Religious fanatics

[Anonymous]

She's a Witch!
Burn Her !!!!!!

How do you that she's a witch?

Because she turned me into a newt !!!

(I got better)

[Anonymous]

If you don't like it don't read it, railfanning is for every one.

[zardoz]

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly,
since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize
besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know
when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

[Anonymous]

Z -

Another Classic...

FOFLMAO, holding on to a pew...

LC

[Junctionfan]

Why don't they put cushions on the pews? Must attending church be a pain in the butt?[:D][:-^]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Junctionfan

Why don't they put cushions on the pews? Must attending church be a pain in the butt?[:D][:-^]

Well, you see. They call that "paying penance",and it only hurts if you've been a sinner.

God comforts those who've behaved well with his omnipotent powers

[Mookie]

Ah Zardoz - you made my day!

[zardoz]

My blonde haired neighbor goes to the post office to buy stamps for Christmas. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God please help us. Has it come to this?" Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran, and 22 Baptists."

[zardoz]

YOUR CHURCH MIGHT BE REDNECK IF:

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." Five guys and Two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "branding."

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a 56 Chevy.

Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink."

"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now! Ya Hear"

[zardoz]

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

[dharmon]

Z .....you slay me....

ROTFLMAO

[Junctionfan]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that reads:

"The End Is Near! Turn Yourself Around Now -- Before It's Too Late!"

As a car sped past them, the driver yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

Ahhhh....my stomach. [:D][:D][:D]

[vsmith]

A few minutes before the services started in the local church, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

“And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

A few minutes before the services started in the local church, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

“And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

FOFDSOINSLMAO (Falling On Floor, Down Stairs Out Into the Street...)

LC

[Anonymous]

Thanks to all who contributed these jokes. Where do you guys find jokes like that!

m

[locomutt]

LC,

You know "rolling out into the street", could be hazardous to your health !?!?

mehrlich,most of the jokes come from "Readers Digest,the Arcamax web site,
and a few other places"

[ben10ben]

A Church's pastor and music minister weren't getting along.

On the first Sunday of their conflict, the preacher preached on tithing, and the music minister selected "Jesus Paid it All".

The second Sunday, the sermon was on euthenasia, and the closing song "Take my Life"

The third Sunday, growing frustrated, the preacher preached on gossip, and the closing song was "I Love to tell the Story".

The preacher finally decided that he had had enough, and resigned the next Sunday. When he announced that the Lord had called him to another church, the music minister lead the congregation in "What a Friend we Have in Jesus".

[Anonymous]

[gabe]

QUOTE: Originally posted by TheAntiGates

You guys would give the Energizer Bunny a good run for its money.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by gabe



You guys would give the Energizer Bunny a good run for its money.

[dharmon]

Ahhh..the Buddy Christ.........for the askewview

[csxengineer98]

QUOTE: Originally posted by TheAntiGates

ahahah...seeing "buddy christ" agin just brough back a flood of images from that movie...lol....
csx engineer

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by csxengineer98

ahahah...seeing "buddy christ" agin just brough back a flood of images from that movie...lol....
csx engineer

Glad I could bring a little humor into your day....that's what it's all about! [;)]

[Anonymous]

http://www.jesusdance.org/

[edblysard]

You guys are sincerely sick, twisted, and bent...
A little folded, spindled and mutilated too....
My kinda crowd!

Ed[:D]

[Anonymous]

And then lets not forget "Frankenchrist", that mythical assembly of legend than has congealed over the years, as ever more sects have split off from the core of christianity due to differences of opinion, and found it necessary to personalize their share of the holy trinity..just to give their separatist pursuit legitimacy...

[AlcoRS11Nut]

hey.......I really don't care........if they do or don't. Its not my place to put pressure if people should/should not do stuff......just like I feel people should not force or pressure me for my views.

[AlcoRS11Nut]

QUOTE: Originally posted by gabe

QUOTE: Originally posted by TheAntiGates

You guys would give the Energizer Bunny a good run for its money.

I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by AlcoRS11Nut

hey.......I really don't care........if they do or don't. Its not my place to put pressure if people should/should not do stuff......just like I feel people should not force or pressure me for my views.

Just being honest, bt it really doesn't bother me when people pressure me for my views, I'll share my views with anyone.

it's when they pressure me to accept their views, because they have dewtermined that mine are wrong, that it gets irritating.

yes, I'm talking about the evangelical bit.... The ones who, having been "saved" are determined to share their special relationship with god with everyone around them.... THAT is the part that suxxors about the fanatics.

[Anonymous]

BRUTAL!!

LC