Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

not exactly humor, but I thought maybe some of us would be able to appreciate......
A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them".

For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house"

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots.

But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. Blessings to all my crackpot friends.

[zardoz]

rated PG:

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"


And the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car.

[CShaveRR]

CW

I've probably got a million of 'em, but can't remember any of them now that I'm older and slightly more than half awake. Last night, after biking home from work, I thought that was funny!

Another CW

[vsmith]

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> > shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over
> > which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly
> > wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
> >
> > When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
> > Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that
> > towel that you have on."
> >
> > After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands
> > naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars
> > and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman
> > wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
> >
> > When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,
> > "Who was that?"
> >
> > "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
> >
> > "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes
> > me?"

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]

Jim will be locking himself in the Diner's storage room for protection after posting this one. Number 10 cans stacked neatly on the shelves make great hiding place. [;)]


Courses for Women



1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.

2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.

3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don't need new shoes everyday.

4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.

5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.

6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.

7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.

8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.

9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.

10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.

11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.

12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.

13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.

14. Real women drink their share at a party.

15. Telephones: How to hang up.

16. Parking: Beginners Course.

17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.

18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.

19. Managing your weight: It's not water retention... it's fat.

20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.

21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.

22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.

23. PMS: Your problem... not his.

[cherokee woman]

Jim, let me get with Mookie, Nance, and Nora: then we'll get back to you.

BTW, thanks for letting us know where to find you in the stock room !!

[JoeKoh]

Jim better run!
stay safe
joe

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Jim, let me get with Mookie, Nance, and Nora: then we'll get back to you.

Uh, huh. If it hurts, it must be the truth......

<Tree ducks, runs for cover with Jim>

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Jim, let me get with Mookie, Nance, and Nora: then we'll get back to you.

Uh, huh. If it hurts, it must be the truth......

<Tree ducks, runs for cover with Jim>

L M A O [:D] [:D] [:D] [}:)] [:p] [;)] [:D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Jim, let me get with Mookie, Nance, and Nora: then we'll get back to you.

Uh, huh. If it hurts, it must be the truth......

<Tree ducks, runs for cover with Jim>

L M A O [:D] [:D] [:D] [}:)] [:p] [;)] [:D]

Gutsiest move I ever saw Maverick.

[vsmith]

Idiots on Parade!

IDIOTS IN SERVICE
This week, my phone wen t dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. I went next door and called them. They promised to be out between 8:00a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"

IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed
me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my know! ledge, how would I know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and
for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn
on.

IDIOT SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver'sside door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [8D] [8D]



Today's Joke

Ray was trying to cross the street.

As he stepped off the curb a car came screaming around
the corner and headed straight for him.

Ray walked faster, trying to hurry across the street,
but the car changed lanes and kept coming at him.

So Ray turned around to go back, but the car changed
lanes again and continued coming at him.

By then, the car was so close and Ray was so scared
that he just froze in the middle of the road.

The car got real close, then swerved at the last
possible moment and stopped next to Ray.

The driver rolled down the window. It was a squirrel.

It said, "See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

******************************************************

Daily Thoughts

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
to be lazy.

If you take something apart and put it back together
again enough times, you will eventually have enough
parts left over to build a second one.

I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!!!

******************************************************

Reader's Story

My husband, who was a truck driver, stopped at a
truckstop one night. As he pulled back on the
interstate he heard this loud flapping. He noticed
that a piece of black plastic,like a garbage bag, had
got caught on his mirror and was flapping in the wind.
He decided to get it off at the next place he stopped.

He stopped but forgot about the plastic so when he got
back on the interstate the flapping reminded him.
Annoyed by the sound he rolled down his window and
reached out to pull it off the mirror. As he grabbed
it his hand slid down it stretching it out. Instead of
grabbing hold of a black plastic bag he had grabbed a
big bat's wing. He freaked and just about wrecked
trying to get his window up before it came in.

After that he checked his mirrors whenever he stopped
at night.

[Anonymous]

Here are a few funnies, some are funny, some are [:0] [B)] .


http://www.funnies.com/offend.htm

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:)] [;)] [:)]

If there are any "teachers" who are forum members I might have to go back and "hide" in the storeroom again. [}:)] [;)] [:p]


KIDS TODAY THINK ON THEIR FEET

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!

*************

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen.... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."

*************

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"

JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."

*************

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now
do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."



TEACHER: Morris, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

*************

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on
talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher

[zardoz]

Mostly for Mookie, Nora, and Cherokee Woman; with regards to any others of the fair sex that I omitted.


Subject: Eve chats with God

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create
him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart
as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the
catch Lord?"

"Well...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

[zardoz]

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: A brand new
Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind
of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the
young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old
man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the
speedometer reads 160 mph!

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on Earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.

He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!

Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath...

"Unhook...my...suspenders... from...your...side view mirror."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Mostly for Mookie, Nora, and Cherokee Woman; with regards to any others of the fair sex that I omitted.


Subject: Eve chats with God

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create
him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart
as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the
catch Lord?"

"Well...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

Jim [:)]

Sounds like you have been talking with Billie Jean King. [}:)] [;)]

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Mostly for Mookie, Nora, and Cherokee Woman; with regards to any others of the fair sex that I omitted.


Subject: Eve chats with God

"Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of
these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but
I'm just not happy."

"And why is that Eve?"

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"Man? What is that Lord?"

"A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create
him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart
as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, "but what's the
catch Lord?"

"Well...you can have him on one condition."

"And what's that Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring...so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.

And it will have to be our little secret ... you know, woman to woman."

Zardoz,

I LOVE this. It's so cute, and so true[8D][:D]

[Anonymous]

Finally F R I D A Y . . . . . . . [:)] [:p] [:)]

(But I am having another week without a day off [:(] )


Maybe I can come out of the storeroom on this one. (Don't tell anyone where I hide, I don't want too much company back there. I like to eat in peace, just me and the mice. [}:)] [;)] )


TEACHERS

After being interviewed by the school administration,
the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've
got this right.

You want me to go into that room with all those kids
and fill their every waking moment with a love for
learning." And I'm supposed to instill a sense of
pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive
behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and
even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually
transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for
weapons of mass destruction,and raise their
self-esteem.

You want me to teach them patriotism, good
citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and
where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook,
and how to apply for a job.

I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe
environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior,
offer advice, write letters of recommendation for
student employment and scholarships, encourage respect
for their elders and future employers.

And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by
letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a
computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big
smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my
family for food stamps!

You want me to do all of this, and you expect me NOT
TO PRAY?"

~Teacher Unknown~

[cherokee woman]

Yes, Jim, you can come out of the stock room. That's a very good piece there. But . . .
PLEASE remove the mice from the stockroom.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Yes, Jim, you can come out of the stock room. That's a very good piece there. But . . .
PLEASE remove the mice from the stockroom.

WHY [:)]

I like them, they are my "friends". They don't eat much, AND they are good for keeping certain "types of people" out of the storeroom. [:D] [;)] [:D] (mainly the females--so I can hide in peace lol lol lol ) [:D] [}:)] [;)] [8D] [:D]

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [:)] [:)] [:)]


The other night I went to one of them special clubs, you know the ones where they have female dancers and poles. This one "cutie" really caught my eye. She was a brown eyed beauty.


http://www.departmentofmysteries.com/jhhtrainsplanes/001.jpg



Just picture "her" in a bikini. [:D] [;)] [:D]


Well the pic didn't work so I hope the link does.

Thanks to Nora for hosting the pic. [:D]

[Anonymous]

A few more funnies for the day. [:D] [;)] [:D]



Gary and Keith were chatting by the office coffee
maker.

"I had the most bizarre dream the night before last,"
Gary declared, "All night there was just this huge
glowing number 5. It was made of gold and sparkled
with diamonds."

Keith raised an eyebrow and responded, "Interesting.
So what'd ya do?"

"The first thing that I did in the morning was to grab
the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race and
the #5 horse in the fifth race was named 'The Fifth
Element.'"

Keith started grinning.

"I was sure that this was a sign," explained Gary,
"so...
- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank
five cups of coffee
- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head
- I took a five minute shower
- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet
- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it
up
- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth
stall in the fifth row
- I entered through the fifth admissions gate
- I bought five programs
- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $5 on the
fifth horse in the fifth race
- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers
making sure there were five people sitting on either
side of me. I settled in and waited for the race to
start."

"Well," wondered Keith, "Did the horse win?"

Gary smiled, "Of course not, he came in fifth."




Last Laugh


A Texan stood in London looking at a large building. A
British boy walked by and stood beside the American.

"You know," said the Texan, "in the States we have
that kind of building too, but they are four times
higher."

"Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental
hospital."

[Noah Hofrichter]

I like that last one Jim, as well as all the teacher jokes. Most of teacher ones were exactly true too![:D]

Noah

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Yes, Jim, you can come out of the stock room. That's a very good piece there. But . . .
PLEASE remove the mice from the stockroom.

WHY [:)]

I like them, they are my "friends". They don't eat much, AND they are good for keeping certain "types of people" out of the storeroom. [:D] [;)] [:D] (mainly the females--so I can hide in peace lol lol lol ) [:D] [}:)] [;)] [8D] [:D]

But Jim, WHY would you want to hide in the storeroom[?][:0] We forum members of the
female population are your friends also[:D][}:)] WE would'nt harm you any at all[:p][}:)]

[JoeKoh]

Jim just give them chocolate cake
stay safe
joe

[Noah Hofrichter]

Saw this one on a sign besides a church:

The big bang therory:
God said it and,
Bang!
It happened[:D]

Noah

[espeefoamer]

Noah, How true![:)]

[Anonymous]

Aye!- I second that motion! (all opposed-same sign)

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

Jim just give them chocolate cake
stay safe
joe

Joe [8D]

Give who the cake, the mice or the ladies? [:p] [}:)] [;)]

Or maybe give the ladies a cake with the mice in it. Sorta a Trojan Mice Cake. lol [:D] [}:)] [;)] <Now you see why I keep the mice in the storeroom. [;)] [}:)] [;)] >