Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Wow,
Forgot all about the mail bouy!
And the lobsterback ritual..
We dont have to many rites of passage that are funny, or can be posted here, but we did send one of our slower newbies over to the MOW building, to ask for some tie strips to hold down a lose tie plate, and some spike glue.
My engineer sent the same kid to the diesel shop, to get a can of brake fluid for the air brakes on the locomotive.
The shop forman brought him back, and told us to never send him into his shop again, ever.
The real right of passage is the day you get marked up with your foreman rights, and instead of being the guy taking orders, your the one who has to decide what to do, when to do it, and how to get it done, with out killing yourself or anybody else.
Only takes a day or two to figure out who is going to cut it.

We have a lift bridge over a bayou that has a switch in front of it, where two tracks converge into one to cross the bridge.
This switch has a switch point indicator signal, red for diverging route, green for straight route.
We approached one night to a red signal, meaning the switch was lined for us to come off the diverging route, but we were early, and bored.
Told our trainee that the red meant the bridge wasnt cranked all the way down, and he needed to go find the crank, and finish cranking the bridge down.
He stayed out there looking for almost a hour before we called him back.
Oh, he's a yardmaster now...
Stay Frosty,
Ed

I was just curious. Aviation is full of little things to beat up the new guys as Jim has alluded to also. Most of which would take a fair amount of detail to explain, but in the end, help to make the newbies understand a little more about the aircraft systems.

One such tale is pull starting the APU. The APU is a small gas turbine that provides electrical power on the ground during prefight. It is normally not available for use in the air, and there is a little switch on the nose landing gear that disables it when the gear is up attached an uplock (a hook which locks the nose gear in place when it is up.) The uplock/switch can be can be manipulated on the ground, to make the airplane think that it is in the air, so when the new pilot or flight engneer goes to start the APU it won't start. The seasoned flight engineer, who pushed the uplock up will tell the newbie to just pull start it. Which, is usually met with resistance, because anyone knows you can't pull start a turbine like a lawn mower.

The seasoned engineer will tell the newbie to hold the start switch to start, and will then pull the manual nose gear release handle, which looks kind of like a pull starter, releasing the uplock, making the switch and Violla, the APU will start, leaving the newbie the rest of the flight to figure out what just happened.

And yes, this was done to me.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

I was just curious. Aviation is full of little things to beat up the new guys as Jim has alluded to also. Most of which would take a fair amount of detail to explain, but in the end, help to make the newbies understand a little more about the aircraft systems.

One such tale is pull starting the APU. The APU is a small gas turbine that provides electrical power on the ground during prefight. It is normally not available for use in the air, and there is a little switch on the nose landing gear that disables it when the gear is up attached an uplock (a hook which locks the nose gear in place when it is up.) The uplock/switch can be can be manipulated on the ground, to make the airplane think that it is in the air, so when the new pilot or flight engneer goes to start the APU it won't start. The seasoned flight engineer, who pushed the uplock up will tell the newbie to just pull start it. Which, is usually met with resistance, because anyone knows you can't pull start a turbine like a lawn mower.

The seasoned engineer will tell the newbie to hold the start switch to start, and will then pull the manual nose gear release handle, which looks kind of like a pull starter, releasing the uplock, making the switch and Violla, the APU will start, leaving the newbie the rest of the flight to figure out what just happened.

And yes, this was done to me.

Dan

I enjoyed the story. What about "the little trailor" that the GPU fits into. [:D] [:D] [:D]

You know "IT" has to go too. [:D] [:D] [:D]

next subject

You have to admitt tho that the guy looking for the "tubes" takes the cake. That one is just tooooooooo funny.

[Anonymous]

Part two, the next 6


NEVER SAY TO A COP


7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a

warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other

cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been

drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes

look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[dharmon]

[

[vsmith]

Never say this to a cop...

Sometimes you have to make a choice between a good laugh and an
expensive one. I like the choice that was made here.

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I
noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop
pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I
can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ***?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a
bridge..."

The ticket -- $95 dollars.
The look on his face,
PRICELESS

[JoeKoh]

LOL thats funny!!!!!
stay safe
Joe

[zardoz]

Two simple questions to answer without cheating...

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were
deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.





Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are
the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A -

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's
had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B -

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college
and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an
occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

 

 

 

 

ANSWERS

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone.

Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember: Amateurs built the ark.  Professionals built the Titanic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500
employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress; the same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us inline.

[zardoz]

On a slightly lighter note.....................

Ever notice how a 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adult
> voices?...

1. Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm
hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my
bedroom about 2 a.m. I found my two children in bed with my wife,
apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in
the guest bedroom that night.
>
The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was
O.K. to sleep with Mommy when the storm was bad, but when I was
expected home to please sleep their own beds. They said "OK."
>
After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children
picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane
was late, there were hundreds of other folks also waiting for their
arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came
running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.
>

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with
the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,
they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few
moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
>


A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were
on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet
in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are
sleeping."



Enough for now [:o)]

[Anonymous]

zardoz [:D]

Man zardoz was on a roll today. That 's good someone had to help carry us today.

[Anonymous]

Dan [:p]

Not the Aux, but the Ground (GPU). [;)]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Never say this to a cop...

Sometimes you have to make a choice between a good laugh and an
expensive one. I like the choice that was made here.

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 mph over), I
noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop
pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I responded, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop said "What.....a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I
can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."

The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ***?"

I simply replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a
bridge..."

The ticket -- $95 dollars.
The look on his face,
PRICELESS

Well - you went and did it! I can't see - AGAIN!

Mookie in tears! [:D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Dan [:p]

Not the Aux, but the Ground (GPU). [;)]

Stinkin, no load power carts! If it were up to me, power cart season would run from 01 Oct to 31 Dec each year and any size firearm would be allowed. No bag limit.

[Anonymous]

Dan [:)]

Now you get it. [:p] We use ours (in our hangar) for power checks. The other night it was raining and the safety guy threw a fit about an aircraft outside the hangar with the "cart" (GPU) hooked up to it. The power cables ran from the cart back into the hangar, and of course as you well know alot of water comes in under the hangar doors. Guess what? Now we have new ones that themselves don't need outside power. I haven't seen them yet but I heard one running the other night. Hobart (the dishwasher maker for restaurants) makes some lol. I don't know who makes the ones we just got, I will have to find one tonight and check them out.

[dharmon]

My good experiences with power carts can be counted on one hand. Most of the Navy's are old and "veterans" (of which world war, I'm not sure [:)]). Proper voltage, current or phase...forget it. Nothing like spinning up the systems...systems that are so incredibly forgiving of power interuptions like inertials, gyros, crypto loads in radios ...just to have ground power kick off offline in the middle of prefilght or maintenance. Where the term swearing like a sailor comes from...

[tree68]

Another Navy favorite: Provide a new Comm Tech with a (very heavy) box of "Classified Line Feeds." Send him to the bridge. Bridge (who is in on this) sends him to the fantail, who sends him to the engine room, who send him to the foc'sle (bow), etc, etc, until he finally returns to the comm room, where they thank him profusely as they take the box from him.

Line feeds, for those not familiar with teletypes, are blank lines...

No I didn't get stuck with that one. I was USAFon a Navy ship. The CT's filled us in...

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

Another Navy favorite: Provide a new Comm Tech with a (very heavy) box of "Classified Line Feeds." Send him to the bridge. Bridge (who is in on this) sends him to the fantail, who sends him to the engine room, who send him to the foc'sle (bow), etc, etc, until he finally returns to the comm room, where they thank him profusely as they take the box from him.

Line feeds, for those not familiar with teletypes, are blank lines...

No I didn't get stuck with that one. I was USAFon a Navy ship. The CT's filled us in...

Hangin out with CTs???.........the dark side of the force........

[vsmith]

Anyone whos ever worked for a large corporation will like this one...

DECISIONS, DECISIONS

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the pearly gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in hell and a day in heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in"

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind. I prefer to stay in heaven." "Sorry, we have rules."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends that had passed away, older fellow executives that she had worked with in the past and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played and
excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator...

The elevaror went up-up-up and opened back up at the pearly gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven",

so she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven," He Said.

" Now you must choose your eternity."

The woman paused for a second and replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her back to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she got off and found herself standing in a desolated wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and filth and putting it in sacks. The devil came up to her and shoved a sack in her hands and kicked her into a pile of filth.

"I don't understand." Stammered the woman, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The devil looked at her and smiled.

"That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're STAFF..."

[Anonymous]

Here we go again . . . Wednesday already, that means it's time for . . . Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . . .yeah, cheer, raw, raw , raw


This is a good one, made me laugh real hard, hope you enjoy it tooooooo


Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown,

B U T . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

IT ONLY TAKES 4 MUSCLES TO EXTEND YOUR ARM AND SMACK SOME IDIOT UPSIDE THE HEAD. [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D] [:D]


N E X T


A good friend will come bail you out of jail . . . . . . . .but a true friend will be setting next to you saying, "We screwed up".

Next

An employee is setting at his desk goofing off. His boss knowing this sneaks up to the desk and says . . . . . . . .

"Why arn't you working?"

The employee responds . . . . . . .

"I didn't see you coming."



Happy Hump Day [:o)] [:o)] [:o)]

[Anonymous]

It's Thursday so here is the next edition of our humor . . . .

Here is a joke about Arkansans (now yall know I'm from ah ah ah Florida, yeah that's it , I'm from Florida . . . . [;)] )


Bubba and Billy Ray are from Arkansas visiting a
relative in Oklahoma.

Walking along May Avenue, they see a sign on a store
that reads, "Suits $5.00 each, shirts $2.00 each,
trousers $2.50 per pair"

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy
a whole lot of those, and when we get back to
Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into
the shop, you be quiet,okay? Just let me do all the
talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not
be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Oklahoma drawl."

They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at
$5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of
trousers at $2.50 each I'll back up my pickup and
......"

The owner of the shop interrupts, "You boys are from
Arkansas, aren't you?"

Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you
know that?"

The owner says, "This is a dry-cleaners."

[Mookie]

Jim - this wouldn't be a personal experience would it - you being from "Florida" and all.

Mookie

[Anonymous]

Hello, everyone!
I finally got to the end of this thread!!! (I liked it so much that I couldn't make myself to skip a single "entry"). Great jokes and great spirit from all of you - no flames about political issues, too, just good will. I hope you don't mind if I try to contribute with a little piece on beer - apparently it's not only a wise financial investment, but also...

The Buffalo Theory
------------------
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Next time I'll try to find a train related one I have somewhere in my files.
Have a nice day everyone!
Oliver

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Oliver Trzok

Hello, everyone!
I finally got to the end of this thread!!! (I liked it so much that I couldn't make myself to skip a single "entry"). Great jokes and great spirit from all of you - no flames about political issues, too, just good will. I hope you don't mind if I try to contribute with a little piece on beer - apparently it's not only a wise financial investment, but also...

The Buffalo Theory
------------------
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Next time I'll try to find a train related one I have somewhere in my files.
Have a nice day everyone!
Oliver

I bet there are a lot of people on this forum that are writing this down - but Duh Mookie - being the slower one of the herd, isn't sure she goes along with this.

Madame La Moo

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Jim - this wouldn't be a personal experience would it - you being from "Florida" and all.

Mookie

Drycleaners, me, heck no, Drycleaners are for rich folk, us poor folk just use the creek and a rock. [:p]

The creek, without the rock, comes in handy for our weekly bath. We always bath once a week, even if we don't need to, and wa***he clothes for our Sunday go to meetin day. You can never be tooooooo clean for church. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

[dharmon]

I should probably save this one for Christams but what the heck......

A man from the east coast accompanies his wife and kids to her hometown in North Texas for the hoildays. After dinner one night, they decide to drive around and look at the light displays around town.

After a bit they come to a house with a manger scene.. It has Mary, Joseph, the baby Jesus, animals and such and three firefighters holding presents. Not knowing the meaning of this non-traditional display, he stops and knocks on the door to ask...

When the gentleman comes to the door, he asks "Pardon me sir, I'm familiar with the manger scene idea, but why do you have three firemen also...?"

The man replies,"I'm not sure where you're from, but the Bible says that when the baby Jesus was born, three wise men came from a far."

[zardoz]

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, "Great...he's 11 and now I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one Dad." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks -
"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"



A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double scotch on the rocks.
After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double scotch.
After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double scotch.
Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you drinks all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order another."
The customer replied, "I'm looking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."


here I go again....

[zardoz]

Mind Games for Dogs

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
6. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

[Mookie]

9: And when it snows a foot - go to the very edge of the property - and then whine cuz your paws have frozen snow on them and lie down. The human will gladly walk 50 feet in a foot of snow to pick you up and carry you all the way back to the house!

[zardoz]

The Years Best (Actual) Headlines of 2002

1. Crack Found on Governors Daughter
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
11. War Dims Hope for Peace
12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
14. Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
21. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
22. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Three blondes were walking through the woods when they came upon a set of tracks.
"Looks like deer tracks," said one blonde.
"No, it looks like maybe a cow track," another blonde suggested.
"Actually, I think they are just dog tracks," the third blonde offered.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[zardoz]

For our Canadian Friends:

A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk. He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.
"How do you plead?" the Judge asked.
"Not guilty!" replied the accused.
"How can you plead 'not guilty. You're drunker than a skunk," the judge said.
'"Well, you see, it's like this, your honor. I was only following orders. When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY. And that's what I did."

[Anonymous]

Audience ...

A round of applause please for zardoz

zardoz . . . take a bow . . . and "throw" kisses . . . while humbly saying "Thank you"

GREAT JOB TODAY [:D] [:D] [:D] When I can pick myself up off the floor I might say something else. [8D]