Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

zardoz . . .

You have to stop talking to Duchess. I think you and she are working together way to much here. She has already learned about half of your tricks. Now if you can just teach her NOT TO TEAR UP THE COUCH.

[zardoz]

An English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Punctuation is everything!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For Ed:

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto-makers for the past five-years.
The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto-makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, crap!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing.
Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.
Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Rippington says, "I'll tell him."


that's enough for now

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Audience ...

A round of applause please for zardoz

zardoz . . . take a bow . . . and "throw" kisses . . . while humbly saying "Thank you"

GREAT JOB TODAY [:D] [:D] [:D] When I can pick myself up off the floor I might say something else. [8D]

thank yew, thank yew....[:X][:X][:X]

[:D]

[Anonymous]

Here we go ! ............again , [:D][:D][8D]...... This is an actual billboard sign which was posted at Indianapolis blvd. & I-94 in Northwest Indiana , southeast of Chicago . " Free reading lessons for the illiterate." sponsored by the .......... ( don't really want people to know how dumb they are ) chamber of commerce . They , then had a phone number to call . --------- "only in America " - Phil [8D][:D]

[edblysard]

Big Z,
That one goes just right with Mookies "how to say "I love you" in Texan.
"Nice ***, get in the truck".
Funny, both are mostly true!
Stay Frosty,
Ed[:D]

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

9: And when it snows a foot - go to the very edge of the property - and then whine cuz your paws have frozen snow on them and lie down. The human will gladly walk 50 feet in a foot of snow to pick you up and carry you all the way back to the house!

Aw, Jen, I always felt you were just a big softie at heart [:)]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Audience ...

A round of applause please for zardoz

zardoz . . . take a bow . . . and "throw" kisses . . . while humbly saying "Thank you"

GREAT JOB TODAY [:D] [:D] [:D] When I can pick myself up off the floor I might say something else. [8D]

thank yew, thank yew....[:X][:X][:X]

[:D]

Senor Z,

When I become dictator of some small central american nation......you will be appointed as minister of humor[:)][:)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Here we go again . . . Wednesday already, that means it's time for . . . Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . . .yeah, cheer, raw, raw , raw


This is a good one, made me laugh real hard, hope you enjoy it tooooooo


Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown,

B U T . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

IT ONLY TAKES 4 MUSCLES TO EXTEND YOUR ARM AND SMACK SOME IDIOT UPSIDE THE HEAD. [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]


N E X T


A good friend will come bail you out of jail . . . . . . . .but a true friend will be setting next to you saying, "We screwed up".

I thought it was: A good friend will come bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be sitting beside you saying "That WAS F^*%ing Awesome!!

Maybe thats the Canadian version?? [:D]

[sooblue]

One of my wifes favorite sayings:
All men are idiots and I married the king.

I say:
I didn't knock the mirror off the side of the car while I was trying to spit gum out of the window.
SooBlue

[Anonymous]

Hope Ms. Mookie'll like this one better:

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. Picking it
up, he pulls out the cork... Sure enough, out pops a huge blue genie. The
genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from my prison. In return I will grant
you three wishes." The man says "Perfect.... I always dreamed of this and I
know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank
account." Suddenly, there is a flash of light and a detailed list with Swiss
Bank account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a
brand new red Ferrari right here." There is another flash of light and a
bright red Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want
to be irrestible to women." A final blaze of light and he turns into a box
of chocolates.

Dear Abby: A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a
middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a
man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be
Lebanese?
Dear Abby: What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on
my VCR?
Dear Abby: I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even
sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby: I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the
pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should
share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with
him.
Dear Abby: I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I
confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would
never happen again.
Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was
raised in a Good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $60 an hour
every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby: Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little
gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.
Dear Abby: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause.
Dear Abby: You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to
send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago
and he is a doctor.

Sorry, couldn't find the one with trains. Have a nice week-end Y'all!
Oliver

[zardoz]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good
dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Hour logically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I
can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of
the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.

"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[tree68]

OK, this is clearly not railroad, but is an exceedingly funny rewrite of a classic routine. I know it's long, but it's worth every second you spend rolling on the floor... It does help if you're familiar with the world of Microsoft (Sorry, The AntiGates)

- Abbott & Costello at the PC Store

If you remember the classic comedy routine "Who's on first" by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, the following puts them in the 21st century.


ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No; my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I'm here to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and some software.

ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

COSTELLO: No; on the computer. I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know; run a business. What have you got?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommended something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: Okay; what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes; for my office.

ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows. Let's say I'm sitting at my computer and want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
But what program do I load?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about word for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie on the Internet?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Now what do I need to watch it?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: If it's along movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: RealOne.

COSTELLO: Okay; so I'm at my computer and want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue 1.

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

ABBOTT: Of course, it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows.

ABBOTT: No; just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes; although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other words.

COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

ABBOTT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: Never mind. I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans and so on. What do you have to help me with my money?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: Not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Exactly and no extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
How much money do I get?

ABBOTT: Just one copy.

COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?

ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.

COSTELLO: Well; it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: You sell money?

ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: MYOB? What does that stand for?

ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

ABBOTT: No; that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.

COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.
You know ..... accounting? You do it with money.

ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.

COSTELLO: More money?

ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.

COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay? Let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might....what's the word?
Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I do to restore my data?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?

ABBOTT: GoBack.

COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

ABBOTT: I never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back.
What do I need to write a proposal?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in the Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But that's three words in.....oh never mind.

ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh well.....Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?

(The copy I got credited an Aussie)

[Anonymous]

Sorry I was a little late starting the . . . Finally Friday edition of our humor . . . but I see others have went to press and got it to your doorstep. I have had toooooo much awake and not enough sleep here lately and it has caught up with me. Anyway, here is my contribution for today's edition.


This has been around in various forms, so it is not new, but it still is funny.



CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.
After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film -- like substance on his plate and
he questioned his grandfather...."are these plates
clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as
cold water can get them, so go on and finish your
meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his
grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks
around the edge of his plate, and a substance
that looked like dried egg yokes..... so he ask
again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather
says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as
cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it
anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get
dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his
grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let
him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let
me out"

Without diverting his attention from the football game
he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted,
"COLDWATER, Go lay down!"

[Anonymous]

Jim, that was very funny.
Thank you for sharing the joke.

[zardoz]

For the upcoming Holidays:

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my pike,
Not a steamer was stirring, not even a Mike.
My yard tracks invitingly empty and bare,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The diesels were nestled all snug in their sheds,
While visions of DCC danced in their heads.
While I, in my blue-and-white engineers cap,
Had just settled down for a long winters nap,
When down in the train room, there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the basement I flew like an ace,
Tripped over the cat and fell flat on my face.
I stifled a curse meant for Chessie (the cat),
And I muttered to no one, "I meant to do that,"

When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But an HO-scale sleigh and eight Preiser reindeer,
With an engineer driving, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick

More rapid than GG-1's, onward they came,
And he blew a steam whistle and called them by name:
"On Athearn! On Lionel, Kato and Walthers!
On Kadee and Micro-Trains, Atlas and others!

To the top of the mountains of Hydrocal plaster,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away faster!"
As dry leaves that behind a new Genesis fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,

So in through the window the coursers they flew
With the sleigh full of trains, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, on my roundhouse, I saw on the roof
The prints in the dust of each HO-scale hoof.

As I drew a deep breath, and was turning around,
From beneath the bench work, St. Nick came with a bound.
He was dressed like an engineer from head to foot,
And his clothes had that fine smell of ashes and soot;

A bundle of trains he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes - just like marker lights! Dimples, how merry!
His cheeks like a Warbonnet, nose like a cherry!

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And his beard was so white, it would please Phoebe Snow.
He puffed on a pipe as he refilled its bowl,
And the smoke, it smelled just like bituminous coal.

He had a broad face and a belly (I found)
That shook like a tank car with wheels out-of-round.
He was chubby and plump, and I wanted to shout,
"Yes! The mans got a route the UP can't buy out!"

A wink of his eye as he passed near the door
Soon gave me to know I'd have freight cars galore.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work.
He filled all my yard tracks; then turned with a jerk,

And leaving an airbrush he'd found on eBay,
And giving a nod, he returned to his sleigh.
He pumped up the brakes, blew two blasts on his whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! KEEP 'EM ROLLING! GOOD NIGHT!"

Author Unknown.

[zardoz]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.

While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ***-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and ba***he teakettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal.

His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[Anonymous]

This really isn't funny but I put it here because I know Dan would see it. Our strip crew is responsible for removing everything from the aircraft and unhooking all kinds of connectors. They forgot to take the connector off one of the emergency batteries the other day and last night one of our installers accidentally hit a breaker and set off a fire bottle. Now if that wasn't bad enough he did IT again. So now there are 2 fire bottles that the mecs have to change. I am not a mec, I am an installer / tec so I don't have to fool with them. I am very sure that the mecs aren't laughting. Just one of "those things" ya know. [:(]

[Anonymous]

I guess everyone is dry today (jokeless) so I will throw this poor little feller out. He ain't to funny, but somepun is better than nuttin. [:D]


A Sunday school class was studying the Ten
Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it
was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou
shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."


This hits home for me tonight. Our weather is -- just started to rain and now a little chilly.

[CG9602]

This is in reply to a request made on the "Stupid Questions" thread.

The story has made the rounds of several groups of S Wisconsin railfans and RR employees:
A fellow was working the train that went from Janesville to Madison, and had stopped at a small community about mid-way to grab a bite to eat. It was still early enough in the eveningthat many locals were raoming around downtown. He had an individual, come up to him and ask a few questions.
"you work on the railroad?" apparently watching this employee climb down from the engine wasn't proof enough. The employee responded that he was the conductor of that particular freight train.

The individual then asked the conductor: "How do you manage to steer these things?"
To which the conductor told the individual about all the facts, like how trains travel via fixed guideways, how the wheels have flanges that help keep the cars on the rails, etc., etc. The individual acted as if the conductor was playing a joke on him the entire time![:)] He would say things like"You're kidding! Then what are those wheels for on the end of each car on the train?"

Conductor: " Those are hand brakes. You use them to secure cars when you cut them away from the train, or can't rely on the air brakes for an extended period."

Individual (who is now befuddled, and continues to think that there is a joke being played on him. He refuses to believe that the train can't be steered in the same sense that a car is turned) : "****, you're just pulling my leg! Those are steering wheels! Who do you think you're fooling? Those must be steering wheels, they gotta be!"

Conductor: " Seriously, sir, I'm telling the truth. We don't have steering wheels. The wheel sets are free floating, and they are guided into place by the flanges on each wheel. Would you like to look in the engine cab to see for yourself?"

Individual: " No, that's alright." With a disgusted look on his face, he went his way.

Clueless people.


It seemed funny to me when I first heard of it. I guess you just had to be there. [:D][:D]

[Anonymous]

Here we go again, more humor. [8D]


Daily Thoughts

A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds
balance to your steps as you walk the tightrope of
life." William Arthur Ward

Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot
of walls.


Mookie, this one is for you, I think you will enjoy it [:p]



Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's
Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing
house last Thursday, according to the Associated
Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback,
stupefied...


Yall have a great day as we start this new week. [:)] [:p] [8D] [:o)] [:I] [:p] [:D] [:)]

[zardoz]

How much do you know about:

Railroads

1. The first railroad line in America was 16 miles long. It was built by Delaware and Hudson Canal Co. in: a-1840, b-1829, c-1820, d-1850.

2. Early locomotives were powered by: a-Oil, b-Gasoline, c-Electricity, d-Steam.

3. The grill on the front of a locomotive was called a: Cow catcher, b-Bumper, c-Plow, d-Hot dogger.

4. In 1887, Congress set up an agency to curb the power of railroads called a- The Department of the Interior, b-The Department of Labor, c-The Interstate Commerce Commission, d-The U.S. Railroad Administration.

5. Early passenger cars were heated by: a-Kerosene, b-Oil, c-Pot-bellied stoves, d-Steam.

6. Since 1859, this railroad car made cross-country trips less tiring: a-The club car, b-The dining car, c-The Pullman car, d-The caboose.

7. The first underground railroad, or subway, was built in 1863 under: a-London, b-Chicago, c-Tokyo, d-New York City.

8. The years of 1900 to 1925 were called: a-The golden age of railroads, b-The developmental period, c-The Pullman era, d-The diesel era.

9. After World War II, railroad business declined because: a-Gas was no longer rationed, b- Airline travel increased, c-There were more trucks and buses, d-All of the above.

10. By the early '50s, there were many "growlers," or: a-Diesel locomotives, b-Freight loaders, d-Conductors, d-Electric locomotives.

11: Today, the only country that has not nationalized its railroads is: a-Japan, b-U.S.A., c-Italy, d-China.


answers tonight

[zardoz]

In the spirit of Abbott & Costello (who I borrowed from earlier).....

Who's calling?"
>"Watt."
>"What is your name, please?"
>"Watt's my name."
>"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
>"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
>
>A long pause, and then from Watt,
>
>"Is this James Brown?"
>"No, this is Knott."
>"Please tell me your name."
>"Will Knott."
>
>Why not?
>Huh? What do you mean why not?
>Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?
>But I told you my name!
>Didn't you say you will not?
>Not not, knott, Will Knott!
>That's what I mean.
>So you know my name.
>Of course not!
>Good. So now, what is yours?
>Watt. Yours?
>Your name!
>Watt's my name.
>How the hell do I know? I am asking you!
>Look I have been very patient and I have told you my
>name and you have not even told me yours yet.
>You have been patient, what about me? I have told
>You my name so many times and it is you who have not
>told me yours yet.
>Of course not!
>See, you even know my name!
>Of course not!
>Then why do you keep saying of course Knott?
>Because I don't.
>
>[Pause]
>
>What is your name?
>See, you know my name!
>Of course not!
>Then why do you keep asking Watt is your name?
>To find out your name!
>But you already know it!
>What?
>See, and you know mine!
>Of course not!
>Exactly!
>
>Listen, listen, wait; if I asked you what your name
>is, what will be your answer?
>Watt's my name.
>No, no, give me only one word.
>Watt
>Your name!
>Right!
>
>[pause before it hits him]
>
>Oh, Wright!
>Yeah!
>So why didn't you say it before?
>I told you so many times!
>You never said Wright before
>Of course I did.
>Ok I won't argue any more. Do you know my name?
>I do not.
>Well, there you go, now we know each other's name.
>I do not!
>Good!
>
>[pause before it hits him]
>
>Oh, Guud!
>Good.
>No wonder, it took me so long, is that Dutch?
>No, it's Knott!
>Oh, okay. At least the names are clear now Guud.
>Yes Wright.

[zardoz]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives: (and to you, also, "the Antigates)


At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would cra***wice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[edblysard]

1: C
2: D
3: A
4: C
5: C
6: C
7: A
8: A
9: D
10: D
11: B

[vsmith]

Riddle
>
> >
> > Schwartzenegger has a big one
> >
> > Michael J. Fox has a small one
> >
> > Madonna doesn't have one
> >
> > The Pope has one but doesn't use his
> >
> > Clinton uses his all the time
> >
> > Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
> >
> > George Burns' was hot
> >
> > Liberace never used his on women
> >
> > Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
> >
> > We never saw Lucy use Desi's
> >
> > What is it?
> >
> > Answer below! (this is really good)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The answer is: "A Last Name."
> >
> > You didn't think I'd send you a dirty joke, now did you?

[zardoz]

According to the source from where this was from:

Answer to Trivia Teaser: Railroads

1. b-1829, used to haul coal.
2. d-Steam.
3. a-Cow catcher
4. c-The Interstate Commerce Commission.
5. c-Pot-bellied stoves.
6. c-The Pullman car.
7. a-London.
8. a-The golden age of railroads.
9. d-All of the above.
10. a-Diesel locomotives.
11. b-The U.S.A.

[edblysard]

10 out of 11 aint bad...

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

10 out of 11 aint bad...

Congratulations - but we really prefer "Bad!"....

Mook

[Anonymous]

Here we go again, it's time for . . . . . Hump Day Helpers [:D]


Thought for the day . .

Ever notice that it is when you are the brokest you have been in six months that all of the little extras become needed, things like coffee filters, trash bags, laundry soap, fabric softener sheets, any of the real expensive seasonings and spices, aluminum foil, sandwich bags, a new can of coffee, stamps and envelopes. It is also during this time that you notice your check book is low on checks and when looking for a replacement book find the box empty, just like your wallet or purse.

Freebie thought for the day . . .

Ever notice that the garbage truck always comes at noon. That is until you forget to put the trash out the night before. Then it arrives at your home at 7:30 am.

Another freebie . . .

Ever notice that the postman always comes just before noon. That is until you are trying to fini***he letter you are writing. Then he arrives 2 hours early.

[Anonymous]

Observation and Question


Down here out city is real good about picking up almost anything you set out at the curb. The will not accept paint or chemicals or tires, but they will pick up and remove almost anything else. Wednesday is garbage truck day, (and now recycle pick up day -- good for them) and Thursday is the day anything else is removed. Anything you set out at the curb on Thursday is apt to be looked through by every other passer-by. Just this morning my neighbor set out about 6 boxes. Just a few minutes ago some lady in a small truck stopped and went through every box placing a few items in the bed of the truck. About two years ago I replaced my cook stove with a new one. The old one was set out at the curb and it wasn't but about 15 minutes before someone was loading it up into their truck. It wasn't the city picking it up just someone passing by.

This is my question. What do they DO with all this junk they rummage through and take away? Is this what becomes "Yard Sale" junk? Now we are not talking good merchandise here but junk and stuff people throw away. It also made me wonder about all the kids clothing that is bought at garage sales / yard sales. I hope whoever buy it washes it first. Anyway, just a few "off the top of my head" comments and questions for the "what is it worth" department.