R. T. POTEET wrote:Forget working on your spelling; work on your punch lines instead!
Forget working on your spelling; work on your punch lines instead!
Ok, I'll keep that in mind, the funny thing is my grade has a lot of realy smart people, but we're just a bunch of goobers!
Been Nothing Since Frisco wrote:two drunks got on a train, the train started going and the drunks thought that the clickity clack of the cars was the ticking sound of a pipe bom. the first guy said do you here that ticking the second guy said ya and all this time the drunks are talking a man overheres the conversation, so they decide to jump off the train so they open a window and the first guy jumps out sceaming pipe bom! the second guy jumps saying get out now and the guy that over hered yelled out the window saying ya drunks!!!!!!
From the far, far reaches of the wild, wild west I am: rtpoteet
corsair7 wrote: A man is standing on the platform of one of the stations in Long Island, New York waiting for his LIRR commuter train just he has done for the last 40 years when he collapses to floor. A priest, seeing this, immediately runs over to the man. Seeing that the man may be having a coronary, the priest prepares to give th man last rights. Before the priest starts he asks the man:"My son, based on your life experience, do you think you are going to heaven or hell?"The man looks at the priest and says:"Father, I don't really care just so long as I don't have to change at Jamaica."If you've never taken a Long Island Railroad train, you'll never get this one.Irv
A man is standing on the platform of one of the stations in Long Island, New York waiting for his LIRR commuter train just he has done for the last 40 years when he collapses to floor. A priest, seeing this, immediately runs over to the man. Seeing that the man may be having a coronary, the priest prepares to give th man last rights. Before the priest starts he asks the man:
"My son, based on your life experience, do you think you are going to heaven or hell?"
The man looks at the priest and says:
"Father, I don't really care just so long as I don't have to change at Jamaica."
If you've never taken a Long Island Railroad train, you'll never get this one.
Irv
Well done! I grew up along the Port Jefferson branch of the LIRR; nothing like "changing at Jamaica" in a driving snow storm.
Modeling the Rio Grande Southern First District circa 1938-1946 in HOn3.
Varney wrote:With apologies to Flip Wilson:A woman gets on the train carrying a very ugly baby. She sits down across the aisle from a guy who's had enough to drink that he has reached a stage where he is willing to speak his mind. He looks at the baby and says, "Man, that's an ugly baby." The woman is naturally irritated. She pulls the emergency cord and shortly the conductor comes in. "What's going on here?!" he demands. "This man just insulted me!" the woman exclaims. "Madam, I'm very sorry. I want you to know that the railroad values your business and I will do my best to make amends for this man's behavior. If you will accompany me to the dining car, I'll see that you get a free meal. And maybe we can find a banana for your monkey."
With apologies to Flip Wilson:
A woman gets on the train carrying a very ugly baby. She sits down across the aisle from a guy who's had enough to drink that he has reached a stage where he is willing to speak his mind. He looks at the baby and says, "Man, that's an ugly baby." The woman is naturally irritated. She pulls the emergency cord and shortly the conductor comes in. "What's going on here?!" he demands. "This man just insulted me!" the woman exclaims.
"Madam, I'm very sorry. I want you to know that the railroad values your business and I will do my best to make amends for this man's behavior. If you will accompany me to the dining car, I'll see that you get a free meal. And maybe we can find a banana for your monkey."
ROFL!!!!!!!!(rollign on the floor laughing)
the last time I got my blood drawn it was half Tuscan red and half Brunswick green! Does that mean I'm half Human,half Vulcan?
(signed)Mr.Spock.
Q. Did you hear about the blood test for SPFs (slobbering Pennsy Fans)?A. Draw the blood; if it's tuscan red you've got a SPF.Q. Did you hear about the blood test for Vulcan SPFs?A. Draw the blood; if it's brunswick green you've got a Vulcan SPF.
Q. Did you hear about the blood test for SPFs (slobbering Pennsy Fans)?
A. Draw the blood; if it's tuscan red you've got a SPF.
Q. Did you hear about the blood test for Vulcan SPFs?
A. Draw the blood; if it's brunswick green you've got a Vulcan SPF.
RFLMFAO!
Interiors and people figures make such a difference. Especially the people.
True Story from the Missouri Pacific... One of the best
There's a town along the Missouri Pacific with 6 grade crossings. One day the crew of the way-freight was working there. The conductor was having drawbar problems while trying to couple. there is an FRA rule where a train cannot block a crossing for more than 5 minutes. After 10 minutes the Sheriff had gotten several complaints so he sent his new Deputy to straighten things out. The Deputy showed up beside the locomotive and demanded the engineer move the train. The engineer radioed the conductor and asked if they were ready. The conductor denied since he was still having trouble with the drawbars. The Deputy ordered the engineer to move the"Goddam' Train." "I have men back there," replied the engineer, at which point the Deputy, infuriated, climbed up onto the loco. The engineer locked the door, and watched amused while the Deputy tried to open it. The Deputy drew his gun, and the engineer, realizing the game was up, unlocked the door. The Deputy cuffed him, and put him in the police car. He locked the engineer up in the jail cell, and walked over to the Sherriff.
"Did you get the train situation figured out" inquired the Sheriff.
"Yup! I got him in the cell right over there!" said the proud Deputy...
"How many of your mother's children lived?" asked the Sheriff.
"Huh?"
"IF THE ENGINEER IS HERE HOW WILL THE TRAIN BE ABLE TO MOVE?!"
The Sheriff walked over to the jail cell.
"Can you move the train yet?"
"Yes I had just got the signal to pull ahead."
The Deputy was ordered to bring the engineer back to the train. Once there, the engineer "thanked" the Deputy, and climbed back into the locomotive. He got back in touch with the conductor, and the train pulled forward, coupled up to the rest of the train and left. Upon arriving back at the Sheriff's office, the Deputy was immediately fired.
Alex
yes frisco, somefolks find that mighty funny...
sounds like something I would do.
Sunday I called a buddy from the RR club who is supposed to take the photos at my wedding... THIS saturday comming. Just to razz him, I started goin off on him about where the heck was he, and that we had to use disposable cameras and such for the wedding pics. after about a minute I clued him in... we both got a good laugh, AND i still have a photographer...
Oh, was i saposta laugh?
Sorry, I couldn't restist asking this one.
This might not qualify as a "joke", but it's one of the best real-life railroad stories I've ever heard.
A friend who long ago retired from the Duluth, South Shore & Atlanitc told me this story.
The "South Shore" used to test crews on their adherence to the rules, and one trick was to to put torpedos on the rail and verify that crews would stop, flag, and proceed with caution in accordance with the rules.
One night in the early 1950's, "Pete" was on a run across Michigan's Upper Peninsula near MacMillan. A "South Shore" Train Master and insurance agent were staked out near the line, and they set up the test. The train detonated the torpedos, stopped, and the flagman was sent out. Ahead at the next road crossing, the train crew could see two sets of automobile headlights, and the train crept ahead. As they got to the crossing , they saw that one car belonged to the Train Master, and the other was a Conservation Officer's car. Apparently, the C.O. heard the torpedos and was sure the Train Master and insurance agent were poaching deer and had stashed their rifles somewhere. The three of them approached the train crew, and the C.O. said something to the affect that "I susect these men have been poaching deer, and they say they are from the railroad conducting some kind of test on you guys". The Train Master blustered and said to Pete, "Tell this Officer who I am!!" Pete replied, "I've never seen this man before in my life." The TM really went on a tirade, not only questioning Pete's future railroad employment, but his ascestry as well. The crew finally busted out laughing, and explained to the C.O. what a torpedo was and how it was used.
The TM never tested Pete's crew again.
Mick Enright
andrechapelon wrote: Two drunks are walking along the RR tracks. The first says "These stairs are killing me" The second says" It's not the stairs - it's the low bannister"!!I don't get it. Think about it. If they have to be explained, they're no longer jokes.A guy drives up to a railroad crossing with one of those really old diamond shaped signs that says, "Railroad Crossing, Look Out For The Cars". Seeing no cars, he starts across the tracks and is hit by on oncoming train.Andre
Two drunks are walking along the RR tracks. The first says "These stairs are killing me" The second says" It's not the stairs - it's the low bannister"!!
I don't get it.
Think about it. If they have to be explained, they're no longer jokes.
A guy drives up to a railroad crossing with one of those really old diamond shaped signs that says, "Railroad Crossing, Look Out For The Cars". Seeing no cars, he starts across the tracks and is hit by on oncoming train.
Andre
Nelson
Ex-Southern 385 Being Hoisted
I don't get it
lvanhen wrote:Two drunks are walking along the RR tracks. The first says "These stairs are killing me" The second says" It's not the stairs - it's the low bannister"!!
trainfan1221 wrote: Guilford Guy wrote:Pan Am not derailing, Pan Am not derailing, Pan Am going <20Miles in 2 Hours, Pan Am not derailing, Pan Am painting locomotives, Pan Am Painting Bells (The Canadian Widecab Bells came black... They are now gold, purple, red/white stripes, black/white stripes...), oh and Pan Am not derailing!Listen, you've got to stop being so vague here. Are you implying they have a tendency to derail?
Guilford Guy wrote:Pan Am not derailing, Pan Am not derailing, Pan Am going <20Miles in 2 Hours, Pan Am not derailing, Pan Am painting locomotives, Pan Am Painting Bells (The Canadian Widecab Bells came black... They are now gold, purple, red/white stripes, black/white stripes...), oh and Pan Am not derailing!
Why yes... They now have an Orange Bell with a jack o lantern painted on one unit, and a baby blue bell with gold stars...
Dave
Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow
Just be glad you don't have to press "2" for English.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ_ALEdDUB8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hqFS1GZL4s
http://s73.photobucket.com/user/steemtrayn/media/MovingcoalontheDCM.mp4.html?sort=3&o=27
Here's another one. Hopefully, I've cleaned it up enough to pass muster.
A man and a woman were inadvertantly both assigned to an economy bedroom on AMTRAK's Southwest Chief. Unfortunately, all sleeping space was sold out, so the car attendant said that they'd either have to share or one would have to ride in coach. Despite their embarrassment, they agreed to share the bedroom and the man said he would take the upper. About 1/2 hour later, the man complained that he was cold and could the woman get him an extra blanket.
The woman suggested, "Look, why don't we just pretend we're married?" Naturally, the man was rather pleased with the suggestion and quickly agreed, whereupon the woman said, "Get you own blanket, I'm not your servant", turned over, and fell asleep.
Three minutes later, the man emitted a tremendous blast of intestinal gas after which all was silent.