Too bad the Burger King in Oconomowoc is long gone...
Current appropriate responses now are:
"Arrrbeees"
"Taaacoo Beellll"
"Kay Eff Cee"
"Cuuulveerrr's"
Mike WSOR engineer | HO scale since 1988 | Visit our club www.WCGandyDancers.com
Two Illinois tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they approached Oconomowoc they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. This went on until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist said to the cute blonde behind the counter "Can you settle an argument for us? Would you pronounce where we are, very slowly?"
The blonde leaned forward and said "Burrrr-gerrrr Kiiiing".
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Wisconsin is planning to do its own, entitled "Survivor – Wisconsin Style." The contestants will start in Milwaukee, travel up to Sheboygan and on to Manitowoc and Green Bay. Then they will head over to Wausau and up to Rhinelander and Minocqua. From there they will proceed up to Ashland and Superior. Then back down through Rice Lake, Eau Claire and all the way down to Madison and back over to Milwaukee. Each will be driving a pink Volvo with Illinois license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads:
The first one that makes it back to Milwaukee alive, wins. Good luck to all contestants!
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going up north past Hayward for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again.
Your whole family wears green and gold to church on Sunday.
You can drive 65 mph through two feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.
You see people wearing hunting clothes at social events.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
You think the four major food groups are: cheese, beer, fish and venison.
You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
There are seven empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm at any given time.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You refer to the Packers as "we".
You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
You can identify an Illinois accent.
You have no problem spelling Milwaukee.
You consider Madison exotic.
You don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a cow/deer next to your blue spruce.
You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
A brat is something you eat.
Down south to you means Chicago.
Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new machine shed.
You go out to fish fry every Friday.
You know how to polka and 2-Step.
Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 0 degrees "a little chilly".
You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Wisconsin friends.
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if youare able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:Pythagorean theorem:...................................................................24 words. Lord's prayer:...................................................................................66 words. Archimedes' Principle:....................................................................67 words. 10 Commandments:....................................................................179 words. Gettysburg address:.....................................................................286 words. Declaration of Independence :................................................1,300 words. US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:............................7,818 words. US Government regulations on sale of cabbage:.............26,911 words.
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." "Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Nance-CCABW/LEI
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown
Well, DUH! They bring pilgrims!
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
Semper Vaporo Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st? Because they just finished a 31 day March!
Why are soldiers so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a 31 day March!
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangeable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.Years of development: We finally got one that works.Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.Improved: Didn't work the first time.Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we hope.Hand-crafted: Assembly machines operated without gloves on.Performance proven: Will operate through the warranty period.Meets all standards: Ours, not yours.Broadcast quality: Gives a picture and produces noise.High reliability: We made it work long enough to ship it.SMPTE bus compatible: When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound.New generation: Old design failed, maybe this one will work.
MIL-SPEC components: We got a good deal at a government auction.Customer service across the country: You can return it from most airports.Unprecedented performance: Nothing we ever had before worked this way.Built to precision tolerances: We finally got it to fit together.Microprocessor controlled: Does things we can't explain.Latest aerospace technology: One of our techs was laid off by Boeing.
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.
Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Saw this on a Canadian RR forum several days before the recent VIA wreck, so I held off until now.
First poster: "several cars jumped the tracks at Somewhere, ON."
First reply: "that's the Crew's version, Management will say they were pushed!"
Bruce
So shovel the coal, let this rattler roll.
"A Train is a Place Going Somewhere" CP Rail Public Timetable
"O. S. Irricana"
. . . __ . ______
As two NBA basketball referees walked through the countryside, they noticed some tracks. First said, 'Deer tracks?' Second said 'No, bear tracks.' However, the conversation ended abruptly when a train hit them.
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
Herding Instinct
CelibacyWhat is Celibacy?Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed bycircumstances.While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to theinstructor declare, It is essential that husbands and wives know thethings that are important to each other.He then addressed the men.Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?Frank leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,Gold Medal-All-Purpose, Isn't it?And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
Here's how I know that story, from UP THE ORGANIZATION by Robert Townsend, Knopf, New York, 1970 (LC 72-98654), pg. 154, footnote:
You remember the old story about the philosopher* who asked a beautiful socialite at a cocktail party if she would sleep with him for $5 million. She said she would. He asked, "How about $5?" She was outraged. "What do you think I am -- a wh_ r _?" "We've already established that," said the philosopher, "now I'm trying to establish your price." ["best price" in other versions]
(*Professor of Philosophy, Purchasing Agent, etc. in other versions)
- Paul North.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"A can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
"Well yes!" answered the woman.
The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a dollar?"
"Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?"
"I've already established that, ma'am," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."
So this new skydiver's making his first jump. He exits the plane, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. As he's falling he looks down and sees another guy coming UP. "HEY!!" he yells, "YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" The other guy yells back "NO! YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT GAS GRILLS?"
A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at Boeing is good... How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!
It was good (?) enough for Prairie Home Companion on NPR - and what about the string, too, Carl . . .
The joke may not be repeatable here, but the punchline is good...I heard it last week for the first time in years.
"I use the spoon."
Not the least bit improve, I would say. Who agrees?
"As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently Gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the Diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the Side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in Place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played Out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes And started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I Never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in Septic Tanks for twenty years." Apparently I'm still lost....it's a guy thing
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