I'm not allowed to run the trainThe whistle I can't blow…I'm not allowed to say how farThe railroad cars can go.I'm not allowed to shoot off steam,Nor even clang the bell…But let the *** train jump the trackAnd see who catches Hell!
I'm going to catch hell for this...
Why are there no Baby Amtraks?
Because they pullout of the station on time...
Alex
marknewton wrote:I don't get it either. What's a "G--D-----" when it's at home?Cheers,Mark.
That much is a censored phrase.
-Morgan
Another pretty old one that still, somehow, feels like it could have been from today ....
TRAVELER: "What's the use of you having a time table if your rotten trains never stick to it?!"
PORTER: " Well, sir... how would you even KNOW they was runnin' late if NOT for the timetable?"
Last one from me - I think :-)
Stein
Ok you asked for it,
About the 'Ghan train, a somewhat famous train running to Alice Springs, and before it was rebuilt recently of having quite a reputation for slow service due to very bad track - 20mph max for 800 miles!
Worried and very pregnant woman catches the attention of the conductor on the 'Ghan one fine day:
"Mr conductor, I am very worried that if we do not get to Alice Springs on time, I just might be into labor right here on the train."
"Madam, you should have thought about that when you boarded, being that you are in this condition."
"But sir, when I boarded this train, I wasn't in this condition!"
Why can't the engineer be electrocuted?
Because he's not a conductor!
There was the time that the president of the Maryland and Pennsylvania (short-line) Railroad demanded to get a free pass to ride the Pennsylvania Railroad. In exchange, he said, he'd give the president of the Pennsy a pass over the Ma & Pa.
"What good is that?" asked the PRR's president. "Your railroad is a hundred times shorter than ours!"
"Ah," said the president of the Ma & Pa, "but it's just as wide!"
In the early 20th century, there were many coal mines in the Canadian Rockies, including some in what is now Banff National Park.
On Saturday nights, many miners would ride into Banff and have a cup of tea or glass of lemonade, or just possibly, something stronger.
One Saturday, an inebriated miner missed the last train home. He wandered across to the yard, found an engine in steam, backed it out onto the main line, and drove it to his mine, stopped it, went to the bunk-house, and fell asleep.
He was charged with "theft of a locomotive" by the Canadian Pacific Rly., but he couldn't remember a thing about it.
The trial went like this:
Defense counsel: Was the engine on CPR property before my client moved it?
CPR: Yes.
Def: Was it on CPR tracks when he left it?
Def: Did it at any time leave CPR tracks?
CPR: No.
Def: Then where is the theft?
Magistrate: Case dismissed.
I once heard a story about a railroad crew that befriended a monkey named Bobo. The railroaders would play with Bobo and feed him and really treat him nice. In fact, they taught the monkey to give hand signals and run the engine and to even read a switch list and switch out the cars. Soon Bobo got to be so good at it that the guys would let the monkey do their work while they went fishing. One day the Trainmaster caught the guys fishing while Bobo was doing the work. All of the railroaders got fired on the spot. A couple of months later the railroaders got a letter from the company. It was a great flowery piece and reinstated all of the railroaders to their former positions with all back pay. It was signed by Trainmaster Bobo.
At a station stop, the railroad's president walked up to the locomotive and spoke to the engineer. "You were going 65 mph and the speed limit is only 60 mph, I saw it myself on the speedometer in the business car!" After a heated exchange, the engineer finally said "you couldn't possibly have been going 65, my speedometer said 60 mph and we never saw you go by us!"
(one for the Urban Legend Department)NASA DEVICE TESTS HIGH SPEED TRAIN SAFETY:
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab.
Horrified Brittons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken".
Have fun with your trains
The joke is that Texas is such a big state that it takes a few days to travel thru it....Have you not heard the words of wit?: the sun has risen, the sun has set, and here we are in Texas yet....gee...i'm a poet and don't even know it!....chuck
Dr. Frankendiesel aka Scott Running BearSpace Mouse for president!15 year veteran fire fighterCollector of Apple //e'sRunning Bear EnterprisesHistory Channel Club life member.beatus homo qui invenit sapientiam
vsmith wrote: (one for the Urban Legend Department)NASA DEVICE TESTS HIGH SPEED TRAIN SAFETY: Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrrangements were made. But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cab. Horrified Brittons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA's response was just three words, "Thaw the chicken".
Don't know about the actual situation but Mythbusters did one like this
I first heart the "chicken gun" story in the 70s, it was the U.S. Air Force that built the gun to test the canopies of jet fighters, and a team of not-too-bright technicians who didn't thaw the chicken.
I don't know if I've shared my signs of model railroad addiction on this board before, but in any case, here is the link...
How to To Tell If You're a Model Train Addict
And the thread where people added some of their own in the About.com forum is here.
Best!
I like the 'chicken' one,but it could'nt have happened on a UK HST-if shot from the front,an unthawed chicken would have finished up in the Diner,4 cars back,most of the front was Fibre-glass
Steve
jeffrey-wimberly wrote:I've heard that one, but with two dumb blondes.
Are there any other kind of Blondes?
OOPS. I better not let my D.I.L. read that one. She's blonde and she was smart enough to catch my wirst born.
Irv
cwclark wrote: marknewton wrote:I don't get it either. What's a "G--D-----" when it's at home?Cheers,Mark.The joke is that Texas is such a big state that it takes a few days to travel thru it....Have you not heard the words of wit?: the sun has risen, the sun has set, and here we are in Texas yet....gee...i'm a poet and don't even know it!....chuck
Israel is a small country as countries go but you reminded of this story.
A Texan goes to visit a Kibbutz (cooperative farm) in Israel to see how they do things there. While taking to his guide he says the following:
Ya know I've got so much land back in Texas that I can get into my car and ride in it all day and still not come to the end of my land.
The Israeli answers:
"I once had a car like that!"
New Yorker: Where does this train track go, farmer?
Vermonter: Don't go nowhere. It's been in the same place since I was born.
It takes an iron man to play with a toy iron horse.
The difference between a fairie tale and a railroad story:
A fairie tale begins "Once upon a time"; A railroad story begins "This aint no s**t"
I've driven across Texas. I definitely got THAT joke!
4 hours of eastbound train travel from New Orleans would probably put you in Florida.
Kind of reminds me of the problem I give my Algebra students: a train leaves NYC heading west at 50 mph and an hour later a train leaves Chicago heading east on a parallel track at 40 mph. If it's 800 miles between NYC and Chicago, how far apart are the trains when they meet?
Don't work too hard on this one, remember the subject of this post.
Two fellows who stayed way-too-long at a New York City bar try to make their way home. As they stagger down the sidewalk, one accidentally goes down a subway entrance and emerges several blocks away, rejoining his friend.
"Hey, where 'ya been?" says his friend.
"Man!" said the other, "I've just been stumbling around in some guy's basement, and you should see his train set!!!"
Jim
Q: Why are some flatcars depressed?
A: Because they have a low opinion of themselves.
Dave
Just be glad you don't have to press "2" for English.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ_ALEdDUB8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hqFS1GZL4s
http://s73.photobucket.com/user/steemtrayn/media/MovingcoalontheDCM.mp4.html?sort=3&o=27
Lattayards wrote:4 hours of eastbound train travel from New Orleans would probably put you in Florida.Kind of reminds me of the problem I give my Algebra students: a train leaves NYC heading west at 50 mph and an hour later a train leaves Chicago heading east on a parallel track at 40 mph. If it's 800 miles between NYC and Chicago, how far apart are the trains when they meet?Don't work too hard on this one, remember the subject of this post.
Just a few feet!!
loathar wrote: cwclark wrote: marknewton wrote:I don't get it either. What's a "G--D-----" when it's at home?Cheers,Mark.The joke is that Texas is such a big state that it takes a few days to travel thru it....Have you not heard the words of wit?: the sun has risen, the sun has set, and here we are in Texas yet....gee...i'm a poet and don't even know it!....chuckI've driven across Texas. I definitely got THAT joke!
Flashwave wrote: marknewton wrote:I don't get it either. What's a "G--D-----" when it's at home?Cheers,Mark.That much is a censored phrase.
cwclark wrote: marknewton wrote:I don't get it either. What's a "G--D-----" when it's at home?Cheers,Mark.The joke is that Texas is such a big state that it takes a few days to travel thru it...
The joke is that Texas is such a big state that it takes a few days to travel thru it...
Here're a few cartoons.
Enjoy it!
Wolfgang
Pueblo & Salt Lake RR
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