For this coming rivalry Saturday (but may be amendible to your favorite team, too):
A man dressed in Chicago Maroon and Burnt Orange walks into a Charlottesville, Virginia sports bar with a small dog under his arm. He says to the bartender: "Hey, can I leave my dog here while I go the VT/UVA football game?"
"A dog in my bar? No, absolutely not."
"But He's a special dog", the VT fan says.
"In what way?", the bartender asks.
"Well, he'll watch the game on TV with you. When Virginia Tech scores
he will walk up and down the bar on his hind legs. When Virginia scores
he will walk up and down the bar on his front legs. When Virginia Tech
wins, he will do back flips all the way down the bar and back.
"Wow! "the bartender says. "That's amazing. What does he do when
Virginia wins?"
"I don't know" says the Hokie. "I've only had him seven years"
Bill
A recently retired couple were camping out in the woods. She said, "You know, I've been seeing some of those young girls running around without bras, and I've been thinking about trying it myself."
" Well, we're out here away from everyone, so why don't you go ahead and try it?" he answered.
She went into the camper and returned a few minutes later. "Well, what do you think?"
"Why, you're beautiful! You look twenty years younger! All the wrinkles have gone out of your face!"
_____________
"A stranger's just a friend you ain't met yet." --- Dave Gardner
A kangaroo walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't get a lot of Kangaroos in here." Kangaroo says, "At these prices, I ain't surprised."
A husband and a wife were out enjoying a round of golf about to tee off on the third hole which was lined with beautiful homes.
The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice. Her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to their surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife said, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there and freed me from that little bottle. I am so grateful," he answered.
The wife said, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes...one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife." I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I have made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?" to which she responded, "Three years." The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" to which she responded, "31 years old." The genie then asked, "How long has he believed in this genie stuff?"
An American, Australian and Englishman where stranded together on a desert island.
After many years together, one day the three men were walking on the beach when they saw an old bottle than had been washed up.
Immediatley the American opened the bottle. There was a flash and a loud bang and a Genie appeared.
The Genie said" I have been trapped in that bottle for a 1000 years, and as a reward I will give you all one wish"
The American straight away said "I want to go back home to New York"
With a wave of the Genie's hand, the American disappeared.
The Australian said "Please send me back to my home in Sydney"
"No Problem", the Genie answered. And the Austrialian disappeared.
Suddenly there was a loud crash.
Behind the Genie and the Englishman, a giant pink elephant had just fallen out of the sky onto the beach.
The elephant picked himself up and looked around.
He then looked at the Genie and the Englishman and said apologetically, "Sorry chaps, I appear to be the wrong joke!"
Why dont canibals eat clowns? They taste funny!
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies.
The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had accrued while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, but all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree, and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass.
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.
His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"
They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
"I Don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!"
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
[Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway.] "Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
[Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different tack.] "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
[Ah--at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he's kicked out his/her monitor's power plug.] "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
[pause] "Yes, it is."
[Hmm. Well, that's interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor s/he has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
[muffled] "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
[still muffled] "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
[clear again] "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power--!?!" ...[AAAAAAARGH!]
"A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" [slam]
5.- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4.- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3.- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2.- The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
1.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
ROLFMHO!!!!! Very good, Vic!!
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but I loved her still.4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown-apart.8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall; the police are looking into it.10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center read: 'Keep off the Grass.'15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned Veteran.17. An upside-down poet writes inverse.18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.19. When the cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'25.. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.26. There was a person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
27. Why did Henry David Thoreau never leave his cabin? Because he was Walden.
Have fun with your trains
Lawrence Welk, railfan?
The song does mention trains and stations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8tdmaEhMHE
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop at the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous. 'You have no arms !' 'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !' And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, 'Bishop, who was this man ?'. 'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied, ( scroll down ) 'BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL' Wait ! WAIT ! There's more................. The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.' The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly. 'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...........' (wait for it.........It's worth it.. ..) 'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'
rushed up the stairs to his side. 'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly. 'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...........' (wait for it.........It's worth it.. ..) 'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'
Oil Changing Instructions For Men and WomenWOMEN: Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. Drink a cup of coffee. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. MEN: 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. Give up and use crescent wrench. 9. Unscrew drain plug. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 10. Have another beer while oil is draining. 11. Look for oil filter wrench. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off. 12. More beer. 13. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow. 14. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 15. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 10. 16. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 19. Remember drain plug from step 11. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 20. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 21. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 22. Bang head on floor board in reaction. Begin cussing. Alot. 23. Throw wrench. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992. 24. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 25. Beer. 26. Beer. 27. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 28. Beer. 29. Lower car from jack stands. 30. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 31. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 20. 32. Drive car.
A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?" bartender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?" bar tender says no. Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers? Bartender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time I'll nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out. Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bartender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.
He then said, "Anything else?"
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."
The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."
Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?Paddy: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?Paddy: Seven!
Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my *** money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my *** money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell.....that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
- Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I`ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
zardoz A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."
Johnny
There’s a Christian who’s hiking in the woods one day when he comes upon an angry bear.
The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, clearly preparing to charge.
In panic, the Christian started to run, but the bear followed close on his heels.
Finally the hiker came to a cliff. So he dropped to his knees and asked God to please make this bear a good Christian bear.
To the hiker’s amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to his knees and folded his paws together in prayer!
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the Christian.
"Thank you, Lord!" exclaimed the bear, "for this meal I'm about to receive!"
This bear walks into a bar. Then he sits down and orders a beer.
The bartender, amazed that this bear can actually talk, gives him a beer.
The bear says, "What do I owe you?"
The bartender stops and thinks for a moment.
"Even though this bear is smart," thinks the bartender, "he probably hasn’t been in many bars."
So the bartender says, "That'll be ten dollars."
The bear forks over the money and starts drinking his beer.
After a few minutes, the bartender can't restrain his curiosity, so he walks back over to the bear and tries to strike up a conversation.
"You know, we don't get many bears in this bar."
The bear looks up from his drink and says, "Well, at ten bucks a beer, I'm not surprised."
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."
"Don't what?" Adam asked.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," said God.
"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve both asked, jumping up and down excitedly.
"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break, and he was very angry.
"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the first parent asked.
"Uh-huh", replied Adam.
"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.
"I dunno," Adam answered.
God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
The priest was preparing a dying man for his voyage into the great beyond.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!" The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
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