Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

It is almost Monday so I am going to "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of our humor .........

After Mookie sees this one I will probally be in Dutch the rest of the week. [}:)]



FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl
in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

It is almost Monday so I am going to "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of our humor .........

After Mookie sees this one I will probally be in Dutch the rest of the week. [}:)]



FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl
in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

Jim,

If you start the cat thing. I will be forced, obligated even to join in.....we've had enough on the left coast lately and I don't need MlaM setting anymore fires. So stop, right now. [:)]

[JoeKoh]

Meow![:)]
found in the church bulletin

22 people attended the special meeting at mrs smiths house.Mrs smith and Mrs potter sang a duet the lord knows why.

Just a reminder Pastor is on vacation this week but the secratary will be here to take massages.

the ladies bible study will be 10 am thursday.Lunch will be served when the B.S. is done.
enjoy your day![8D]
stay safe
Joe

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

It is almost Monday so I am going to "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of our humor .........

After Mookie sees this one I will probally be in Dutch the rest of the week. [}:)]



FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl
in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

Jim,

If you start the cat thing. I will be forced, obligated even to join in.....we've had enough on the left coast lately and I don't need MlaM setting anymore fires. So stop, right now. [:)]

Fortunately, M la Moo found some humor in this and wants to explain she doesn't have to walk bow-legged like some of her feline counterparts!

MLM

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

It is almost Monday so I am going to "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of our humor .........

After Mookie sees this one I will probally be in Dutch the rest of the week. [}:)]



FIRE TRUCK

A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a little girl
in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a garden hose
coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter takes a
closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.
"Thanks," the girl says.
The fire fighter notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and
to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I
think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren.

[:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]

Jim,

If you start the cat thing. I will be forced, obligated even to join in.....we've had enough on the left coast lately and I don't need MlaM setting anymore fires. So stop, right now. [:)]

Dan [8D]

Since I wouln't want to "start" anything I will try (some anyway) to avoid the feline jokes. I will go "on the wagon" ha ha, and not one pulled by our house pets. [:p]

I have seen Mookie called and referred to by several names but fortunately arsonist isn't one of them. Therefore, I don't believe you have anything to worry about from she or me.

It looks like I have dodged a bullet with this one. Mikey likes it and so do Da Mook.

Now since this IS Monday I must begin getting ready for work ( that nasty four letter word).

Until later, as Joe would say, stay safe ( and watch out for the firetrucks). [:D] [:D] [:D]

[dharmon]

Whew!!!!! Cause I love cats too....[}:)]......they make great aircraft chocks....[:D][:D][:D]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Whew!!!!! Cause I love cats too....[}:)]......they make great aircraft chocks....[:D][:D][:D]

HISS!!!!!! May one of those chocks bite you on the ankle!

Mz Mookie!!!!!

[dharmon]

I knew it! I did a little nip on cats....[:D] and now I'm having problems accessing anything but the last post...I can go anywhere on the site but to forum index.....only the last post.........It's the curse of the Mook. I told him not to do it......now I'm cursed, banished to forum purgatory.[:(][xx(]

Cats are good, cats are great...
I'll keep them off the humor plate,
I won't use them to chock a plane,
Not in the rain, or in Spain,
or on a train,
I will not blaspheme cats or mook,
now give me access back to root (directory).....[B)]

[adrianspeeder]

Jim, OUCH

Adrianspeeder

[Anonymous]

And now for our next edition of the humor thread paper . . .

We seem to be on a roll with animals, now here come the mice and deer . . .

don't forget to put on your hunter orange before reading the last one . . . . . . .



Hi All..Just a quick note to wish ya'll a great week
and tell you about a couple of household products I
bought over the weekend. They might just make your
daily life a bit easier too.

First is a "Varmit B-Gone" box that you plug into an
electric socket in your kitchen. It sends out a hi
pitched sound that only varmits can hear (well, with
the exception of my cousin Jethro) and they don't like
it so much they never come in your house agin'. My
sister Bertha has had one for over a year now, and
says she hasn't seen any varmits except for the dozen
or so deaf field mice she's found in her kitchen who
can't hear it.

The second thing I bought is just in time for the deer
season here in Arkansas. It is a thing you put on the
front of your car that repels deer. It makes a sound
as you are drivingthat keeps them from running in
front of you and hitting your car..The only thing you
have to be real careful of is make sure you don't put
it on your car backwards. My brother Homer put his on
his car and went for a long drive down country roads
to check it out. He didn't see no deer but when he
pulled into his driveway when he got back, he noticed
that 24 deer had followed him home.



Now I am selling these "items" for $99.95 and I am sure the demand (by the deer hunters) is going to be great. So make that check out to me and send it real quick, I am certain to sell out really fast and you know you just gotta have it.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

I knew it! I did a little nip on cats....[:D] and now I'm having problems accessing anything but the last post...I can go anywhere on the site but to forum index.....only the last post.........It's the curse of the Mook. I told him not to do it......now I'm cursed, banished to forum purgatory.[:(][xx(]

Cats are good, cats are great...
I'll keep them off the humor plate,
I won't use them to chock a plane,
Not in the rain, or in Spain,
or on a train,
I will not blaspheme cats or mook,
now give me access back to root (directory).....[B)]

Mookie has this under consideration - check back in about spring 04.

[dharmon]

Whenever our server gets busy at work, the internet access is the first thing to start going for some reason. There doesn't seem to be a rhyme or reason for what it does, but I can go to the last post, but not forum topics, but I can get to the topic on the Model Railroader page, but not open any threads. I can go to ESPN, but not open any stories. Just very frustrating. 15 years ago the squadron I was in had 2 computers, and you had to go to a special class to use them..... now, if I can't get to the Trains internet site (instead of say actually working) I complain.

[zardoz]

Witticisms by George Carlin

1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3) Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11) Is there another word for synonym?

12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23) How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?"

24) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

25) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

26) What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27) I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

heehee I'm back...

[vsmith]

Just read this one on the newswire page, had to share it...

Can you hear me now?

NEW YORK CITY – It had to happen eventually: Someone riding a train, in this case, a Metro-North commuter train last Wednesday night, dropped his cell phone into a toilet and for whatever reason, decided to stick his hand in to retrieve it. Not grossed out, yet? Well, the rider got his arm stuck.

Rider Edwin Gallart’s fishing expedition on the 6:19 p.m. Harlem line local out of Grand Central Terminal caused the conductor to have a supervisor come aboard at the next stop, but not even the power of middle management could extract the problem. A rescue crew boarded a few stops farther up the line and halted the train. Firefighters had to use the Jaws of Life and power tools to cut through the toilet, which had to be torn out of the lavatory before being cut open to free Gallart’s arm. Passengers either had to wait for the rescue to be completed or take other trains to their final destinations.

The phone? It never was found. Even if it was, would you ever want to use it again?

[Anonymous]

It's not the first "idiot gets arm stuck in toilet" story either....just the first on an MN train. Some prisoner did something like that a few months ago.....some cellmate told him about a guy getting his arm stuck, and he said "that can't happen"......so the idiot had to prove how impossible it was.....and he got stuck. In his case though they only needed an air chisel.

~Ra'akone

[Anonymous]

It is time once again for . . . HUMP . . . DAY . . . HELPERS yeah raw [:D] [:o)]


Daily Thoughts

"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are
a cheese." Billie Burke

There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of
inquisitive idiots.

"And in the end, it's not the years in your life that
count. It's the life in your years." Abraham Lincoln

[vsmith]

QUOTE:
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of
inquisitive idiots.

As Mr Garrison and Mr Hat say on South Park...

Cartman, " Mr Garrison, can I ask a stupid question?"

"Well, Eric, you know what I always say 'There are no stupid questions, just stupid people',"

[Anonymous]

Ran across a funny picture so here is the link for it.

I believe the caption might say something like this, "What do you MEAN your going to FIX me? [}:)] [8D] [;)]

Better him than me lol [:o)]

http://www.top-greetings.com/N.py?P=20031103

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Ran across a funny picture so here is the link for it.

I believe the caption might say something like this, "What do you MEAN your going to FIX me"? [}:)] [8D] [;)]

Better him than me lol [:o)]

http://www.top-greetings.com/N.py?P=20031103

Mookie, look at the cat in this picture. That is funny. I bet the cat is saying, "Dumb Dawg".

[Mookie]

I like the 3rd place winner - it is an old joke - dog leaning out the window of car headed to the vet - he sees his friend on the corner and sez "Hey I'm going to vet to be tutored!"

Mookie is never that calm - the last trip to the vet, we nearly had to buy the vet a new arm! And he now knows what the term Spitfire means!

Mookie 2

[Mikeygaw]

Now here's a funny one
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=2&u=/nm/20031105/od_nm/odd_germany_joyrider_dc

[Anonymous]

It is Thursday now so it is time for a new edition of our humor paper.

I have seen these before but I don't remember where. If someone has posted these in the forums then forgive me for repeating them.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again
asked readers to take any word from the dictionary,
alter it by adding or subtracting one letter, and
supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners:

1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.

2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3) Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

4) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for
the purpose of getting laid.

5) Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.

6) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic
wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you
are running late.

9) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got
extra credit.)

11) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending
off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like,
the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12) Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.

13) Glibido: All talk and no action.

14) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15) Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

16) Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

17) Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an
***.




__________________________________

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw

Now here's a funny one
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=573&ncid=757&e=2&u=/nm/20031105/od_nm/odd_germany_joyrider_dc

I know this kid!!!!! I am sure he was our bus driver - more than once!!!!! Especially on those days (many) when the driver didn't seem to know where he was going!!!!!!!!

Mookie

[ironhorseman]

This is one of those stories you hear in church.

A man spent his whole life in the desert. He never saw a train before in his entire life. One day he came across some railroad tracks. He was standing on the tracks wondering what they were for when a steam train came along. He stared at it but never moved. He'd never seen a train before. The train got closer and closer. The engineer kept blowing his whistle but the man wouldn't move. The engineer slammed on the breaks but the train still hit the man. The man wasn't killed but spent some time in the hospital. After he was released from the hospitial he spent some time recuperating at a rest home. The nurse taking care of him set a tea kettle on the stove and when the water began boiling the tea kettle began whistling. The man heard this whistle, jumped out of bead, grabbed a broom, and smashed the tea kettle to bits. The nurse witnessed this incident and asked why he did that. The man replied, "you've got to get them while they're young."

I'm sure there's some moral to the story and I think it has something to do with Hollywood leading our kids down a moral sewer, I don't know.

Anyway, gotta go.

[Anonymous]

All right, it's Friday and yall know what that means, yes that is it , it's time for the Finally Friday edition of our humor paper.


I don't have a joke right now to share with you but I will give you this link and let you go to it. It is not a joke. It is however very serious -- a tribute and a prayer for our firefighters. They deserve all the praise and attention we can give them along with all of our service people and police officiers.

http://www.funone.com/03/10/firefighters_prayer/index.cfm

[Anonymous]

Next edition . . . Saturday's Silly Season [:)]

Here we go again, a new silly joke for this season of cooler and colder weather. (FYI silly season also has a newspaper slant)


An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.
Every time the young man looked, the old man
was staring. The young man finally said sarcastcally "What's the matter
old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had
sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

[brilondon]

Here is a little something from the pulpit.

There was this baptist preacher who thought only baptists get into heaven. His sermons were very rough on other religions. He always was putting them down and telling them that they would not get into heaven. One day he was the visiting preacher at another baptist church. He asked for a show of hands of all those who were baptists. Everyone raised their hands except for 1 person. The preacher asked him what he was. He answered he was Methodist. The preacher then asked him why he was mentodist. The parishoner answered, because his father and grand father were both methodists. The Baptist preacher then repeated what his answer was. You are a methodist because your father was methodist and your grand father was menthodist. The preacher then asked him if his father was a moron and his grandfather was a moron what would that make you? He thought for a second and answered, a Baptist.

[Anonymous]

We haven't had a post today in the "paper' so I thought I would add this little poem. It is not funny. But I think many of our "readers" will be touched by it. I hope it blesses your night or day and that you find a way to pass it along. [^]


http://www.debsfunpages.com/funpages/view.cfm/624

[Anonymous]

It is now Monday so I will "deliever" the Monday Madness edition of the paper. I have another posting that is not funny. I was cleaning up and out my hard drive tonight and ran across this. I don't remember who sent it to me, but this silly sentimental guy was touched by it and needed to pass it along. I hope you find a place for it in your life and maybe can use it to touch others.



The Ballgame

This will give you cold chills, but puts life into perspective. At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the school's students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question.; "Everything God does is done with perfection. Yet, my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is God's plan reflected in my son?"

The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like Shay into the world, an opportunity to realize the Divine Plan presents itself. And it comes in the way people treat that child." Then, he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" Shay's father knew that most boys would not want him on their team. But the father understood that if his son were allowed to play it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging.

Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said," We are losing by six runs, and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in ninth inning." In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. At the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the outfield. Although no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be on the field, grinning from ear to ear, as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base.

Shay was scheduled to be the next at-bat. Would the team; actually let Shay bat at this juncture and give away their; chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher. The pitcher; picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first. Run to first." Never in his life had Shay ever made it to first base.

He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled "Run to second, run to second!" By the time Shay was rounding first base, the right fielder; had the ball. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for a tag. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions had been, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head. Shay ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home. As Shay reached second base, the opposing shortstop ran to him, turned him in the direction of
third base, and shouted, "Run to third!" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams were screaming, "Shay! Run home!" Shay ran home, stepped on home plate
and was cheered as the hero, for hitting a "grand slam" and winning the game for his team. "That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face," the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of the Divine Plan into this world."

And now, a footnote to the story. We all send thousands of jokes through e-mail without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages regarding life
choices, people think twice about sharing. The crude, vulgar, and sometimes the obscene pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of decency is too often suppressed in school and the workplace. If you are thinking about forwarding this message, you are probably thinking about which people on your address list aren't the "appropriate" ones to receive this type of message. The person who sent this to you believes that we can all make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities a day to help realize God's plan. So many seemingly trivial interactions
between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a spark of the Divine?
Or do we pass up that opportunity, and leave the world a bit colder in the process?

You have two choices now:
1. Delete this.
2. Forward it to the people you care about. You know the choice I made

[Anonymous]

It is now Wednesday and time for . . . Hump Day Helpers


I don't have a joke to post but will share a saying of the day instead.


Take a mental walk through the cancer wards, the insane asylums, the homeless ghettoes, the children's hospitals . . . and then re-ask yoursel what is bothering you. Gary W. Fenchuk Timeless Wisdom