A minister was feeling bored one Sunday and decided to take the day off from church. He told the assistant minister he wasn't feeling well and drove to a golf course about forty miles away so that no one there would know him.Up in Heaven, the angels were talking. One said to Jesus, "Are you going to let him get away with that?" Jesus said, "No, I won't." The minister teed off on the first hole and suddenly, the wind picked up, blowing the ball right in the hole for a 420 yard hole-in-one. The angel looked at Jesus and said, "Why did you do that?" Jesus smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
1 October 2010, ARIZONA | The Grand Canyon, one of the seven wonders of the world, recently welcomed home the soul of one of the witless wonders of the world.
Because of the tiresome problem of tourists falling their way into disaster, the more treacherous overlooks in the Grand Canyon are protected by fences and signs. All of these overlooks are spectacular. Some have towering columns, some have small plateaus that tourists toss coins onto, like dry wishing wells.
One entrepreneur wished for financial success. And there in front of him was a means to an end. He had a brilliant, an obvious, idea. No stranger to danger, the man climbed over the fence with a bag, leapt to one of the precarious, coin-covered perches, and filled the bag with booty. Harvest time!
But. When he tried to leap back to the safe side, he went head to head with physics. Specifically, F = mg. Our entrepreneur had increased his mass, and the force required to lift himself against the pull of gravity was now greater.
The heavy bag of coins arrested his jump, and the birds were treated to a view of his long plunge to the valley floor below, followed by a shower of coins.
Gravity. More than a good idea, it's The Law.
(3 November 2006, Michigan) Death by train is almost too common to merit a Darwin Award. Few people are unaware of the three most important facts about trains: 1) Trains cannot stop quickly. 2) Trains cannot swerve. 3) In any collision, the train always wins.
Forgetting these rules, a 20-year old man was walking down the railroad tracks in Comstock Township, near Kalamazoo, Michigan. This, in and of itself, is not even close to Darwinian stupidity. Trains are loud, and they announce their approach from quite a distance, allowing ample time to clear their path. However, our Darwin contender made sure the odds were in the train's favor by wearing a pair of headphones with the music turned up loud. Louder than the train's whistle, apparently.
The news report didn't mention what song he was listening to, but I'm guessing it was "Don't Look Back" by Boston. Not looking back sealed his fate. Despite several loud blasts of the horn by the train engineer, our Darwin contender kept strolling down the rails in musical bliss, until Amtrak removed him from the gene pool. Reference: Kalamazoo Gazette Guest Writer
Several years ago, an adventurous pair decided to take their ropes and rappel off the Boone Scenic Valley Railroad train bridge over the Des Moines river. Words can't describe how breathtakingly high this narrow train bridge is over the river valley. The open train ride over the abyss is both stunningly beautiful and somewhat nerve-wracking.
Our adventurers had to be completely fearless, because they walked to the middle of this narrow railroad bridge, tied off their ropes, and began to rappel down. When the train came by on it's daily tour of the valley, their one mistake became apparent. They had tied the ropes to the sturdiest support possible: the steel train tracks...
(Can you Confirm?) -->
Romance Novel - 2010 Edition...
High-tech consumer gadgets and applications, somewhat irreverent (not "irrelevant") and perhaps slightly sacriligeous - but pretty funny all the same, and not offensive, in my view - "The Digital Story of the Nativity". It's 2 mins. 58 secs. long - it moves pretty quickly with some fast editing and cuts - and pay attention to the details for the full effect.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GkHNNPM7pJA&feature=youtu.be
Interesting, if you look closely you'll see that Nazareth, PA and Bethlehem PA each show up briefly at a certain point - they're both within 10 - 15 miles of here - and I can literally see Egypt, PA out the window to my left.
A joyous and merry Christmas to all !
- Paul North.
zardoz Several years ago, an adventurous pair decided to take their ropes and rappel off the Boone Scenic Valley Railroad train bridge over the Des Moines river. Words can't describe how breathtakingly high this narrow train bridge is over the river valley. The open train ride over the abyss is both stunningly beautiful and somewhat nerve-wracking. Our adventurers had to be completely fearless, because they walked to the middle of this narrow railroad bridge, tied off their ropes, and began to rappel down. When the train came by on it's daily tour of the valley, their one mistake became apparent. They had tied the ropes to the sturdiest support possible: the steel train tracks... (Can you Confirm?) -->
It was the Kate Shelley High Bridge, not the B&SV high bridge.
Jeff
A trucker came into a truck-stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand-new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards! What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh... OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment, then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"She replied...
"I thought while you were waiting for the tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
It was a tough year, but I made it !!!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am...... The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?" CEO's are now playing miniature golf. If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them . Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM. McDonald's is selling the 1 /4 'ouncer'. Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico . Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting. Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore. The Mafia is laying off judges. BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen. Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $ 1 .5 Trillion disappear! And, finally... I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, our shrinking 401k Plans and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Life line and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
http://www.trainboard.com/railimages/showgallery.php/cat/500/ppuser/4309
- PDN.
JACK'S TELEPHONE NUMBER...
Blonde Caller: "I need to talk with Jack. Can you give me his telephone number?"Operator: "I'm sorry, who are you talking about."Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning."So what's his number?"
Nance-CCABW/LEI
“Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” --Will Rogers
Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right! --unknown
You can just imagine the rest of the conversation:
"I don't care how incarcerated he is, he's still in jail...."
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Police Officer: Good morning, may I see your driver's license and registration please.
Police Officer: Your license says you must wear corrective lenses. Where are your glasses?
Motorist: I have contacts.
Police Officer: I don't care who you know, you still have to wear your glasses.
Dave
Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow
This was in our Courier-Journal newspaper last Sunday, 2/27/11. I have never seen a wedding announcement like this one:
"Miss Erin Ballard of Crestwood, Kentucky was startled and surprised to announce the marriage of her grandfather, Joe Ballard of Audubon Park to Ms. Toddy Worley of Great Falls, Montana after a short engagement of 27 years. They were married on February 16, 2011 in the Chanbers of Judge Sean Delahanty. Joe's personal attorney, Mr. James Vonsick Esq. and a slightly inebriated jail trustee were witnesses.
Toddy and Joe had planned a three month honeymoon in the South of France, but oped instead to spend this time in the Bird Sanctuary of Audubon Park.
No reception is planned, but cards of sympathy will be accepted."
I have to confess that I only heard one side of this conversation today. This was a Metra conductor, some distance down the aisle from where I was seated:
"I'd have to get permission from Commuter Control, Ma'am. State and Madison isn't normally one of our stops."
CShaveRR I have to confess that I only heard one side of this conversation today. This was a Metra conductor, some distance down the aisle from where I was seated: "I'd have to get permission from Commuter Control, Ma'am. State and Madison isn't normally one of our stops."
I wish I knew what she was thinking--but he delivered that response perfectly deadpan!
Might have been a little more exciting than Silver Streak, what with the river to cross and all...
Did you ever notice that, although the end of the Silver Streak's run was in the Toronto station (so we're told), the shots leading into the trainshed and up to the bumper were the old C&NW station?
Isn't that more of a Red Line issue?
CShaveRR Did you ever notice that, although the end of the Silver Streak's run was in the Toronto station (so we're told), the shots leading into the trainshed and up to the bumper were the old C&NW station?
Our Pastor Emeritus sent this to me, and I thought you maight appreciate it (yes, his wife is a blonde; her hair is quite white--and so is his).
Two Blondes With Hammers...Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter workon a Habitat for Humanity House.Lynn was nailing down house siding,would reach into her nail ,Pouch, pull out a nail & either toss itover her shoulder or nail it in.Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you Throwing those nails away?'Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch,about half of Them have the head on the wrong end& I throw them away.'Judy got completely upset & yelled,'You moron! Those nails aren't Defective!They're for the other side of the house!'+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++Did you hear about the two blondeswho froze to death in a drive-in movie?They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
Several years ago, a drive-in near us had a popular long-playing feature: In-car Heaters; it played all winter long)+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++You might have to think twice about this one.A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tipOf her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergencyRoom doctor asked her.'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shootingOff your finger?''No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.''So then?' asked the doctor.'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.''So then?''Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make aLoud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled theTrigger.++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really badHailstorm.. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took itTo a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so heDecided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into theTail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & startedBlowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened.. So she blew a littleHarder, & still nothing happened.Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The firstBlonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into theTail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!You need to roll up the windows first.'+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++These are just too cute not to pass on!!!!A blonde was shopping at Target &came across a shiny silver Thermos.She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & tookIt to the clerk to ask what it was.The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.''Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!'So she Bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.Her boss saw it on her desk.'What's that,' he asked?'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot & cold thingsCold,' she replied..Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'The blond replied......'Two popsicles &some coffee.'+++++++++++++AND LAST BUT NOT LEASTA blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'The blonde replies,'Early this morning I got a phone call saying thatMy mother had passed away.'The boss, feeling sorry for her, says,'Why don't you go home for theDay? Take the day off to relax & rest.''Thanks, but I'd be better off here.I need to keep my mind off it &I have the best chance of doing that here.'The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.'No!' exclaims the blonde.'I just received a horrible call from mysister. Her mother died, too!'Blondes Are The Best!!!
Johnny
Let's hear it for us Emeritus guys!
Johnny, I have two very intelligent daughters, both of whom are blondes (or were--their hair has since darkened somewhat). One of them is a terrific mother to my grandchildren (and one of those may stay blonde, but will not be the stereotypical blonde). One of our kids could act the part of the dizzy blonde (and I'm not sure that it was always an act!).
The joke that we applied to that daughter was:
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one--she holds the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around her.
(Just noticed--my spell-check doesn't like "blonde"! That, however, is the correct female form of "blond".)
A blonde gets on an airplane and it's her first time flying. She, of course, has no idea where she is supposed to sit. As she starts to walk past first class, she hears a flight attendant ask another passenger what they would like for a snack and a drink. Well, the blonde decides this is the place for her!
She plops herself right down in a seat and gets comfy. When the ticketed passenger arrives at his seat, he politely tells her he thinks she's in the wrong seat, but to no avail. Now this is holding up the entire plane from loading. So the man goes and gets a flight crew member. She comes back and requests the blonde's ticket, at which time the blonde informs her she knows she's in the wrong seat but that she is special and she deserves special treatment, too!
At this point, with almost the entire plane still waiting to board, the female crew member goes up and asks the captain to come back and deal with the blonde. He walks back to her, introduces himself, and promptly bends down to whisper something in her ear. She immediately lets out a small exclamation, jumps up, dashes down the aisle, and plunks herself in the last row of the plane. Puzzled, the crew member asks what the captain could have possibly said to her?! "Simple," he replied, "I told her first class doesn't go to Miami!"
Not long after car manufacturers began replacing the floor headlight dimmer switch with a switch mounted on the steering column, the number of wrecks caused by blonde drivers increased drastically--they had a lot of trouble using their feet to dim their headlights.
A personal note--I, too, am now blonde, as my brown hair and red beard turned white. Four and a half years ago, after chemotherapy, some of the color began coming back, but you have to look carefully to see it; I don't think it is worth another course or two of chemotherapy to get the color back.
Not to mention all the blondes who've been fired for ruining their work computers by plastering white-out all over their screens!
Well, so much for the program that prevents duplicate posts--or does it allow itself to duplicate and triplicate?
Johnny, anything as good as some of your jokes is worth repeating!
As for silver-blonds, I resemble that remark a little...and have been married to a silver-blonde for quite a while.
The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.
"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner angrily.
"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.
Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come back!"
Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has that lazy bum been working here anyway?"
"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just here to deliver a pizza!"
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The attorney stated "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice "What would you like it to be?"
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