I dunno. He's laughable enough without having to piece this together.
_____________
"A stranger's just a friend you ain't met yet." --- Dave Gardner
wanswheel
Your point was?????
Norm
A man sits down at a bar, opens his briefcase and takes out a small piano with a one foot tall piano player. "That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen." says the bartender, amazed. "where'd you get it?" The customer tells him that he was taking out the trash and he found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out the genie said he would grant him one wish, and this is what he got. "Wow. Do you still have the lamp?" asked the barman. "Sure, right here. go ahead, try it. But I gotta warn you, He's a little hard of hearing, so when you tell him your wish, you have to speak clearly." The man get's up to use the rest room. When he comes back, he finds the whole room is filled with ducks flying all over the place, Knocking over bottles, spilling drinks, crapping on patrons and making a mess of the place. "What the hell happened? he asks the bartender. "I don't know...All I did was wish for a million bucks." "oh, right," says the man. "I told you he was hard of hearing, he probably thought you said a million ducks. I mean, hell, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
Dave
Just be glad you don't have to press "2" for English.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ_ALEdDUB8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hqFS1GZL4s
http://s73.photobucket.com/user/steemtrayn/media/MovingcoalontheDCM.mp4.html?sort=3&o=27
A vedor rep was telling me about a family trip they took last fall. His young daughter said "Daddy? Why do all the raccoons come up to the road to sleep?".
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
Heard in our office today:
A girl is on an airplane with her mom and asks her, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, then why don’t big planes have baby planes?" The mom smiles and tells her daughter to ask the stewardess. The stewardess comes over and the the little girl asks her the same question she asked her mother. The stewardess asks the girl if her mom told her to ask her and the little girl replied "Yes." Then the stewardess says "Well that’s because Southwest Airlines always pull out on time!"
(This text version from: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/southwestairlinesjokes.html )
For more funny airline jokes, go to:
http://www.funnyairlinestories.com/jokes/pas.asp
- Paul North.
Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"
Being prim and proper the ladies did not send a note telling to get the cows serviced, they just wrote "comfortable".
Punchline explanation available on request.
Patrick Boylan
Free yacht rides, 27' sailboat, zip code 19114 Delaware River, get great Delair bridge photos from the river. Send me a private message
Three girls got the idea to rob a bank, and they almost got away with it, but the police were hot on their trail. They decided to hide in an old barn, and then run after the police left. When the police came into the barn, they had hidden in three old potato sacks. The police decided to check the sacks by tapping them with their batons. The first sack held a brunette, and, thinking quickly, she barked and growled. The police moved to the next sack, and, thinking quickly, the red head meowed and hissed. Then the police checked the last sack, and the three got caught. The third sack had the blonde hiding in it. When the police officer tapped it with his baton, the blonde, thinking quickly..........
shouted.........
POTATOES!
Ricky W.
HO scale Proto-freelancer.
My Railroad rules:
1: It's my railroad, my rules.
2: It's for having fun and enjoyment.
3: Any objections, consult above rules.
Man said to God, what's a million years to you?
God said a minute.
Man said to God, what's a million dollars to you?
God said a penny.
Man said to God, give to me a million dollars.
and God said, sure, in a minute.
Paul_D_North_Jr "Head for the roundhouse, Nellie - they can't corner you there !" - Paul North.
"Head for the roundhouse, Nellie - they can't corner you there !"
To Paul of Covington (and others similarly situated, like me) - a book that seems interesting:
http://www.marketplace.org/topics/business/should-you-procrastinate-purpose
http://www.amazon.com/Procrastinate-Purpose-Permissions-Multiply-Your/dp/0399170626
http://roryvaden.com/blog/procrastinate-on-purpose/
http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/22521947-procrastinate-on-purpose
(oft-quoted by my father, who probably got it from some old-time radio show, I believe - see, for example:)
https://www.pioneerdrama.com/SearchDetail.asp?pc=RUNTOTHERO
http://www.amazon.com/Run-For-Round-House-Nellie/dp/B003HZGX8S (Peggy Lee ?)
https://www.facebook.com/RuntotheRoundhouseNellie
http://sidetracked-charley.blogspot.com/2011/01/head-for-round-house-nellie.html (good photo of one)
I've been meaning to add this one for some time now, but I've been busy procrastinating:
God told man that good and obedient wives were to be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the world round and laughed and laughed.
Paul_D_North_Jr Warning - for mature members only: From a restroom wall: Vidi, vici, veni . . . I figure it's naughty only if you understand it (Latin in this case). - PDN.
Warning - for mature members only:
From a restroom wall:
Vidi, vici, veni . . .
I figure it's naughty only if you understand it (Latin in this case). - PDN.
It's not possible to attend Catholic school without learning Latin.
Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow
Tsk, tsk,tsk. Yes I understand. Nice rearrangement of the saying.
Conversation in a bench seat (this definitely dates the conversation):
Sweet Young Thing: Can't you use both hands?
Young Man: No, I need one to drive with.
Johnny
Cogito ergo potato, I think therefore I yam.
zardoz Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes?" Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.
Rene Descartes went into his favorite bar and the bar tender asked, "would you like your usual drink, Monsieur Descartes?"
Descartes replied "I think not" and promptly disappeared.
Cogito, ergo zoom!
I'm sure that we all know that old soldiers never die, they just fade away.
However, upholsterers never die; they always recover.
A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers were taking a train to attend a joint conference. Each of the mathematicians had a ticket, but only one of the engineers did. The mathematicians were snickering about this when one of the engineers returned to the car and shouted, "Conductor's coming!"
All of the engineers hurried back and crammed into a restroom, and when the conductor came by, he knocked on the door and said,"Ticket please." The engineer with the ticket passed it under the door, and the conductor punched it and returned it. After the conductor left, all the engineers came piling out, and the mathematicians sat there in amazement.
On the return trip the mathematicians decided to do the same thing, so they only purchased one ticket amongst them. This time, none of the engineers had a ticket. The mathematicians were snickering again, when an engineer ran in the car and said "Conductor's coming." All of the mathematicians piled into one restroom and all of the engineers into another.
The last engineer in knocked on the restroom of mathematicians and said, "Ticket, please." He then took the ticket and joined the rest of the engineers.
REDNECK COMPUTER TERMS
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods
BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern
BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick
BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro
CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps
CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in
TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker
CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited
DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers
DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer
FAX - What you lie about to the IRS
HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking
HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos
INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair
KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere
MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food
MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers
MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall
MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie live
NETWORK - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line
ONLINE - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test
ROM - Where the pope lives
SCREEN - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch
SERIAL PORT - A red wine you drink with breakfast
SUPERCONDUCTOR - Amtrak's Employee of the year
SCSI - What you call your week-old underwear
A FIRST GRADE TEACHER collected old, well known proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you………………………………….mess it up.
Better to be safe than……………………………………………..punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the…………………………………………………………….bug is close.
It's always darkest before………………………………………daylight savings time.
You can lead a horse to water but………..........................................................how?
Don't bite the hand that……………………………………………………..looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a……………………………………………………………Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new……………………………………………….math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll…………………………….stink in the morning.
The pen is mightier than the…………………………………………………...pigs.
An idle mind is…………………………………………………..the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's……………………………………………..pollution.
Happy is the bride who……………………...………………….gets all the presents.
A penny saved is…………………………………………………………..not much.
Two's company, three's……………………………………………the musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and….you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not………………………….spanked or grounded.
When the blind leadeth the blind………………………………...get out of the way.
I found a few old jokes buried in my old computer. Some of the references are so dated that some of you youngsters might not understand....
For better of for worse, here are a few of them:
Viruses To Watch Out For
1. Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus: warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton: Virus Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus: Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus: Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus: Attacks your hard drive's FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
11. AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."
14. Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your computer (affects Apples only!).
19. Congressional Virus #1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."
25. O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did.
An oxymoron --------- The Russian bureau of comedy ?
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