And, if you fear that you suffer from prolixity, keep your mouth shut, and nobody will ever suspect it.
Johnny
WOW!!!!
Where's your mother?She ain't home.Where's your grammar?She ain't home neither.
1. Always Avoid Alliteration. Always.2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.3. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)4. Employ the vernacular.5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.8. Contractions aren’t necessary.9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.10. One should never generalize.11. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”12. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.13. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.14. Profanity sucks.15. Be more or less specific.16. Understatement is always best.17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.18. One word sentences? Eliminate.19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.20. The passive voice is to be avoided.21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.23. Who needs rhetorical questions?24. Never copy someone else’s work without giving them credit.25. About sentence fragments.26. Never use possessive's to indicate plural's.
Patrick Boylan
Free yacht rides, 27' sailboat, zip code 19114 Delaware River, get great Delair bridge photos from the river. Send me a private message
zardoz "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?'
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
I had the same problem when I asked for maps....
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Your mind knows what it's looking at, but it still sees something else:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mmyfhbAF0wU
_____________
"A stranger's just a friend you ain't met yet." --- Dave Gardner
I liked the one I saw once: "A flush beats a full house."
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
ACYReminds me of a slogan I recently saw on a truck belonging to a tradesman --- a plumber, I think. It said "Quality is not an option". Maybe it isn't even optional.
One of the septic pumping companies in my county has a sign on each truck offering "Double Your Load Back if Not Satisfied."
I always thought it an insult for the city to put up signs that read:
SLOW
Children at play
Then there was the fellow I went to school with back in the late 60's that was "sort of" in to the Vietnam war protest movement... but the sign he carried he had stolen from a highway construction site... It read:
END ROAD
CONSTRUCTION
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
Lee Glazier
Zugmann, your "SURVEY CREW AHEAD" reminded me: my great aunt, when she saw a sign:
MEN AT WORK
would read it "Slow men at work"
Headline on a fire-related website:
Can't say that I've ever run into encountered a burning house responding on an EMS call, much less returning from one...
Driving to work last week, I passed an orange sign that read: SURVEY CREW AHEAD
But when I got to them, I couldn't think of anything to ask....
Sorry.
It's been fun. But it isn't much fun anymore. Signing off for now.
The opinions expressed here represent my own and not those of my employer, any other railroad, company, or person.t fun any
Good one, Carl; it took me a few moments to get it (I love it when that happens!).
Overmod zugmann Our new soda machine at the office has a little LED display that was prominently displaying: ICE COLD! 48 DEGREES F! I just shook my head and walked away. This isn't humor. The machine's defective. Call the company involved and have them come out and fix it. Admittedly, the temperature Coca-Cola specifies for these machines isn't EXACTLY "ice-cold" (or you might have fun when you open the can and try to drink some!) but it's within a couple of degrees of 32 F. It's a big enough 'thing' that you can get the Coca-Cola Company to exert pressure on the local affiliate if it doesn't get fixed stat...
zugmann Our new soda machine at the office has a little LED display that was prominently displaying: ICE COLD! 48 DEGREES F! I just shook my head and walked away.
ICE COLD!
48 DEGREES F!
I just shook my head and walked away.
Admittedly, the temperature Coca-Cola specifies for these machines isn't EXACTLY "ice-cold" (or you might have fun when you open the can and try to drink some!) but it's within a couple of degrees of 32 F.
It's a big enough 'thing' that you can get the Coca-Cola Company to exert pressure on the local affiliate if it doesn't get fixed stat...
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel... that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.
Colonel "Bat" Guano: That's private property.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are for, you twit!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: What?
Colonel "Bat" Guano: You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.
From http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0057012/quotes
- Paul North.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, my, what a problem! Quick! Take it back into town, and find your way to however you got into town in the first place!
I had a similar, but not quite as drastic, problem when I was a freshman in college. The student who waited the table where I usually ate lunch and supper apparently liked to watch me eat (one night, after supper she asked me if my father had been a millionaire), and would bring me a soup bowl of the dessert after I had finished the small bowl that was the standard serving. One night, the dessert was pineapple-upsidedown cake--and I was not able to eat the large bowlful then. I did not want to waste it--but the only people who were allowed to take food out of the dining hall were those who had care of anyone in the infirmaries (one to a dormitory). I managed to get it out without anyone such as the Dean of Women's seeing me (she probably would have called to me, or, at least, spoken to me about it later). My problem was, of course, getting the empty bowl back to the dining hall without being noticed while carrying it. I was successful.
As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well, two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit.That's when I did something that I've never done before: I took a cab home.Sure enough, on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise, as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
OvermodAdmittedly, the temperature Coca-Cola specifies for these machines isn't EXACTLY "ice-cold" (or you might have fun when you open the can and try to drink some!) but it's within a couple of degrees of 32 F.
In high school I worked in a "party store." Most of the product sold involved alcohol...
One customer we had drank a certain brand of beer. We had a cooler for selling loose bottles of beer, and we usually kept a few bottles of that brand on top of the cooling coils. If the beer wasn't about ready to freeze, it was going to come darned close.
If the bottles didn't come off that coil, he didn't want them.
Never have figured that out - his first one was probably plenty cold, but after than they would have warmed to the temperature of wherever he kept them - unless he went through his usual six-pack unusually quickly.
Our new soda machine at the office has a little LED display that was prominently displaying:
This isn't humor. The machine's defective. Call the company involved and have them come out and fix it.
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
Overmod It's a big enough 'thing' that you can get the Coca-Cola Company to exert pressure on the local affiliate if it doesn't get fixed stat...
It's back to the 30s. All is well.
Murphy Siding Sometimes I'm painfully aware of where Scott Adams gets his material for Dilbert cartoons.... I needed a protractor at work. I checked around, nobody else had one either, but they all agreed that it would be handy if we had one somewhere on the premises. I was putting on my coat, to drive up the road to Walgreens and buy a protractor, when my boss asked where I was going. I explained that I was going to buy a protractor, as I needed to order some custom made metal trim, and the fabricator needed to know the angles required. (He must not have had a protractor either.) My boss said "I've got one of those plastic, half-round angle readers. Can you make that work instead?".
Sometimes I'm painfully aware of where Scott Adams gets his material for Dilbert cartoons.... I needed a protractor at work. I checked around, nobody else had one either, but they all agreed that it would be handy if we had one somewhere on the premises. I was putting on my coat, to drive up the road to Walgreens and buy a protractor, when my boss asked where I was going. I explained that I was going to buy a protractor, as I needed to order some custom made metal trim, and the fabricator needed to know the angles required. (He must not have had a protractor either.) My boss said "I've got one of those plastic, half-round angle readers. Can you make that work instead?".
I did make use of such when I was drawing curves to fit the data readings I took in physical chemistry lab. A set cost a bit more than a protractor did.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
“I’d like to be six, again.” She replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster… Everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop and her favorite candy, M&M’s.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife, with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well dear, what was it like being six again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my DRESS SIZE, you idiot!”
The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he is still going to get it wrong.
And, there was the rookie brakeman who was told that the engineer had pulled a lung. He started to leave and said he was going for a doctor--until the conductor told him that the engineer had pulled a drawhead out of a car.
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1955, ma'am." "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?" Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
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