter (true story)
A Tokyo commuter Katsuo K. [last name abbreviated] caused havoc on a crowded tube train when his inflatable underpants unexpectedly went off. The rubber underwear was made by Katsuo himself, and designed to inflate to 30 times their original size in the event of a tidal wave.

"I am terrified of water, and death by drowning is my greatest fear" said Katsuo, 48. Unfortunately he set them off accidentally while looking for a hard candy on a rush hour train. The swelling underpants began to crush everyone in the car to the walls until another passenger successfully stabbed them with a pencil.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the Judge Needs a Translator! Accident Report
At a wreck investigation, a brakeman was describing his version of the wreck: "The con was filipping the tissue in the doghouse; the hind shack was freezing a hot tub, near the hind end; tallow pot was cracking diamonds in the tank; Eagle Eye was down greasing the pig; and I was bending the rails when they hit us."
Under cross-examination this was translated to mean that the conductor was examining his orders in the cupola (of the caboose). The rear brakeman was cooling off a journal (bearing on which the axle rests). The fireman was breaking coal. The engineer was oiling the engine, and the head brakeman was throwing a switch, when the collision took place.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Bed of Rails" Chicago Tribune 8/11/97
James Aliff knew right off that something was wrong when he awoke the afternoon of Aug. 2. It took just a few seconds to figure out what — he was lying on railroad tracks and a 109-car freight train was passing directly over him.
"Oh, there was no mistaking it." Aliff said from his hospital bed in Oak Hill, Florida. "They'd put the brakes on, and there was squealing and sparks flying all around me."
Aliff, a 39-year-old unemployed construction worker, emerged from the accident with a long list of injuries, none of them life-threatening. "I got a headache, let me tell you," he said. "About every three or four seconds an axle would come along and crack me upside the head. It's a good thing I wasn't on my back or that train would have torn my face off."
Police believe Aliff might have been drinking and passed out on the track. Aliff said he slipped on a rock while walking his dog and was knocked out. His wife backed that up.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
British Rail & The Chicken Gun (unfortunately true...)
The US FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the aircraft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break, it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if very thing was done correctly. The FAA checked everything and suggested that they might want to repeat the test using a thawed chicken.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

stop me, stop me; oh please somebody stop me.........


Really, I'm done for today. Really. I promise. I can give it up any time if I want to.

[Anonymous]

zardoz [:p] [:)] [;)]

Sometimes ya just gotta let it all out. [:o)] [:I] [8)] [:X] [^] [:0] [B)] [:p] [:)]

Now there, feel better now ? lol [:D] [:D] [:D]

[dharmon]

I had heard a similiar story to that one invloving Lear jets. When the Lear jets first came out they were basically the fastest civil airplane out there. The was some criticism about safety and to prove the point, Mr Lear was going to sit in the seat when they fired the chicken cannon at the plane. His folks were a bit concerned and faked an urgent phone call to get him out of the cockpit. Right after he left they fired it and it went through the windshield and cockpit bulkhead and imbedded in the rear of the plane. The irony was that they too had forgotten to thaw the chicken. I'm not sure if there is a windhield that can withstand a 600 kt collison with a frozen fowl.....a muddy one maybe, but why in the world would mudchicken be going that fast anyway?

[Anonymous]

Some one-liners for the Finally Friday edition . . .





1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12.What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

[brilondon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

WOW LOL....

Hey what is a vesectomy anyways??









I'm kidding..

I think its something women made up to make men calmer and more obedient. Maybe I am thinking of someting else.

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

zardoz [:p] [:)] [;)]

Sometimes ya just gotta let it all out. [:o)] [:I] [8)] [:X] [^] [:0] [B)] [:p] [:)]

Now there, feel better now ? lol [:D] [:D] [:D]

Yes I do. Thanks,[:D]

[Anonymous]

The rest of the . . . one-liners [8D]



13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Don't blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley and a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag

19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce
The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

[Anonymous]

I have to give credit to Joe for sending me these, Thanks Joe. [:)]



After school one day, a young first-grade boy was sitting at the
kitchen table, eating his afternoon snack, when he blurted out,
"Mom, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or
sisters who will be coming to school."

The boy's mother replied, "That's nice of her to take such an
interest, dear. What did she say when you told her you are the
only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"



All you really need to know about Government and Bureaucracy:

Pythagorean theorem: ............................. 24 words.
Lord's prayer: ................................... 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: ........................... 67 words.
10 Commandments: ................................. 179 words.
Gettysburg address: .............................. 286 words.
Declaration of Independence: ................... 1,300 words.
US Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

[Anonymous]

A few more from Joe [:)]



zardoz . . . . . . this one is for you . . . . . . . enjoy . . . . .



Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.

At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch
as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks
an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective
seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the
engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever
with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they
buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one
perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a
restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

[Anonymous]

I posted this one in another thread a couple of months ago. I just ran across it and thought I would import it into this thread.




Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked!

10. No one ever steals your chair.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

5. To stop those creepy programmer guys from looking down your blouse.

4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants."

3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources.

2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And...drum roll...the Number One reason to go to work naked :

Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your *** in here by 8:00!"
ever again.

[zardoz]

jhhtrainsplanes-

Thanks, Jim, for the [:D][:D], you brightened up an otherwise gloomy Sunday morning.

[JoeKoh]

heres a couple for Tuesday(election day)
the shortest distance between two jokes is a perfect speech
and you'll never know how dirty your hands are until you peel a hardboiled egg or enter politics,please remember to vote
stay safe
joe

[Anonymous]

LOL Jim, that was Quite Funny!!

Actually, i did that to one fo my friends when they got on the train. I asked him to see his ticket, and he showed it to me, I crumpled it up in front of him and threw it out the window and told him his ticket was no good, WHY you say? For absolutely NO reason whatsoever..

Pitty, he spent 5.75 on the damn thing too!

I told him that if the inspectors decided to pop up from underneith their cardboard box, that i'd tell them he was with me, So it was all good!

He STILL spent 5.75 for nothing!! HAHAHA!!
I'm so cruel...

(p.s. 550 posts)

[Anonymous]

A little more humor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .


FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San
Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.
After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the
dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.

The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza
parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his
colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and
was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all
conversations at the hospital.

Agent: I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the
front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to
the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents there?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: We've collected a pool of cash.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: Yes.

Pizza Man: With guns?

Agent: That's right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas
and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the
front doors locked.

Pizza Man: You must be crazy!

*Click*

[brilondon]

There was this cockney gentleman who was not very religious, who was trying to decide whom he should merry. He had a choice of two very beautiful women. One of the women was a beautiful blonde named Sandra. The other woman was and equally stunning brunette named Maria. He was so lost he thought that he would go and see what the Lord would tell him who he should merry. He went into this Cathedral. Inside, he saw this huge cross. It told him to 'ave Maria.