Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A Texan is drinking in a New York bar, when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, Folks. Like I said, "My boy's a typical Texas baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW" were heard. One woman actually faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were gonna call you. So ... how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".

[zardoz]

A Texas Ranger pulled over a red Porsche (inhabited by a Yankee) after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, "Sir, May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

The Yankee said, "What's the problem, officer?"

"You just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me!"

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The elderly Ranger had enough and said to the driver, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

This is why we Texans love our Texas Rangers. Teaching by example is not a lost art in Texas.

[dharmon]

HEHEHEHEHEHE


Zardoz.....you are my hero!

[zardoz]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years.

In an effort to determine the circumstances during the last 15 seconds before a fatal accidents, "black boxes" were installed in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks.

The auto makers were surprised to find that in 49 of the 50 states, the last words spoken of 61.2 percent of the drivers in fatal crashes were, "Oh, ***!"

Only the state of Georgia was different, where the last words spoken of 89.3 percent of the drivers in fatal crashes were, "Hold my beer and watch this!"

[zardoz]

An accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinals. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows... he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean."
The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of Colorado, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from the University of Nebraska, and they taught us not to pee on our hands."



ok. I'm done for the day.

[vsmith]

Greetings from Cubeville, somewhere in the middle of Worktopia....

Some of these are a little too close to the truth...[;)]


Dave Letterman's Top Ten Drawbacks To Working In A Cubicle:

#10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a @#$%?*!
box all day long.

#9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around
to see who's behind you.

#8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.

#7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get
a piece of cheese!

#6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

#5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

#4. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.

#3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

#2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you....



...And the Number 1 Drawback to Working in a Cubicle:

You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.

[locomutt]

Vic [^]

Especially #2 and management expects you to "be friendly"to their guests
Gee what if you are in the middle of something,and cain't come meet a
prospective client[?]

And #1, that would be the"air door" closing;Hissssssssss[swg]

[dharmon]

I thought cubicles were those things on my fingers I keep tearing up when I work on stuff

[cherokee woman]

No Dan,

What you keep tearing up is you CUTICLES!![:D]

CUBICLES are what some IDIOT dreamed up to make you think you
have your own office.[:p] But people can hear everything you say when
you're in your own "cubicle". Plus, you don't even have the freedom of
having a door so you can close the door on all of them so they'll leave
you alone[:0][:(!]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

No Dan,

What you keep tearing up is you CUTICLES!![:D]

CUBICLES are what some IDIOT dreamed up to make you think you
have your own office.[:p] But people can hear everything you say when
you're in your own "cubicle". Plus, you don't even have the freedom of
having a door so you can close the door on all of them so they'll leave
you alone[:0][:(!]

Ahhh, my second guess would have been those little pieces of ice they give you in drinks on airliners.....

[Noah Hofrichter]

Zardoz, the texas ranger joke, there was somethign real close to that on the duck tour, but there it was the boss, not a ranger, and he hit him with the stop sign.

Noah

[JoeKoh]

Sorry to hear about your accident.gee and as I look at this we have google ads for ford parts! wow
stay safe
Joe

[espeefoamer]

Thank God you're both OK [:)].Trucks are easier to replace than people.

[vsmith]

Hahahaha

Saw this movie preview this weekend, almost fell out of my plush stadium set ....Just have to share...Get ready for

SHAUN OF THE DEAD!

http://www.themoviebox.net/movies/2004/STUVWXYZ/Shaun-of-the-Dead/trailer-page.html

[locomutt]

Well,it will have to come out on video for CW and myself to see it
The last movie we went too,was Stanta Claus II,and it was a matintee,5 bucks apeice.
That's one thing we don't spend money on.[:)]

[tree68]

With apologies to any blondes who may take offense (although I work with one who loves this stuff):

A Blonde's Dairy

MONDAY:
It's fun to cook for George. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY:
George wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when George brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wa***horoughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY:
Today George asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to George asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY:
George did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason George keeps counting to ten.

SUNDAY:
George's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY.
This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to so I can try out a new recipe on George. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

[CShaveRR]

Are you sure this doesn't belong on the Depot Diner thread?

(No offense intended toward our non-blonde staff!)

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Are you sure this doesn't belong on the Depot Diner thread?

(No offense intended toward our non-blonde staff!)

You may be right.... Pretty bad when one can't figure out where to post.....

[locomutt]

That's good, Larry.
Truth in advertising[?][:)]

[tree68]

An elderly couple would constantly argue about everything. The woman often ended the arguments by stating vociferously, "I'll dance on your grave! I'll dance on your grave!"

Well, sure enough, the old geezer died first.

His last request was that he be buried at sea.

[locomutt]

Ha,Ha,Ha,HA,
Oldie,but Goldie.[:)]

[Anonymous]

Recently we have received credible intelligence that
there have been seven terrorists working in your
office.

Six of the seven have been apprehended.....Bin
Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin
Drinking and Bin Butt-Kissin have all been taken into
custody.

At this time, no one fitting the description of the
seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at
your office. We are confident that anyone who looks
like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time. So keep
on doing what you Bin Doing.

[zardoz]

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started peeing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorts the policeman as he unzips his pants and also begins to pee, "It's the French Embassy."

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Recently we have received credible intelligence that
there have been seven terrorists working in your
office.

Six of the seven have been apprehended.....Bin
Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin
Drinking and Bin Butt-Kissin have all been taken into
custody.

At this time, no one fitting the description of the
seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at
your office. We are confident that anyone who looks
like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time. So keep
on doing what you Bin Doing.

Which one are you[?][:)]
How's the A&P going[?]Hope you are doing well[:)]

[zardoz]

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.

The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, sexually assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six-month sick leave.

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

An American tourist in London found himself needing to take a leak. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business.

Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started peeing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," retorts the policeman as he unzips his pants and also begins to pee, "It's the French Embassy."

THis one was so funny I laughed my tail off.[(-D] [(-D] [(-D] [(-D]
[(-D] [(-D] [(-D] [(-D] [(-D]

[locomutt]

Only the tail[?][:)]

[tree68]

A report was recently about how gravity, which is a non renewable resource, is gradually diminishing. Top scientists agree: "With the present rate of consumption, the earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century."
There is a direct link between the vanishing of the ozone layer and decrease in the earth's gravity supply. We're already seeing the effects of the disappearance of the ozone layer, but we're not likely to see the effects of vanishing gravity during our lifetimes. However, our children will probably have to deal with the issue.
It is interesting to think of some of the results science has yet to consider. The obvious impact will be on engineering (like keeping bridges and buildings weighted down), but what about sports? Breaking records for the high jump will become easier. Football kicks will likely grow longer and an 82-yard field goal will not be unheard of. Limbo dancing will be more difficult and even Louis Anderson will be able to run the hurdles.
Until scientists discover a cheaper alternative, we need to help....
PLEASE CONSERVE GRAVITY
Follow these simple suggestions:
1. Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible.
2. Use tape, magnets or glue instead of paperweights.
3. Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like curling.
4. Avoid showers; take baths instead.
5. Don't hang all your clothes in the closet. Keep them in one big pile.
6. Stop flipping pancakes.
This is no joke. What could be more serious? After all gravity is the opposite of comedy! You may be laughing now, but just picture your great grandchildren wearing safety tethers, unable to play outdoors for fear of floating away in a wind storm. Please be gravity conscious.

[:D]

[Anonymous]

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral
director to hold a grave-side burial service at a
small local cemetery for someone with no family or
friends.

The preacher started early but quickly got himself
lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a
half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the
hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were
eating lunch.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and
found the vault lid already in place.

Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling
guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an
impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased
to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of
the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks
for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like
that."

[espeefoamer]

For some political humor both sides can enjoy,check out www.jibjab.com. [:)]