Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[vsmith]

Dan and Jim, I think most of us GOT that, I'm still laughing...

While were jokin at the Pope's expense...


A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained his face was plastered with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women,
too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Dan [:)]

You and I know something about airplanes. Alot of people don't. Let me help some of those who might not "get it".

The Orion is a very large 4 engine plane. It is land based. (Anyone remember when the Chinese crashed into one of the American surveillance planes about a year ago and held the crew captive when they made an emergency landing -- the surveillance plane comes from the same family.) The orion would have a very difficult time trying to land on a carrier and is not meant to. The F - 14 a two-man fighter jet is carrier-based and equiped for carrier landing. The Orion is big, slow and not very manueverable, the F-14 is just the opposite.

It's Mookie time - ..... aren't the F14's called Tomcats (don't you just love that!) and the crew that made that above emergency landing - the pilot is from Nebraska!

How am I doing Jim?

Mookie

[Anonymous]

vsmith [:)]

dharmon [:)]

zardoz [:)]


We, as the major entertainers in this thread, ought to take "Our Show" on the road. How much cover charge should be charge? What should we call ourselves? WHEN DO WE PLAY VEGAS?

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Dan [:)]

You and I know something about airplanes. Alot of people don't. Let me help some of those who might not "get it".

The Orion is a very large 4 engine plane. It is land based. (Anyone remember when the Chinese crashed into one of the American surveillance planes about a year ago and held the crew captive when they made an emergency landing -- the surveillance plane comes from the same family.) The orion would have a very difficult time trying to land on a carrier and is not meant to. The F - 14 a two-man fighter jet is carrier-based and equiped for carrier landing. The Orion is big, slow and not very manueverable, the F-14 is just the opposite.

It's Mookie time - ..... aren't the F14's called Tomcats (don't you just love that!) and the crew that made that above emergency landing - the pilot is from Nebraska!

How am I doing Jim?

Mookie

You are correct Madame, they are Tomcats.......sometimes referred to Turkeys also....when they are configured for landing on a carrier, they have their wings swept forward and spread out and don't manuever well at that slow of an airpseed, kind of look like a big ungainly bird all spread out trying to land. They are phenominal airframes though and that they have lasted as long as they have is a true testament to slide rule engineering.

I believe the pilot of the EP-3 Aries that went down in China was from the Midwest. I don't necessarily agree with his course of action, but I wasn't there and won't call his judgement into question. He did an absolutely fantastic job of manhandling the skypig into a safe landing. His airmanship is beyond reproach.

Thanks Jim for the clarification. Kind of like me trying to explain RRs to guys at work.

[Anonymous]

Mookie [:p]

Dan [:)]

Yes Mookie they are but Dan beat me to it.

Yes the pilot did one h *** of a job. And that incident is one of my major reasons for me not wanting to buy anything made in China, also their "products" being about as worthless as a pile of dog s ***. Yes, you may quote me on that one.

I have a poster of an F-14 on my wall. They are very good planes but coming to an end of their service life. They have served well.

[edblysard]

QUOTE: [i]









The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
TELL ME THAT?!"
Wonder how he fit it in, with the Bar B Que pit and the wet bar/pool.
Gonna have to look into that.
Stay Frosty,
Ed[:D]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

QUOTE: [i]









The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO
TELL ME THAT?!"


Wonder how he fit it in, with the Bar B Que pit and the wet bar/pool.
Gonna have to look into that.
Stay Frosty,
Ed[:D]

Easy, he just tapped off the water lines at the kitchen and converted the walk-in closet to a shower....Sheesh, anyone whoever owned a Bug could have told you that...

[dharmon]

Only if it was an older Bug. The new Beetles would require new copper off the hot water heater.

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

Only if it was an older Bug. The new Beetles would require new copper off the hot water heater.

matt wants to know if the new bugs come with a rubber ducky holder.
stay safe
joe

[edblysard]

Yes. and a cute little flower holder.
Right next to the TV.
Ed

[vsmith]

Well I never had that problem with my old Bug...Yes, the ducky holder is built into the jacuzzi in the trunk.

[Anonymous]

Next edition of the Tickle My Funny Bone Times [:o)]



Last Laugh OUCH!!!!

A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet
dachshund.

A passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind
of dog.

The cowboy answered, "Well, somebody told me to get a
long little doggie."

[Mookie]

Mookie is gone! Out getting some Raid to spray for those bugs!

[JoeKoh]

ok jim now you've done it!
why are round bales(hay straw) illegal in Iowa?
the farmers want to make sure their animals have a square meal each day!!
lets hear the booos
stay safe
Joe

[vsmith]

Round one in the interstate joke off..

My dad's family is all in Iowa.
I've never lived live in Iowa or Minnesota so I do not endorse this joke, I just spread them...

This is one they used to say in Minnesota about their southern neighbors...

Why are all the football fields in Iowa made of Astroturf?

So the cheerleaders wont graze at half-time...

Theres a good zinger for Minn. that Iowanians had.

In Minnesota, what do you call a 1954 Studebaker on blocks out in the middle of a field?

The Honeymoon Suite...

[Anonymous]

Here's another one. It's about the Canadian Prime Minister, Jean Chretien, but you Americans could change it to George Bush and it wouldn't make any difference or be any less funny. OK, here it goes:

Chretien is visiting an elementary school and stops in one of the classrooms. On the board the word "tragedy" is written.

"So, you kids know what that means, don't you?" Chretien asks.

"Oh, I do," one little boy says. "Say if there was this plane that was carrying medicine that was needed to help some people and it crashed. That would be a tragedy."

"No, no, that would be an accident," Chretien says. "Does anybody else think they know what it is?"

Another kid says, "if there was a ship that was carrying lots of people and it hit an iceberg and they all died. That would be a tragedy."

"No, that would be a great loss," Chretien says.

Another kid has been thinking about this and put his hand up. "I know what it is," he says. "If someone went and dropped a bomb on Parliament Hill and it killed the Prime Minister and all the senators and cabinet ministers, that would be a tragedy."

"Why yes," Chretien exclaims. "How come you're so smart?"

"Well," the kid says, "it couldn't have been an accident and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss!"

[vsmith]

That is the best joke we've had yet!

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

vsmith [:)]

dharmon [:)]

zardoz [:)]


We, as the major entertainers in this thread, ought to take "Our Show" on the road. How much cover charge should be charge? What should we call ourselves? WHEN DO WE PLAY VEGAS?

Hmmmm...
railroad related: The Big Boys; The Flat Spots; The Road Crew; The Extra Boreds {get it? bored=board. haha]; [:D]

[dharmon]

This is going to have to be for one of the pro's......in the service, at least the Navy, we have things that we send newbies to find that aren't there...Ed,being the son of a chief, you know what I'm talking about...things like a roll of flight line, a can of relative bearing grease, or the infamous mail bouy watch.......what are the RR rites of passage, I know they have them?

[edblysard]

Wow,
Forgot all about the mail bouy!
And the lobsterback ritual..
We dont have to many rites of passage that are funny, or can be posted here, but we did send one of our slower newbies over to the MOW building, to ask for some tie strips to hold down a lose tie plate, and some spike glue.
My engineer sent the same kid to the diesel shop, to get a can of brake fluid for the air brakes on the locomotive.
The shop forman brought him back, and told us to never send him into his shop again, ever.
The real right of passage is the day you get marked up with your foreman rights, and instead of being the guy taking orders, your the one who has to decide what to do, when to do it, and how to get it done, with out killing yourself or anybody else.
Only takes a day or two to figure out who is going to cut it.

We have a lift bridge over a bayou that has a switch in front of it, where two tracks converge into one to cross the bridge.
This switch has a switch point indicator signal, red for diverging route, green for straight route.
We approached one night to a red signal, meaning the switch was lined for us to come off the diverging route, but we were early, and bored.
Told our trainee that the red meant the bridge wasnt cranked all the way down, and he needed to go find the crank, and finish cranking the bridge down.
He stayed out there looking for almost a hour before we called him back.
Oh, he's a yardmaster now...
Stay Frosty,
Ed

[Anonymous]

Hhhheeeerrrree we go again . . it's the "Finally Friday" edition. [:)] Everyone is ready for it and the weekend. [8D]



Daily Thoughts

If you want it yesterday, you've got to give me at
least a week's notice.

"If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind,
what is the significance of a clean desk?" Laurence J.
Peter

"I was reading a book...'the history of glue', I
couldn't put it down." Tim Vine


We are scrapping the bottom of the barrel now so here, let's clean it out. One last joke for the beginning of the weekend.


The Visit:

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest,
wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the
hospital.

He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her
another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented: "Your pastor is
sure friendlier than mine."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

vsmith [:)]

dharmon [:)]

zardoz [:)]


We, as the major entertainers in this thread, ought to take "Our Show" on the road. How much cover charge should be charge? What should we call ourselves? WHEN DO WE PLAY VEGAS?

Hmmmm...
railroad related: The Big Boys; The Flat Spots; The Road Crew; The Extra Boreds {get it? bored=board. haha]; [:D]

Those are all good. I kinda like "The Big Boys". Now Mitchell has really come on strong the last few days and he is getting rave reviews. So I guess we should take him along too, he can be our opening act. If we are the Big Boys then he can be a "Challenger".

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

This is going to have to be for one of the pro's......in the service, at least the Navy, we have things that we send newbies to find that aren't there...Ed,being the son of a chief, you know what I'm talking about...things like a roll of flight line, a can of relative bearing grease, or the infamous mail bouy watch.......what are the RR rites of passage, I know they have them?

Hi Dan [:)]

You have probally heard these but hopefully some of the others have not. Two of these are aircraft related the last one is not. We have talked about squaks before, when I told the story about the coffee maker. One of the things we try to send the newbies after is "squak remover". One of the other popular items is prop wash. But this last one takes the cake (chocolate of course for Mookie). We had a new kid in the warehouse and he wasn't exactly the sharpest tack in the box. One night he disappeared for over an hour looking for "an item" someone had requested. Funny thing, he looked on EVERY shelf but just couldn't find the fallopian tubes. lol lol lol [:D] [:D] [:D] Ever since then I have wondered if he ever passed biology. Your guess is as good as mine.

[Anonymous]

The Challenger is back with another one!

There was this older and very proper woman who was considering going on a camping trip at a particular park and wrote a letter to the park asking about certain services of their's. She wanted to know about public washrooms, but simply couldn't put herself to use such a vulgar word as "toilet". Then she thought of an old term that was once used, "bathroom comode", but she really couldn't consider putting such a thing down either. Finally she decided to abbreviate it and simply put down "B.C."

When the park got the letter they had no idea what "B.C." meant. After much thought they concluded that it must stand for Baptist Church. They sent a reply back to the woman and in part of the letter it read:

"Regarding your request for B.C.'s. We are happy to say that we do have such a facility to accomatate you. There's one only about 10 miles from here. I haven't been to one myself in a while, but I should go back sometime. Perhaps we could both go and sit together. In fact, it was built over 100 years ago and is still as it was then. It can set over 600 people at once and the others who use it are very friendly and open to one another. They even sometimes hold large luncheons and conventions in there. We are very plaesed that you have decided to come here and hope you enjoy your stay and visiting the B.C."

[zardoz]

I know that before I said I was done, but as this entry is not exactly humor, I think I can get away with it......

Do you wonder.....
>
> Can you cry under water?
>
> How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
>
> If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
>
> Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
>
> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...
> but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"?
> Where's that extra penny going to?
>
> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>
> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
>
> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
>
> If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
>
> Why are you IN a movie, but your ON tv?
>
> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>
> How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
>
> Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
> They're going to see you naked anyway.
>
> If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
>
> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
>
> The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridges to cross and which to burn.....

[Anonymous]

Here's mine -- A man walks up to this gorgeous , well built , women & says--I've just lost my wife can I talk to you about her ? Well she answers - Why would you want to talk to me maybe you should see someone else . No ! - he says , because every time I talk to a well-built women my wife appears out of no where.

[Anonymous]

edblysard, I liked your thing about the initiation rituals/"make fun of the new guy".....I'm wondering if any newcomer to CN in Montreal was ever told to go refuel the AMT 400's?
*note...those are EMUs...they don't NEED fuel.....CN provides the crew for those trains*

Now for a joke of mine.....man walks into Toronto union station, and says to the ticket agent "I'd like to go to New York"
"Do you want to go by Bufallo?"
"No, you idiot, I want to go by TRAIN"

~Ra'akone

[Anonymous]

OK, here's todays edition of . . .The Sunday Funnies

There are 12 so today I will list 6 then the others tomorrow.



NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK

in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.


3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good

job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a

police officer.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by TARGUBRIGHT

I like the Budweiser plan. I enrolled in it today.
TIM A

Tim

I may not always agree with you on your posts but every time I think about the 401Keg joke and your response it makes me chuckle. [:D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

vsmith [:)]

dharmon [:)]

zardoz [:)]


We, as the major entertainers in this thread, ought to take "Our Show" on the road. How much cover charge should be charge? What should we call ourselves? WHEN DO WE PLAY VEGAS?

Hmmmm...
railroad related: The Big Boys; The Flat Spots; The Road Crew; The Extra Boreds {get it? bored=board. haha]; [:D]

Wow I am honored to be among such esteemed company