The new and (not very) improved humor thread

[zardoz]

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[zardoz]

Tips for Red Necks

IN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

[samfp1943]

To those of us who are retired, or otherwise unemployed:

Yesterday I was at the Local Dillon's Store' (an area South of Wichita, full of Military retirees) Dillon's (our large food chain in Kansas) buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal Lab , Bean , the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.  What did she think I had an elephant?

 

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again.

 

I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the  hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.  I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.  I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

Dillon's won't let me shop there anymore.

[zardoz]

A much nicer version:

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.

And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!?

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.

And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.

Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.

So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

[zardoz]

'Twas the night after Christmas and all through the trailer, the beer had gone flat and the pizza was staler. The tube socks hung empty, no candies or toys, and I was camped out on my old Lay-Z-Boy. 

The kids they weren't talking to me or my wife, the worst Christmas they said they had had in their lives. My wife couldn't argue and neither could I, so I watched TV and my wife, she just cried. 

When out in the yard the dog started barkin', I stood up and looked and I saw Sheriff Larkin. He yelled, "Roy I am sworn to uphold the laws and I got a complaint here from a feller named Claus." 

I said, "Claus, I don't know nobody named Claus, and you ain't taking me in without probable cause." Then the Sheriff then said, "The man was shot at last night." I said, "That might have been me, just what's he look like." 

The Sheriff replied, "Well he's a jolly old feller, with a big beer gut belly, that shakes when he laughs like a bowl full of jelly. He sports a long beard, and a nose like a cherry." I said, "Sheriff that sounds like my wife's sister Sherri." 

"It's no time for jokes, Roy" the Sheriff he said. "The man I'm describing in dressed all in red. I'm here for the truth now, it's time to come clean. Tell me what you've done, tell me what you've seen." 

Well I started to lie then I thought what the hell, it wouldn't have been the first time that I've spent New Years in jail. I said, "Sheriff it happened last night about ten, and I thought that my wife had been drinking again." 

When she walked in from work she was as white as a ghost. I thought maybe she had seen one of them UFO's. But she said that a bunch of deer had just flown over her head, and stopped on the roof of our good neighbor Red. 

Well I ran outside to look and the sight made me shudder, a freezer full of venison standing right on Red's gutter. Well my hands were a shakin' as I grabbed my gun, when outta Red's chimney this feller did run. 

And slung on his back was this bag over flowin'. I thought he stolen Red's stuff while old Red was out bowling'. So I yelled, "Drop fat boy, hands in the air!" But he went about his business like he hadn't a care. 

So I popped a warning shot over his head; well he dropped that bag and he jumped in that sled. And as he flew off I heard him extort, "That's assault with intent Roy, I'll see ya in court." 

[zardoz]

The Top 10 Least Popular Halloween Handouts

1. Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.
   
   
2. Teeth removing Taffy
   
   
3. Metamucil in a straw
   
   
4. Ex-Lax Brownies
   
   
5. Caramel Covered Zucchini
   
   
6. Colored Crisco on a Stick
   
   
7. Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts
   
   
8. Chocolate Covered Prunes
   
   
9. A Handful of Red Man
   
   
10. Anything that ticks!

[Overmod]

"Carry On Nurse" was started in late 1958 and released in spring 1959.   I have little doubt Hudis adapted the story from the earlier reference... unless, of course, there was in fact a historical truth, complete with names...

I can't take credit for memory; I checked the 'actuality' of the legend on Snopes and then researched a bit from there...

[Paul of Covington]

overmod:

     "Reader's Digest.  April 1958.  Page 134.  Humor in Uniform.

Adapted since then to a number of other services; if you have a better or earlier source, time to spill it."

_________________________

     Yes, I remembered reading it back when I was in high school but didn't remember exactly when.   Overmod, how big a library do you have, or how good a memory?    The gag was also used in the British comedy movie, "Carry On, Nurse", I think in the early sixties.

[SLOCONDR]

 

 

 

 

[Overmod]

Deggesty

zardoz

Deggesty

Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.

Names and details were changed to protect the innocent.

 

Come, now; the nurse was not named; the admiral was guilty and should not be protected--and it really was a daffodil.

Reader's Digest.  April 1958.  Page 134.  Humor in Uniform.

Adapted since then to a number of other services; if you have a better or earlier source, time to spill it.

[zardoz]

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk 

15. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 

14. "This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to." 

13. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper" 

12. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!" 

11. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 

10. "I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance" 

9. "Actually I'm doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend. 

8. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress." 

7. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 

6. "The coffee machine is broken...." 

5. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot." 

4. "Wow, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!" 

3. "Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 

2. "I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands." 

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK: 

"Amen" 

[zardoz]

Boss lacks empathy

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late. 

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor. 

Finally, around 10:00 Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself." 

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?" 

[zardoz]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[Deggesty]

zardoz

Deggesty

Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.

Names and details were changed to protect the innocent.

 

Come, now; the nurse was not named; the admiral was guilty and should not be protected--and it really was a daffodil.

[zardoz]

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[zardoz]

Deggesty

Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.

Names and details were changed to protect the innocent.

[Deggesty]

Jim, I saw two errors in your account of the man in a hospital: he was an admiral in the Navy during WWII, and he was throwing his rank around. Otherwise, the story is true.

[vsmith]

I was traveling through Scotland and in a small town on a small bay I walked into a small pub to get a drink, inside was just two old men, one was the bartender the other was a local patron sitting at the end of the bar, I sat at the bar and ordered a  beer.

As I sat there the old man at the end of the bat turned to me and scowled, "laddie, you see this bar, I built it, I put my heart and soul into it, I used the best woods in the county, I used more love and care than for my own children, but do they call me 'McTavish the barmaker???', NOO!!!.."

I started to say something when he continued, pointing out the window at the roof of the church across the square, "You see that roof, I built it, it will stand up to the heaviest rains, I put my heart and soul into it, I used more love and care than for my own children, but do they call me 'McTavish the roofbuilder???', NOO!!!.." 

Then he pointed out the other window to the pier in the bay "You see that pier, I built it, I put my heart and soul into it, it will hold up to the strongest seas, I used more love and care than for my own children, but do they call me 'McTavish the piermaker???'.....Ohh NOOOOOO!!!! .....but ya screw ONE goat!...."

[dmoore74]

 

Subject: Romance

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones.
The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

 

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.I love you." 


The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."

[zardoz]

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by materials researchers.

The new element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons, and thus has an atomic weight of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically, since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discovers, a tiny amount of Administratium caused on reaction to take over four days to complete; the normal reaction time is less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at points, such as governmental agencies and large corporations. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, butresults to date are not promising.

[zardoz]

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.

[zardoz]

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party.  But before they left home, the wife got a terrible headache, and she told her husband to go to the party alone.  Being a devoted husband, he protested and said he wanted to stay with her in case she needed anything.  She said she was going to take some aspirin and just go to bed and that he should just go and have a good time.  So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

[zardoz]

Thanks guys for resurrecting this thread. Perhaps this is just what the forums need right now.  Especially jokes about the strange decision management-types make.  Just no jokes about insufficient handbrakes.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

[tree68]

It's fall (well, almost).  Time again for the ever popular corn mazes.

With apologies to any blondes who don't appreciate blonde jokes.  I'll explain it to you later.

[Murphy Siding]

     Full moon time-

      Today,I called to order some materials from a wholesale company that we purchase a lot of goods from.  Because of a full moon, or something, a phone transaction had me looking for a Candid Camera.

Phone conversation with wholesale city desk salesman:

Me:  I'd like to order 120 sheets of 4x10 .090 FRP panel.

He: We only have 91 sheets on hand.  It would be a week before we got more in.

Me: I guess we'll take the 91 sheets now, and write a back-order for the rest when they come in.

He:  Well.... I can't sell you all of them.

Me:  Um...why not?

He; We don't like to sell out of something, because then we'd have none to sell.

Me Huh?  You don't want to sell them all, so you can have some to sell?

He: Yes.  But I can sell you a unit of 60 today, and back-order the rest.

Me:  Then you'll have 31 left?

He:  Yes.

Me: What will you do with those 31?

He: Oh, we'll sell them.

Me: To who?

He: Well, i suppose to whoever needs them.

Me:  OK..... How 'bout you sell me 60 sheets, and then sell me the other 31 as well?

He:  Works for me.  Do you want them on the same purchase order?

Me:  Sure.  Why not.  You can even send them on the same truck.

He:  Great.  Is there anything else I can do for you?


       Where's the hidden camera?  I came this close to asking him to put me through to Mr. Dilbert.  Oof-duh! 

[Semper Vaporo]

A Congressman went to a 3rd world country on a politically motivated publicity junket and spent most of his time traveling from one small village to another giving his typical promissory speeches.  At one village the tribe was well known for its herd of cattle and he was most interested in being photographed talking to the herdsmen.

But first he had to give one of his typical speeches to the assembled tribesmen.

He began by praising them for their large herd of cattle and then began to extol the virtues of what material items they would get if they signed a trade treaty with the U.S.  He told them all about the wonderful benefits of accepting U.S. aid. 

He promised a chicken in every pot, beans in the pantry and he went on and on about it.

Someone in the crowd shouted "Huzunga!" at one point and he figured it was like an "Amen!" from a church congregation, so he made even more promises.

Soon, another tribesman began to jump up and down shouting "Huzunga!", and then a few more did so.

This just egged him on and his voice reached a fever pitch as he promised more and more to them.  And the more he promised, the more people shouted, "Huzunga!".

Soon, he had the whole tribe jumping up and down, shouting with one voice, "Huzunga!,  Huzunga!  Huzunga!".

He nearly wore himself out shouting his promises over the crowd screaming in such a frenzy, and he had to quit so as to save something of his voice for the next village.

Wiping the sweat from his brow, he walked over to the tribal Chief and asked him if he could inspect the cattle herd. The Chief nodded yes, but then said "When we get to the corral, do be careful to not step in the huzunga."

 

[dmoore74]

Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.  Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.  Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.  Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:  Dear Mrs. Harris: Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'.     This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time  and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'     EMTs were called. 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme. 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels. 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;   'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?   And last, but not least: 16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'   One of the clerks passed out.

[zardoz]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him.

The young man noticed her overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude, the young man said to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked, "What is the condition?"

The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, reached into her purse and slowly counted out four $5 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully said...

"Clean my house."

[Deggesty]

Paul, I enjoyed the first link. Is Paul Pendragon any relation to King Arthur (the Pendragon)?

The second link has been removed.

[Paul_D_North_Jr]

For engineering types (not the train 'driver" kind, though), here's a link to a great one on an ancient engineering failure, by Paul Pendragon, circa 1981 (may take re-reading it to get all the nuances):

"Beware the Wrath of Abibarshim" - "Recently excavated clay tablets shed new light on the most famous engineering failure in antiquity. Although some of the words are conjectural, this translation contains a clear message for modern engineers. Do you know someone who might benefit from this voice from the past?"

http://www.sacbusiness.org/cs/hesterj/Beware%20The%20Wrath%20Of%20Abibarshim.htm 

See also: http://deletionpedia.dbatley.com/w/index.php?title=Abibarshim_(deleted_05_Apr_2008_at_22:04) which cites:

Paul Pendragon, Beware the Wrath of Abibarshim!, Production Engineering, Volume 28, Number 7, July 1981, pp24-26, Penton/IPC, ISSN 0146-1737

It ought to be required reading . . .

- Paul North.