The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New York and is wisked away in a private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him drive.The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters."Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands."This is the chief, what's the problem?""Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure what to do" "Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief."Bigger than that" says the officer."Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief."Bigger than the Governor" says the officer."Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?" "Bigger" say the officer."Who the heck did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed. "Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the Pope!"
zardoz The Rules of Chocolate If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. Money talks. Chocolate sings. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done. Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake. HAPPY EASTER !!!
If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get two pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Chocolate is a health food. Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived either from sugar beets or cane, both vegetables. And, of course, the milk/cream is dairy. So eat more chocolate to meet the dietary requirements for daily vegetable and dairy intake.
HAPPY EASTER !!!
Zardoz, you made my morning!! Thanks for the good laughs. I always knew that chocolate is a vegetable, and the milk/cream is definitely from the dairy list. Thank you for posting this!
And may you all have a Blessed, Happy Easter!!
Church Bulletin Fun
* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
* This afternoon services will be held at the north and south ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
* The Little Mothers Club will meet at 5 p.m. Thursday. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
* This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
* Next week we will take a collection to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet should come forward and get a piece of paper.
* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement today.
* A bean supper will be held on Thursday evening. Music will follow.
* The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
How many eggs can you put in an empty Easter basket?......Only one--then the basket is no longer empty....
Nance-CCABW/LEI
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown
In memory of tax day (yesterday):
Erstwhile taxpayer calls the post office at 11:00 PM on April 15 and asks, "How late can I mail my taxes?"
"We'll be open until midnight," replied the clerk.
"Oh, good!" exclaimed the taxpayer. "Where can I get the forms?"
---------------------------
And for the upcoming holiday:
You heard about the fellow who attended a costume party in scrubs and rabbit ears?
He was the ether bunny....
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Neighbor kids from Austria across the street want to drive that hot Chrysler car when they grow up - you know the one, a Dodge Wiper !
The "Pennsylvania Dutch" area guys I used to work with called the imported German car known often as a 'Beetle' a "Wolks- Vagen". They could say it 3 times real fast without missing a beat, too . . .
- Paul North.
A woman was at the summer olympics. As she walked through a crowded area, she bumped into a man carrying a pole. She asked "are you a pole vaulter?" Puzzed, he replied " No, I'm a Norweigan, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
A logician saves the life of a tiny space alien. The alien is very grateful and, since she's omniscient, offers the following reward: she offers to answer any question the logician might pose.
Without too much thought (after all, he's a logician), he asks: "What is the best question to ask and what is the correct answer to that question?"
The tiny alien pauses. Finally she replies, "The best question is the one you just asked; and the correct answer is the one I gave."
How do you catch the Easter Bunny?Hide in the bushes and make a noise like a carrot!
What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?A receding hareline.
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is dead .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the road sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and killed him."
The blonde says,"Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves a paw at the them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry)
(Last chance!)
(OK, here it is)
It says...
"Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair,and adds a permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
Aw. come on, how could you guys forget
FIAT: Fix It Again, Tony
Of course, my all time favorite was the explanation for what the acronym version of my employer's name in the 1970's, one of the major motion picture film labs in Hollywood:
CFI: "Can't Find It" --said to more than one customer (I was told) when they came to collect negatives or prints. (Apparently dailies were a big problem in that regard, for some reason.)
To add to the above:
FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily
FORD: Found On Road, Dead
FORD: Found On Russian Dump
And my favourites:
ACRONYM: A Coded Rendition Of Names Yielding Meaning
ACRONYMS: A Coded Rendition Of Names Yielding Meaning Sometimes.
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
As a follow-up to TREE68's post, here are some more modern acronyms:
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sex BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control BMW: Big Money Waste BUICK: Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months CHEVROLET: Cracked Head, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every TimeCHEVROLET: Can Hear Every Valve Rattle on Long Extended Trips COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language COMPUTER: Capable Of Making Perfectly Uncomplicated Tasks Extremely Rigorous DELTA: Doesn't Even Leave The AirportDELTA: Don't Expect Luggage To ArriveDODGE: Drips Oil, Drips Grease Everywhere GMC: Gotta Mechanic Coming! HONDA: Hold On, Not Done Accelerating! SUBARU: Still Usable But All Rusty Underneath TOYOTA: The One You Ought To Avoid WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
and my favorite: TLA: Three Letter Acronym
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?" The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made." A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?" The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.'He looked around and couldn't see anyone. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up, then kiss me, and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'With age comes wisdom.
Johnny
They said it couldn't be done
with a smile he went right to it
He tackled the job that couldn't be done
and you know ?... He couldn't do it!
Dave
Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow
They say that nothing is impossible, but they are wrong; I've been doing it for years.
Why be difficult, when with just a little effort, you can be impossible?
The Arrogance of Authority A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas.He told the old rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."The rancher said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there..."The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher."See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear...do you understand?!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs...
...
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"
Forgive me if this one has previously posted, but here goes:
Two blondes were walking in the woods. When they came across a set of tracks. The first one said, "Those are bear tracks!" The second disagreed. "Those are rabbit tracks!" So, they followed the tracks arguing. "Bear tracks!" "Rabbit tracks!" Just then a train runs them over.
Here's a joke that'll make you laugh sooooooooooo hard
Amtrak
A less-than-intelligent fellow (choose your own group) called buddy, all excited because he'd completed a jigsaw puzzle. The buddy was less than impressed and inquired as to why this fellow was so excited.
"On the box it says 3 to 5 years, and I got it done in less than two weeks!"
Sounds like we'd all be better off to stick with our trains, and stay away from the animals!
I had the same problem when I tried to put together a picture of a tiger...
Grrr...
Uhm... I don't know, but I just hope I don't try to do so with a box of Corn Flakes!!!
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