rail jokes

[Been Nothing Since Frisco (BNSF)]

if you have a railroad joke post it here!

[loathar]

TYCO! And Penn Central...

[jeffrey-wimberly]

A time freight rear-ended a local peddler freight one night, and the ensuing investigation centered on whether or not the crew of the first train had flagged the second train sufficiently.
"Now, then," said the superintendent to the peddler's rear brakeman, "were you flagging your train that night?"

"Yes, sir," he said.

"And were you at least a half-mile from your train?" asked the super.

"Yes, sir," said the brakie.

"And did you attempt to flag the express down?" asked the super.

"Yes, sir, and they went right on past me," the brakie said.

"And did you use a red lantern?" the super asked.

"Yes, sir," the man said. "Of course."

Well, the railroad couldn't decide who was at fault, so the investigation was closed.

"You did just what I asked you to," said the conductor of the local freight to the rear brakeman after the hearing. "You told the truth. But were you nervous at all?"

"You bet!" replied the brakeman. "I was hopin' that guy wouldn't ask me if the lantern was lit!"

[SteamFreak]

TYCO! And Penn Central...

...rolled into one.

[ndbprr]

Why couldn't the steam engine sit down?

 

 

Because it had a tender behind.

 

I know its bad!

[rio grande forever]

A lady was on a train bound to Grand Central Terminal. When the conductor passed her by, she stopped him to ask, "Conductor, does this train stop at Grand Central?"

The conductor, straight faced, replied, "Lady if it doesn't there's gonna be one hell of a wreck."

[tomikawaTT]

WHy do Thomas and Percy wobble from side to side when they roll down the tracks?

Because they're tank(ed).

 

And you thought YOURS was bad!

Chuck [modeling Central Japan in September, 1964 - with LOTS of (sober) tank locos)

[Dave Vollmer]

Precision Craft Models' N scale line.

[Been Nothing Since Frisco (BNSF)]

 the price of brodway limited locomotives, especaily the all brass.when i first saw the price then

[R. T. POTEET]

Precision Craft Models' N scale line.

Your cinicism is showing?

Did you successfully defend your dis? and, if so, are you in Omaha-ha-ha yet?

[Dave Vollmer]

Precision Craft Models' N scale line.

Your cinicism is showing?

Did you successfully defend your dis? and, if so, are you in Omaha-ha-ha yet?

Yep, done...

http://www.lib.ncsu.edu/theses/available/etd-06242008-170545/

Leaving for Omaha next week...!

[tatans]

Didja hear the one about the guy who bought a "Big Boy" then bought another one, and another one, and another one, and another one. . . . . . . . . .

[Heartland Division CB&Q]

Those who may have a spouse or at least a "significant other" may attest that railoaders couple up.

[Ibeamlicker]

So I place an order with Internettrains,wait thats not funny!

[jeffrey-wimberly]

A couple of announcements that were supposed to have been heard over the Public Address system in a British railway station:
"Will the passengers who took the 3:15 to Ipswich please bring it back? It's needed."

"The 4:00 to Brighton is now standing on Platform 9: but we hope, in the due course of time, to have it back on the tracks again."

"The train now arriving on tracks 3, 4, 5, and 6... is coming in sideways!"

--------------------------------------------

[About the 'Ghan train, a somewhat famous train running to Alice Springs, and having quite a reputation for slow service due to very bad track - 20mph max for 800 miles!] Worried and very pregnant woman catches the attention of the conductor on the 'Ghan one fine day:
"Mr conductor, I am very worried that if we do not get to Alice Springs on time, I just might be into labor right here on the train."

"Madam, you should have thought about that when you boarded, being that you are in this condition."

"But sir, when I boarded this train, I wasn't in this condition!"

[steinjr]

Another one from down under:

This bloke got on the Southern Aurora in Melbourne, planning to get off in Albury. When the conductor came around and checked his ticket, he was alarmed to learn that the train didn't stop at Albury! "But it is imperative that I get off at Albury", but passenger complained. "Couldn't you get the train to stop and let me off?", he pleaded. The conductor thought for a moment then suggested, "No, we are definitely not allowed to stop there, but I've got an idea. I'll ask the driver to slow down as much as possible, and I'll help you get off the train on the move. If you just jump off, you will land flat on your face and badly injure yourself, so I will hold you out the door and you start running. When your legs are running fast enough, I'll lower you onto the platform. Just make sure that you stop running before we get to the end of the platform!".

The passenger agreed to this, so as they entered the platform and the driver slowed down, the conductor held the bloke out the door as he said he would. The bloke started running furiously, but the train was about half way up the platform before the conductor lowered him. He managed to keep his balance as he raced towards the end of the platform, gradually slowing down. Just as the rear of the train passed him, a hand grabbed his collar and he was yanked back into the train! He turned around to see the guard with a big grin on his face saying to him, "Thought you missed it, didn't you?!"

 Smile,
 Stein

 

[MisterBeasley]

"Shhhh, don't let that locomotive hear you."

"Huh?  Locomotives can't hear."

"Sure they can.  They have engine ears."

[MisterBeasley]

3 scientists and 3 lawyers are lined up at the ticket booth.  The lawyers buy 1 ticket each, and the scientists buy 1 ticket between all 3 of them.  "What are you doing?" said the lawyers.  "Don't you each need a ticket?"

"Watch and learn," replied the scientists.  "Watch and learn."

As the conductor entered the car, the 3 scientists all went down to the other end, and all squeezed into the lavatory together.  The conductor knocked on the door, saying "Ticket, please," and they slipped out their 1 ticket to him through a slot in the door.

On the way back, the 3 lawyers winked at each other, and only bought 1 ticket.  But, they noticed that the 3 scientists didn't buy any at all.  "What now?" asked the lawyers.

"Watch and learn," repeated the scientists.  "Watch and learn."

On the car, the scientists went into one lavatory, and the lawyers into the other.  One of the scientists then left the lavatory, went to the other, knocked and said, "Ticket please."

 

[twhite]

A true story, according to railroad historian Lucius Beebe:

Not long after the "Sunset Limited" was inagurated in the early 1900's, a gentleman who had boarded in New Orleans asked the conductor where they were after about four hours of east-bound travel. 

"Just entering Texas, sir." 

The next morning, the gentleman again inquired of the conductor. 

"Just leaving San Antonio, Texas, sir." 

Late that night, before retiring, the gentleman again inquired of the conductor. 

"Still in Texas, sir," the Conductor nodded. 

The gentleman looked at the Conductor and said, "You, sir are a G--D----- LIAR!" 

Tom  

 

[WCfan]

Canadian Nantional...

Oh, Atmo, I have a quote just for you. There was a display with some tankers in a gorge, and this little kid asked me who put them there. My loud, clear, and overly stage-voice responce: "E. Hunter Harrison, Chief Executive Officer of CN rail!" Then I left.

[R. T. POTEET]

Precision Craft Models' N scale line.

Your cinicism is showing?

Did you successfully defend your dis? and, if so, are you in Omaha-ha-ha yet?

Yep, done...

http://www.lib.ncsu.edu/theses/available/etd-06242008-170545/

Leaving for Omaha next week...!

From someone who probably should have but never quite made it I extend my hardiest congrats to someone who did; now what is the prospect of a silver leaf in your future? We used to say that a light colonel was a major who polished all the gold off his leafs!

[R. T. POTEET]

Two guys are walking through the woods when they encounter a set of tracks.

"Looks like bear tracks," says the first.

"Does not," says the second. "Those are distintly deer tracks."

While they are hashing this issue over they get run over by a train!

[jeffrey-wimberly]

I've heard that one, but with two dumb blondes.

[wm3798]

So Kowalski and Bolewicz are out hunting in the woods when they come across a set of tracks...

"Them's is Bear tracks" declares Kowalski.

"You're off your rocker... them's is deer tracks" corrected Bolewicz.  They bickered back and forth for almost an hour.

 

Sadly, before they could resolve the question, they were hit by the train...

Shecky

[loathar]

So I place an order with Internettrains,wait thats not funny!

Now that there's funny!

[V&AL]

Dave, Glad your defence went well, have a safe trip out west.

[Flashwave]

A true story, according to railroad historian Lucius Beebe:

Not long after the "Sunset Limited" was inagurated in the early 1900's, a gentleman who had boarded in New Orleans asked the conductor where they were after about four hours of east-bound travel. 

"Just entering Texas, sir." 

The next morning, the gentleman again inquired of the conductor. 

"Just leaving San Antonio, Texas, sir." 

Late that night, before retiring, the gentleman again inquired of the conductor. 

"Still in Texas, sir," the Conductor nodded. 

The gentleman looked at the Conductor and said, "You, sir are a G--D----- LIAR!" 

Tom  

 

Tim: I'm missing the funny. Get the part of Texas being on the wrong side of an Eastbound...

[marknewton]

I don't get it either. What's a "G--D-----" when it's at home?

Cheers,

Mark.

[tgindy]

It was midnight, as two dumb blonds rounded Horseshoe Curve in the Pennsy's Broadway Limited observation car on top of the Allegehenies.

The natural blond asked her friend:  "I wonder which is closer?  The moon or Chicago?

The bleached blond replied:  "Duh!  Can you see Chicago from here?"

[Been Nothing Since Frisco (BNSF)]

this ones a blond joke,

there was a blond, bernet and a red head in the woods , they were starving but had a gun. the burnet said "I'm gona get my some food" so she comes back with a deer and the other two ask" were did ya get that?" the burnet said" I saw some tracks, followed the tracks, saw a deer, shot the deer, deer stop dead in its tracks. the red said" I'm gona get me some super, so she came back with an elk and the other two asked were did ya get that, she said" I saw some tracks, followd the tracks, saw an elk, shot the elk. so the bolnd said she was gona her soma food, with brken bones, scrapes and bruzez, so the other to asked were did ya get thoughs? she said," I saw some tracks, followed the tracks, saw a train, shot the train, train dont stop.