The new and (not very) improved humor thread

[Murphy Siding]

     From the real world:

     My son works for the call center in a hospital.  He takes after hours calls from people wishing to have a call back from the doctor on call.

Caller: I'm pregnant, and very nauseous.   I think I'm going to .....

(Loud wretching sounds).......

(A really small voice):  Honey?.......I think I got some on the dog.

[CShaveRR]

I have one from the real world, too--something we saw on vacation earlier this month.

First, one of those electronic billboards with changing messages: One message was a prominent quote from Scripture: "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved." (similar sentiments, if that wasn't the correct verse).

The following billboard was from a wireless company:

"Search for something better!"

[Kootenay Central]

.

 

[Deggesty]

Very nice, Kootenay Central! Apparently this young man was willing to learn from the crews who had been working for the railroad since before he was born.

Johnny

[tree68]

Here's an Eighth Grade Final Exam from Salina, KS from 1895.  Let's see how well you can do. 

(For some background on the source, visit the linked page)

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, Kansas - 1895

This is the eighth-grade final exam* from 1895 from Salina, Kansas. It was taken
from the original document on file at the Smoky Valley Genealogical Society
and Library in Salina, Kansas and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of Capital Letters.
2. Name the Parts of Speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define Verse, Stanza and Paragraph.
4. What are the Principal Parts of a verb? Give Principal Parts of do, lie, lay and run.
5. Define Case, Illustrate each Case.
6. What is Punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of Punctuation.
7-10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts. per bu, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $.20 per inch?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance around which is 640 rods?
10.Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt.

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, and 1865?

Orthography (Time, one hour)
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic orthography, etymology, syllabication?
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals?
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u'.
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e'. Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: Bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, super.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: Card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences, Cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10.Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of N.A.
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fermandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10.Describe the movements of the earth. Give inclination of the earth.

[tree68]

And a quick true story:

We have a couple of "slow order" bridges on our regular route - more so the passengers can enjoy the view than anything else, but I digress.

Usually practice is to let the engineer know that the last car is clear of the bridge, even though most know exactly where that is.

My student conductor was busy reviewing the timetable in his quest to better know the territory as we approached the largest trestle, and I was discussing that with him.  Noting where we were, I rose and started to the rear of the train, informing him that I was going back to "call the bridge." 

Apparently he misunderstood me, or maybe some of his youthful enthusiasm (of which he sometimes has too much) kicked in, for he immediately keyed his radio and announced that we were "clear of the bridge." 

The engineer, clearly knowing that we weren't even there yet, came back with "what bridge?"

I did go to where I could see to make the call, and made the call at the appropriate time - "Now we're clear of the bridge..."

The student conductor will be a long time living that one down.

[CShaveRR]

I'll tell one on myself, then, Larry:

My first eastbound trip on the Galena Division (now the Geneva Sub) was on Train 142, which we caught at Clinton and brought back to Proviso. It was still daytime when we departed, but quickly became dark. I remember seeing the glow from both the furnaces and the steam locomotives at Northwestern Steel & Wire in Sterling.

Anyway, I was still kind of gung-ho, and more than willing to do my job in the cab--basically calling the signals. Trouble is, I had no knowledge of where I was or what I was looking at. That, and being a little drowsy... I caught myself waking up and seeing what I thought was a bluish-green light. "Clear!", I called out.

"Uh...I think that's a street light!"

"Oh. Well, the street looks clear, too."

He enjoyed that.

[bubbajustin]

CShaveRR

I'll tell one on myself, then, Larry:

 

My first eastbound trip on the Galena Division (now the Geneva Sub) was on Train 142, which we caught at Clinton and brought back to Proviso. It was still daytime when we departed, but quickly became dark. I remember seeing the glow from both the furnaces and the steam locomotives at Northwestern Steel & Wire in Sterling.

 

Anyway, I was still kind of gung-ho, and more than willing to do my job in the cab--basically calling the signals. Trouble is, I had no knowledge of where I was or what I was looking at. That, and being a little drowsy... I caught myself waking up and seeing what I thought was a bluish-green light. "Clear!", I called out.

 

"Uh...I think that's a street light!"

 

"Oh. Well, the street looks clear, too."

 

He enjoyed that.

Ha Ha Ha! A little sleepy eh'  hay Carl?

[Deggesty]

CShaveRR

I'll tell one on myself, then, Larry:

 

My first eastbound trip on the Galena Division (now the Geneva Sub) was on Train 142, which we caught at Clinton and brought back to Proviso. It was still daytime when we departed, but quickly became dark. I remember seeing the glow from both the furnaces and the steam locomotives at Northwestern Steel & Wire in Sterling.

 

Anyway, I was still kind of gung-ho, and more than willing to do my job in the cab--basically calling the signals. Trouble is, I had no knowledge of where I was or what I was looking at. That, and being a little drowsy... I caught myself waking up and seeing what I thought was a bluish-green light. "Clear!", I called out.

 

"Uh...I think that's a street light!"

 

"Oh. Well, the street looks clear, too."

 

He enjoyed that.

And, there was the time that I realized that I was about to blow for a milepost and not a public crossing. I was riding the engine of the City of New Orleans from Memphis to Grenada, and I had asked the engineer if I could blow for the crossings. All went well until it became too dark for me to tell the difference between the whistleposts and the mileposts (the IC used the same shape sign for both). We went through some towns that had crossings so close together that it was impossible to get a proper signal off for each one, so I would use the last blast for one as th efirst blast for the next. The engineer did not complain. We stopped in Batesville, and when the conductor gave the signal to release the brakes, he did not make it a clear two shorts, but one long. The engineer then told me to give the conductor two shorts.

Johnny

 

[bubbajustin]

Jonny, was that an IC E unit that you were on? Those were the old draw string horns weren't thay?

[Deggesty]

tree68

My student conductor was busy reviewing the timetable in his quest to better know the territory as we approached the largest trestle, and I was discussing that with him.  Noting where we were, I rose and started to the rear of the train, informing him that I was going back to "call the bridge." 

Apparently he misunderstood me, or maybe some of his youthful enthusiasm (of which he sometimes has too much) kicked in, for he immediately keyed his radio and announced that we were "clear of the bridge." 

The engineer, clearly knowing that we weren't even there yet, came back with "what bridge?"

I did go to where I could see to make the call, and made the call at the appropriate time - "Now we're clear of the bridge..."

The student conductor will be a long time living that one down.

This reminds me of the student brakeman who, on his third trip, was wearing a cap that was too large for his head. After it had fallen off three or four times, he stuffed it into his hip pocket. The particular job he was working that day went out, turned, and came back home. It was the engineer's prerogative to determine if he would head in at the outer end and then turn, or turn and back in, and he had his own signals to tell the rear end crew what he would do (this, of course, was before road crews even knew what a radio was). On this particular day, as they approached the wye, he leaned out the cab window and patted his head. The student, thinking that the engineer was asking about his cap, leaned out and patted his hip pocket. The engineer's response was, "The third day he's on the job and he's already telling me how to run this train!"

Johnny

[Deggesty]

bubbajustin

Jonny, was that an IC E unit that you were on? Those were the old draw string horns weren't thay?

Yes, Justin. It was either an E8 or an E9; that was the power that the IC used on its mainline trains forty or so years ago (a GP was used on the Meridian-Shreveport train). I was sitting in a chair that had been set in the middle for me. The division superintendent had planned to ride the engine while I was on it, but something came up, and a lesser division official took his place, and sat in the fireman's seat. the fireman went back and sat in the second unit.

Carl, The trip was quite a blast.

Johnny

[spokyone]

Celebrity dies from Swine Flu.

I think I know who the carrier is.

[trainfan1221]

Whoa! Poor Kermie.  Personally I think she just decked him....

[CShaveRR]

When I listen to a different genre of music than I'm used to, it makes me remember strange old jokes.

The explorer landed on the shore of a heretofore-undiscovered settlement in darkest Africa. In the background, drums were beating. The drumbeats continued on into the evening, and well after dark. Through an interpreter, he asked what the drums signified.

"As long as drums beat, everything is OK," was the reply.

That night, he barely got any sleep because of the persistent drumming. When he mentioned that the following morning, the only reply he got was, "Everything OK."

As the days passed, the explorer became accustomed to the drums. He could sleep, and became reassured that everything was, indeed, OK, as long as the drums kept beating. Eventually, it became time for him to return to civilization. His belongings were loaded into the boat for the trip back downstream. And, as he set foot on the boat, he suddenly became aware of the silence. The drumming had stopped!

Alarmed, he sought out the chief of the tribe, and asked about the significance of the sudden, and uncomfortable, silence.

"Oh, no!" said the chief.

"Bass solo!"

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Speaking of Kermit the Frog, Kermit went to his local bank to see if he could get a loan. He ended up talking to the bank's chief loan officer, a certain Mr. Paddywhack. When Kermit was asked what he had in the way of collateral that could be used to secure his loan, he responded by telling Mr. Paddywhack, "All I've got for collateral is this little statuette of Miss Piggy." 

Paddywhack's response to Kermit was, "I'm sorry Kermit, but you're going to have to have a lot more than that before I can grant you a loan." Kermit got mad and he went and talked to the bank's President and told him what Paddywhack said to him. And he showed the bank's President his little statuette of Miss Piggy.

The bank's President summoned Mr. Paddywhack into his office and he said to him, "Well, for crying out loud!, It's a nick-nack, Paddywhack, Give the Frog a loan!!"

You would have to be at least my age to get that one......

[zardoz]

CShaveRR

"Oh no!" said the cheif."Bass solo!"

Is that any relation to Han Solo?

[mudchicken]

zardoz

CShaveRR

"Oh no!" said the cheif.

"Bass solo!"

Is that any relation to Han Solo?

or Napoleon Solo?

[Limitedclear]

On a recent hirail trip to inspect a few bridges we actually cut a snake (moccasin) in half as he sunned it self on the rail. Unfortunately, the remainder of the law firm escaped... 

LC

[zardoz]

Father Norton woke up one beautiful Sunday morning and decided that it was a perfect day for golf, so he told the Pastor he was sick and asked him to say mass for him. The Pastor agreed and just as mass was beginning, Father Norton snuck off to the golf course, where he had the whole course to himself because all of his parishioners were in church.

While this was happening, St. Peter and God were looking down from heaven. St. Peter said, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you? Playing golf while everyone else is in church?" God said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit his first tee shot. It was an incredible drive that landed right on the green, took 2 bounces and 'plunk' - landed right in the hole. A 420 yard hole-in-one!

St. Peter was astonished. He turned to God and said, "Why did you let him do that?" God smiled and said, "Who's he gonna tell?!"

[zardoz]

Limitedclear

On a recent hirail trip to inspect a few bridges we actually cut a snake (moccasin) in half as he sunned it self on the rail. Unfortunately, the remainder of the law firm escaped... 

LC

A man comes into a bar with a pet alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers? The bartender quickly answers "Of course Sir, we serve everyone". The man then responds "Fine, then I'll have a draft, and how about a lawyer for the gator".

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

zardoz

Limitedclear

On a recent hirail trip to inspect a few bridges we actually cut a snake (moccasin) in half as he sunned it self on the rail. Unfortunately, the remainder of the law firm escaped... 

LC

A man comes into a bar with a pet alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers? The bartender quickly answers "Of course Sir, we serve everyone". The man then responds "Fine, then I'll have a draft, and how about a lawyer for the gator".

I have personally known a number of attorneys during my lifetime, one of them is a cousin of mine who practices law in Denver, Colorado, and two here in South Dakota who have known me since I was a little kid. These guys are responsible for having fostered my interest in trains. I think it is a rotten shame that the legal profession has been given such a black eye by only a few lawers here and there. And as I once remarked to an aunt and uncle of mine, "There are some bad apples in every profession."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Jose & Carlos

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of town.

Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day.

Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day, he drives a mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?"

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads, "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support."

"What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

"No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day."

Carlos says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

 

It reads "I only need ten dollars to get back to Mexico."

 

[Paul_D_North_Jr]

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

zardoz

Limitedclear

On a recent hirail trip to inspect a few bridges we actually cut a snake (moccasin) in half as he sunned it self on the rail. Unfortunately, the remainder of the law firm escaped... 

LC

A man comes into a bar with a pet alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers? The bartender quickly answers "Of course Sir, we serve everyone". The man then responds "Fine, then I'll have a draft, and how about a lawyer for the gator".

I have personally known a number of attorneys during my lifetime, one of them is a cousin of mine who practices law in Denver, Colorado, and two here in South Dakota who have known me since I was a little kid. These guys are responsible for having fostered my interest in trains. I think it is a rotten shame that the legal profession has been given such a black eye by only a few lawers here and there. And as I once remarked to an aunt and uncle of mine, "There are some bad apples in every profession."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816 

Which brings to mind the oft-heard remark that 95 % of the lawyers give the others a bad name . . .   

My father used to say that among the law school graduates:

The "A" students became the next generation of professors;

The "B" students became the judges; and,

The "C" students made all the money !

- Paul North. (who as an engineer represents none of the above)

[CShaveRR]

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

I have personally known a number of attorneys during my lifetime, one of them is a cousin of mine who practices law in Denver, Colorado, and two here in South Dakota who have known me since I was a little kid. These guys are responsible for having fostered my interest in trains. I think it is a rotten shame that the legal profession has been given such a black eye by only a few lawers here and there. And as I once remarked to an aunt and uncle of mine, "There are some bad apples in every profession."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

It's a joke, Son! This is a humor thread!

Most of us are acquainted with, or related to, attorneys--and if we say things like that to their faces, they'll laugh right along with us.

It's no different from the jokes about doctors on golf courses, policemen holed up in donut shops, or plumbers being the butt of all of those wisecracks.

And railroaders are probably the worst of all at insulting their fellow workers. Some of the engineer-vs.-conductor battles are legendary. The best one I ever saw was a skate-man's drawing aimed at car retarder operators--showing a skate man desperately chasing a wildly-rolling freight car, while in the background is a CRO tower, open window, beer cans and banana peels outside, and ZZZs emanating from the window. Did I, a CRO, resemble the remark? Of course not! Was I offended? Again, of course not! Had a good laugh over it--and would have been proud to make the acquaintance of the artist.

Decades ago, a local folksinger performed a hilarious song lampooning the Chicago Police Department (that would have been a capital offense, from what I heard!), subtitled, "I think it's a big shame that it takes an entire police force to ruin the reputation of one honest cop."

I'm an old Chicago copper...I patrol the Outer Drive.

I haven't made a single pinch since 1935.

To the speeder I am courteous; I praise him for his skill,

And I always have the proper change for a twenty-dollar bill!

[vsmith]

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Hey Carl,

It wasn't my intent to put down people who tell jokes involving lawyers. And my cousin who is a judge in Denver has a WONDERFUL sense of humor!

Ray

[vsmith]

CShaveRR

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

I have personally known a number of attorneys during my lifetime, one of them is a cousin of mine who practices law in Denver, Colorado, and two here in South Dakota who have known me since I was a little kid. These guys are responsible for having fostered my interest in trains. I think it is a rotten shame that the legal profession has been given such a black eye by only a few lawers here and there. And as I once remarked to an aunt and uncle of mine, "There are some bad apples in every profession."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

It's a joke, Son! This is a humor thread!

 

Most of us are acquainted with, or related to, attorneys--and if we say things like that to their faces, they'll laugh right along with us.

 

It's no different from the jokes about doctors on golf courses, policemen holed up in donut shops, or the many wisecracks that plumbers get.

 

And railroaders are probably the worst of all at insulting their fellow workers. Some of the engineer-vs.-conductor battles are legendary. The best one I ever saw was a skate-man's drawing aimed at car retarder operators--showing a skate man desperately chasing a wildly-rolling freight car, while in the background is a CRO tower, open window, beer cans and banana peels outside, and ZZZs emanating from the window. Did I, a CRO, resemble the remark? Of course not! Was I offended? Again, of course not! Had a good laugh over it--and would have been proud to make the acquaintance of the artist.

 

Decades ago, a local folksinger performed a hilarious song lampooning the Chicago Police Department (that would have been a capital offense, from what I heard!), subtitled, "I think it's a big shame that it takes an entire police force to ruin the reputation of one honest cop."

 

I'm an old Chicago copper...I patrol the Outer Drive.

 

I haven't made a single pinch since 1935.

 

To the speeder I am courteous; I praise him for his skill,

 

And I always have the proper change for a twenty-dollar bill!

 

Errrr....most lawyer jokes I get come from other lawyers 

[dmoore74]

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Your Honor

[miniwyo]

Here are a few I got in my email recently....

 

One day this lawyer was driving his convertible and he rolled through a stop sign. A police officer saw this and stopped him for this. He told the lawyer that he had stopped him for running the stop sign. the lawyer replied "I slowed down for the sign" The officer ordered him out of the car and proceeded to beat the crap out of this lawyer. While the beating ensued, the officer asked "Would you like me to stop or slow down?"

 

 

What did Daniel Boone say to Davey Crockett as the Mexicans were charging the Alamo?

I didn't know we were pouring concrete today!

 

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks,

interviews and testing were done, there were
3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you
will find your wife sitting in a chair.

Kill her!!' The man said, 'You can't be serious.
I could never shoot my wife.' The agent
said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came
out with tears in his eyes,

'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said,
'You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given
the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another.

They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. After a few minutes,
all was quiet. The door opened slowly and
there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them.

 

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter's legs and slammed his stupid *** against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.