rail jokes

[lvanhen]

Two Indians and a Tennessee Hillbilly were walking through the
woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the
mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He
then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was
all about. 'Was that Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when
Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the
opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful
woman in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up
to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from
deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and
then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the
size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the
size of this cave! It's bigger than those the Indians found. There
must be some really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in
front of the opening and hollered with all his might, 'Wooooo!
Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO,
WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his
face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read....

(Get ready, this will kill ya),

NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY A TRAIN.

[Been Nothing Since Frisco (BNSF)]

I'm posting this so NSlover92 can find this post.

[gunkhead]

Q. Did you hear about the blood test for SPFs (slobbering Pennsy Fans)?

A. Draw the blood; if it's tuscan red you've got a SPF.

Q. Did you hear about the blood test for Vulcan SPFs?

A. Draw the blood; if it's brunswick green you've got a Vulcan SPF.

RFLMFAO! 

[espeefoamer]

the last time I got my blood drawn it was half Tuscan red and half Brunswick green! Does that mean I'm half Human,half Vulcan?

(signed)Mr.Spock.

[Varney]

With apologies to Flip Wilson:

A woman gets on the train carrying a very ugly baby.  She sits down across the aisle from a guy who's had enough to drink that he has reached a stage where he is willing to speak his mind.  He looks at the baby and says, "Man, that's an ugly baby."  The woman is naturally irritated.  She pulls the emergency cord and shortly the conductor comes in.  "What's going on here?!" he demands.  "This man just insulted me!" the woman exclaims. 

"Madam, I'm very sorry.  I want you to know that the railroad values your business and I will do my best to make amends for this man's behavior.  If you will accompany me to the dining car, I'll see that you get a free meal.  And maybe we can find a banana for your monkey."

[corsair7]

A man is standing on the platform of one of the stations in Long Island, New York waiting for his LIRR commuter train just he has done for the last 40 years when he collapses to floor. A priest, seeing this, immediately runs over to the man. Seeing that the man may be having a coronary, the priest prepares to give th man last rights. Before the priest starts he asks the man:

"My son, based on your life experience, do you think you are going to heaven or hell?"

The man looks at the priest and says:

"Father, I don't really care just so long as I don't have to change at Jamaica."

If you've never taken a Long Island Railroad train, you'll never get this one.

Irv 

[Been Nothing Since Frisco (BNSF)]

With apologies to Flip Wilson:

A woman gets on the train carrying a very ugly baby.  She sits down across the aisle from a guy who's had enough to drink that he has reached a stage where he is willing to speak his mind.  He looks at the baby and says, "Man, that's an ugly baby."  The woman is naturally irritated.  She pulls the emergency cord and shortly the conductor comes in.  "What's going on here?!" he demands.  "This man just insulted me!" the woman exclaims. 

"Madam, I'm very sorry.  I want you to know that the railroad values your business and I will do my best to make amends for this man's behavior.  If you will accompany me to the dining car, I'll see that you get a free meal.  And maybe we can find a banana for your monkey."

ROFL!!!!!!!!(rollign on the floor laughing)

[Dave Vollmer]

A man is standing on the platform of one of the stations in Long Island, New York waiting for his LIRR commuter train just he has done for the last 40 years when he collapses to floor. A priest, seeing this, immediately runs over to the man. Seeing that the man may be having a coronary, the priest prepares to give th man last rights. Before the priest starts he asks the man:

"My son, based on your life experience, do you think you are going to heaven or hell?"

The man looks at the priest and says:

"Father, I don't really care just so long as I don't have to change at Jamaica."

If you've never taken a Long Island Railroad train, you'll never get this one.

Irv 

Well done!  I grew up along the Port Jefferson branch of the LIRR; nothing like "changing at Jamaica" in a driving snow storm.

[R. T. POTEET]

two drunks got on a train, the train started going and the drunks thought that the clickity clack of the cars was the ticking sound of a pipe bom. the first guy said do you here that ticking the second guy said ya and all this time the drunks are talking a man overheres the conversation, so they decide to jump off the train so they open a window and the first guy jumps out sceaming pipe bom! the second guy jumps saying get out now and the guy that over hered yelled out the window saying ya drunks!!!!!!

Forget working on your spelling; work on your punch lines instead!

[Been Nothing Since Frisco (BNSF)]

Forget working on your spelling; work on your punch lines instead!

Ok, I'll keep that in mind, the funny thing is my grade has a lot of realy smart people, but we're just a bunch of goobers!