Prepare to groan again.
There lived a man who was very unhappy because he was deeply in love with a girl who didn't know he was alive. In desperation, he visited a coven of witches who lived nearby and presented his case before them. Touched by his tale of woe, and impressed with the young man's appearance, manner, and bearing, they decided to help him. They worked their magic and eventually presented the young man with several small objects that looked like capsules. "Bury these under the window of your beloved under a full moon and she will love you," they instructed. Doubtful, the young man resolved nevertheless to do as the witches instructed. On the very next full moon, he stealthily made his way over to his beloved's house and carefully buried the capsules in the rich loam beneath her window. Nothing happened right away, but, trusting the wisdom of the old ladies, he went home to see what the next day would bring. The next morning, he walked hopefully over to the girl's house and rang her doorbell. She opened the door, saw it was him, and grabbed him. She hugged him, kissed him, and invited him in for lunch. Their courtship was short but passionate, and within a month they were happily married. Late one night after they had been married, the young man visited the coven again. "I just want to thank you ladies for your help. My life is everything I could have desired." "No problem, dearie," said one of the old ladies. "After all, nothing says lovin' like something from the coven, and pills buried says it best."
There lived a man who was very unhappy because he was deeply in love with a girl who didn't know he was alive. In desperation, he visited a coven of witches who lived nearby and presented his case before them.
Touched by his tale of woe, and impressed with the young man's appearance, manner, and bearing, they decided to help him. They worked their magic and eventually presented the young man with several small objects that looked like capsules. "Bury these under the window of your beloved under a full moon and she will love you," they instructed.
Doubtful, the young man resolved nevertheless to do as the witches instructed. On the very next full moon, he stealthily made his way over to his beloved's house and carefully buried the capsules in the rich loam beneath her window. Nothing happened right away, but, trusting the wisdom of the old ladies, he went home to see what the next day would bring.
The next morning, he walked hopefully over to the girl's house and rang her doorbell. She opened the door, saw it was him, and grabbed him. She hugged him, kissed him, and invited him in for lunch. Their courtship was short but passionate, and within a month they were happily married.
Late one night after they had been married, the young man visited the coven again. "I just want to thank you ladies for your help. My life is everything I could have desired."
Agree - but something like this one'll have to do in the meantime . . .
Dang - we need a g-r-o-a-n "smilie"....
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
Happy Halloween!!
It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe....as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
Thanks !
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
Happy Halloween
> A man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears: > > > Bump... > > > > BUMP... > > BUMP... > > > Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. > > > BUMP... > > > BUMP... > > > BUMP... > >> > Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him > > FASTER... > > > FASTER... > > > BUMP... > > > BUMP... > > > BUMP... > > > > > He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. > > > > However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping > > > > > > clappity-BUMP... > > > > clappity-BUMP... > > > > clappity-BUMP... > > > > > > on his heels, the terrified man runs. > > > > Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. > > > > With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. > > > > > > Bumping and clapping toward him! > > > > > > The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! > > > > > > > > > > Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > and, > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > (hopefully you're ready for this!!!) > > > > > > The coffin stops.
zardoz Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so. "I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!" They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half. They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister. "I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in." I forwarded this to my wife (who does not really understand football; to her, it is simply two groups of men who line up opposite each other and then run into each other), telling her, "You may appreciate this one." She responded, "I do."
Two elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
I forwarded this to my wife (who does not really understand football; to her, it is simply two groups of men who line up opposite each other and then run into each other), telling her, "You may appreciate this one." She responded, "I do."
Johnny
The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again. This time he claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you`re an engineer -- you`re in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how`s it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We`ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there`s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You`ve got an engineer? That`s a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I`m keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I`ll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The attorney stated "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice "What would you like it to be?"
The Ultimate Guy Toy
This is the only place I could think to put this: http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/5/bobcat-log-splitter-723408.html Better put on your list to Santa right away.
Lowell Thomas was on live TV doing THIS IS YOUR LIFE, LOWELL THOMAS. One of the guests was an associate named Carlton. Thomas said "Carlton, you're drunk." Carlton replied "Not drunk enough," and walked off the set.
Tom
COAST LINE FOREVER
It is better to dwell in the corner of a roof than to share a house with a contentious woman! (Solomon)
A contentious woman is like a constant dripping! (Solomon)
Owed To A Spell Chequer
Like his mother used to do.
Dave
Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow
spokyone Bessie Braddock to Churchill "Winston, your drunk!" Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"
Bessie Braddock to Churchill "Winston, your drunk!" Churchill: "Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober"
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
Kinda sounds like the joke about the beautiful socialite and the old philosopher at a party . . . the conclusion to which is the philospoher saying "We've already established that - now I'm just trying to establish your 'best price' . . . '.
- Paul North.
Frank Purdue arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....'to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed". "Well then," says Frank Purdue, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken...."Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed".Finally, Frank Perdue says to the Pope,"Sir, this is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals. "I have good news, and I have bad news," he tells them. "The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion ... The bad news is that we're losing The Wonderbread Account"
The Pope, having been invited to address the United Nations, arrives in New York and is wisked away in a private limo. Unfortunately, security delays have made the Pope late for his speech and he instructs his driver to make up the delay by driving as fast as he can. Even with the driver's best efforts, the Pope knows they are still going to arrive late and insists that the driver make even better time. The driver fears for the Pope's safety and hesitates to drive any faster. Now totally frustrated, the Pope tells the driver to get in the back and let him drive.The Pontiff takes the limo beyond known limits, making incredible turns and wildly dodges in and out of traffic in an effort to reach the United Nations in time. Six blocks from their destination a New York police officer catches up with the limo and pulls them over. Upon approaching the driver's side window and recognizing the Pope immediately, the police officer informs the Pope he was speeding and driving recklessly. The Pope explains "We are in a very big hurry to address an international audience on the most urgent of worldly matters". The officer begs the Pope's pardon and returns to his squad car to make a call to headquarters."Get me the chief right away!" the officer demands."This is the chief, what's the problem?""Chief, this is Roberts. I've pulled over a big shot, and I'm not so sure what to do" "Who is it, the Mayor?" asks the chief."Bigger than that" says the officer."Don't tell me you pulled over the Governor!" asks the chief."Bigger than the Governor" says the officer."Bigger than the Governor! A Senator? A Congressman?" "Bigger" say the officer."Who the hell did you pull over, the President of the United States?!" the chief asks, alarmed. "Chief, I'm not sure who he is, but his driver is the Pope!"
Q: How do you know when your staying in a Redneck hotel?A: When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says "go ahead."
Q: How can you tell if a redneck is married?A: There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
Q: What is a Redneck's defense in court?A: "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
Q: What do rednecks call "Hee Haw"?A: A documentary.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement, and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his n**s off, or we might both be dead," stated Wallis. "I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia (Poole's wife), asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck. Priorities, after all!! Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.
blue streak 1 blue streak 1 1. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. 2. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way. 3. How do crazy peole go through the Forest? They take the Psycho Path. 4. How do you get Holy Water? You boil the Hell out of it. 5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!! 6. What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids. 7.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. 8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese. 9. What do youcall Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses. 10. What do you call 4 bullfighters in Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
blue streak 1 1. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it. 2. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way. 3. How do crazy peole go through the Forest? They take the Psycho Path. 4. How do you get Holy Water? You boil the Hell out of it.
1. How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
2. How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way.
3. How do crazy peole go through the Forest? They take the Psycho Path.
4. How do you get Holy Water? You boil the Hell out of it.
5. What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!!
6. What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
7.What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
8. What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
9. What do youcall Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
10. What do you call 4 bullfighters in Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
11.What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
12.What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.
13.What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twiches? A nervous wreck
14. Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef
15. Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him. (maybe)
16. Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
ModelcarHow far can you go into the woods....
Half way.
How far can you go into the woods....
How long is a piece of string...
Quentin
zardoz Phoebe Vet Zardoz: You forgot to credit Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe, who wrote that song in 1947. Sir; to which 'song' do you refer?
Phoebe Vet Zardoz: You forgot to credit Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe, who wrote that song in 1947.
Zardoz:
You forgot to credit Dwight Latham and Moe Jaffe, who wrote that song in 1947.
This one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYlJH81dSiw
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