Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Why do they have Interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called buildings, shouldn't they be builts?
And would a Superconductor be NS's employee of the month?

~Ra'akone

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Hi Miz Moo,

Speaking of frivolous,

I just woke up, had a cup of coffee, now I need to shave, bru***he rug, that kinda stuff.
You wouldnt happen to know where wabash left the mirror, do you?
Stay Frosty,
Ed[8D]

Bergie confiscated it!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Hi Miz Moo,

Speaking of frivolous,

I just woke up, had a cup of coffee, now I need to shave, bru***he rug, that kinda stuff.
You wouldnt happen to know where wabash left the mirror, do you?
Stay Frosty,
Ed[8D]

Bergie confiscated it!

I'm not sure about the mirror but I'm glad he confiscated something else.

[dharmon]

Reminds me a cartoon in Navy Times a few years ago. A couple of young ladies were sitting in an office looking at three Navy pilots looking in the front window. One of the girls says, "Don't worry they're not looking at us, they're checking out their reflections in the window..."

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Reminds me a cartoon in Navy Times a few years ago. A couple of young ladies were sitting in an office looking at three Navy pilots looking in the front window. One of the girls says, "Don't worry they're not looking at us, they're checking out their reflections in the window..."

Dan, we gotta talk - you are good for my funny bone!

Mook

[Anonymous]

Dan [8D]

I chuckled over the navy joke too.

With all the commotion over the thread gone wrong I missed your second star.

Therefore, let me say:

Condratulations on your new star. [:)] [:D] [^]

[dharmon]

Thanks.

Some of them were not earned well.

Two more and maybe they'll give me command of Fifth Fleet.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Thanks.

Some of them were not earned well.

Two more and maybe they'll give me command of Fifth Fleet.

I got four and all they gave me was a bad time!

[dharmon]

Yeah, but you went for the tiara. All I want is command of a large fleet. Much easier for them to accomodate.

[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)
)][:)][:)][:)][:)]]
[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)]
)][:)][:)][:)][:)][:)

see ..a fleet. A tiara is MUCH harder.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Yeah, but you went for the tiara. All I want is command of a large fleet. Much easier for them to accomodate.

[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)
)][:)][:)][:)][:)]]
[:)][:)][:)][:)][:)]
)][:)][:)][:)][:)][:)

see ..a fleet. A tiara is MUCH harder.

Is that what it takes to get a fleet?!?!?[:0] Shheeesh, I've got a long way to go.[:(] Maybe it will help that in my case, getting a fleet runs in the family.[8D] Maybe some day I'll get a star.[:D]

Admiral

[Anonymous]

I'm even further than you are from a fleet!

~Ra'akone

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by raakone

I'm even further than you are from a fleet!

~Ra'akone

Don't worry friend. I'm sure in no time you will be steaming past me, "all ahead full". I don't get to spend as much time in the forum as I would like, but I get here when I can. I don't think you will e-meet a nicer, or more railroad savy, group anywhere. I have been a railfan for years, and considered myself quite knowledgable about the subject, but I never, ever leave this forum without having learned something new, or sharing a smile. If you you don't learn something every time you visit, you probably just didn't look hard enough[:D].

Welcome Ra'akone, and happy forum-ing.

Admiral.

[Anonymous]

K K [:)]

I think you will like this one. [:D]



When our three-year-old son opened the birthday gift
from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He
squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to
drive you crazy with water guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied, "I remember."

[zardoz]

For Kathi & others:

THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOF-READING: [:D]

The following are excerpts from church bulletins nationwide.

Preach it!
--The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks On the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching For Jesus."
--At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Suffer the little children
--Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
--For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
--Sunday School: Children will be led in sinning and Bible study.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Power of Prayer
--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone
who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--Don't let worry kill you. Let the church help.
--Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the worship service...
--This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
the church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, Ladies
--The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. --Ladies'
Bible Study will be held Thursday at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch
in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
--The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which Door Do I Use?
--The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use
the back door.
--Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
--Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW Much Money Should I Give?
--The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan
last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[zardoz]

[:o)] Try this:
>
> While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with
> your right foot.
>
> While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with
> your right hand.
>
> Your foot will change direction.

[zardoz]

ATTN: NO OFFENSE MEANT TO ANYONE-THIS IS HUMOR ONLY

Now that Uday & Qusay Hussein have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known
family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

> >Among the brothers:

Sooflay ............the restaurateur
Guday...............the half-Australian brother
Huray...............the sports fanatic
Sashay..............the gay
brother Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother
Sayhay..............the baseball player
Ojay................the stalker/murderer
Gulay...............the singer/entertainer
Ebay................the internet czar
Biliray.............the country music star
Ecksray.............the radiologist
Puray...............the blender factory owner
Regay...............the half-Jamaican brother
Tupay...............the one with bad hair

> >Among the sisters:

Pusay...............the 'loose' 22 yr old
Lattay..............the coffee shop owner
Bufay...............the 300 pound sister
Dushay..............the clean sister
Phayray.............the zoo worker in the gorilla house
Sapheway............the grocery store owner
Ollay...............the half-mexican sister
Gudlay..............the prostitute

> >More will no doubt be discovered.

[zardoz]

> REDNECK VASECTOMY
> >
> > After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple
> > decided that was enough, as they could not afford a
> > larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian
> > and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to
> > have any more children.
> >
> > The doctor told him that there was a procedure called
> > a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was
> > expensive. "A less costly alternative," said
> > the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,"
> > (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in
> > a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear
> > and count to 10."
> >
> > The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the
> > smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting
> > a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to
> > help me."
> >
> > "Trust me," said the doctor.
> >
> > So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in
> > a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to
> > count:
> >
> > "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ......
> >
> > At which point he paused, placed the beer can between
> > his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.
> >
> > This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky,
> > Arkansas, Mississippi, and West Virginia




OK, I'M DONE NOW.

[vsmith]

BANG! that's a good joke!

Thought I'd throw this on itno the mix...

Subject: New Words for a New Century

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter and supplying
a new definition. Here are the 2001 winners:



Intaxication:

- Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was
your money to start with.



Reintarnation:

- Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



Foreploy:

- Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.



Giraffiti:

- Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



Sarchasm:

- The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.



Inoculatte:

- To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



Hipatitis:

- Terminal coolness.



Osteopornosis:

- A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit)



Karmageddon:

- It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes,
right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.



Glibido:

- All talk and no action.



Dopeler Effect:

- The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you have been
smoking marijuana.



And, the pick of the literature:



Ignoranus:

A person who's both stupid and an *** hole.

[vsmith]

Zardoz, since you seem to be in a more or less religious mood (based on your jokes) try this one ....

A few minutes before the services started in the local church, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

“And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[zardoz]

vsmith-

Those are great !!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

vsmith-

Those are great !!

man are we on a roll today or what? [}:)] [:p] [:)] [:D] [;)]

[Kathi Kube]

Oh, my gosh, those are fabulous! All of them![:D][:D][:D]

I especially like "inoculatte" from vsmith. For years I've been telling people how there should be a way to get coffee intravenously before you even get out of bed. (Mainly because of the truly astonishing number of times I've spilled coffee—usually on myself—trying to get said coffee without the benefits of that very coffee.) I know. I'm a pretty sad case.

I also like your "Redneck vasectomy," Jim. Funny. I was just talking with some good buddies about how life in the south and southwest is different from life in Wisconsin. Hmmmmm... Makes you wonder.

And, jhhtrainsplains Jim, you're right; I do like that one. Even now, I'm taking note on what I might return to my daughters some of the joy they've given me. (My first thought is a movie or tape of silly children's songs my future grandchildren will sing for hours on end.)

Thanks for the Tuesday Funnies!
Kathi

[vsmith]

Thanks Kathy,

My personal favorite is "Sarchasm"...I deal with that one alot, I run meet a lot of people with no WIT !!! I guess they're just a bunch of ignoranuses...LOL

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Kathi Kube

And, jhhtrainsplains Jim, you're right; I do like that one. Even now, I'm taking note on what I might return to my daughters some of the joy they've given me. (My first thought is a movie or tape of silly children's songs my future grandchildren will sing for hours on end.)

Thanks for the Tuesday Funnies!
Kathi

K K [:)]

Do you think that tape may contain some really extra loud and long drum playing?

Next thought ...I know you are much to young to remember this one, but might I suggest Iron Butterfly's In a Godda Divida. (That very well could be spelled wrong but should be close enough to get the point across.) Just a suggestion. [}:)] [:p] [:D]

[Anonymous]

Here we go again . . . hump day helpers [:D]



The Texas VW (English subtitle: If you've got it,
flaunt it.

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls
up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce with Nevada plates
at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells
at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a telephone in
that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the Texan
says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here, see?" the
Texan replies.

The light turns and the Texan drives away.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be
one-upped, so he immediately goes to a customizing
shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of
his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done. He
picks up his car and drives all over town looking for
the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas plates. Finally,
he finds it parked alongside the road, so he pulls
his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he
feels somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of
his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window
of the Volkswagen. The man in the Volkswagen finally
opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in
the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan.
"What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my
Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
TELL ME THAT?!"

[Mookie]

Ok Jim - you have really done it this time! That one goes up on the bulletin board!

I just hope Ed finds it and reads it! He will like it!

Jen

[dharmon]

Okay......

So a P-3C Orion (a relatively large 4 engine anti sub/patrol plane also known as a CP-140 Aurora for the Candian types) is out flying a excerise mission near an aircraft carrier. The pilots look out the window and they realize they've just been interecepted by one of the carriers F-14s.

They fly side by side for a little while and the F14 pilot call over the radio "Watch this!". The F14 does a barrel roll over the top of the P-3 and disappears. A few moments later it comes streaking by in full after burner and then rejoins the P-3.

Not to be out done, the P-3 pilot says "That was really neat, watch this." The F14 crew watches intently to see what the sky pig is going to do, but the P-3 continues to fly straight and level. After about five minutes the F14 calls over and asks when they are are go to do whatever it is they are going to do.....

The P-3 pilot comes back and says..."I already did it, didn't you see? I got up, streched my legs, went to the back, heated up my sandwich in the microwave, used the the head, and made plans with the crew on where we are going to drink beer tonight when we land back at base. Say when are you guys supposed to pull into port?"

[Puckdropper]

In the church my dad preached in a few years ago, we had what were called "Priscillaisms" because his secretary would make errors in the bullitens (quite unintenionally):

For example:
Halloween Party! Come dressed or not!

[Anonymous]

Dan [:)]

You and I know something about airplanes. Alot of people don't. Let me help some of those who might not "get it".

The Orion is a very large 4 engine plane. It is land based. (Anyone remember when the Chinese crashed into one of the American surveillance planes about a year ago and held the crew captive when they made an emergency landing -- the surveillance plane comes from the same family.) The orion would have a very difficult time trying to land on a carrier and is not meant to. The F - 14 a two-man fighter jet is carrier-based and equiped for carrier landing. The Orion is big, slow and not very manueverable, the F-14 is just the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Here's a joke I hope you guys like: (it's a bit long, but still funny)

There's a guy getting his hair cut and talking to his barber.
"So, I've got a two week vacation coming up," says the guy.

"What are you going to do on it?" says the barber.

"My wife and I had planned to take a vacation to Rome," he replies.

"Rome! Why would you want to go tho that horrible place!?" says the barber. "What airline are you taking?"

"We were going to fly American Airlines," he says.

"They're about the worst airline in the world," the barber says. "They have so many crashes, they're understaffed and their planes are really old! So what hotel are you staying at there?"

"We were going to stay at the Plaza Hotel," the guy says.

"The Plaza! They almost got closed down. Their prices are way too high and rooms are dirty," the barber says. "So what do you plan on doing in Rome?"

"Well," the guy says, "we were thinking of seeing the Pope."

"The Pope," the barber says. "Why, he's to busy to bother with anybody."

So the guy goes to Rome and comes back to his barber again to get his hair cut.

"So how was Rome?" the barber asked. "Pretty, awful, huh?"

"Oh no, it was the best vacation I've ever had the guy says.

"The flight was terrible though," the barber says.

"It was great," the guy replies. "We flew in one of their brand new planes, the service was great and we got to Rome ahead of schedule."

"The hotel was bad though. Right?" says the barber.

"Oh no, it was amazing. We got upgraded to one of their delux rooms with a built in swimming pool for no extra charge," the guy says.

"Well I know you didn't get to see the Pope!" says the barber.

"Actually I did," the guy says. "My wife and I were outside the Vatican and this man came up to us and asked us if we'd like to meet the Pope, since he was looking to meet some of his admirers personally. He took us to a room and told us to wait. Then the Pope came in. He said only one thing to me though."

"Well, what did he say?" said the barber.

"Where'd you get that awful haircut!?" the man replies.