The new and (not very) improved humor thread

Zardoz, how can you improve on the old thread?

At one time, the Erie Railroad was quite the butt of jokes because of its poor timekeeping. Two follow.

It was during a very tedious ride on the "Erie," and the passengers, tired, dirty and thirsty, all berated the company with the exception of one man. His fellow passeners commented on this, and asked why he did not denounce the compnay, too. "It would hardly be fair," he replied, "as I am traveling on a pass; but if they don't do better pretty soon, blame me if I don't go out and buy a ticket and join you."

A patriarch, who presented a half ticket for a ride between Suffern and Jersey City, was informed that he must pay full fare. He replied: "When I purchased the ticket before boarding this train I was entitled to the half-fare rate."

Johnny

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     Not a train story, but a true story:  When our oldest son was about 3, my wife had a bible study class that met at our house once a week.  That gave my son and I a chance to have a father-son night out.  We had gone to a Pizza Ranch for dinner .  At the pizza place, we were playing with my son's little, plastic tow truck, and having a good time.  At some point, the hook broke off the plastic tow truck, and Mr. 3 year old started to fret.  I did the dad thing, and told him we would fix it, or some other such thing.

     As we were standing at the cash register paying for our dinner, there was a large group of people waiting to be seated.  My son eagerly asked where we were going next.  I casually replied that we were going home.  Upon hearing that, he had a total melt-down, and screamed at the top of his lungs: "But DADDY!!!  YOU said we were  GOING  to  GET  a   HOOKER!!!

Well at 547 pages I'm kinda not surprised it got locked.

Cool Now I get to recycle all my stupid jokes. starting with...

Arkansas Vasectomy:

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.... :O

Office dictionary entry: 

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing who's to blame for a missed deadline or a failed project.

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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

A man is getting changed in the locker room at his Gym after a workout.  The cell phone on the bench next to him rings so he answers it.
"Hello?"
"Hi Honey, guess what?" the woman who called asks.  "The fur coat I've had my eye on for some time now is on sale.  Would you mind if I picked it up"
"Not at all" he says.
"Also," she continues on "that Cadillac salesman called back.  The one we looked at the other day will finally be in.  Should I get it or are you still looking around?"
"Nope, let's splurge. Grab it!" he enthusiastically says.
"One last thing..." she paused "remember that beach house with the big porch we both adored?  Well it's back on the market but this time for $1.5M.  What do you want to do?"
He pauses and replies "Put in an offer at $1.4M and we'll see what happens!"
She shrieks with delight and hangs up and so does he, smiling.

He turns and looks at the now folded cell phone in his hand, holds it up and asks:
"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Omaha, Nebr. - Tuesday, 3 March 2009.

Lee Barnett, a.k.a. "The Bullet," an acquaintance of mine who once worked as a hoghead out of Oakland, told me that the Southern Pacific Operating Rules book defined a train as "An engine, or more than one engine, with or without cars displaying markers."  Espee also had a definition for the old man riding the caboose cushions:  "A conductor is a brakeman, with or without brains, displaying pencils."

"I was sad when I did go
   From the land of Phoebe Snow.
      My eyes did burn and my head was light
         From smoking too much anthricite!"

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.  Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.  At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?  I'm awfully cold."  "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."  "Wow!  That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.  "Good," she replies.  "Get your own *** blanket." 

At the Zoo with Dad

Dad was out of town working one weekend.  On Sunday, the mom decided to take her son to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit.

"That's an elephant", the mother said.

After the child repeated after her, he asked, "Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The mother replied, "That's his trunk, sweetheart."

"No, no", said the child, "Behind that!"

"Oh, that's his tail", she said.

"No, no!" the boy exclaimed. "That thing in the middle!"

The woman was flustered and replied, "Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!" And they moved on.....

The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, "Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!"

The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, "Elephant!"

"Very GOOD", beamed the father. "I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!"

The boy asked, "Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?"

The father replied, "That's his trunk."

"No!", the boy moaned, "Behind that!"

"That's his tail", the father replied.

"No, no! That thing in the middle!"

The father stammered, "Er...what did your mother say it was?"

"She said it was nothing!"

"Well", the man said, puffing out his chest. "Your mother's spoiled!"

Some more (very old) tales told by men on their way to or from work; this time on the Long Island.

Man from Douglaston tells how he didn't mind the night when the vestibule door came off in his hands. He jsut set it against the wall out of the way and got off. He did mind, though, the night the door wouldn't open at all and the train went wheep-wheep and got under way while he was struggling with it. He hiked it back from Little Neck. [0.6 miles east]

Man from Baldwin (change at Jamaica) says that's interesting, and take his case, for example. He thinks the engineer on his train either has had an unhappy love affair in Baldwin or owes money there. Anyway, he frequently skips the stop. The Baldwin man gets off at Freeport. [1.1 miles east]

Man from Ozone Park (change at Woodside) says he never had that happen to him, but his wife gets upset sometimes when his evening train is lost. Quite a mess of spurs and loops and crossovers and causeways out around the Rockaways, and sometimes the motorman has to get down and ask the shanty man where he is.

(With apologies to A Treasury of Railroad Folklore for adding the distances for the benifit of us poor people not fortunate enough to live on Long Island)

Johnny

Very very very funny. I will favor this post. Good clean fun, not mutch of that anymore! Enjoyed the Bobo post!

There was two people who were going possum hunting. Theay had their guns drewn looking for a possum. Then one of the people saw a 102 express fright train. So he grabbed his lantrn snd waved like mad at the train. SCREEEEEEECH! the train ground to a hualt. The engineer said "what kid of emergancy do we have here?" The guy said "I wanted to see if you wanted to but a possum?" The engineer said "you mean to tell me that you have stopped this 102 car express freight train to ask me if I wanted to buy a possum?" The guy said "yep" the engineer replied  "well seeins how I like possum I'm going to buy one off of you! How mutch do you wat?" "$50" Ok here it is "Thank's Mr. engineer." The engineer said where's the possum? OH WE AIN'T SHOT E'M YET WE JUST WANTED TO SEE IF YOU WANTED TO BUT ONE OFF OF US!!! He He He!!

Bob-Fryml

Omaha, Nebr. - Tuesday, 3 March 2009.

Lee Barnett, a.k.a. "The Bullet," an acquaintance of mine who once worked as a hoghead out of Oakland, told me that the Southern Pacific Operating Rules book defined a train as "An engine, or more than one engine, with or without cars displaying markers."  Espee also had a definition for the old man riding the caboose cushions:  "A conductor is a brakeman, with or without brains, displaying pencils."

Reminds me of when I was a trick dispatcher many years ago and I was arguing with an old-head conductor about how we handled his local.  He won it by exclaiming, "RWM, you're just like a hoghead: Always trying to think."

RWM

Here is a fast one..

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the Bartender says "Okay, i'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

trainfan1221

Here is a fast one..

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the Bartender says "Okay, i'll serve you, but don't start anything!"

*groan*

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"
His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."
"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."
The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

He told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and he was going to try it again.  By this point practically everyone in line was now caught up in his tale.

Horrified, she asked if he ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned him.  Deadpan, he told her no, that he stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's backside and a car hit them both.

COLD IS A RELATIVE THING. . . . . . .
 65 above zero:
 Floridians turn on the heat.
 People in Wisconsin plant gardens.


 60 above zero:
 Californians shiver uncontrollably.
 People in Wisconsin sunbathe.


 50 above zero:
 Italian & English cars won't start.
 People in Wisconsin drive with the windows down.


 40 above zero:
 Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
 People in Wisconsin throw on a flannel shirt.


 35 above zero:
 New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
 People in Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets cold.


 20 above Zero
 People in Miami all die.
 Wisconsinites close the windows.

 Zero:
 Californians fly away to Mexico .
 People in Wisconsin get out their winter coats.


 10 below zero:
 Hollywood disintegrates.
 The Girl Scouts in Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.


 20 below zero:
 Washington DC runs out of hot air.
 People in Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.


 30 below zero:
 Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
 Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the Snow-mobile.


 40 below zero:
 ALL atomic motion stops.
 People in Wisconsin start saying...'Cold enough for you?'


 50 below zero:
 Hell freezes over.
 Wisconsin public schools will open 2 hours late

So the Pope died and arrived at the Pearly Gates after hours.  No one was around except a sleeping security guard.  He woke up the guard, told him that he was the Pope here to check in and then asked where St Peter was.  The guard told him they were expecting him, but it was after hours.  He then told him to grab his bags and follow him to temporary quarters for the night.  The Pope followed, a little taken back that the guard didn't offer to carry his bags for him and that although it was after hours no one was there to meet him....he was the Pope after all. 

They arrived at the temporary quarters which were spartan.  The guard told the Pope to come back first thing in the morning, and he'd get him in at the front of the line.  So the Pope sat on the bed for a few minutes until he heard some loud music and commotion.  He followed the noise down to the lounge and there seemed to be a party going on.  A bunch of people where there....St Pete and alot of the heavies as well as quite a few hottie girl angels.....and all attention was focused on this one guy in a pilot suit telling a story.  There was alot of laughing and carrying on.   The Pope goes to the bar and the bartender asks what he'll have.  The pope thinks a second and asks the bartender for a glass of wine.  When the bartender come back with his drink the Pope asks...."I'm a little confused.  I've spent my whole life dedicated to the church.  I don't want to sound overly proud or conceited, but I thought I was kind of important. But I get here and all the attention seems to be focused on that guy.  What gives?"

The bartender, wipes down the bar and leans over, " You are special, your holiness.  On any other day it would be different.  But really we get priests, cardinals and popes here all the time.  This is the first time we've had a naval aviator here."  

 Dan

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dyin'."

There were these two men at home talking. The first man asked, "Have you heard the latest about the new CSX Engine coming out?" The second man replies, "No". Then the first man says, "Well it's not out yet".

EG Murphy

PRICELESS

A small child and his mother walked into the doctors office. The small child was playing with a wet sticky pice of balogna. The doctor comes out and says to the small child, "why don't you make a doctor with that pice of balognia?" The child blandly replies "I don't have that mutch balognia..."

trainfan1221

Here is a fast one..

A jumper cable walks into a bar, the Bartender says "Okay, i'll serve you, but don't start anything!"