The new and (not very) improved humor thread

[Kootenay Central]

 Thank You for the items!

[Paul_D_North_Jr]

JoeKoh

possibly posted before-if so my apologies

 Picture Taking

a young man was driving in town and noticed a flash .he discovered it was an intersection camera that police use to check for speeding,red lights etc..He wasn't speeding nor ran the light so he decided to have some fun.he made faces at the camera and made gestures to the camera and his timing was perfect.Three days later he got five tickets in the mail for not wearing his safety belt while driving.As someone once said you can't fix stupid.

stay safe

joe 

Something similar was in the Phoenix, Arizona paper a couple weeks ago - on Saturday, January 9th, 2010, if I remember correctly.  A young fellow then driving a VW of some kind liked to stand up through the sunroof while speeding through the 'speed limit camera zones' on the highways out there.  They finally caught him - it seems like he did that 5 times that were shown in the photos, and he had accumulated something like 23 speeding tickets just since November.  I'll see if I can find a link to the story. 

- Paul North.

[Paul_D_North_Jr]

Kootenay's photos are too funny !    Thanks for sharing those. 

They remind me of a story in A Treasury of Railroad Folkore, so I believe both Johnny Degges and Jeff Hergert will be familiar with it as well, something like the following:

Superintendent of a railroad division - while out on an inspection trip over the road, far from the Ddivision's headquarters - receives a telegram:  ''Engine fell in turntable pit.  Removing with derrick.''  The Supt. thinks 'OK, that's being handled alright', and continues on his way. 

A little later on, though, he receives another telegram:  ''Derrick has fallen into pit.  Will use wrecking crane.'' 

His temper now rising, the Supt wires back: ''Stop.  No more room in pit !''

- Paul North.

[tree68]

Kootenay Central

Took a week to get them out.

Not to mention the fine they'd be paying here for each day the vehicles were in the water...

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

The Bag Piper

As a bag piper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the back-country, I got lost, and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and burial crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished playing, I packed up my bag pipes and headed for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years!!"

[dmoore74]

Another Blonde Joke

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using
the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had
to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

And yet another blonde joke:

A blonde was heard yelling at an ice vending machine, "You're no good, you're stupid and you will never amount to anything!!"

A friend of hers walked up to her and said, "What on earth are you doing?!"  To which the blonde replied, "It says here, to obtain ice, depress the button!"

[Paul_D_North_Jr]

 From the webpage It'll Never Work! by Donald Simanek, about halfway down, at - http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/neverwrk.htm 

RAILROADS

What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives traveling twice as fast as stagecoaches? - The Quarterly Review, England (March 1825)

 

...transport by railroad car would result in the emasculation of our troops and would deprive them of the option of the great marches which have played such an important role in the triumph of our armies. - Dominique Francois Arago (1786-1853)

 

In Bavaria the Royal College of Doctors, having been consulted, declared that railroads, if they were constructed, would cause the greatest deterioration in the health of the public, because such rapid movement would cause brain trouble among travelers, and vertigo among those who looked at moving trains. For this last reason it was recommended that all tracks be enclosed by high board fences raised above the height of the cars and engines.

 

Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia. - Dr. Dionysus Lardner (1793-1859), Professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy at University College, London.

- Paul North.

[Deggesty]

Paul_D_North_Jr

 From the webpage It'll Never Work! by Donald Simanek, about halfway down, at - http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/neverwrk.htm 

RAILROADS

What can be more palpably absurd than the prospect held out of locomotives traveling twice as fast as stagecoaches? - The Quarterly Review, England (March 1825)

 

...transport by railroad car would result in the emasculation of our troops and would deprive them of the option of the great marches which have played such an important role in the triumph of our armies. - Dominique Francois Arago (1786-1853)

 

In Bavaria the Royal College of Doctors, having been consulted, declared that railroads, if they were constructed, would cause the greatest deterioration in the health of the public, because such rapid movement would cause brain trouble among travelers, and vertigo among those who looked at moving trains. For this last reason it was recommended that all tracks be enclosed by high board fences raised above the height of the cars and engines.

 

Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia. - Dr. Dionysus Lardner (1793-1859), Professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy at University College, London.

- Paul North.

What would these people make of the Shinkansen or TGV? Of course, the passengers on these trains are not exposed to the open air, as passengers on the early trains were.

[Deggesty]

On the subject of blondes, when automobile manufacturers began using a switch on the steering column instead of a switch on the floorboard to change between the high beam and low beam of headlights, there was a rash of accidents caused by blondes who continued using their feet to change from one beam to the other.

[Kootenay Central]

Thank You for bringing back those old ones!

 Lots of memories of a different time.

[tree68]

Amazing Simple Home Remedies

These Really Work!

1.  Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2.  Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3.  For high blood pressure sufferers - simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins.  Remember to use a timer.  (Laugh if you will - that's exactly why the barber pole has red stripes.)

4.  A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5.  If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.  Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6.  You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape.  If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40.  If it does move and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

7.  If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Thought for the day:

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs...

[zardoz]

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The bartender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?"  Descartes replied, "I think not.", and promptly vanished.

[zardoz]

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.

After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

[zardoz]

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!"
The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"
The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

[zardoz]

A city man went on vacation in the autumn for a color tour in the midwest. Stopping one night at a small tavern for a meal and a beer, he regaled the waitress with tales of his adventures and his amazement not only about the beautiful colors, but about how many flocks of geese he'd seen flying south for the winter.
The gray haired tavern owner came over and said, "Yup, those geese are amazing creatures."
"How do you mean?" asked the man.
"Well," the owner explained as he pulled out a chair. "That 'V' formation they fly in is something they evolved over tens of thousands of years to allow them to go further distances when they migrate."
"Really?" asked the man.
"Yup," said the owner. "The strongest flyer would take the point, and the other geese would fall in formation in his airstream to allow them to relax a bit and not have to work so hard."
"That's amazing," said the man.
"Yup," the owner went on. "And when the point man got tired, he'd fall back and another, well rested goose would take over the point."
"Wow," said the man. "I never knew that."
"And did you notice," the owner asked, "that one leg of that 'V' was always longer than the other?"
"Well now that I think about it, yes I did," said the man. "Why is that?"
"Well," the owner grinned as he got up. "It's got more geese in it."

[Kootenay Central]

.

[rockymidlandrr]

Kootenay Central

 

Hungry? or, No Turntable?

http://forums.railfan.net/image.cgi?Vancouver/112.jpg

 I cant imagine that being healthy for that locomotive....

[zardoz]

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,

"Why don't you just put it in Park?"

[spokyone]

I have heard about these rules.

[zardoz]

spokyone

I have heard about these rules.

The railroad switch was hit by a firetruck that had swerved to avoid a duck. The truck almost ended up in the muck in a ditch. One person had bad luck and got hurt requiring a stitch so he could sit. His name was Chuck (who's nickname was hockeypuck). He had to hitch a ride home from Mitch, who used to pitch for the Cubs (his wife was a witch). Yuck.

[Kootenay Central]

Au

[ChuckCobleigh]

Kootenay Central

The Firemen were not happy when the Diesel came.

http://www.clickondetroit.com/video/22911112/index.html

Not to mention a cop who at least was able to get his cruiser into reverse and get the heck out of the way at the last second.

Nice illustration of a newswire story from the beginning of this month, eh?

[CShaveRR]

I'm not sure that the train hitting the fire truck is funny--that little faux pas cost the city of Detroit a few hundred Gs, and that's one city that really can't afford it.

Now the looks on the faces of the people on whom it finally dawned that they had parked those things in just the wrong place--now that would have been funny!

[blownout cylinder]

zardoz

The railroad switch was hit by a firetruck that had swerved to avoid a duck.

Was it a Witch Duck---must've been rich--

[zardoz]

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company." The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.

When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."

[zardoz]

A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bush's jumped the Game Warden !!

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden.

After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Lets see yer fishin license, Boy !!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son", said the Game Warden, " You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks !! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes Sir", replied the young feller," But my friend back there, well, he don't have one"...

[zardoz]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"

"Half a pack a day."

"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

"Do you want to live long?"

"Yes."

"Then it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea; but however long you live, it will certainly seem like an eternity!"

[zardoz]

4 MDs and 4 PhDs are going to a meeting by train. The 4 MDs each have their own ticket, but the 4 PhDs (who have little money, of course) have 1 ticket among them.
The MDs ask the PhDs (in a caring manner), "How are you going to manage with just one ticket between the ten of you?"
"Just watch," reply the PhDs. They all get on the train and the 4 MDs take their seats and hand their tickets to the conductor. But the PhDs all pile into a bathroom, and when the conductor comes by, a single arm reaches out and gives him the ticket.
The MDs, feeling enlightened, decide to try the same thing on the way home, so they purchase just one ticket among ten of them. The PhDs buy no ticket at all.
"How are you going to get home?" ask the MDs.
"Just watch." the PhDs reply. When they get on the train, all the MDs pile into a bathroom. 3 of PhDs get into another bathroom.
The fourth Ph.D. then knocks on the MDs' bathroom door and says "Ticket please."

[zardoz]

Family Ties
When a psychiatrist asked a patient, "What was the nature of your illness?" He got this reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, and then married her".
"And so now my stepdaughter was also my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother!"
"Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter."
"Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather."