Humorus, but true. As me and my two friends were sitting down to grab something to eat, we noticed that the pedestrian crossing at Lake Cook Road depot (Metra) was malfunctioning. It was going on and off for short intervals. So I decided to call in the Item two. Word of advice: Calling 1800 fix-gate will lead you to an ED pill..."Hello. is this the number for grade crossing problems?"
"Yes"
"I'd like to report an item two at Lake Cook Road,""A what?""An Item two. The signals going off, but there's no train!"
"And where is this?"
"Lake Cook road"
"And...?"The depot. It's a pedestrian crossing!"
"Thanks for calling,"
"You're welcome"Makes you wonder...
vsmithDang, as I feared..all the good band names are already taken:
There's a thing that floats around Facebook for creating your "rock band name."
Something like the color of your mother's favorite housecoat, the street you lived on as a child, and the name of your first dog.
You could end up with the "Green Highland Friskies..."
The more obscure the possible selections, the stranger things could get...
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
A Band Named BobA Box of Fish with Tartar Sauce A Boy Named Gomer A Cat Born In An Oven Isn't A Cake Above Average Weight Band AbracadaverAbstract *** BrigadeActual SizeAdickdid Adios PantalonesAdmiral Poopy Pants and His Dancing TeethAdult Children of Heterosexuals Adventures in ShrubberyThe Advil MonkeyAerosol MethodsAfghanistan Banana StandAfraid Of FigsAfrodiziacAgnes MoreheadAha, the Attack of the Green Slime Beast The Al Roker Death Cult Wind EnsembleAl's HeimersAlbino Toilet Boys Alcoholics UnanimousAlcoholocaustAlien Ant FarmAlien Nymphos from UranusThe Alien PuppetsAlien Sex Fiend All You Can EatAlmighty Lumberjacks of DeathThe Amazing Embarrasonic Human Karaoke MachineAmish Meth LabAmputatoeAmputeaseThe Anally Devoted HusbandsAnal Speech TherapyAn Emotional FishThe Andriod SistersAngry AmputeesAngry SaladAngry Samoans Anus the MenaceApocolypse Hoboken Are These My Pants?Armani Death MachineArmed and HammeredArmpitArmy of PrawnsThe Arrogant WormsArthur Loves Plastic Ashtray BoyThe Atomic BitchwaxAutomatic DaffodilsAttila The StockbrokerAttractive Eighties WomenAvenging Lawnmowers of JusticeAyatollah Mama Please
Badical Turbo RadnessThe Bad Livers Bad Mutha GooseBad Tequila ExperienceBaldilocksBall Point BananaBaloney PonysThe Bambi MolestersBananafishbonesThe Band Formerly Known As SausageBand OverBand That Shot Liberty ValenceBarbie BonesBarefoot Hockey GoalieBarenaked LadiesBarfBarnyard ***Barry White Boys Barstool ProphetsBassholes BBQ PlatypusBearded Itchy Lover Beats the Hell Out of Me Beatnik TermitesBeef Masters Beerbellied Scum From Central Bucks CountyThe Bendy Monsters Ben Dover and the ScreamersBen Wa and the Blue BallsBernie the Trailer Park Queen and the Deadbeat DadsBertha's Mule Betty FordBetty's Not a VitaminBeverley Beer BelliesBiff Hitler and the Violent Mood SwingsBig Ass TruckBig Balls and the Great White Idiot Big Dead FishBig Fat Pet Clams From Outer SpaceBig Fish EnsembleBig Head CatBig White UndiesThe Biggest Freak in New JerseyBimbo ToolshedBionic RoomateThe Bisquit ***Bitter Enemies/Butter Enemas Bizzare CzarsBjorn AgainBlack Moth Super RainbowBleeding Rectum Bloated ***Bloated TickBlood Sledge Electric Death ChickensBloody Death From Outer SpaceBloody StoolsBlueballs Deluxe Bobby Joe Ebola and the Children MacNuggitsBody Falling Down StairsBoiled AngelBondage A Go GoBoneramaBongo Sherbet and the Electrified Yeti WobblersBongzilla Bordering On Retarded Boris the SprinklerThe Bourbon Tabernacle ChoirBowWowWowHaus Brady Bunch Lawnmower MassacreBrad Pitt Live and NudeThe Brian Jonestown MassacreThe Britney SpearchuckersBroadzillaBrutal JuiceBrutal NoodleBuck Naked and the Bare Bottom BoysBullwinkel GandhiBuck Satan and the 666 ShootersBuddy Wasisname and the Other FellasBulimia Banquet The Bumpin' UgliesThe Bourbon Tabernacle ChoirBurger PimpBus Station LooniesBusted RubbersBuster Hymen & the PenetratorsButt TrumpettButthole Surfers
The Callous TaoboysCaltransvestites Candy Striper Death Orgy Cap'n Crunch and the Cereal Killers Captain Cardiac and the CoronariesCaptain Drinking Binge Cardiac Zach and the DefibulatorsCarter the Unstoppable Sexmachine Caucasian InvasionChain Smokin' Alter BoysThe Charging Tyrannosaurus of DespairCheap Mike & the FeedbacksCherry Coke EnemaCherry Poppin' DaddiesChia PetThe Chicken Charmers Chickens On SmackChief Brody & the Bigger BoatChildren of the Vending MachineChocolate Bunnies From HellChocolate WatchbandChoosy Mom's Funky Dance CarnivalClive Pig and the Hopeful Chinamen Cobaine's BrainsColon On The CobColostomy Grab-Bag Compulsive GamblersConcrete OctopusCookie Mould and the Smegmettes The Couch SlugsThe Crab Cometh ForthCrappy the Clown and the Punch Drunk MonkiesCrazy Taco CafeteriaCrazy Uncle Larry and his Troupe of Molotov Cocktail JugglersCrispy AmbulanceCrocheted Doughnut RingCrosseyed ChickenCultivated BimboThe Cunning RuntsCurious George and the HomophobesCurl Up And DieCycle Sluts From Hell
Dairy Queen EmpireThe Dairy QueensDali's Car*** the Bad Luck Dancing CigarettesThe Dancing French Liberals of 1848Danger WankDavid Devant & His Spirit WifeDead Alcoholics with BonersDead Fish Prophecy Dead KennedysDead MilkmenThe Dead Pants (Die Toten Hosen)Debbie Harry's Armpit CrewDeepthroat ShotgunDemolition String BandDick Cheese and the Crackers Dick Davis and the DicktonesDick Delicious and the Tasty TesticlesDick Donkeys Dawn Dick Duck and the DorksDick Nibbler's All-star Weenie RoastThe Dick Nixons Dicky Retardo Dicks on FireDid Lee Squat? Diesel Dick and the DipsticksDirt Clod Fight Disgruntled Postal Workers Dog Food Five Dogs With Jobs Domino's Delivery BoyzDon Knotts Overdrive Doris DazeDoug and the SlugsDow Jones and the IndustrialsDowny Mildew Dracula Milk Toast Drag KingDragmules Draw Your Own CowDreaded Apparatus Drew Barrymore's DealerDrive By Crucifixion Drive-In Funeral Drunks With Guns Drunken Ugly Basement BrothersDuckbutterDukes of Hazardous MaterialDumpster Juice
e. coliEarthpig and FireEar WacksEdith Head Ed Gein's Car Ed's Redeeming QualitiesElastic Sausage Electric Al and the Poison Dart Frog McNuggetsElectric Blue Peggy Sue and the Revolutionions from MarsElegant DoormatsElizabeth Taylor's HusbandsThe Elvis Diet Endangered ***Epileptic DiscoEthyl MermanEverpresent FullnessEve's PlumbEvel GazebowEvil BeaverThe Evil ElviiEvil Weiner Experimental BBQ Exploding Boy Exploding Head TrickExploding White Mice
Fabulous AmputatorsFabulous PimpsFangboy and the GhoulsThe Farting GhostsThe FartzThe Fat Chick from Wilson PhillipsFat LuvFat Welfare Moms On DustThe F.C.C(The Flying Cunts of Chaos)Fearless Iranians From HellThe Fierce Nipples The Fifty Foot Hose50 Naked MidgetsFire on Your SleeveFive Fat Guys Who RockFix My HeadThe Flaming Donuts of JesusFlaming Box of Ants Flaming LipsFlamin' SchnanusesFlavor of UranusFlogging MollyFlopping BodybagsFly Spinach FlyFlying DustbunniesFlying Elmo'sFour Honkies In a Big Black CarFour Nurses of the ApocalypseFour Out of Five DoctorsThe Fred Mertz ExperienceFreda Fuselage And The WingwalkersFree BeerFree Beer and ChickenFree Range ChickenThe French are from HellFreud ChickenFrogs Don't CryFromage d'AmourFrosted SuedeFrumious BandersnatchFull Throttle AristotleFull Metal ChickenFunky Green Dogs From Outer SpaceFurious George
GangGreenGangway Fathead GarbageGaye Bikers on Acid The Gaza StrippersGee That's A Large Beetle I Wonder If It's PoisonousGefilte Joe and the FishGelvis PresslyGenitorturersGet Reality Over With. Take Hallucinogens (G.R.O.W.T.H)Ghandi's LunchboxGirl Scout HandgrenadeGirls Can't CatchThe Glands of External SecretionGlobal DisrobalGod's GirlfriendGoldfish Don't BounceThe Go Kill YourselvesGo Nad GoGonoreaganGonnorhea PizzariaGrand Master Ass-Blaster and the Pimp-Slap CrewGravity AssGrim SkunkGregg Turner and the Blood Drained CowsGringo StarThe Grilled Cheeze FiascoGuess My PerversionGuitarantula Guns N' WankersGut Full of CheeseGuyana Koolaid
Habitual Sex Offenders The Hair & Skin Trading Co. Haircuts That KillHakan Sleeps NakedHalf Man, Half Biscuit Halibutt SharonHalo of Flies Hamster Sandwich Han Solo and the ChewbaccasThe Happiest Guys In the WorldHard-drinkin' HousewivesHarry Palms and the Gym Towels Headlice of DoomHead Like a Hole?Heavy Pink InsulatorHeavy VegetableHefty Pink Labia LipsHelen Keller PlaidHelicopter BarfsHell ToupeeHellacopter MeatHello I'm A TruckHenry Kissinger's ***Here, Eat This!Her Majesty the BabyHerpes CineplexHe's Dead JimHeterophobiaHey! That's My Bike!Heywood Trout FestivalHindu Garage SaleHitler Stole My PotatoHitler's Missing TesticleHockey TeethHollow Chocolate Bunnies of DeathHollywood Chainsaw HookersHoly Mary, Mother of BertHoly Sisters of the Gaga DadaHomer and the SexualsHornets Attack Victor MatureThe Hostile AmishHot Buttered AspirinHot Rod Shopping CartHouse of Large Sizes The Hurling Tandooris
I Buried Paul I Got Shot By Dick CheneyI Love My Shih-TzuIce Cream HeadacheIcky BoyfriendsIdentity CrisisIf Cows Had Wings If Pigs Could Talk Would You Still Eat ThemIf You Don't Order Food You Have To LeaveImmaculate InfectionImpotent Seasnakes Individual Fruit PieInfected MushroomThe Inflatable Boy Clams Inflatable DatesInflatable Party Sheep"insert cool name here"The Insult That Made a Man Out of Mac Interspecies Love Child The Introspective Playboy Invisible FlintstonesIowa Beef Experience Iron Liver Iron ProstateItalians Obsessed with CheeseI've Got a WedgieIWRESTLEDABEARONCE
Jabbering TroutJason's Cat DiedJason's Gay HaircutJazz IguanasThe Jean Paul Sartre ExperienceJehovah's WaitressesJehovah’s Witness Protection ProgramJerry's Kids Jesus Christ and the NailknockersJesus Christ Super Fly Jesus Chrysler SupercarJiggle the HandleJif and the Choosy MothersJim Jones and the Kool Aid KidsJoan of Arkansas Jodie Foster's ArmyJoe Buck YourselfJoe Puke and the Chunky BitsJohn Cougar Concentration CampJohn Denver's Co-PilotJohn Holmes: Cucumber SmugglerJohnny Panic and the Bible of DreamsJohnny Uterus and the Fallopian TubesJolly Naked FishermenJonestown PunchJuggling Death SquadJunior High BurnoutJust Plain Cheese
Kamakazi Sex PilotsKarl Maldens NoseKathleen Turner OverdriveKen Dodd's Dad's Dogs DeadKenfunky Fried Kerrigan's KneesThe Kids Who Never Learned How to Colour Inside of the LinesThe Killer HayseedsKiller KiwisKinky Friedman and the Texas Jew BoysKinky SlinkyKiss My Poodles DonkeyThe KitshickersKnee Deep ShagKung Foo DykesKung Fu Action Clergy PersonsK.Y. and the Backsliders
Lance Armstrong and the One BallersLavay Smith and The Red Hot Skillet LickersLawnsmellLeonard SkinheadThe Leave It To Beaver Conehead ImmolationLed LobsterLee Harvey Keitel Lee Press-On and the Nails*** Dopeheads on MopedsLick, the DogLimp WristLip Smacking Kitten Lunch Lord Panic and the ExplodersLorne Greene's Wet NippleThe Lord Is My ShotgunLost Underpants of DoomLothar and the Hand PeopleLoud American TouristsLubricated GoatThe Luminous Toilet Bowls Lung MustardThe Lust PenguinsLuxury ChristLyin' female dog and the Restraining Orders
Maggot Sandwich Man...or Astro-Man? Manson-Nixon Line Mao Tse HelenMary Carves the ChickenMary Kay and the CosmeticsMary Kay's Pink Cadillac ***Mary Tyler MorphineMayhem Lettuce McAlbert Fish SandwichMe and Sir OctagonMeat PuppetsMechanical Tampon FishMega SmegmaMelissa's House of CrabsMen Among PoodlesMen With IssusesMermaids In the BasementMicrowavable Tree Frogs Mill Valley Taters Minnie Pearl Necklace Minnie Pearl's JamThe Minstrel CrampsMr. Holland's AnusMr. Quintron and the Flossy Unicorn Puppet ShowMr. Tasty and the Bread HealersMr. T ExperienceMoe, Larry and Shirley JonesMogen David and the Grapes of WrathMoist Fist The Morbid Tavern Apple ChoirMore Drunk Cowboys The Morning ShakesThe Most Sordid PiesMother Theresa's Children [Moder Theresas Barn]Mother Tucker's Yellow DuckMouse and the TrapsThe Muscular LesbiansMussolini Headkick Mustard PlugMy Dog Has Hitler's BrainMy Friend the Chocolate CakeMy Other Car is Even CrappierMy Three ScumMy White Bread MomMyth America
Naked Potato Naked David HasselhoffThe Napolean BlownapartsNascar FanaticsNatural FonzieNaugahyde ChihuahuasNavigators Of CarrotsNearly Died Laughing While Shaving My ButtNed's Atomic DustbinNew Riders of the Minimum WageNew Squids on the DockNip DriversThe Nipple ErectorsNo Pants BanditsNo Way Sis (Oasis tribute band)Nocturnal EmissionsNomad Nipples Noodle Muffin and the Pig SquintsNorman Bates and the Shower HeadsNot Drowning, WavingNot Now I'm NakedNot With My CamelNurse With WoundNuts Can Surf
OedipussyOhio Howie and his Temple of BoomOld Bathtub HagOld Lady DriverOnce I Killed a Gopher With a StickThe Only Alternative and His Other PossibilitiesOperation Cliff ClavenThe Orange JewsOrange Juice After ToothpasteOrganic Condom Mazda Drugs Our Manager Told Us That Our Band Name Was Too Long and Difficult to Remember and That We Had to Change it So After a Long Brainstorming Session We Came Up With This One Because All the Other Ones SuckedOuter Body LlamaOut of Godzilla's ButtOut Vile JellyOvarian Trolley Ozzy Beard Spaghetti
Pabst Smear Painful Rectal Itch Paisley Brain CellsPaul Minor's Great Big Ego Paul Will Eat HimselfPeace Love and Pitbulls The Peanut Butter ConspiracyPearl Harbor and the Explosions People With Chairs Up Their Noses Pepto DismalPeter and the Test Tube BabiesPhenobarbidols Phil McAvity and his GerbilsPhilemon Arthur and the DungPhlegm Fatale Phone Bill from HellPicadilly Circus People Pieces of LisaPimps of VenusPink Slip Daddy *** Off PostmenPlanet of PantsPlastic Nude Martini Playdough Fish Plump HarrietPoo On A StickPoop ShovelPopemobile Pontius CoPilotPork Queen Porn on the Cob Porn FlakesPornhuskers Possum JuicePost Nasal Drip Poultry in Motion Pregnant Men Pretentious Flamedogs Printed At Bismarck's Death Professor Morrison's Lollipop Psychic Buddist Gorillas Psycho Sluts from Hell Public EnemaPullout MethodPure *** ExtractPurple Earthquake
Quasimodo and the Eunuchs *** WookieQuestion Mark & the Mysterians
Rainbow Butt MonkeysRage Against Filo DoughThe Rampant HedgehogsRats of Unusual SizeRebel Without ApplauseRectal ExamRed Neck GirlfriendReluctant Stereotypes REO Speed DealerThe Revolting CocksRhythm MethodRoad KillRodney King and the NightsticksRolling BlackoutsRolling DonutRonnie James DeoderantRoot Boy Slim and the Sex-Change Band with The RootettesRoyal Flush and the Jacks of All TradesRubber Nipple SalesmenRudimentary PeniRugburnsRumplforskinThe RunzRusty Pickup and the CrappytonesRyan Retardondo and the Get Down Syndrome
Sadista SistersSandy Duncan's EyeSatan’s CheerleadersSaturated FatSaturday's GarbageSaturn's Flea CollarScience DietScary ChickenScreaming BrocolliThe Screaming HormonesScreaming Moist Accountants*** PoleSemi Digested Curtain RailSensitive New Age Cowpersons74 Megs of RyanSevere Tire DamageSex Clark Five Skankin' PickleSharon Stoned She Stole My BeerShirley Temple of DoomShirley Temple PilotsShoot the Mime Shorty and the DisappointmentsShorty Johnson & The TrojansThe Shower Scene from PsychoSinus Envy Sissy Boy Slap Party Sister Run Naked Six Organs of AdmittanceSkadelic Smegma Skanorrhea and the Burning SensationsSkinny Chicken & The ChokersSkunk DeathSloppy SecondsThe Slutty NunzSluts for HireSly and the Family JewelsSmegma & the Nuns Smelly Tongues SmorgasborgnineSnotty Scotty and the HankiesSodom & Gomorrah Liberation FrontSofa KingdomSome Random BandSon Of Sam WaltonSoothing Sounds For BabySorry About Your DaughterThe Sound of Animals FightingSoup DragonsSour PuppetSpace HogSpaceman Bill and the Groovy GravySparky the Lizard HermaphroditeSpastic ColonThe Spastic RatsSpecial Ed and the Short BusSquirrel Nut ZippersStark Naked and the Car ThievesStiff Dead CatStiff Richards Stinky BinkyStinky Fire EngineString Cheese IncidentSt. MucousStockhausen and WalkmanStop Calling Me FrankStop Lookin' and Buy ItStraight Jacket LucyStud McCoy and the Creemy TwinkiesStukas Over BedrockStupid White PeopleSuicide Ninjitsu Penguin Assassin SquadSuicide Shrimp FiascoSuper Sonic Soul PimpsThe Surf MaggotsSusanne and the Guys With TiesSwearing at MotoristsSweaty Bum ChunksSweaty NipplesSwingin' Udders
Tastes Like ChickenThe TechnochocolatesTechnosquid Eats ParliamentTed Bundy's VolkswagenTed Ed FredTemporary Darkening of the StoolTerry Dactyl and the DinosaursTest IciclesTestostertonesThank God We're ImmortalThe Baby Won't Eat His Corn DogThe Quilted-Quicker-Picker-Upper, Bounty!They Might Be GiantsThey Tried To Frame OJThey Were ExpendableThinking Fellers Union Local 282This Bike Is A Pipe BombThis Is Serious, MumThomas Jefferson Slave ApartmentsThree Day StubbleThree Dead Trolls in a Baggie350,000 Crazed and Fully Africanized "Welcome to Disneyworld" BeesTickle Me PinkTitty BingoTo Live and Shave in LAToiling MidgetsTonto's Expanding HeadbandThe Tony Danza Tapdance ExtravaganzaToo Fat to Skate Tooth FuzzToxic Shock and the Tampons Toys That KillTracy & the Hindenburg Ground CrewTrailer Park CasanovasTrampled by TurtlesTransatlantic Chicken Wicken No. 5Traveling DingleberriesTrench Coat YuppiesTrotsky IcepickTrout Fishing In AmericaTupperware DeathTurkey Makes Me Sleepy22 Toxic Chemicals20,000 Leaks Under The SinkTwo Cow GarageTwo For FlinchingTwo Minute Sinatra 2000 Flushes
UFOFUUgly HeadUltimate SpinachUltraBabyFatUmbrella Full of SemenUnidentified Rocking ObjectsUncle Bob Touched MeUnderpants MachineThe UrinalsUrine SpecimenUsless ID
Van Gogh's Ear The Vast Void of Empty Nothingness Vegetarian MeatVenus and the Razor Blades Vermin from VenusThe Veronica CartwrightsVic Morrow's Head Vic Vaccume and the Attachments The Voluptuous Horror of Karen BlackVomit Launch
Waffles Against AIDSWas I Naked We Go To 11We The PeepholeThe Well HungariansWell Strung Wendy and Her Menstrual CyclesWhat Made Milwaukee FamousWhen People Were Shorter and Lived By the WaterWhere's The Pope? The Whip-M-Out Girl'sWhite People LieWhite Trash DebutantesWhorehouse of RepresentativesWho The Hell Are You?Willie Nelson MandelaThe Wizards of TwiddlyWoke Up FallingWonderbred, the Refined White Flour ChildrenWrecked ‘EmThe Wrench Twisting Streetlickers Wynona Ryders
The Yams from Outer Space The Yeasty GirlsYellow SnowThe Young and the UselsessYou Need A SpankingYour *** Neighbors Your Naked Mother
Zombies Under StressZombina & The SkeletonesZorro and the Blue FootballsZsa ZsaZulu Leprechauns
Have fun with your trains
A visiting minister waxed eloquent during the offertory prayer. He began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face,"Without you we are but dust... "He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"
Christmas At Rock-Away Rest
'Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
and all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punchbowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bedsock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.
Our grandkids had sent us some Christmasy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she'd crafted a holiday wreath.
The bed pans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle's magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive -- the joy wouldn't stop --
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.
Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats, Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats. Our resident wand'rer was tied to her chair, In hopes that at bedtime she still would be there. Security lights on the new fallen snow Made outdoors seem noon to the old folks below. Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter (But we are so deaf that it just didn't matter). A strange little fellow flew in through the door, Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the floor. 'Twas just our director, all togged out in red. He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head. We knew from the way that he strutted and jived Our social- security checks had arrived. We sang--how we sang!--in our monotone croak, Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke. And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds. While nurses distributed nocturnal meds. And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest. 'fore long you'll be with us, We wish you the best!
Author Unknown
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
From: http://www.blcompanies.com/services/transportation.php
- Paul North.
Semper Vaporo Friend of mine says the joke is not complete... The wife replied, :"Tthat's ok, I already bought that necklace anyway...so just go ahead and have another drink, dear".
Friend of mine says the joke is not complete...
The wife replied, :"Tthat's ok, I already bought that necklace anyway...so just go ahead and have another drink, dear".
Sounds like the woman who always wants to get in the last word.
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
A Christmas Love Story
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and themall was packed.As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up andsee her husband was nowhere around.She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to askhim where he was.In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelrystore we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with thatdiamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I wouldget it for you one day?"The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember thatjewelry store."He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
Good laugh, but be careful...I'm sure I've seen this somewhere before, and it might be copyrighted.
A Christmas Tale
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!"
"Who owns that?"
"Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-boyfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I sneaked into the house and filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell ina heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies.
I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house
I have to repost these...
Investment Advice
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But…
If you had purchased $1,000 worth of been in aluminum cans one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned the aluminum cans in for recycling – you would have $214.00!
Based on the above, the best investment plan is to drink heavily & then recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg.
Good Mileage
A recent study found that the average American walks around 900 miles per year. Another study found that on average Americans drink around 22 gallons of alcohol per year.
This means that the average American gets around 41 miles per gallon!
Dan
Reputedly true tech support calls:
----------------
Gung-ho lieutenant calls tech support to complain about his computer shutting off unexpectedly.
It happened every time he put the computer in "official" mode.
--------------
Bank employee called the downtown main office to ask if they were having a fire. Seems there was smoke coming out of the back of their computer...
---------------
Computer user called tech support to report that their computer wasn't working. No display, nothing.
Tech support asked them to check to ensure all of the cables were connected.
"I'll have to get a flashlight."
"Dark behind the computer?"
"No, the lights are out."
Tech support asks the user if they still have the boxes the computer came in. The user replies in the affirmative, whereupon tech support tells the user to put the computer back in the boxes and return it to the vendor.
When asked what reason the user should give for returning the machine, tech support replied, "because you're too dumb to use a computer."
--------------------
Then there was the fellow who was stymied because he couldn't find the "Any" key...
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and have a good time.
Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some
aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice woman he could, and taking a little kiss here and there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new "action."
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and they took care of business.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped out, went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would have for his notorious behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had done. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy that I loaned my costume to sure had one heckuva time!"
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs.
>>
>>She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
>>As you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess it up.
>>Better to be safe than.......................punch a 5th grader.
>>Strike while the ...................................bug is close.
>>It's always darkest before.................daylight savings time.
>>You can lead a horse to water but............................how?
>>Don't bite the hand that.............................looks dirty.
>>A miss is as good as a........................................Mr.
>>You can't teach an old dog new..............................math.
>>If you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the morning.
>>The pen is mightier than the................................pigs.
>>An idle mind is............................the best way to relax.
>>Where there's smoke, there's...........................pollution.
>>Happy the bride who........................gets all the presents.
>>A penny saved is........................................not much.
>>Two's company, three's............................the musketeers.
>>Laugh and the whole world laughs with you,
>>cry and...............................you have to blow your nose.
>>Children should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
>>When the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the way.
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
>
>> BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
>> BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
>> BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
>> BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
>> CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
>> CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
>> TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
>> CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
>> DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
>> DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
>> FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
>> HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
>> HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
>> INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
>> KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
>> MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
>> MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
>> MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
>> MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
>> NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
>> ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
>> ROM - Where the pope lives
>> SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
>> SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
>> SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
>> SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
Time to revive this old thread....
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
I am sure you have all heard about the old, old farmer that sent his grandson to university and how when the young-in came back on the 1st spring break, the old man asked him how things were going; what he was studying.
The kid said he was taking classes in mathematics and that one of the things he had learned was the formula for the area of a circle.
The old man, being very hard of hearing, really didn't understand much of what was said, so he asked the young-in to speak up at about the time the kid got to where he was going to recite the formula. The kid then shouted into the old man's 'ear trumpet',
"Pi 'R' Squared!"
The old man went ballistic! "No no no!" he cried! I'll not pay fer such foolish larnin'! Ye'll not be goin' back to diss you-nee-verse-city! Ever'body knows, pie are ROUND, der cornbread are square!"
Well... did you know the old man also had a sweet granddaughter? She really wanted to go to college and study early American history. So she sweet talked and wheedled the old man into paying for her higher education, promising that the school she would be going to would not be teaching foolishness.
Again, on the 1st spring break, she came back to the old homestead to see the old man and to thank him for his generosity. The old man greeted her happily, but said she needed to tell him what she had learned, as he didn't want another fiasco like her brother had been at the university.
She excitedly started explaining how they had covered so much history in such a short time that they were up to studying the early pioneer days.
His hearing had not improved at all and, like before, he really didn't understand much of what she was saying, so he said, "Speak up!... I'm nearly deef, ya know! What are ye studying?"
She loudly repeated, "Pioneer".
The old man nearly exploded! "I knew that thar higher ed-ju-ka-shun was no gooder! Ye'll not be going back to that coll-ledge! "Pioneer", indeed! Ya puts pie in mouth; der ear trumpet in ear!"
It wasn't worth it to drive about 100 miles to Northern, Ky. just for pancakes.........now if bacon & eggs were served along with....another story!!
Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!
I'd like to enter this NEWS STORY in the classification of
"YOU JUST CANNOT Make this stuff up, DEPARTMENT!"
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/hungry-jack-syrup-truck-spills-onto-buttermilk-pike-174159531.html
Wonder if LOCOMUTT is going to have a pancake breakfast this morning?
And the judge say Next case.
and the bailiff say man charged with indecent exposure
and the judge say How you plead?
and the man say Not guilty. A man gotta relieve himself from time to time.
and the judge say Thats right son, and your case is dismissed. Bailiff who's next?
and the bailiff say The young lady who was relieving him....
Tom
COAST LINE FOREVER
It is better to dwell in the corner of a roof than to share a house with a contentious woman! (Solomon)
A contentious woman is like a constant dripping! (Solomon)
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.
Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried.
The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.
He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,
Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.
"Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.
What's the difference between a well-dressed man and a tired dog?
A well-dressed man wears a 3-piece suit, but a tired dog just pants.
Nance-CCABW/LEI
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown
A railroader from a mountain region once said that,
"The best snow removal equipment is the month of May !"
Chinooks are wonderful things.....
Any argument carried far enough will end up in Semantics--Hartz's law of rhetoric Emerald. Leemer and Southern The route of the Sceptre Express Barry
I just started my blog site...more stuff to come...
http://modeltrainswithmusic.blogspot.ca/
Or Northern MN Or Wyoming as I have seen it be 80 in the Day and that night get SNOW from a Blizzard in 99.
zardoz True Wisconsinites know…
It wouldn't take too many changes to make that apply to northern New York...
dmoore74 Just For Today Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars ofthe condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Just For Today
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars ofthe condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.